Hi Everyone,
I have been reading your postings for awhile until I became braver about entering in. You are all amazing women and this is a great support group for this painful subject.

I found out about my H affair in March of 2004. I had just recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and had already had one surgery and was scheduled for one more and then 7 weeks of daily radiation treatment. An affair and a baby were the last thing I needed. But no one ever needs it. I had been suspicious during the fall and had confronted my H twice, but he denied it and convinced me that I was getting worked up because I had friends having trouble.

H started affair with old girlfriend from HS that he reconnected with during HS reunion July 2003. I couldn't attend reunion because I had to drive our 2 boys to Boy Scout camp.

His story is OW told him she was single, had her room moved near his, was very aggressive and he felt he still had unresolved feelings for her and he fell! He could have ended it there easily. OW lives in another state, so to continue required planning, lying and effort. Which he did. She separated from her husband #2 and began pursuing my H full time, to the point of letting her entire business go under.

She always told him she was on the pill, but he said she talked about being "late" every month until she became pregnant. She often talked about wanting a little girl. She has a 14 year old boy from H #1. It seems to me that this was a classic trap and my H fell for it like a big dope! He broke it off with her in beginning of Dec. on a trip together....of course he slept with her while he was breaking it off and that is when she became pregnant. Then he said he didn't know what to do and was sure I could never forgive him. So he decided to get a secret apartment for them to meet in when she came to town. Nice guy.

After I confronted him about the affair, for the next 6 weeks he kept telling me he was breaking it off, but didn't. I filed for D after intercepting an e-mail from OW to H telling him that she loved his marriage proposal and couldn't wait to get married! I told H to leave and filed for D. He wanted to come back after a week, said it was over and he wanted to make it right with me and our family. He came back, brought flowers and jewelry, started counselling with me, but he didn't break it off.

DDay #2 was mid July after I found phone records from his apartment that showed me what was really going on. He was very upset, said he had been trying to break it off and she kept coming to the apartment.....she had a key!

Okay, so we have cancer, radiation, affair, baby, secret apartment, more lies......let's add another factor. H parents got involved with the affair. OW and his parents began calling each other almost daily (Parents live out of the country). Parents are pressuring H to leave me and kids for OW. OW is pressuring him to leave us. Parents say they will disown him and never see him again if he doesn't divorce me and marry OW. H finally makes his choice and takes the appropriate steps to end affair and contact with OW. His parents send him a nasty "good-bye forever" letter. Here is the final kicker!! The first line is that I(BS) BROKE UP THERE FAMILY! This mess was my fault!! H doesn't agree. His family is nuts for sure. His mother was with OW for birth and stayed for a month to help her. Still spewing evil things about me.

So final count: breast cancer, radiation (no support from H), affair, baby, secret apartment, second DDAY, Parents involved with OW and it ends up being my fault! Nice.

Finally, it appears to be ended. He has had no contact for almost 6 weeks. She still calls, but his secretary doesn't put her through. OC born 8/04. Calls are trailing off. We are planning NC with OW or OC. We are paying child support (paternity confirmed), but court papers have only been filed, nothing else yet.

My latest worry came up after reading many of your postings. We have an attorney in the state where the OW lives to handle the legal issues. We do not want joint custody or C with OC or OW but will pay the CS. Does my H have to go to court for the hearing or can the attorney represent us?

Sorry this is so long! It has been a very long year for me.

Hi LBelle,

So sorry to have to welcome you to MB. I don't have an answer. Hopefully others will be on soon with some answers. I am so sorry for all the pain you have gone through. Sounds like things are getting better.

Hi Genia,
Thanks for the welcome. I have read your threads and my heart breaks for you as well. I hope you can be strong to do what you need to do. Good luck. My prayers are with you.

Just wanted to welcome you and tell you that you have came to a great place for support and insight.

I hate to ever say it can't get any worse for fear that it will.

You are a very strong person and have endured more than your fair share--funny how women always keep going and keep the pieces all together yet men often fall completely apart and let there lives do that too when the going ges to tough.

Hang in there.

Now I would recommend that your husband go but his lawyer would be able to represent him all alone if it is in another state.

NOW let me ask why did you file in the state the other woman is in?

Has your husband ever been in that state? That state wont have jurisdiction over him if he has not. Your lawyer should have told you this.

If the ow had her child in your state then thats were jurisdiction is at. or if your husband had the adultery and the conception in your state then the jurisdiction is there.
Unless your husband allows that other state to have jurisdiction over him then he would have to take care of it there otherwise they have to have the hearings in your state. the 2 interstate child support offices can handle it.

