Originally posted by CodyG:
You have an absolute right to be angry with your father and his choices.

and.... also the absolute right to make the decision to let go of the anger, if that seems the appropriate and healthy thing to do.


For the others I don't see where JustFine is placing any of the blame on BW but solely on his father. I don't think its very realistic to expect him to hold his mother responsible.

Notice the shift in words you made ... "blame" when refering to father, vs "responsible" when refering to mother ...

Both are responsible for choices. Blame may be the incorrect choice of words.

When is it time to stop the anger and to begin the healing of childhood wounds?

Pep

Okay, you are kinda discussing one of my biggest fears. I wonder if after 16 years my son is going to hate me for adopting him. Will he see it as me taking him away from 'his mother'. My reasons for my decision were not spiteful, mean, or out of anger. I chose this path out of love and would not change it, even if I knew he was going to hate me for it later. But I can't help but wonder if someday he is going to feel anger at me for removing him from his bio-mother and half siblings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillStrong:
<strong> Okay, you are kinda discussing one of my biggest fears. I wonder if after 16 years my son is going to hate me for adopting him. Will he see it as me taking him away from 'his mother'. My reasons for my decision were not spiteful, mean, or out of anger. I chose this path out of love and would not change it, even if I knew he was going to hate me for it later. But I can't help but wonder if someday he is going to feel anger at me for removing him from his bio-mother and half siblings. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">~LOL~

Let me tell you ... when he is 16 and mad at you for saying "NO, you cannot do that." he is going to try to hurt you with whatever ammo is available to him including this gem ---> "You are not even my *real* mother"

I heard it (the first time) from our (adopted) son when he was about 12.

It means "Waa-waa I am not getting my way so I am going to lash out."

The answer is , "Nevertheless, you still can't do (whatever)."

This will likely be said to you, and do not take it personally, it is like a 3-year old saying "I hate you."

It is a way to deflect from the fact that he is not getting his way, and trying to press HARD on your maternal guilt buttons.

Be cool. Do not waver... begin your response with "Nevertheless..."

Today, if I remind our son he said this, he says, "I did? I don't remember doing that."

Pep

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

JustFineAndDandy,

If you are interested in a support board for Other Children and the Women who are raising OC's, please email me privately.

littleone@cheerful.com

(This is not the other website you had mentioned)

I wanted to thank you for your post. I, along with many other mother's to OC's, have thoroughly appreciated you telling your story. We are doing the best we can raising our children, and you have given us insight that will help us. Thank you.


CheerfulLittleOne

xOW & Mommy to the Most Beautiful Baby Ever! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

JustFineAndDandy,

I am sorry that your parents put you in this position in the first place. You are the perfect example why women/or men should not be engaging in this kind of behaviour.

It saddens me a great deal to see a young man in pain.

You are still very young...and I am guessing you have no children or married.

My guess is when you get older you will be a better judge of the situation.

When you get married and have children of your own.... I hope that you take something of value of your parents experience....

Good Luck
Wiz

I don't see why you would put all the blame on your fahter at all. Can't you see what position he was in? I agree with the others. Your mother and your father did this hurtfull thing, together. Do you realize how many people THEY hurt?

If his wife and he decided on raising their family without contact, that was a choice, they as parents made for their family. They had to make a choice on what worked best for them. Your mother may have been acting unreasonable, may have been harrassing his wife, whatever the reason, they made a choice.

If they had contact, we could very well be reading a post from the BC in that marriage, hating their father, the ow, etc for the destruction of their family. How they resented the oc being around, etc, and so on.

The bottom line is, EVERYBODY was hurt here. Hurt by the actions of TWO selfish people. EVERYBODY will carry those scars for the rest of their lives. There are quite a few marriages that disolve once the BC grow up cause of the affair and the oc. Those peoples lives have been damamaged too.

Your mother and father have hurt alot of people and they both own it.

YOU need to get past this. Go and live your life and move on. BE happy and live, laugh and love.

Dandy,

I was adopted at birth. My biological mother became pregnant during med school. Her parents gave her a choice. Put the baby up for adoption or give up school. She chose school.
I was adopted by two wonderful people that let me know everyday how special I was. Then my father died and things got very hard.
Now who should I "blame" for my problems ? My biological mother who chose medicine over me, my biological father for not wanting me, how about my biological grandparents for making my mother make that choice, perhaps my father for dying and leaving me ?
We are all so quick to want to blame someone when the simple fact is life is hard and sometimes it just plain sucks. People by nature are imperfect. We all make decisions that good or bad are the best we can do at the time we have to make them. Take for instance your decision to have no contact with your father. Is that a good decision ? I don't know, you don't either. But at this time in your life you feel it is the BEST decision you can make. Only time will tell if you are right. Your father was no different. He did not make his decision to hurt you, he did the best he could at that instant in his life. Its time you stopped blaming him and moved on. Hopefully you will never have to face your imperfections and make a choice that will cause someone else pain.
I wish you luck in finding happiness.

<small>[ October 08, 2004, 12:53 PM: Message edited by: Jtigger ]</small>

Great post Tigger!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And some excellent points!!!

I agree it's easier to blame and hate the Dad more just likes its easier to blame and hate the OW more. His Mom loved him and raised him to the best of her ablity and he sounds like a good man. It would be harder to face his mother, just like its harder to face the WS.

Fine,
I'm sorry that you've been put into this situation. I can admire that your Mom never said bad things about the Wife or your Dad. For all anyone knows she could have planned the pregnancy with your Dad, no ones knows that except your Mother. All I can say is, you never know what your life could have been like w/ your Dad involved. It might have been worse being tossed around from house to house and maybe with a W who resented you from the beginning. It doesn't sound like they fixed their marriage and it doesn't sound like a loving household that you were raised in. I'd count your blessing that maybe you were better off with out him. It is HIS loss in the end that he doesn't know you, just like it will be H loss and my kids loss for not knowing our OC but it was the best decision for us as a family unit. I wish you the very best. And NO parent no matter how loving can take the place of another missing parent. You will always feel the loss but HOW you live with it is YOUR choice!