Hello all. I joined this site a few years ago while searching the web for advice and info on dealing with the unique situations we all share. I am soo glad I ran across this site. I'd like to post an update and get feedback on my situation. Moreso for my own healing process. Thanks for listening. (Kinda long)

A little history. My hubby and I have been married for over 10yrs and have 3 children. He had an A which resulted in a child. We were physically separated due to his job so the child is overseas. I guess thats a good thing. When he came back we decided to try and work on the marriage. I was prepared however to move on. I just had to try and make it work before I threw in the towel for good.

He tried to keep in contact with the mother for the sake of the child but we could never agree on how. The boundaries in my mind and heart kept being crossed. This caused alot of grief for me. I still hung in there. My fears and anger caused me to lash out at him in ways I never knew I was capable of and I think it might have helped them bond more. Who knows? He'd say one thing and do another. I could never tell with him.

To make a long story short, he still (after 5 years and another child between us) never seemed to decide how this arrangement was going to work out. Then he got orders to go right back to that country. As weird as it might seem, I decided not to go with him although I had the option. Due to his lack of decision making abilities and firmness in dealing with this issue, I decided I didn't want to be there and have to deal with it face to face. I took a BIG gamble. I put my life on hold for years trying to make this marriage work and keep this family together and became resentful. I would have to put school off again for another 3 yrs and decided enough is enough. He'll be back in a yr (already been gone 1 yr). I hope I made the right decision.

I bet you're wondering how I could feel comfortable knowing he'd be going back there and possibly go see her and the child. I had no doubts he would. I actually suggested it. Although his actions resulted in one of the most hurtful things that ever happened in my life (I can only speak for me although I know I'm not the only one hurting) I never, ever denied him the right to bond with his child. If we didnt have to deal with her mom it might be easier for the both of us. I honestly dont trust him only because he's lied so much and will continue to do so if he had to protect himself and keep me happy. A few weeks ago he told me that he saw her and his daughter since he's been there but that its difficult being around her (mother). She is still trying to rekindle something that ended a long time ago. A few days ago he mentioned that he cannot deal with her anymore and that he's come to the conclusion that he will stay away but be there for his daughter when she is ready to have him in her life.

At this point I really don't know what to think or believe. If this is true I'm very happy, because for once I feel like this chapter of our lives is over. On the other hand, could he be lying again to cover up another lie he fears I will find out? I can't continue living like this and if he wants a divorce he knows I'll give it to him so there's no need to lie to me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I'm focusing on school and my 3 children that I am raising alone if even until he gets back. I'm doing great. Less stress from arguing with him over the same crap day in and day out. And although I wonder what he may be doing, it surprisingly doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I've asked for a divorce in the past but he doesn't want to give up. I think subconciosly, I divorced him a long time ago.

Any thoughts? Suggestions? Thanks.

Still hanging in there. I really hope I did the right thing. I asked God and He said, its the right thing for right now.

hmmm this does soudn tricky....

But if you have laredy divorced him in yoru mind long ago...then why not do it really?

What is the point then? It sounds liek you don't wnat to be w/ him anymore either?

What have you learned from this so far?

What problems were you 2 facing if he was an entire country away from OW & OC?

I'm confused.

I don't think separated families are ever a 'good' idea 'just becuase'...it would be different if you were doing it as a plan b or something.


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
kt

Thanks for the reply.

I guess deep down, I did divorce him in my mind. I was afraid to, in reality, because I knew once I did, there would be no going back as far as I was concerned. I also wanted to keep the family together for the children. I'm not doing that now, so so much for that huh?

My dh was very confused in the past. He might still be. I truly believed he wanted me and the kids, but I know he loved the attn the OW was giving him. Having the OC with her I believe was his way of going back to her when I drove him crazy with my emotional moments. He confided in her when we would have problems so even though she was a continent away, it was like she was always right there with us. I wanted her gone in more ways than one.

What have I learned from all this? I learned that he had to come to the conclusions he has on his own. No amount of crying, begging, nagging, on my part could've sped up the process. He resents me now for having separated us. He begged me to come with him but I let him know how uneasy I would've felt there. I'd rather have peace of mind here than a hurtful relationship there.

I hope he now realizes how serious I was about the amount of pain I was going thru. I also hope that in my attempts to do so I don't jeopardize what I tried so hard to save. Only God knows. I believe there is a reason for everything.

OK, so it sounds like their A was never realy 'over'......sounds like he was still continuing in an EA (emotional affair) & if he had been physically able would have continued the PA as well.

There is NO reason a person who is 'committed' to their marriage would continue speaking to another person they had an A w/.

THAT was your guys problem. Too bad you didn't address that aspect earlier. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (or him, I mean)

Sorry it has come to this for you 2.

I don't see how you can possibly work on your marriage @ this point since you are not even physically living together.

Unless, when H does get transferred back again, you rejoin him & start some serious counseling together & then both make the effort to be truly committed to your marriage.


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kt

Michelle, I think you are wise. This sounds like a plan B, with letting H decide, all by himself, to decide what he wants. In the meantime, go back to school. Why rush into a divorce, espescially if you still love him?

This is only my opinion.

ember

Thanks for the input everyone. All points taken.

Although I am not physically with him, I have a sense of well-being that I hadn't felt in a while. The constant bickering and arguing was slowly tearing me down, while working on me and making myself happy is doing wonders.

Does this mean that a divorce is in my future? I don't believe so. We definitely need counselling. I will get some on my own even if he doesn't join me.

I also believe he wants this marriae to work, but at times, like most men, he gets too comfortable in it and takes advantage of the idea of me always being around. Going thru this lets us bith know that if need be, I can make it on my own, even with three children. It makes me feel great, and gives him alot to think about.

Something I find myself saying daily: I don't know if this will last forever, but I know it won't end today.

Keep us in your prayers, as I will do the same for all those working on trying to be happy.

Hello Michelle,

I think u were right to put let him come to his own decisions....no amount of begging, nagging, and pleading, as u said is going to change him...he has to want to change...he has to want to make the marriage work.

Keep your head up...I look at it as u have basically put it all in Gods hands. Take care of yourself, so u can be the best mom to your children, and a better person for yourself, and hopefully your marriage if it survives. You can not have a better marriage without first dealing with your own issues yourself. Hey, just my opinion ....take care.