It has been weeks since i have posted in here. I had no success with the plan b letter. I contacted my husband eventhough I said I wasn't gonna. I called the home, his new girlfriend answered. She keeps hangin up on me. I am trying to get matters settled with him regarding my car. The house is in the process of being sold, that's been sorta resolved. When I spoke to him yesterday, we both cried, but he told me he couldn't have me back. The only thing that he couldn't deal with was my affair. He said once a cheater always a cheater, but he told me he'd call. At this point I didn't think this woman was there.

Today I called and I am so heartbroken. She's there in my home, among my things, with my husband. She answered my phone. I spoke to my mother in law and she said he's dealing with it the best he knows how, and that at this time he can't be alone. I feel like I"m whining all the time and that you guys get tired of it, I don't know who else to turn to. Please help me.

I cannot move on, I was fine these past weeks that I hadn't spoken to him, I actually thought that I could make it, then I speak to him and I'm back to square one. It is never gonna get better.

eacl,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel like I"m whining all the time and that you guys get tired of it, I don't know who else to turn to </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are turning to the right place to talk about your feelings. Crying, whining, complaining, venting...we've all done this here and understand. It's better to get it out and discuss it rather than to keep it bottled up inside. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am trying to get matters settled with him regarding my car. The house is in the process of being sold, that's been sorta resolved. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why are YOU having to make the efforts to get your car back? Didn't you contact a lawyer? What is your lawyer doing to get your assests from the marriage?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The only thing that he couldn't deal with was my affair. He said once a cheater always a cheater, but he told me he'd call. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well we know that's not really true, don't we. There are many people here that once had an affair that have never been unfaithful again nor have any intention of doing so. However, once an abuser, always an abuser can also be true,,,IF he makes no efforts to change his ways!!

eacl, I know you miss him but you are remembering only the good times. While that's completely normal, try to also recall the abuse you have escaped. Yes, the OW is TEMPORARILY in YOUR house (a house about to be sold) but she is also subject to the abuse you suffered. And yes, it WILL come for her too. He WON'T change until he gets help for his problems.

eacl, its' getting close to Christmas. You are with your family and about to celebrate your precious baby's first Christmas. Try to concentrate on that and on you!! Get busy! Don't allow yourself time to think about him and the past. There's always lots to do around holiday time. If you have too much time on your hands, how about volunteering at a Women's Shelter for abused women? Not only would you be helping others but I'm sure they'd have some resources that might really benefit you!!

Hi eacl,

I understand your pain. I never thought my husband would leave me for another woman. He is with Other Woman now. It is hard to get rid of the emotional attachment, and a lot of people say the wrong things too you. The only thing you can do when you start thinking how unfair and wrong your husband is, start thinking positive thoughts, that you deserve to be treated good. That you deserve to be loved. Then pray and ask your God for strength. Your husband should realize that even though it is not his fault you did what you did, he was doing something wrong which contributed to it. I am going to meetings at a Domestic Violence Crisis Center. It helps so much. So sorry you are going through this pain.

Genia

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are turning to the right place to talk about your feelings. Crying, whining, complaining, venting...we've all done this here and understand. It's better to get it out and discuss it rather than to keep it bottled up inside. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I have done all that, when i think I am going to be okay, I return back to square one. I'm tired of feeling this way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why are YOU having to make the efforts to get your car back? Didn't you contact a lawyer? What is your lawyer doing to get your assests from the marriage? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The lawyers I don't know if they are doing what they are suppose to be doing. They are reallygetting on my nerves. I paid a pretty penny for them to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well we know that's not really true, don't we. There are many people here that once had an affair that have never been unfaithful again nor have any intention of doing so. However, once an abuser, always an abuser can also be true,,,IF he makes no efforts to change his ways!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I gave my husband at the very beginning (when he found out I had an affair, a link to this website) Do you think it's wise to give him the link again?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">eacl, I know you miss him but you are remembering only the good times. While that's completely normal, try to also recall the abuse you have escaped. Yes, the OW is TEMPORARILY in YOUR house (a house about to be sold) but she is also subject to the abuse you suffered. And yes, it WILL come for her too. He WON'T change until he gets help for his problems.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Apparently this woman is studying psychology, or is a psychology major. He says he's helping her bring down the walls he has put up. This makes me feel like a failure because I feel I couldn't do that for him...i couldn't help him. It hurts because when I called, she answered the phone, and she kept hanging up on me. I think she rather enjoyed that.

