LynnG,

I am a new member to this board who has been lurking for quite some time. I have some questions for you that I don't feel comfortable posting on the board.

I sent Justuss my email address and have given my permission to share it with you.

I would greatly appreciate your insight.

Thanks,
Cryn

LynnG,

Just in case you question the validity of my motives because of all of the drama currently happening on the board I have provided Justuss2 with a link that tells my story.

Thanks,
Cryn

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: Crynsomuch ]</small>

Every day I find myself staring far out into the sky, wondering if I have inside me whatever it takes to deal with an OC, even if my husband wants no contact. I am doubting my ability to stay the course. To stay focused on the here and now

Some days I think, yes, I can do this. We can do this. But more and more I feel like I'm fooling myself. Like I am dragging out the inevitable. I don't want to end up a bitter woman who should have left long time ago. But, then again I don't want to give up if I am in the middle of a potential miracle; the rebirth of my marriage.....

Crynsomuch,

I am bumping this until Lynne comes along. But I wanted to urge you not to jump ship just yet. I am not in your position with an OC, but there are plenty who are who can help you through the many emotions you will encounter.

Yes, you have choices. And you must weigh them, consider them, carefully. It is true that this could be the beginning of a beautiful marriage. It might also take too much out of you. But it will take some time to know into which camp you will fall.

Give it as much time as you can.

~ Snow

<small>[ October 11, 2004, 07:37 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

P.S. I hope someday you'll be able to change your name to "smilingsomuch"!

~ Snow

I don't know the circumstances of what you are dealing with, but let me share a little of mine. When I first found out about my WS's affair, I was informed that the OW was six months pregnant. We were 47 years old and she was 21 yrs old. I struggled and struggled about what to do, as I still really loved my WS, but I, too, didn't know if I could genuinely accept an OC. And I really didn't even want to start raising another child as mine were in their late teens. I brought up the issue of whether or not I could accept the OC and work on our marriage. My WS said that he knew he could never ask that of me, but would like to work on reconciliation. I told him that I would take it one step at a time. Dealing with the affair....dealing with a child who would always represent his betrayal...dealing with the OW as the OC's mother for life...dealing with starting to parent all over again... I was in IC at the time...We had been in marital counseling when the sexual part of the affair started! When the OC was born another issue came up. He was born with Down Syndrome. I would now have to consider if I wanted to raise a special needs child. I had never been very comfortable around individuals with D. S. I finally asked to meet the baby. The first time I took him in my arms and gave him a bottle, I fell in love with him...in all his innocence. I don't know how things would have worked out in the long run. My WS never made any changes that would allow us to reconcile to a happy, committed relationship, so I divorced him. I obviously don't know what is right for you. But if you're relatively new to the whole situation, I guess I would encourage you to hold off on a permanent decision until all that has happened can be processed. Although my life was "on hold" for more than a year, I don't regret not moving on sooner. I wouldn't have been prepared to let go and be at peace.

I don't post much but just wanted to say what a wondreful post HeartFailure!
NGU

I am wondering if or when I will ever get past this horrendous feeling? I have an incredible desire to heave every time I think of that baby, every time I think of my husband getting that willing woman pregnant, every time I look at my own children, every time I see a baby. God I hate this.

Hello Crynsomuch,

I know the feeling. You feel like this whole matter is consuming u. I am sorry for your pain. Try to do other things to take your mind off of the matter. I don't know your story, but I do understand the violations that u feel. Take this time to comfort yourself by doing things that will make you feel good. And most of all pray.

Take care.

Hi,

I know exactly how you feel at this point. Exactly a year ago I was at the same point that you are in. Read and get into counseling, I wasted a lot of time feeling bad and depressed for me and my children. I wanted so much to just make it all go away, but it doesn't. I had those same feelings of throwing up whenever I thought of OW and her being pregnant with OC, and when I would look into my children's eyes. My daughter was only 5 months old when I found out about it. He had started his affair when my daughter was only a few weeks old, imagine that.

She is 18 months now and has no real rememberance of her father ever living in the house with her. Sometimes I still feel sick thinking about it, but I took time and tried to work on healing before filing for Divorce.

