My H keeps telling me he loves me. He trys to call once a day to see how I am , what am I doing etc. This is nice ,but when he doesn't I worry.
He is still residing at with his bachlor brothers. Says were not seperated/ were married?
I keep asking when he's coming home, he just says soon.
He still hasn't established paternity. i'm not sure if it's the money or what he's waiting for.
He hasn't talked to Ow , at least he says so.

I know that will change soon , since the baby is having surgery on the 29th. I'm angry as now there will be no focus on our children and there Halloween. I know that is selfish of me.

I feel as though I'm playing father and mother. He doesn't take them off my hands. I have them 24/7 when I'm not in school full-time. I study, clean and bus them around. I'm feeling taken for granted.

Now that I said I will stay in the marriage i feel as though he doesn't have to rush home. he has what he wants, why rush home? I take care of the kids, pay the bills and worry about everything. All he has to do is work , go to counseling and focus on himself.

Am I wrong to feel angry about this. Yes were doing a date night at least everyother week. Last week was cut short because of babysitting. H says there is a reason because he had altready arranged a getaway for us on the 23rd, to be a surprise. How am I suppose to believe this?

Any advice, I know this is all still new but my patience is wearing out

Lori

lori~

I remember you said you had an understanding of Plan A. Are you sticking to it? If so, continue to do so. Remember, it needs to be a stellar one. Go back and read up on it if you need to, to refresh yourself. Also, check out the General Questions forum on this site. There is always some sort of Plan A thread going on over there to give you both a clearer understanding and encouragement. You may want to even start a thread over there, (perhaps this same one), because they get a lot more traffic.

You may be reaching the point of needing to move to Plan B, especially if your H continues his cake-eating for much longer. Read up on Plan B, and familiarize yourself with it. There's a plethora of Plan B threads to be found over at GQ as well. You can do a search, if you cannot find active ones on the first couple pages.

Keep the faith, and take good care of yourself, and those kiddos of yours!!

Best regards,
~autumnday

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Cool, you followed my advice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Unfortunately, not much traffic this time of night. I'll check it for you tomorrow, and bump it up if it starts to move down the page without much response. The place really starts humming in the mornings. Remember to look for other threads dealing with the same subject.

Time for nighty-night for me, waaaay past my bedtime!

I promise to stay awake long enough to say a prayer for you and yours!

~ad

<small>[ October 08, 2004, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

I agree with the others. Read through plan A again. Then really think it out. If this is stressing you to much, and you feel taken for granted, maybe it is time to study Plan B. Then decide where you are at emotionally. Is it anger you are feeling or is it that you are losing patience.

Sometimes we want things taken care of NOW and don't realize we are on the right path. So we make a snap decision. This is your life, your marriage and your family. So if you are feeling agitated and taken for granted, really think this out. Read the site again. Then when you are less irritated, you can make a more educated sound decision as to what you want and where you are at.

I'm angry as now there will be no focus on our children and there Halloween. I know that is selfish of me.

Since when is looking out for you childrens' best interest selfish?



Am I wrong to feel angry about this.

Let me take this "wrong" off your hands... FEELINGS are never morally wrong, nor are they morally right. FEELINGS just are. And ALL FEELINGS are temporary. The human neurology set-up cannot sustain one feeling indefinately.

Anger will pass.

By the way, anger is not a primary emotion. Always a secondary emotion as a response (usually an ego protective response) to another more risky emotion ... like sadness, dispair, moral revulsion, or grief.

Don't judge your feelings. Just acknowledge they exist. Take a look at your feelings, ask yourself what you might learn from that experience of that feeling, and rest assured, the feeling will eventually pass on to another feeling.


Any advice, I know this is all still new but my patience is wearing out

As you plan A ... take excellent care of yourself. Pamper yourself in any way you can.

Pep

Today was extremley rough. I had coversation with H last night. I felt so devastated!

He was harsh as he says he's tired of me pushing . Says everytime he's home I ask when he's coming home for good. H says he doen'st know just that he will be home. Says he doen't know why he chooses not to right now. He loves me and the kids . Is mine forever , and I'm stuck with him if I want. I don't UNDERSTAND this.

I only ask because I never know when I'll talk with him again. I'm trying to stay on top of things.

He also said when he's home or near famliy(his) he's see's my pain, feels like a failure and the only place he's at worth is work. I'm supportive , How can I understand this. I even said I'd help out with the child if it truly is his and he wants contact.

I cried all the way home today from school. Then puked when I got there. i don't know how much more I can handle. I know in my heart that God is there but I really don't feel his prescence right now. I simply feel like running...

Lori

Hi Lori,

Sometimes u just have to stop, take a break, and be still...and let God work.

I would not ask H anything else.