I do enjoy being with my son, and I will have him enjoy his first Christmas even though I will be thinking about my husbands and I christmas together. It's going to be hard.

I was speaking to his mom the other day. When we were married and before she found out about the affair, she would tell me that she wouldn't blame me if I left him. She knew how he treated me. Now that she found out about the affair she said, "well there were good times, why didn't you think of those?" My son can be a kind man, he's hurt, and having that other girl in his life is the way he can cope with your affair. He's probably one of those persons who can't be alone" I know it's his son, and she's gotta be there for him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Genia:
<strong> Hi eacl,

I understand your pain. I never thought my husband would leave me for another woman. He is with Other Woman now. It is hard to get rid of the emotional attachment, and a lot of people say the wrong things too you. The only thing you can do when you start thinking how unfair and wrong your husband is, start thinking positive thoughts, that you deserve to be treated good. That you deserve to be loved. Then pray and ask your God for strength. Your husband should realize that even though it is not his fault you did what you did, he was doing something wrong which contributed to it. I am going to meetings at a Domestic Violence Crisis Center. It helps so much. So sorry you are going through this pain.

Genia </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Genia, I can hardly imagine being on your side of the fence. I want to get your point of view, what could I do to convince my husband to try to work things out. I am sorry that your husband has left you for that OW. Right now I feel no one will want me, I feel that feeling bad about myself makes me very unattractive, but nothing is going good except for my son. It's hard to feel good about certain things. I can't imagine how you are hanging along....you are a strong person. I don't think I can.

eacl,

I don't feel real strong but I know I got to be as strong as I can for me. I cry, then I catch myself and know that I need to think of positive thoughts about myself, and maybe negative aspects of my husband so I don't think it is the end of the world that I am not with him. Then imagine the negative things about him and how they are also negative to OW your husband is with now. Then smile that she has to deal with those negative things. I know how it hurts but we have to get through this somehow. I have heard that positive personalities attract positive people. I know, I am still attached to my husband a little emotionally, and I personally do not think him and OW will last, but do I want him when she is finished with him?? Wouldn't that be like I was getting her leftovers, or only getting him back because she didn't want him no more, or he didn't want her no more? I don't know. But I do know if I can concentrate on makeing myself the best person I can possible be then I will attract a better person. Forget about your past and all your mistakes. Start with this moment and move forward. Be the best eacl that you can be. I am rooting for you. Don't let your husband get victory over you by wallowing in self defeat. You can do this. Love yourself, and soon others will love you to.

Genia

Eacl,

No one is going to "fix" your H but him and I believe he needs IC. Don't beat yourself over what he tells you about OW. Think about what Genia said, that OW is having to deal with negative side of your H not you. You are free from the fear of him hurting you and your sweet baby. Hold onto your baby and please try to just get your life together. If and when the time comes that your H gets help and is no longer a threat to you, you may be able to get your M together. Please do not put yourself at risk!

I will be keeping you and your baby in my prayers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Genia:
<strong> eacl,

I have heard that positive personalities attract positive people. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I felt that being this negative has made me somewhat unatractive...not in the physcial sense, but like people avoid to see me because Im' dwelling on it. When I spoke to my husband regarding the car, I was so wanting him to take me back. I actually asked him, almost begged. He said no, he wouldn't take me, he was with this woman now. He had made a commitment to her. He said he loved her. In just 2 months. I sound like a broken record. I do think of the negative things so as not to hurt some more.
I still haven't found any professional help. I will as soon as I get some money. I think I need it.

Genia, you have my deepest respect because you are getting through this. You and I are at opposite sides of the situation, yet you are kind enough to give me advice. I feel strong some days, some days I feel no one will want me. Is that how you feel?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithful follower:
<strong> Eacl,

No one is going to "fix" your H but him and I believe he needs IC. Don't beat yourself over what he tells you about OW. Think about what Genia said, that OW is having to deal with negative side of your H not you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Will the negative side of him come out with her? Sometimes I feel that it was me who brought it out. He's assured me she's helped him out. What if it was me, what if all along it was me who made him that way.

