I just found out Saturday night that affair that has been going on for a month has just gotten more complicated. My husband told me the other women is going to have his child. I have no Idea what to do. I was willing to forgive before, but I don't know if I can deal with it now. Because of reasons fron his childhood I know I will be put on the back burner to this child. Sorry for the lack of details, but I am at work and my mind is not working well this morning. You can read my other post if you would like to know my story. The first one I acidentially put in the resolving conflict topic (oopps! This is all still pretty new to me) I am having a really hard time coping. Any advice would be great!

Brandy,

Welcome to the this forum. You're right, a bad situation has just gotten more complicated. I'm so sorry for your pain. There are many ladies here however, who have navigated successfully through these rough waters and will share their feelings and give you hope about recovering your marriage...even under these circumstances. Let me ask you this....is your husband willing to end contact with the other woman? He can have a relationship with the child, without having more than a co-parent relationship with the other woman. I know this is new to you, but have you had time to consider whether you are able to accept contact with this child in your marriage? Do you have other children?

When I talked to him yesterday one of the things i mentioned was that if I did stay that she would have to be out of the picture. The only contact would be that of a co parent. I don't know if he took it wrong or if he is not willing to let her go. He said she will always be the mother of my child.

We do not have any children together. We have only been married for 6 months. I have not had time to figure out if I can accept this child. I And I have told him that. Right now I don't think my mind is clear enough to deal with that question rationally.

He told me before he found out about the pregnancy he was leaning in the direction of staying with me. I don't know if I can hang my hopes on that or not. Yesterday was the first time he has shown any remores or affection towards me. I think he realizes what he has to lose. He has been very patient with me and has willingly delt with my tears. For the first time he has cried in front of me.

He says that that the OW doen't want to do it alone. She is in the prosses of getting a divorce and has a 4 year old. She is worried about what will happen when My husband is transferd for his job (it could happen any time now). There is a possibliity that this child could be her husbands. Very slim, but still a possibility.

I am planning on going to my parents house for the next two days. I need some time to think and let him have some time without having to wipe my tears away everythime I am with him.

The thought that keeps going through my head is that I love him so much and saying goodbye will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I told him that he needs to decide what he wants first, her or me. And If it is me than I will have to make the decison if I can accept this child.

Brandy,

Why do you feel badly that he has to "deal" with your tears??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> You didn't create this...he did...and your devastation is a consequence of that...one I believe that he needs to see/feel and understand. And you're right "leaning" towards you is not nearly going to be strong enough to survive this...he is going to have to be decisive, otherwise the amount of pain in your future is going to be overwhelming. I HIGHLY suggest DNA testing to establish parentage! Don't settle for anything less. She many NOT be the mother of his child...and there's only one way to know for sure. You are going to have to be strong enough to act in your own best interest because comments like the "OW doesn't want to do this alone" are not very encouraging. Six months is extremely early to be having these kinds of problems....are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? This wishy washy stuff....will tear you apart.

I have told him that as soon as this child is born DNA testing needs to be done. I also believe that I need to see test results that prove that she is actually preganant and how far she is along. My understanding is that they have only slept together twice and she has just moved out of her husbands house less than a month ago.

My husband and I have been with each other for 7 1/2 years. The last year has been rough on me. I have moved away from my family for the first time (we are very close),gotten my first real job since college that I can't stand, we both work terrible schedules, and not knowing when he will be transfered. I know that that is more than likely why all of this has happened, but he will not tell me what is wrong with us. Until Saturday I was sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Now I don't know if I am strong enough to let him go or stay.

I have told him that as soon as this child is born DNA testing needs to be done. I also believe that I need to see test results that prove that she is actually preganant and how far she is along. My understanding is that they have only slept together twice and she has just moved out of her husbands house less than a month ago.
Brandy,

My husband and I have been with each other for 7 1/2 years. The last year has been rough on me. I have moved away from my family for the first time (we are very close),gotten my first real job since college that I can't stand, we both work terrible schedules, and not knowing when he will be transfered. I know that that is more than likely why all of this has happened, but he will not tell me what is wrong with us.

This is why your marriage was vulnerable to an affair...but it is not why the affair occurred. It occurred because your husband through selfishness or weakness of character had the opportunity and decided to do it. You are both responsible for the state of your marriage...but he is 100% responsible for the affair. So please, do not make excuses for him...many people go through rough horrible times in their marriages and don't chose to cheat....and certainly don't father OC.

