I read something that posed this question in my mind. Interesting, really. Did anyone feel this way about their own H, or their xMM?

Most posts I've read from OW over the past year, almost ALL say that H only stayed w/wife for merely kids or financial reason- i.e. it would cost way too much to divorce her and pay CS and alimony/possibly split assets w/her, etc.

I believe it CAN be true, but most often not. OR WAIT.. how about the fact that MOST wives WORK AND SUPPORT 50% of the household (or more, like me) and don't need him to thrive... OR what about the following that I posted elsewhere as a very solid rebuttal for this theory to an OW who thinks all MM stay in horrid marriages for money:

"That doesn't really make sense to me. Do you think a man would benefit more financially and emotionally to live with his wife and children full time, pay ALL the daily bills/expenses... AND live daily hearing his W *****ing and crying and torturing him,too?

That doesn't really make sense dollar wise to me. Seems to make perfect sense that a man in this situation would benefit WAY more financially and emotionally to be w/OW full time!

As it is stated here all the time, and I agree, the amount of money it takes to LIVE WITH and SUPPORT a wife and family FAR FAR exceeds the amount a wife and family would receive from the amount of alimony or child support they receive! And THEN he has to pay CS to his OC, too!!! He'd come WAY out on top financially to be w/OW and OC.

Emotionally, too- the OW wants him and is waiting w/open arms for him to leave his wife (if still seeing one another) so the emotional part of it would be a no-brainer! A fresh start with OW who almost always states that their love is off the charts, they are soul mates, almost giddy in love..

Compared to an W who practically wants to dump him in a grave after dday..... and who he has to support daily.. absoultely seems like a no brainer accoring to the theories I read here the past year. "

Not to try to cross-post or cause any stupid arguments- just a very curious what your situations here are- do you cost MORE to H with or without him???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by giovanna123:
<strong> Did anyone feel this way about their xMM?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep.

xMM is well off. W does not work. I live in a state where D leads to a 50/50 split. He would have A LOT to lose by D her, and she would have to get off her duff and work if they were to D and she wanted to keep her standard of living the same.

When I was pregnant, MM told me that he was worried that he's going to end up with NO FAMILY while he financially supports everyone else.

They're not divorced, but according to some mutual friends, he's on "Permanent House Arrest" with W holding the key.

I would imagine it will remain that way unless either of them finally decide that their happiness is more important than money. So, I predict they'll be together forever.

I thought of a question that somewhat goes along with Giovanna's post. I don't want to start a war, it's strictly a woman to woman question.

If there were no children in the marriage and you were a successful career woman capable of supporting yourself, would you still fight hard to save your marriage after an affair and child born from the affair or would you divorce and start fresh?

If I was an OW and my MM was stupid enough to tell me that his money was MORE important than me, I think that would say all I needed to know.
Remember, these are suppose to be soul mates <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> There is no way a man's money is more important to him than his soul mate. ( being VERY sacastic here )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I was an OW and my MM was stupid enough to tell me that his money was MORE important than me, I think that would say all I needed to know.
Remember, these are suppose to be soul mates There is no way a man's money is more important to him than his soul mate. ( being VERY sacastic here ) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh my.... you ARE my idol. That was a VERY VERY great point!

I just cracked up so hard--- LOVE IT, JTigger!!!!!

See, it all is just so nutty to me ------ WE are made out to be the doormats as the BS, and OW is this sophisticated, independent, movie star-------- BUT SO wrong---

what the HECKS does it make OW who is actually KNOWINGLY SHARING his goodies w/another woman full time--- and waiting for him to decide if his soul mate, love of his lifetime is worth leaving HIS MONEY and NASTY NAGGING, LAZY, DORKY, NEEDY, POLICE-DOG WIFE!! HAAAA!

Okay, I couldn't resist sticking up for we BSes and the doormat notion. I mean, some may reach that status, but not a status as door-matty as the role of OW is in itself by name. I am FAR toooo protective and feisty w/my loved ones... and YES I feel he must always JUST BE MINE! He is my baby and he WANTS me to feel that way! He LOVES that, actually <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But back to topic... I think SOME do stay for money, sure. Every M has different dynamics.

Cheerful, you truly have absolutely NO idea what his W does during her day. No clue on God's green earth- even if xMM said so- he's lying- and if "others" say so-- they have no freaking clue what goes on in her house either. MM MUST whine about his W on her FAT BUTT all day just to get the bootaaay from OW, really, its so typical.

Oh and another thing... Cheerful...

this is the funniest statement, really, coming from another WOMAN..

WHAT female/woman/wife do you know that just sits at home and has her H support her plush [censored] and just does "nothing" for her family, H, home, kids, errands, looking good, staying fit, doing projects, volunteering.....