His mother helped me to come to this other state when the whole situation unfolded, she said she empathized with me because of the way he treated me. As I spoke to her last week, she seem so cold/and reproaching for what I did. I can understand her, after all it was her son. It was almost as if she was minimizing what he did to me, and that I was such an awful person for doing those things to her son. She wouldn't give me any info on my husbands OW. She said she didn't want to get inbetween. My husband was sending me pics of her on my email, but I cancelled those email accounts. I don't want to see how she looks like, I've already heard her voice and it makes me so sad to hear a woman's voice on my phone that I set up for my own home.

His mother was asking me to send money to pay for the last months mortgage that it was due. I told her I was bearly making enough for me and my son and that the last checks for the month of october went into the account, plus there was money on the savings, plus my husband had some 6k money he had just received. Turns out that the mortgage wasn't even due because it was going to be taken care of after we sold the home.

My husband told me that day when we were talking about my car, that he had set up an account in Guatemala and that he had paid for a years rent on an apartment and he had furnished it. He also paid to bring this woman here and he bought her jewlery, very expensive. She said that I should help set up the selling of the house, that I owed him that much, to help him know what was due on everything. I was the money manager in the house so he had no clue what payments we were doing. When I left, he was left with packing the house, taking care of what was to be paid, and dealing with the affair. Iknow that was too much for him. His mother told me that I should help him through this, to take care of all this, and so I tried, but the OW won't let me speak to him. How can I take care of these things?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Will the negative side of him come out with her? Sometimes I feel that it was me who brought it out. He's assured me she's helped him out. What if it was me, what if all along it was me who made him that way.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Eac,

Please look at your above quote. Do you really feel that you are such a horrible person that you caused your H to be the way he is? No, he is actions are his responsibilites. While having an A was not a good way to deal with it, you are not responsible for the way he treated you. As for your MIL, well mine whom I have always loved dearly said to me during my H's second A "well if I have a new DIL then as long as my son is happy then I don't care" Huh? This was after a convo we had about my H taking OW to see MIL. Anyway, our sitch is quite complicated but you get the point. Your MIL is going to be defending her blood, not you.

Eacl,

I used to post here often but have not been around in awhile. I have a few questions.

What does your H call what he is doing NOW? Sounds like he is having an A if you ask me. This is the preg. section of MB so which one of you is preg? You or his girlfriend? Do you have children together?

His comment about once a cheater always a cheater is his lame way out.

Get a new lawyer. Ask for your money back and get a new atty. If the house is in your name you have every right to be in there, same goes for the car. That women has no right in your home. I would see if there is something that can be done about that too. No way would I take that laying down.

Luv,

Eacl's H is abusive. Eacl is the one who has the OC. I believe that OC is her only child. I agree that she needs a good lawyer to get her through this. I do believe she left with little more than the clothes on her back and her baby. Hope you don't mind my answering for you Eacl. Are you doing ok?

Faithful follower,
You have always given me good advice and I am trying to take it. It' a new way of life for me now and I'm trying to adjust. I am glad you are there for me. I have an old high school friend who is a male. We had a relationship before I was married. He thought we could continue the relationship now that i'm separated. Even though I feel lonely I do not want to fall into the same trap again. I told him I was not interested. I love my husband, and even though we may not go back together, I just need to feel good about myself. I'm doing well some days. AT others I don't think I can make it. I look at my son's smile and that's what keeps me going.

Genia,

Last night before I went to sleep, I prayed to God to give me the strength to have your strength. I prayed to God to give me positive people around me. I said to myself that I deserve someone who respects me and treats me right. I know I have to have respect for myself right now and it's kind of hard for me because I think I have low self esteem. I hate rejection, I hate rejection from all sorts of places. I want people to like me at all costs, maybe that's what's getting me in trouble.

I slept well last night, but in the morning, the last dream I had was awful. I dreamed I went to my in-laws to pick up my stuff. My husbands new girlfriend was there. She answered the door. I was on the outside trying to come in, but she wouldn't let me. Finally my H step-dad answered, he led me to the garage to grab my things, he talked to me coldly, the house was empty with the exception of my things. He was very warm and loving towards my Hs new gf. She kept talking to me as if nothing. My heart was broken, I couldn't stand her being there with what use to be part of my family.