But let's talk about the ABCs of infidelity...the basics, because it seems that when an OC shows up, it's so overwhelming that folks focus on that and forget the steps needed to end the affair and address the marriage.

What do you know about Plan A? Plan A is the first line of defense to end affairs. It consists of four parts which should be done simultaneously.

Stop Love Busting

Fill needs you are comfortable filling

Confront: Tell him how you feel making statements in this form that are about you "I feel _________when__________.

Exposure: Who knows about this affair? Does the other husband know? Do H's parent's know? His siblings?

All of these steps are logic....not intuition based and there is information all over this website about how and why they work. Please be sure that you understand the concepts and understand the parts of this program. Your marriage can't heal until the affair ends. It is POSSIBLE to end the affair and deal with the complexities of an OC without losing your marriage....but you are going to have be strong Brandy.

My most fervent advice to you is to get a good marriage MB-trained coach like Steve Harley, Jennifer Chalmers or Penny Tupy over at saveyourmarriagecentral.

sending hugs and prayers your way!!!

I have read a lot of the info. on this site and was willing to give plan A a go ( and I think I still am). I have aksed for him to stop all contact with her and he doesn't seem willing. I have tried to talk about the situation calmly, but when he won't talk about it at all I get really frustrated. i have asked to go to marriage councling. He is unwilling to do that. I think I need to start some councling on my own.

My best friend knows about it (I needed some one to talk to) and I have cracked and told my mom. He has told his mom what is goin, on, and I think his brother knows something is going on because he was at our house on thanksgiving night when she called and I got really upset. This boss is going to find out soon because OW is not going to say the child is her soon to be ex husbands.

I have taken days off work several times to spen time with hhim away from this. The 1st he went fishing (after I asked to do something) and the 2nd we ended up fighting. Yesterday was the 1st day that we have spent a whole day together with out her calling his cell. I made him leave his phone at home. We did have to talk about the situation though. I tried really hard and didn't say anthing hurtful and tried to be as calm as I could. I can never garuntee no tears though.

Am I on the right track? I know that I have to change and so does he if we are going to try to make this work. Thank you so much for your support.

Brandy,

I have not posted to this site in a very long time but read your story and wanted to respond.

First, too bad if she does not want to do it alone. She should not have gotten preg. then.

Second and more important. If she is married then the child is automatically considered the husbands child. Does her husband know about the A? If she remains married then DNA may never have to be done unless your H really want's to know the truth. If he does not and her M survives, your H is off the hook for CS, etc.

I am so sorry that you are here. This is such a difficult situation and for me it never seems to get easier. I still battle with the question can I do this for the rest of my life.
Good luck my dear.

I have said the same thing about her doing ot alone. She and her husband are getting a divorce (my understanding is that it was underway before this happened). She would have had to do it alone with a 4 yr. old, waht is the difference now? She says that she has not slept with her husband for some time but I find this little situation a little too convient for her. I have tried to tell Dave that she is just trying to make herself feel better about her life and that he got caught up in her web. She says things like "I feel safe when I am with you to him" to him. Comments like that put up red flags to me. Am I right in thinking that? I think he felt sorry for her and that was all she wrote.

I was told that her husband does know about what happened, but I am not sure (mainly because my husband hasn't gotten the tar beat out of him). I have wanted to contact him and find out but am not sure if I should. I told Dave that the husband needs to know about the pregnancy. Should I contact him with this info?

Thank you for you support and concern. This site has been the one thing that has calmed me down today and cleared my head a bit.

Brandy,

Not sure about telling the her H. I want to say yes but I am not sure if that is great advice or not. Perhaps others will have an opinion. I do think he needs to know becuase if it's his he will have a whole other ball game to consider during the D. I am just not sure if it should be you to tell him or if he will even believe you. Let me ponder this a bit more.

One more thing that I think needs to be said about my husband. He is the oldest of 6 children (sets of 2 all different fathers). He and his brother were kind of left out in the cold by their dad. Has a lot of problems with this and swares up and down that he will not be tlike his father. when I first found out about the A I asked what would happened it she got pregnant (25 & 30 yr olds shoulld know what causes that!) He got really defensive and said that he will not be like his dad and will be there for the child. This is why I know that we could never have no contact with the child. I just need him to realize that he can have only co-parent contact with her. i just don't know how to get him to see that.