My advice to you would be to take sometime for yourself and please get out and do things. Others here would tell me to do that and I would not and it literally killed me to go on. I don't wish that kind of pain on anyone. So pick yourself up and dust yourself off know that it is not your fault and stand tall.

If he wants to make things right he will if not you will be a better you!!

JT

Hello dear. I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you.

While I am flattered you want to email me, I feel that my advice is one opinion. There are many wonderful women here, who just a few months ago were in the pits of despair that you find yourself in right now. Through tears, laughs and anger, they have found their way and are now moving well past this speed bump. And honey, that is all this is. A speed bump. So let it all out and get lots of opinions and views. You will find support and true, heartfelt care as you walk down this path. OK.

Now, I would like to ask you a few questions.

How long ago was the affair? Oc born or not? Do you have children with your husband?

The reason I ask is that if this is new to you, feeling lost is normal. If this has gone on for a while you might be in a depression, you should seek your doctors advice on this. There is one thing I can tell you to do about depression. Unless you have some physical ailment, it will do wonders for you. Get out and walk. Walk fast, walk far. But get out and do it. The rythmic motion of walking soothes the tired mind. It is good for the inside of you as well as the outside. Ok? So promise me you will get out and walk. Got a dog? Bring it along!!! Animals are the best listeners. They truly are!!

Ok. So you are not sure about the whole oc. That is normal. That is totally and 100% understandable. Especially if this is all new to you. Sounds like your husband wants no contact. I am also going to assume that he loves you and wants nothing to do with ow at all. That he wants the marriage. Is he being open and honest with you? Are you in counseling? Do you feel he is being honest with you? Cause if he is doing all of that, and you are stuck on the oc issue, then we will get you going, ok?

See, we have an oc. Never had contact. We pay cs and went on with our lives. We have had a rich happy life too! We have 3 kids and they are busy, happy, healthy and thriving. We have had wonderful days and lived a totally normal life. Of course we have the cs each month (one year left!). But that is no big deal. Just something we have to do and it will be over soon.

Honey, life is going to throw you lots of curves. People lose jobs, family and friends can pass away, car accidents happen, lots and lots of worse things can happen. So quit wasting time on this. It is just a speedbump. Sure, it hurts. But you will heal, you will live through this and you can be happy. CHOSE IT.

Think of it like a house fire. Your stupid husband was playing with matches and burns the house down. You lose everything. So, you rebuild. You are mad at him at first for being so stupid. Then you find the strength and start working through the legal aspects of it all, insurance, etc. You get the money and start rebuilding the house. One day you, in the middle of it all you will get furious and angry that this happend. The next you will be picking out carpet together, all will feel normal. Then you will have days that you mourn the loss.

Soon, the new home will be complete. You will have had holidays, birthdays, normal days and the new memories in the new home will be your life. Someday you will realize that you don't even think about the old house anymore. You will be home! Life will and does go on. So CHOSE to live it! I hope that made sense.

But for now, take it one day at a time.

Please stay in touch. We all truly care about you and want you to be happy again. Some of us have lived through this, others are new, we all have different stories. But one thing is 100% certain, between the diversity you will find your way!!!

It wasn't to long ago that Sunny was dealing with tough issues....today look at how strong and sure she is!!! KT too. She has really been throught he mill and look at how strong and sure she is!!! Someday, that will be you! Strong, secure and confident!!!

I promise you, life will go on and you will be happy!!!

LynnG,

Thank you so much for responding to my post. I have been lurking on this board for many months now. Contact with the oc is not an option I wish to entertain in any way shape or form. I sought you out in particular because you seem to be the champion of woman/couples that are not interested in contact. You seem so strong and sure of yourself and your decisions. I hope to get to that place some day.

I am apprehensive about sharing my story on this website as I do not want to be a part of the ow baby/mama drama that seems to occur so often. I know that I shouldn't let it bother me but it does, they only
confirm my opinion of them/her.

How long ago was the affair? Oc born or not? Do you have children with your husband?
He had a short term affair in Jan 03. He has not seen or spoken to ow since it ended. Oc will be 1 year old this week. We have three children of our own.

Sounds like your husband wants no contact. He has stated from day one that he wants no contact. He was not aware of the pregnancy let alone the oc until he was served paternity papers. He feels much like a sperm donor.