Paleeeeeease, WOMEN do 52,0000 things a day, at least EACH AND EVERY, single woman I know. Cept on Springer, literally.

I don't know about staying together for the money part, as in my case I pulled our home out of foreclosure after my fwh spent everything we had on ow in less then 2 mos. It definitely saved my h money to come home. Maybe the ow's who say that the mm couldn't afford to leave the w, simply misunderstood and thought it was the w who was too expensive?

That isn't meant to be as mean as it sounded, just realistic. When a married couple spend money, it's usually on the kids, the house, or put back into a retirement fund of some kind, etc..all of which is some type of investment in each other and their future. This is why the courts split the assets, they BELONG to both. If the ws leaves the marriage, they are only entitled to take their own share...

So who's money is paying for the A?

G123

You got me laughing!! Police_dog Wife! LOL You can come up with some good ones...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and waiting for him to decide if his soul mate, love of his lifetime is worth leaving HIS MONEY and NASTY NAGGING, LAZY, DORKY, NEEDY, POLICE-DOG WIFE!! HAAAA!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know G123 they all think that the reason that they don't leave the wife is b/c of the money... it's the same excuse they use with their children... to the life of me..they buy that same old bull <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jtigger:
<strong> If I was an OW and my MM was stupid enough to tell me that his money was MORE important than me, I think that would say all I needed to know.
Remember, these are suppose to be soul mates <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> There is no way a man's money is more important to him than his soul mate. ( being VERY sacastic here ) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JT, I even agree with that. I had to come to terms with that as well. I felt like WOW money can be remade. Things can be bought. But happiness and life come around only once. Towards the end of my relationship with xmm I even told him that. I do however feel that some men do feel that way and yes it's very selfish and self centered and shows more of the personality of the man.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is why the courts split the assets, they BELONG to both </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is an EXCELLENT post! Its funny- the W is actually ENTITLED to it and MM loses NOTHING that is not is!!! That is the LAW- why is that the law? Because the W is 1/2 responsible for ANY successful husband becomming and staying that way! Truth!

Cheerful said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If there were no children in the marriage and you were a successful career woman capable of supporting yourself, would you still fight hard to save your marriage after an affair and child born from the affair or would you divorce and start fresh?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I actually have no bio children w/H we have 4 children between us and we live as a "normal" bio family w/ all the kids. I actually am a professional, and make a higher salary than H. I DID fight for my M, and one good reason why I *did* feel comfortable doing that with pride still left is.... that I am secure enough w/my income and was independent for so many years before H- its not that big of a risk of my security if it fell apart, etc..

I just made darn sure that after the A/OC, I protected myself financially in a few ways. One was thru buying a home in my name only when I left H before our reconcilation. Another was me changing all life and retirement benefits to my son, solely and in my will. Have all the paperwork and records of OC, etc.... Now, any of this can change eventually when I feel I want to change that. But for any BS in my situation, this is wise....

So the Gio short version is--- YES I did fight even though no kids, independent,etc. It was WORTH it!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OK, Cheerfullittleone, you touched a cord with me. I am a SAHM and I DO NOT sit on my duff! How offensive. I'm guessing you've never been married w/children. And him being on "house arrest", how many men do you think would do that if they didn't really love the woman they were with. Every marriage has it's problems and ups and downs for that matter, and sometimes divorce is the answer. If one is incapale or unwilling to look at their own "stuff" for instance. But you can't possibly know what they're marriage is like or the connection they have between them. I don't see any "decent" man staying with his wife for the $$, unless they have mutually agreed on it. You know, you live your life I'll live mine. But "paying the consequences" of dealing with a scorned wife and "doing the right thing" just for the money, please.

You know, I can understand that someone looked for love in the wrong place, but to assume you know the ins and outs of someone's marriage...An A in itself is based on deception and fantasy, so how any OW can judge a BS or WS for staying. IMHO all OW are just distractions to a WS dealing with their own issues and fantasies for the WS themselves. So, he can go with a fantasy and "wing it" or he can stay with reality, that, done right has so much more potential than the fantasy ever did. How many affairs last in lifetime relationships? Not many, and we all know why. Give your xMM a break, maybe he knows what he's doing and it doesn't have anything to do with you or the $$.

BTW, happiness isn't something you find, it's something you make.

<small>[ November 14, 2004, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: colddayinJuly ]</small>

This is something the ow has to believe. They just cant put their minds around the cold hard facts. They were ON THE SIDE, HIDDEN, they are an embarrassment.

In the early days of discovery, these ow assume so much, and so much of what they think is wrong.