Question for you both...since we are separated, is what my husband is having with this woman also considered an affair? It's a point that the last person commented on. I apologize for forgetting your name...but thank you Faithful Follower for answering...my story is a long one and you summarized it very well, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .... THANK you all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eacl:
<strong> Question for you both...since we are separated, is what my husband is having with this woman also considered an affair? It's a point that the last person commented on. I apologize for forgetting your name...but thank you Faithful Follower for answering...my story is a long one and you summarized it very well, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .... THANK you all. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">eacl,

I say that if you are still M'd, it still makes it adultry! Why, because the M is not ended yet, there are NO papers signed to end the M! What your H is doing is no better than what you have done, just because you are seperated and you live in another state doesn't make it alright. Until there is an actual divorce, you are still legally married! This woman and your H are doing exactly what you did earlier.

On another note, is your H going to just pay CS when the D is final? Has anything been done to prove paternity yet? I would say that you still NEED to have the DNA test done, and then take things from there. I don't think that your H is going to change. To me, it sounds as if he isn't willing to try to fix and rebuild your M, so it would be in your best interest to have the DNA test done so you know where you stand.

And one other thing, you said earlier about you being the one to bring out the negative in your H, well, I don't think that's true. He may not be showing the OW his negative side right now, but if he doesn't deal with his anger and abusiveness, she will get the same that you did! You said she was in school for psychology, right? Well, then she has NO way of knowing what she's getting herself into, except maybe some money by the sounds of it! Trust me, if your H doesn't get the help he needs, then the cycle will come full circle for your H and the OW as well.

I hope that I've been of some help. Keep posting, you aren't sounding repetative, or whiny!

Tigger

eacl,

Unless you live in some odd state, as long as you are married, even if living apart and have no agreement signed it's adultry. He is committing adultry. Hon,use this to your benefit. Tell you atty. and you file under the grounds of adultry and or abuse. As long as you have not had sex with your H after you found out about the A, you have grounds. If he slept with you have he found out about your A, then he can't file against you for A. Having sex or reconciling after you find out about an A is consider "condoning" the A in the Courts eyes and it eliminates any leverage you may have. I am not sure how difficult it would be for you since you have an OC but a good atty. could give you proper legal advice.

I thank Faithful for answering for you. If you H is/was abusive, tell your atty. If you atty. does not take action, please, please find another. From what I have read, this does not seem right. You need to have DNA done for your own sanity. A child born into wedlock is considered the child of the H. So, your H will have to pay CS unless DNA proves otherwise. Hmm. maybe let him pay. OK, sorry just getting angrey.

Trigger gave you some good insight. Unless your H deals with his issues, he won't change and it seems like you and your child would be safer away from him.

Dear, I will keep you in my prayers. I hope you are all right and safe.

Eacl,

Sorry I have not posted lately. I have more in common with you than you think except who had the baby. My husband went to prison for six months. I had a two month affair with a man. When husband got out of prison my husband got me to confess. He immediately had an affair against me. He produced OC with OW. I caught him and made him confess. I felt guilty for what I did and felt I caused him to have the affair against me. Eacl, I have good days and bad days. But it gets better. It has been a month now since my husband left me. I still feel attached to him and a plaque he made me professing his love to me hangs above my door. I have had offers for dates but I am not ready yet. My husband was abusive to me too. Abuse and cheating go hand in hand sometimes. I am starting to let go of him. I do pray that God will make my husband miserable for all the misery he cause me for the last year. Eacl please don't beat yourself up. I do not think you brought out the worst in your husband. Your husband thinks everything is beautiful right now but when the newness wears off things will not seem so wonderful to him. I would not try to be too nice to him. Let him feel reality with OW. He is having a revenge affair against you. He is saying those things to you to hurt you. Eacl love yourself and keep telling yourself you deserve to be loved and respected.

{{{{{{{{Eacl}}}}}}}}}}}}

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Genia:
<strong> Eacl,

He immediately had an affair against me. He produced OC with OW.
{{{{{{{{Eacl}}}}}}}}}}}} </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess we do have a lot in common Genia. My husband is living with this woman and now, she maybe pregnant. I'mma post it as a new post, the news...so that I can see what people can advice.. I am so sad.