Hopfully this shines a little more light on the situation. I will be leaving town for a few dys and wont't have a computer. So I will be cak on Thursday.

Thanks again everyone!!

Brandy,

The other WS is the FIRST to be contacted during exposure. It's very important he knows...afterall, there is a chance this child could be his. He may decide he doesn't want a divorce under those circumstances. He holds important information that may help you to decide the likelihood that this is your husband's child or not.

HI Brandy,

I really and truely do understand you because I'm going through the exact same thing. The time, how many times they sleep together, they both work together, we don't have kids, and that we both still continue to love them they even thought they have hurt us so much. I also don't know what to do, I love him, and till now he had been so good to me. so I do understand.

Butterfly,

Sorry to hear that you are in the same hell as I am, but it is nice to know that someone know exactly where I am coming from. I wish i could give you some advice, but I can't. That is why I am here.

Does your husband act like a moonstruck teenager? I have tried to tell mine it is lust, but i don't think he hears me.

Hang in there and remember most women are stronger than they think!

Starfish,

Do you think I should give the OW time to tell her H about the baby or do I need to get on the phone right now and call him? I talked to my H last night before I left to my parents and told him that her H needs to know. He said he is going to tell him. I don't want to stir the pot.

I had a disturbing thought last night during my 2 hr. drive. What if he tells Ow that he wants to stay with me and she says she won't let him see the child if he does. I wouldn't put it past her to play that card. If she knows him as well as she thinks that just might work. Any advice on that one?

Everything that I have read on this site and all the post say That I souldn't make a decision this soon. But if he can't choose between me and her before the baby where am I going to be when it gets here?. I talked with him on the phone last night to get more info. He said she went to the Dr. for tests yesterday morning. She won't have an abortion or consider adoption. He will not even consider NC. He is not seeing the facts that are staring him right in the face. I am hoping we find out that she is more then 6 wks. Because then it is not his. But if it isn't his don't know if he would even stay with me then. He said that I was the one just giving up. How can he say that when he is not even willing to go to councling with me? I am not asking him to cut his leg off.

I just want this all to end as soon as possible. I am tired of not feeling well and crying and trying to get him to talk to me. I am so scared that if I leave she is going to move right in my house and take my spot. He says that we won't marry her, but I think that is what she wants. She will be right there to pick up the pieces when I leave. Who will be there to put me back together? I keep wishing that she would have a miscarage, slip on the ice something. Those are therrible thoughts I know. I told my H that their boss needs to know about this soon. I don't know what it will solve. Maybe it will get H transfered.

I hope that I am strong enough to let him go, but I don't know if I am. I want to get on the phone right noe and say that I am so sorry for trying to get him to talk last night, but I know that I haven't done anything wrong. All I want are answers. I am tired of beating my head on this brick wall.

Brandy,

I'm so sorry for you and for me. How can all this mess had happen in the first place? It sucks, huh? I too some times think those ugly thoughts about the ow falling or something. If only that can bring back everything the way it was, but even then it will never be the same. Our marriages will either get stronger thru all this problems or just completely fall apart. I think that is really up to us, we can't let some wh***s break our marriages we need to fight if we want our marriages to work. Be strong and get ready for a battle that only you can win. Never say you can not do it because if you stop fighting is because you choose to.

You are right. This is my fight and I will not go down without a fight! I have called a counseler and and will be starting the week after Xmas. I told him that I am going and I would really like it if he would go too. I said that I would not force him to go and would not bring it up again. I know that by going it won't solve my problems (only I can do that) but I think it will help me to understand what is going throught my head.

Right now I am trying to work up the the nerve to call OW's H. I asked my H yesterday if she has said anything to the man yet. H said she has some custody paper she need signed or something and is waiting. I am tired of plying this game on their schedule. I also aked if OW has gotten a blood test. H said he has no idea. He won't push her to do it. I am still hoping to find out that she is more than 6 wks. He still talkes to her everyday. But he doesn't go out to his truck @ night and talk to her on his cell. He spend his nights with me but refuses to talk about it. I wish he would quit running away fron his problems and talk to me honestly.

If she is seeing a doctor they will make her have a blood test. Plus they can basically tell from certain things they do. It's automatic to have a blood test done when you see a doctor for being pregnant. Not just the pee test. It's part of there work up to see where your at and all.