Alot of times we as women feel we have to know, we have to have an answer right now because we are being consumed by all that is going on...we can not even concentrate for thinking about the A, OC, what if this, what if that...the list goes on. I know it is hard, believe me...but u have to start thinking about yourself, and your sanity. Give your H his moment...don't ask him anything. Just do your best to have normal conversation...how was work, what did u eat today...I don't know, but just anything except talking about the problems. U will feel better that u actually got thru having a convo with him without mentioning it...and low and behold, if he mentions it, just listen. Make him think your mind is elsewhere. He will hang up the phone and say to himself, "wow, she did not even mention anything about me coming home, etc"...the wheels in his mind will start to turn. Perhaps he will see this as strength from u, and not weakness.

Just try it for a while, and see what happens...eventually, u will realize that your life does not revolve around the problems...but it should revolve around making a better u, and a better u means more for u to bring to the table when the time is right to deal with your H. I hope this helps. Take care.

Thank you Gofigure,

I broke down in the car again while waiting for my daughter to get her Flag uniform altered.
I called H, wrong thing to do!

Anyhow, I think your right. I need to give it a rest. I plan not ask anything, contact etc through the weekend.

I have another tough decision to make on resigning my position on a Praise and worship team at least for awhile. I feel as though I'm failing God as well. I've prayed about this but I don't seem to get an answer. I think it's best I take a break. No one knows of our problems etc., but I haven't been to practice regularly and anyhow, this may seem trivial to you all but this decision is also weighing me down.

This weekend I'm going on haitus. I'm just going to try and make it through!
Lori

Hi Lori,

Yes, just take a break and make time for u...go get your hair & nails done...go have some dessert...go to the movies...take your kids bowling...go get a good book to read...not about this stuff...just a good mystery novel or something to take your mind off of things.

And about the praise and worship team, don't worry about it, God knows your heart, he will understand. Stay praying!!!

Let this be your weekend! Take care.

<small>[ October 08, 2004, 11:03 PM: Message edited by: Gofigure ]</small>

lori~

I don't have much to add to gofigure's advice. She gave you excellent advice. I hope you'll be able to follow it. When looking at the big picture, it might seem a difficult thing to do, but if you look at it one day at a time, or one call, one visit at a time--you'll be able to do it.

You are at a breaking point, and I think changing your focus, changing your topic of discussions with your H will be a relief to you and not just your H. You'll be keeping it light. I'm with gofigure--he will be wondering what's up with you. Let him.

The praise & worship situation is not trivial at all. I know the time and committment such a position requires. IMO, your plate is more than full as it is. Nobody has to know your exact reason for resigning. Please don't feel like a failure. Yes, God should come first in one's life, BUT, God does not equal church ministries. You are well past the saturation point right now. It is a season in your life where YOU need to be ministered to. Have you sought counsel with your Pastor? Take care of yourself, your little ones, and your M, and trust me, God will not be disappointed--quite the opposite.

Try to have a nice relaxing weekend. Try to set the worries and the unanswered questions on the back burner.

~ad

Thanks for all the great advice....as I posted in General questions. I made it through today!

I didn't contact at all. Older kids called for Fair/concert money and H came by to bring it to them. I went about my business/cleaning. He gave me a kiss good bye and went back to the school.

I didn't ask about when he was coming home or anything.

H called back 30 minutes later to tell me the living room and bathroom looked really nice. I just said thank you and we hung up.

This evening h called to see what I was p to with our younger ones. I just answered with were playing at Del Taco and left it at that. H says ok..well I love you see you later and I said ok bye.

I feel good I stuck to this. It was nice to take a break from it...even though i felt lonely. I also wrote my resignation or more Leave of absence from my music involvment at the church. I feel a little relieved.

Tomorrow is another day...I would like to get out and visit my Aunt or Grandmother but not sure if I should contact H to watch the kids?
I guess I'll play it by ear. The no contact thing seems to have worked today!

Lori

Lori,

That sounds wonderful...just keep doing it...it is obvious by what you have told us that your H took notice. (with all the calling back, etc.) If you can today, take the kids with u, if not ask a friend to watch them. Don't bother H. Let him be...not saying that he will not have this obligation later, but just let him see your independence of him...it shows strength.

STay praying...I am praying for u also. Take care.

<small>[ October 10, 2004, 02:21 AM: Message edited by: Gofigure ]</small>

Lori:

For what it's worth I agree with gofigure. Keep up the "oh so you called" attitude and take kids with or don't go today.

Will be thinking of you. Stay strong.

Well, I did not go and spent time with the kids. My older children 14, 12 have plans again this weekend. I feel left out, everyone is going and doing something.

I feel somewhat of a single mom these days. I get no help with the kids really. I am to cook clean, and so on. I know as a mother it's my job, but I want a life too. Between school and kids I have no identity. I guess I resent the fact that my H can just come and go as he pleases. I am to put no pressure's on and it makes me a little crazy.