He has been to her state. Visited her several times in his efforts to end it. LOL! She had the baby in her state and intends to raise her there. I think the baby was conceived in another state on a weekend trip, at least that is what was thought.

I need to have my H contact the attorney again to ask about this. I don't really want him to go, because then I will HAVE to go too. Because of the nature of their affair (true love-ha ha), and how recently his fog has parted, I don't want him to see her or the baby alone. But I have never seen the OW and neither of us have seen the OC and I would like to keep it that way.

It seemed that so many of you needed to go to court during CS hearings, I have been getting worried.

Well if your husband has never lived there and I know this is asking alot never concieved the child there then they shouldnt have jurisdiction.

If you can get the ow and your hubby to agree the child was concieved elsewhere your home free.
Now there is another factor you said she was married.
Was she married when the child was concieved and born?
If so, they have to legally dismiss the husband first as the father (I know you have a test) but the courts have to legally let her husband off the hook first. They give the ow's husband the choice to be the child's father if he doesnt want to be then she can go after your husband. the ow's husband has to give up his rights to the child first before your husband has any.

Law state all children concieved and or born to a woman that is married are the product of the marriage and the Husband is considered the LEGAL father. Unless a court says otherwise.

<small>[ October 04, 2004, 06:30 PM: Message edited by: Cordelia ]</small>

Cordelia is absolutely correct if OW was married at the time of conception then her H at the time is considered the father unless her H at the time releases his rights, or she fights to prove paternity or you H fights to prove he is the father.

Cordelia~good legal info. you sound as if you have dealt with this for awhile--not such a newbie maybe--we just tend to call new people to the site newbie's even if they aren't real new to the WHOLE SITUATION.

Thanks albany,
Initially when I first thought that she was lying because she kept telling everyone that the father was her ex- husbands(she never was divorced), then my husbands then the ex bf ect.

I looked up my husband and my rights and spoke to about a dozen lawyers, to fight all the "lies". I kept throwing wrenches in the cs case till she submitted to a paternity test.

Sometimes I wish I didnt know and was still in the dark, the truth stings really.

oh yes it does and it is even worse to do all that research for you and H and then have H walk back away after he came groveling back--been there done that but it is different for all of us and we all walk in a little bit different shoes. Yep the whole thing stings especially since it feels like we are being punished for being the good ones.

Albany my husband has not walked back away.

He is still groveling and wanting our "family" to get through this. Yeah right!
I wont have the psycho in my life stalking me forever.

My only solice is he hates the Xow guts. She stalks us and harrases his family.
I think its misplaced anger towards his own guilt for hurting his children with adultery. thats another issue altogether.

Cordelia,
Thanks for the info. Truly, I would rather file in her state. Our state is the most liberal in the country (I think) for CS awards....her state has a cap on how much can be given to her. So she would not be able to continually come for more. Now I could be mistaken about that. The last few messages we got from her were pretty much about $$$. We will see.

She also talks to my husbands secretary, which I don't like. She was set up to be an intermediary for the legal matters (I wanted the attorney only, but H did it anyway). She talked to her this week and said how hurt her 14 year old son has been by this. No kidding!! They were both dumb to introduce my H to him even when she was pregnant....he was not free to marry her. However, she was going to move to our city to be with my H and leave her 14 year old behind with Dad #1, even though he has always lived with her. I don't think she was really thinking about him at all during the whole affair! She is only trying to make the secretary feel sorry for her and have my H hear about her call.

Do you ever feel like "This isn't really my life?"

I know our ow is out of state and we have to use someone in her state. And like you , her state is less when it comes to c/s and stuff. Which we are working on now. But LB, I'm sorry you are having to deal with so much in your life. God must know you are a very strong woman! Cause he doesn't give us what we cant handle. So you are up there on his list. I will tell you that I also have a friend who has B/C and her H had an A w/ her best friend. Who was helping take care of her when she went thru Kemo and Rad. SO I have an insite to what you are going though. They didn't have a child together but they did get her child cause she was sick. So kepp praying and I will to. ANd check w/ the state she is in and find ourt if he can relenkish (sp) his rights? Good luck and keep you head high cause God knows how strong you are.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

LBelle
I see you filed for Divorce in your tagline.
WERE you awarded a temp order for childsupport and spousal support?

If you have that order in hand it cuts down on any money he is obligated to pay for OC and helps to make the courts only look at her and his incomes in the calculations and not to consider yours when it comes to how much avail money your husband had for OC CS.
Your order would be first.

Now dont forget to talk to your lawyer about the fact that the woman was married and making the courts make her husband out to be the legal father, thus giving you more time to save money to pay for your husbands CS obligations in full and there wont be any interest or arreages as they call it.