Are you in counseling? Do you feel he is
being honest with you? We are both in IC and MC. I believe that he is being honest with me. He openly answers all of my questions. He was pretty up front from the beginning. He told me about the affair 4 days after it started. He just stupidly separated from me and continued his long distance affair.

If this has gone on for a while you might be in a depression, I have cried every day for just over 150 days. The affair was easy to deal with this is not by any stretch of the imagination. I am fighting to breathe. I realize that my serotonin levels are low and I am doing what I can to raise them. I run frequently. I am not a pill person and refused to be lowered into the depths of the ow who was on Prozac.

More and more I am questioning whether all of this is worth it. Do I love him? Yes. Do I loathe him. Yes, yet I'm tired of living like this. I am tired of hurting all the time. I feel an overwhelming desire to move far away.

I hope that one day you might email me. I sure could use the support and I could fill you in on more of the details that I can't/won't put on this board.

<small>[ October 18, 2004, 06:00 AM: Message edited by: Crynsomuch ]</small>

Lynn, I sincerly mean this, that was a great post to her!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 17, 2004, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: needtomoveon ]</small>

Crynsomuch

My heart went to you. Reading your post brought me back to those horrible days..of despair.

I know how you are feeling; all you want to do is disappear.

When I first found out; like you; we didn't even entertain the possiblity of contact. In our case we did not have a choice. The OW in our situation..was nutty as fruit cake. She was a constant present in our lives. She kept approaching my children..and me. She would come up to me... screaming... I just walked away. To this day, I have never said one word to her. There is noway I would even wast my time on her. I was just very good at documenting.

We would have opted of having NC from day one. Today I am still a firm believer of it even though my situation speaks differently.

Believe me, I can't begin to tell you...how I just wanted to drop off the face of the earth. No one knows how utterly devastating this feels.

This is so long ago for me. And I never thought I could survive it but you can. Crynsomuch you can beat this. Time. I wish there was some magic words to tell you. LynnG is so right! You can live a full life. You have three beautiful children. Don't let this destroy you. In time you find this all lifting off your shoulders.

With us, we only dealt through our lawyer. Believe me this infuriate her... my H and I have never spoken to her. We have always done it through our attorney. ALWAYS.

You have rights. You have the right to be happy.

wiz

Oh honey, you need to stop that right now. GEt yourself to a doctor if need be. But CHOSE not to cry. Don't you let this mistake control your whole life!!! You are to good for it.

Your husband made a huge mistake. I am sure, that he is horrified at all that has transpired. He loves you and wants to stay with you and your beautiful family. So, take his hand and go and live it!! Let him seduce you out of your funk.

And that is all this is. You have trained your brain to be sad and to cry. Right now you are stuck in victim mode. So, I want you to plan a day. Be it with your kids, your husband, your sister, your best friend, whomever. Just plan a day where you are going to have fun. All geared around you. Like facials? Go get one then hit the shops. Like hiking? Plan a day of it. Do what you love to do!! Wear yourself out in some activity that you enjoy. But start training your brain to slow down and stop the obsessive thoughts. You will survive this. But only you can help you right now. Don't give perfect strangers such control over your life. YOU CHOSE how your going to live it. So go and plan something. Then come back here and tell us about it!!!

As for no contact. I am 100% against it for many reasons. Mainly being that we all, (mm,bw,bc,ow,oc)get a piece of the hurt pie and everyone moves on. No sense in trying to play happy family. No sense in uprooting an entire family, causing upheaval all to accomodate one person. No sense in confusing your children or embarrassing them with their fathers mistake. I was advised early on that contact is a huge mistake and causes resentment all around. The children of the marriage resent the oc and the embarrssment of having to explain this visiting child. It goes on and on. I believe strongly that it is in the best interest for all to move on gracefully (if possible). One thing I must insist on is that all things be handled legally. Once child support is set, does not end the legal battles. This is not a simple situation. A good laywer will help you protect your future.

Example, make sure oc is mentioned in your will, so if something horrific should happen, the ow can't come and demand a portion of the estate for the oc. We have the oc mentioned and explain clearly that he his to inherit no more then $1.00. To prove that we did not forget him, but that family assets are to remain in the family.

Stuff like that needs to be addressed.