Last night he calls to tell me he still loves me and to thank me for not pushing and do I know that it won't be months or years before he returns. My only comment was " yes I know you love me, but know I don't know whether it will be months or year I'm just doing what you ask, not to push." I REALLY HATE THIS!

We have no set plans on when he takes kids etc...because he refuses to say were seperated. When I bring up the subject of setting up something it's always...."oh, so you want to move on then" I can't win. Raising 4 children of various ages is hard much less on my own.

Because I'm going to school , I'm not working so I have to constently ask for money for gas or for the kids...etc. Do I take on a part-time job and never see them?

Any suggestions for hanging in there??

Lori

Hi Lori,

Hang in there! U will get thru this. I know it is hard, and even harder w/ u in school, but hard work always pays off in the long run. Talk to your kids about pitching in around the house to elevate all of the burden being on u. Make sure their rooms are clean before they can say that they have plans to just go hang out for the weekend. My daughter used to pull that with me...13 years old..every weekend plans...movie, friend's house, this or that...leaving her room like a tornado hit it..(straight A student...that is why I always allow her to do most things)...until I put a stop to it. I told her her things need to be in order before she even thought about going out. Hopefully the kids will understand, they are not crazy, they see what is going on, especially the older ones. I would tell u to join a gym to relieve some stress, however, u r not really dealing with much free time. Life is what we make it, so just do your best to enjoy your free time. Sometimes it s good to spend time alone. Redeem your soul. Love yourself. Go get a mani& pedicure... do soemthing for just u. Take care Lori. It will get better. Stay praying.

Hi Lori,

My madien name is Harris! Just thought I'd share that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Y is your H not living w/ u? What reason does he have for not coming home now?

I think u need to tell him u need help with the children, there is no reason that u should get a part time job, sounds as if u have quite a bit on your plate right now. Since your H says "u two r not separated" then he should be home, can't he come get the kids & take them to his place to give u some much needed time for Lori?

Have u tried to use any MB principles with him at all? I would say u r trying to follow plan A right now which is hard to do with him not there, but speaking from exp. it is not good for him to live the single life & come to your home & reap the benefits of a H from his wife that he leaves every nite to sleep elsewhere???

I think u need to try to talk to him about MB principles & let him know this current situation is not acceptable, if u r not seperated, according to him, maybe u should be legally w/ CS set up also.

This is not starting out well Lori, u have to speak up, I too heard the "u r pushing me" speech & it only benefits them, meanwhile u r suffering & your kids will too if u r expected to handle everything by yourself.

I hope this helped u some way, I am probably not the best person to advise since I went thru this w/ no small children at home but the rest of the situation is pretty much the same, they (H's) will only do what we allow them to get away with & they will enjoy the "freedom" of being away from home w/o all the responsiblities but still reaping all the benefits when they "visit" home.

To answer your post on GQII yes u need to say SOMETHING!

Take care of yourself.

WEll,

Sorry...wasn't finished. today was nice. We took the two youngest to a matinee "shark Tales" The only downfall was that we were suppose to go later in the afternoon...but he had too much planned so he couldn't do that.

Anyhow...says he will be home tonight around 9:00pm to watch a movie with me. I don't really plan on it because he's let me down too many times before.

About moving home...I suggested steps...maybe 1 night then 2 and so on. He says he's already doing that with being home in the mornings and stayed one night last week. Anyhow, I really need the everyday. He's counselor says that's a good step.

However, he says he can't understand why everyone is telling him to just go home when he already knows that is what he plans to do. I don't understand it. If there was a place for him to take the kids a day or so...I would make him however he is staying here and there. Also the kids schools are in a different city, so it would be too much back and forth.

About filing seperation??? Can you do that without divorcing and CS??

Not sure I want to push those buttons as I don't want a dicorce much less a seperation.

Lori

I planned a talk last night. I tried to get my H to go out for a talk but he wanted to just stay home.
Anyhow , I wrote some issues down I wanted to discuss The Paternity....I gave him all the info he needed to get it done. What he plans to do as far as support..w or w/out contact with other child? What our plans of reunification was /where were going from here?

Intially he was gung-ho that the child was most likely his and he was not abandoning his responsiblilites. That the child would know his father. WEll since there has been no contact...except a call from her updating on child condidtion. My H has not sent anything/paid anything or seen the child since Aug. So with suggesting the paternity he is going to get done, he says that then he will start thinking of what he's going to do.

He wants nothing to do with OW...well it is her child and unfortunatly he will have to deal with her.

As far as our situation..he is taking baby steps in coming home still. I know in my heart nothing is going on ...but I wish he could make this move sooner. Even though he works a lot...it would still be nice to know that he comes home evernight.

Anyhow just an update..

Lori