I was just answering a thread and wondered were all the good times went?

I can look at all the old pictures and videos of the "happy" blissful ignorance times. Its been over 2yrs since I have videotaped my children.

I feel overwhelmed with sadness for a lost time of what I thought was happiness.... it really was ..... I was with the kids and him in my ignorance of his betrayal.

I feel like the home is broken, children are forever tarnished, never to be repaired fully again. Sorry if i misspelled I am crying and choked up. I will fix it later.

Anyone - even though you have repaired your families is it ever the same?

Oh you poor thing. Don't fret. Tomorrow get your video camera ready and plan to film this weekend. I don't know how old your kids are, but if they are little, tape them in the costumes. If they are teens, tape them just to tape them!!

Make choices to be happy and work towards it. Time really does heal all wounds and you will be happy again. But it is up to you to take the first step back to your life. You can do it!!

Cordelia,

So sorry you are feeling sad...(especially since I think it was my cupcake thread that did it!!)

But, not exactly in the same way, I know what you mean...especially the "tarnished" feelings.

That's how *I* feel so often. Like, no matter what, I will always carry this rape, and this label, and remember the friends who now think ill of me because I can't allow the truth to be known...because every time I even *think* about allowing myself to hope for a new love in my life, I know that comes with the inevitable *explaination* of my child, my occasional meltdowns, and my life choices.

I wouldn't trade my little one for anything, but I too remember when things were SO much easier...
And when I was free in my heart.

Hugs to you.

yeah that was the thread, sorry it just hit me I use to feel so at peace with the world- we use to argue and eveyone thought we were hilarious arguing, it was comical & entertaining.

Never to hurt one another just to out smart each other, out witt ect.

Now its soooo different I hold my tongue more now as not to hurt him so much, I have such anger and hurt and hatred.
My kids are all messed up, I have been walking around numb and now my legal seperation is in a few weeks and I am falling apart.
I know its best for the kids but I can't handle my insane life with his stalker.

I just want to know when is will be better..... if ever.

Cordelia!!!

How old are your kids?

How is your H treating you. Does he love you- and is he remorseful? Does he love you?

If so- PLEASE know that I HATED my H and literally thought I was going to rub him off.

And because he loved me and was affectionate and FINALLY SORRY- and it took TIME for him to drop the anger towards me... IT DOES CHANGE! It is so worth it to HANG IN THERE and try to love YOU and H. Your love for him CAN change his heart if you make time to show that love thru the pain!

BUT if H is being an A** you won't heal. You must take action to make the kids happy. MY KIDS were so messed up too-- they were a blended step family, but together since young and loved each ot her!!!! all 3 of them were so sad and even didn't know how to react when they came over anymore (my step children).. I cried so hard that our close loving family was "estranged" for a whole summer- it was A NIGHTMARE .... etc...... etc.....

IT WAS HECK.. and THEN it gets BETTER!! I AM IN LOVE /H and HE ME AGAIN-- LIKE a miracle- a miracle w/doses of reality! LOL! The kids are so happy and content again and we have a new home- and *I* found it! THINGS CHANGE IN LIFE- LIKE CRAZY.. and for the better if you insist that Cordelia!

But please honey - your family WILL survive this and go on to be happy. W/or W/o H if that is God's will.

(((CORDELIA)) my heart hurts 4 YOU, posts like yours bring it all back...

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

yes he is remorseful, he begs and pleads and acts great to SHOW me instead of just telling me.

I just cant live with the crazy stalker(OW) in my life,
he hates her and he would probably rub her out if given the chance.
I think with every tear I shed he hates her more. I think he feels he must hate her in order to not kill himself. He threatened that when I first found out and wanted to leave him. he was insane and said insane things like he would kill everyone then himself. Depression didnt even describe it. He was like I was when I found out lost 20pounds suicidal ect.


I cant get away from the craziness. I am torn and cant live without him in my life, but then again cant live with him in it either I cant get all the bad things out of my head that he has done.

I figure if we are seperated, then if i want to after a time of reflection get back together.

he is terrified i will leave forever, he theartens me with once we are not together thats it forever.... I need to take all my things and leave if i cant be strong enough to keep are families together ect.
He is running scared.... he cries and begs one minute and calls me names and threatens the next.

I am sick of it, I only know one thing in my heart he will NEVER end up with the ow,

Cordelia,

Have you thought about moving and starting new in a place where everything is done strictly through and attorney and the OW can't stalk you? It would take planning chere...but can be done.

(((((((((cordelia))))))))))))

I know its hard to move considering I have been a SAHM. I am financially not in the best place and feel like a teenager looking for someone to hire me for the first time. not very lucrative.

If I could up and move I would so as not to leave a trail.....It dies down when xOW thinks she has my contact info.... when i change my number or cut off some other form of communication she starts all over again hot and heavy. Its kinda insane.

I am feeling better now and i think that i am going through health issues is making me emotional.
Sorry about the thread I know its very hard to see that in writing and harder to respond to.

Cordelia,

Have you documented all these things she does? Do you have a restraining order? I know you lost your mother...I'm very sorry...but do you have other family that would help you in some way?

((((((((((cordelia))))))))))))))

Well I have family but just as financially drained as I am.

I have made reports have the restraingin order, she has violated it many times to having a warrant issued.

problem is she has learned how to beat the system and covers her [censored] now.
She moved out of state to avoid arrest. She is not so blatant about her contact any longer. she knows that it has to be proven for her to be prosecuted. so she does it hiding behind a payphone or having someone else send us stuff

Only things i can prove are stuff that has happened in the beginning of the year otehr than that its hard.

I am working on on case at a time to rid myself of all contact