Once all is in writing, move on with your life and live it. Quit allowing this one insignificant thing control you. YOU control you.

You can do this. Sure, it is hard, but someday this will be in the past. Honey, life goes by fast, don't waste another day. CHOSE to be happy and move forward. Do things for YOU.

What do you need from your husband? Romantic weekend? Let him romance you and enjoy it. Do you need time alone with a good friend? Leave the kids with him and go away with a friend.

You need to re-engage in your life. So start NOW. Don't wait another hour, day, week. GO AND LIVE YOUR LIFE.

Go to movie with a girl friend (find a comedy) and laugh until it hurts. Or rent a movie. Teach your brain to be light and laugh again. One of my favorite movies (comedy) is Dumb and Dumber. Simply cause it was so funny. Totally low brow, slap stick stupid humor. It allows the brain to totally shut off and just laugh. Ever seen the Austin Powers movies? Maybe others here can tell you some great comedys to get a smile on your face and a chuckle in your heart!!

YOU CAN DO THIS.

I don't know how to convince myself that an OC is like a speedbump in the road. For me it is much more like a mountain that is too big to go around and too high to go over. This to me is the ultimate betrayal of my marriage. Nothing in my mind is worse than him getting another woman pregnant while married to me, whether it was intentional or not.

It is so much more than a speedbump. The OC is his son. A son that my body would not let me have. A son that takes the place of the ones I miscarried. It is a living, breathing permanent reminder of what I couldn't do and what my husband could and did do.

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 07:12 AM: Message edited by: Crynsomuch ]</small>

Cryin,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A son that takes the place of the ones I miscarried </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO NO NO!!!
NO child could EVER take the place of the children you loved, each with your whole heart, and then lost tragically.

Hugs to you.

Honey, what I am saying is that life is long and lots of things good and bad will happen. Having an oc is NOT the worst thing that can happen to you. Sadly, you have had miscarriages and THAT is far worse then an oc.

The oc is NOT a replacement for those you lost. You can't think of it that way. Unless your husband was planning on having a child with her, it was a mistake.

If you keep looking at all the bad and not trying to find what is positive, you will be stuck in this funk and waste precious days of your life.

If he had the affair,but no oc would you still be able to forgive and move forward? Why does an oc make a difference?

This is YOUR marriage. YOUR future. YOU need to get tough and fight for it. If this is what you want. I too never saw a way to recover in the early days. Hired a laywer, the whole nine yards. BUT here we are. Years later, together and fine. Sure we have had to pay for cs. But that will be done soon. We still lived, loved, laughed, raised a family, had holidays, vacations, school events, etc. The oc did not mar any of that. We CHOSE to have no contact and moved forward with OUR lives, and OUR marriage.

You need to decide what YOU want and go for it.

Gosh Crynsomuch

My heart breaks for you. You bring me back to those horrible days.

You know what. Lynn...is soooooo right. Its possible to move on with this... I know this has been horrible for you....

But you need to make some decisions...

I decided that I needed a solution for me...

First I dealt with that famous question? Can I live with this? If you can answer that ?? You got your answer...

This will be deciding factor to stay with you H or Not...
But honey, you need to find peace with this situation....

I know what you are going through... I swear.. I was devastated..for very long time...

But then I fought back, I wasn't going to allow this twit or My H actions..control my destiny. I work and I ran til I dropped. I got it out of my system. It was important to see that my H was doing his part... he was terrified..so was I...

Honestly I thought how am I going to survive this? But I did with the support of my very good friends..and my H....and time.

Cryn...I wish I could stay on more..I have to run. Got to work. Hey you are going o be alright..keep talking it out.

wiz

<small>[ October 26, 2004, 07:45 AM: Message edited by: wizard ]</small>

Lynn,

I too never saw a way to recover in the early days. How long did it take you to get past this point. Maybe I am just to close to OC dday to see the light.

Wizard,

First I dealt with that famous question? Can I live with this? If you can answer that ?? You got your answer... I know that I'm not in a position to make a major life alterring decision right now. I know that my head is not in a good place. I told my H that I will give him until the end of January. It will then be 6 months past OC dday. If I don't feel better by then, I don't think I will ever be able to deal with him having an OC.