Sorry Sunny, but I couldn't resist recycling your thread topic.

Only, they really are coming to dinner. Thanksgiving dinner, to be precise. We are over 4 years post D-day and have come a very long way. We've had a lot of communicating by phone and picture sharing on both sides. However, xMM has not seen his son since he was a couple of months old. We're on opposite coasts and have discussed a visit on numerous occasions. Now it's actually going to happen. I can say, with much relief, that BS and I get along fairly well (longgggg story). I think a lot of that can be attributed to me not being anywhere near her H, thereby giving them much needed recovery time. For Thanksgiving, we're going to be in pretty close proximity (they're staying with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). Since they're only here for a few days, xMM wants to make the most of the time and be there for everything from bathtime, bedtime, to the first morning pee. I'm okay with this (I think). I still have my triggers, as I'm sure BS does as well, but am in a very good place in my life. Any suggestions on how I might make this visit run smoothly for all parties, particularly the BS? I'm pretty open to any ideas and am willing to do what I can to relieve the awkwardness of the situation.

OB1

I remember you telling us on the other board and I just want to say your going to be fine!!! I've read some of your post and your doing good. You have a great attitude towards everyone. How is your so taking all this? What all does your son know? How old is he? I think SunnyD can probally give you great insight on this one. BTW.......not to thread jack or anything how is your foster child doing?

Hey, Mary! Can't sleep, either, huh?

How is your so taking all this? What all does your son know? How old is he?

Jonas doesn't really know enough to "understand". He's 3 going on 4 (3 weeks away). I've been seriously involved with BF for 3 years and my little guy calls him daddy. That's going to be a big bump for xMM, I'm sure. I'm not certain how I should address this. I can't tell Jonas to not call BF daddy. I think it would hurt his and BF's feelings. I don't want my little guy thinking he's doing anything wrong. For all concerned, BF is his daddy (by choice). Not trying to be cold or callous, but I think this is one of those consequences that occur from the choices we make.

how is your foster child doing?

She's doing really well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Thanks for asking. She's settled in quite comfortably....just ask my wallet. She has her first homecoming dance coming up and we've had a lot of fun shopping. For years and years I wanted a girl. Careful what you ask for.... Just kidding. I'm loving this. I really am. I didn't have one by birth, but she's my best friend's little girl. That's close enough for me!

OB1

Obratti, Nope I took a nap late in the afternoon and sleep to long so I was up till 1 AM. I understand what your saying about the consiquenses of our actions. I'm sure as far as all of you have grown, xmm is going to understand this. It's really common sense. He's a lucky little boy to have two men love him. I'm glad your foster daughter is doing good. I remember her story and I'm really glad you were able to get her and raise her. First home coming uh??????? I bet your wallet is empty. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Enjoy her girls are like NO OTHER!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

OB1, I'm glad to hear they are coming for dinner! The OW who I call C was over again last night. She does have a name and she is no longer the OW. She is the mother of A who is the OC. I like names. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Its only been 1 year for our recovery in Jan and we have come along way. I think what makes me feel comfortable, I feel it in my heart. I think people make mistakes, they learn and go on. She made sure I got to say good bye to him and we even changed him together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> It takes two to wrestle w/ it. But the things that would make her feel more at ease I wouldn't be alone w/ him and your actions will make her feel more comfortable. I pay attention to eye contact, body language, how close they get to each other, ect. And like I said based on K and C's actions around me, I feel comfortable. I feel reassured actually. K stays close to me, w/o touching, because I dont want her to feel uncomfortable or as I would see it and a rub in the face kind of thing. I treat her w/ the respect that she treats me, so we are getting along and over this. I wouldn't plan any "drinking" activity's more people tend to loosin up when drinking. Plan things and ask her to help you or if she volunteers, use her. This to me would make it more comfortable. I know everything will go great! And enjoy your holiday.
Does your son know that the man coming is his dad? And as far as him calling the BF dad, that was your sons choice to call him that. I dont think I would tell him he couldn't. He's the only dad that your son knows? I would let xMM know that he does and its something that he will have to deal with, with not being there. Kapeesh! Just my 2 cents.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

OB1,

I read on the private before I came over to open. I'm glad that things with your BF are moving along, and that your foster D is also doing well. I didn't know you had one! My opinion on Jonas calling BF Daddy is that your BF is the one that IS around all the time! Heck, almost ALL his life, so it is completely natural that he would call your BF Daddy. I always say it takes more than DNA to make a Daddy. If the XMM has a problem with it, there's really nothing he can do about it. I know that with the whole country between the two of you makes it difficult, but at least Jonas has a great male role model!