The wife is hardly begging him to stay. He is the one begging to stay. It is not about the kids or the house. It is about the marriage. OW do not hear what the MM says to his wife. Nor do they see all these men go through to stay. In my case I filed immediately. He begged to stay. Now if it was about money, he would have been far better off to leave, since I demanded and got a new home, car, furniture, etc. It cost him far far more to stay with me then it would have had he not fought to stay.

These men seduce, romance and fight to stay with the wife. The ow can't or won't belive this. Cause then they would have to admit that THEY are a mistake. He is embarrassed and ashamed of the affair, meaning he is embarrassed at being with her. She is a symbol of shame. Look at how many OW hate the MM, do they not realize that goes both ways?

No. My husband did not stay cause of money. It would have been to his financial advantage to leave. But he didn't.

ColdDayinJuly,

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that all SAHM's sit on their duff. I KNOW what it takes to run a home, keep it clean, do repairs, take the kids to this lesson and that practice, cook meals, take care of bills and everything else under the sun. I know SAHM's work their buns off!

I meant that this woman in particular is not a Suzie-Homemaker type and DOES sit on her duff while Hubby is the meal ticket.

I know this is not always the case and I didn't mean to offend you.

Cheerful, I'm sure you are not actually implying that a woman's only worth is how well she can cook, clean, organize, etc? Or that this man has a right to betray his wife because he has to work so hard to pay the bills? He may have expressed resentment over the situation to you to justify the A, but what he really should be doing is communicating his feelings to his w.

Both my h and I have taken turns being the one who stays at home. To be honest I have a higher earning potential and my h is soo much better at running the house then I am. Right now due to life's little challenges and agreements my h and I have made TOGETHER I'm the SAHM. I'm a horrible housekeeper and not the best cook. My family is happy, healthy, and thriving. What is the definition of Suzie-homemaker? What is the criteria that needs to be met to judged a good mom? Good wife? Who gets to be that judge? Certainly not the ow or the wh as both have self-motivating agendas by which they judge this woman unfairly.

What I find "amusing" is to hear an ow judge a wife as deserving of being mistreated, left without the support of her h and the safety of her m. The ow doesn't think about the w's children when she's with the mm and assumes it's the w's responsibility alone to take care of them or even worse suggests that the ow would be a great step-mom to the w's children. Ow doesn't think that while she's spending time with mm, the wife is at home watching her whole life fall apart. The w is the one who has to comfort her children when they cry for their daddy when all she wants to do is curl up and die.

The ow falls back on the excuse that they and the mm are really in love? When the mm comes home to his family and leaves the ow with an oc...Wow, does the story ever change. Now mm needs to take care of his oc with her, she shouldn't have to do it alone. Ow is the one facing the fact that w is now her child's step-mom. Ow is watching her life fall apart. Ow doesn't buy the fact that fwh and bw are really in love. I didn't know that someone's ethics and values could change with their own circumstances?

Happymom,

Wow! You said it so well for probably many of us, thanks. That is exactly my circumstances with xow. She said almost those same words and is now hurting over the prospect of raising her 5th child alone.

Off topic....

What "exactly" are the "rules" for quoting from another board? If it is your own post...is that ok?

ent

Ent, I would say the cross posting rules would apply to one who is taking another's post from here to there. Or, a post that by content alone, will start an uproar here and there, etc.

I think its okay when its yours and when you are usuing the usual tact that we should use on respective boards. KWIM.

As far as the following:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The w is the one who has to comfort her children when they cry for their daddy when all she wants to do is curl up and die. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh so true. And then after they are home it sill goes on for the W long after OW is out of the picture..... Most OW believe that the A and/or W is not their concern, not their problem, not their sin- only the married parties. I guess these OW believe, generally it is ok to screw (no pun intended) with other people's lives "indirectly"... no creed in society to take care of your fellow man.. to do unto others.. yadda yadda....

And THEN when the W needs/wants/can't handle contact.. SHE is the one responsible- the OGOR for not wanting to have the child in her home, life, etc.... why is the wife then guilty for "indirectly" screwing with another's life (the child)... its not her problem. THEN its "QUIT WHINING AND GET OUT OF THE MARRIAGE IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE CONTACT" Okay, then OW could not handle a baby, give it up for adoption... if you can't handle a W being involved in your "boyfriends life" or in your child's life, then.. you shouldn not have slept w/ MM.

On and on and on it goes... and back to the MONEY thing-- like Lynn says, most of these men, mine included, want us so much and always did. They JUST could not handle problems w/the one they loved and took an EASY route. Got burned messing w/fire, though. AND NOW time for MM and OW to go back to their respective lives that neither has any business crossing into again. And if the child suffers, the mother of the child (not my problem, of course, not my obligation) will deal w/the absense of the father, as we did to our children of the M, etc.