I hope that things go smoothly for Thanksgiving! I really don't have any advice for what you should do. But, I will be praying for a smooth time for all. Refresh my memory, did the XMM's W have a little girl a couple years ago? I can't remember. Maybe plan some time away from and out of the house, that way you are ALL confined inside the house the whole time they are visiting.

It's GREAT to hear from you!

Love,

Tigger

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ohbratti1:
I'm pretty open to any ideas and am willing to do what I can to relieve the awkwardness of the situation.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How about this:

You compose a very special blessing for the meal.

Make personalized placecards for each person.

And, compose a toast too!

Pep

Good idea Pep!!!! After all it's Thanksgiving!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> What better time.

You know, Pep, that's not a bad idea. I'm not into "public" speaking (if you knew me, you would laugh your butt off at that....I'm not known for being "mild" mannered...that latin blood, ya know). Anyway, back on track. I think I could manage something brief. Afterall, we really do have a lot to be thankful for. I see so many of the sad stories here, and it makes me realize just how lucky we are.

As for planning time outside of the house, BS is coming with me and a some girlfriends for our annual After Thanksgiving Sales jaunt....it's a full scale assault. We're up at 4 AM and at the stores by 5. We each have our "assigned" stores, with lists of wants from each one of us girls. You should really see us in attack mode <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . The one of us who is deemed the toughest and meanest looking, gets Wal Mart. She says its a rough crowd <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . By 10 am we're almost done and stop for Starbucks and a little rest....then it's off again. BS isn't quite over the 4 AM wake up call. The BEST part, though.....xMM gets to stay home with the two little ones; my Jonas and their 2 y/o little girl. BS was properly and dramatically horrified.... but then her little horns came out, and she found the humor in it. I advised that my insurance would cover any minor/major damage to the house. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OK, the "dad" thing... I'm all for giving these poor confused kids some LEEWAY!

We started visitation this year; 6yo OC told me recently she wants to call ME mom too and she'll have two dads and two moms. I'm okay with that: why not? (wonder what her mom thinks? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) She said that her mom made her stop calling her step-dad dad and call him by his first name now... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> WtF? He's the only dad she knew until now, why change?! OC knows he's her stepdad and H is biodad, I'm the stepmom and mom's the "real" mom. Who cares what she calls us, so long as it's respectful. Your kid could have Daddy Fred and Daddy George, ya know?

ob1, you continually blow me away with how you get along w/xmm/bs! LOL!! You even patched up that last batch of fighting? Wow. Is xmm retired now? From what I remember, they could even live by me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You guys have a happy thanksgiving!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I agree with Jenny. I think Jonas can call both men daddy and you can think of a way to call them so it won't get confusing. My H will always be daddy, but I am trying to teach the twins that they have another daddy and we call him "daddy D" that is the first letter of his name.
I think kids can feel great about having 2 daddys and 2 mommy's.
Good Luck with Thanksgiving! BTW we do the same shopping the day after Thanksgiving. Actually at Thanksgiving dinner my mom, sister and I are going through the ads planning our attack. What a great holiday tradition!

I'm vaguely familiar w/ your story.

It all sounded dandy right up to the part where they will ALL be staying w/ you.

ugh!!!! That's a little TOO close for comfort from my-need-my-3-ft-of-personal-space-perspective.

I'm glad you are ALL supposedly over all the madness & can do that but not me-no way, no how, NEVER.

I just would never WANT to.
I find it so wierd.

I don't know.
Who's idea was that?
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I know you are pretty comfortable w/ the arrangement-good for you.

Advice from a BW? just don't end up alone w/ xmm for even a second. Only for awkwardness sake I think.

I mean, like if he wants to give J a bath, fine but don't do it together. kwim?

ugh!!!!! No offense intended here but I find this so so so so ODD.
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After thanksgiving sales-----ahh the joy of a good bargain. You know--it's the biggest shopping day of the year. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Consumerism @ it's finest. I prefer to stay home & have some left over pumpkin pie for breakfast. LOL

Supposedly the same applies for the grocery store as well. LOTS of food drastically marked down.

Hope it all works out finely for you.

sincerely,
kt

I hope I'm not butting in, but would like to add to kt's post. Is your BF going to be there also? What are his feelings about the affair and situation?

My H and I visited his OC and we were all very civil to each other, but when the OW and my husband left the room to discuss CS, the OW's H sort of rubbed it in my face that my H cheated on me with his W (they weren't married and didn't know each other at the time of the A) asking some question "Did I know...?" Maybe I took it wrong, but that's the way it was perceived to me, the BS. I was quite the guest and didn't say anything back to him and continued to be civil, although I felt uneasy around him the rest of the time.

Anyway, in addition to not being alone with the xMM, make sure your BF is truely up to it to, or don't leave him alone with the BS. Good luck.