When I found out that my husband had an affair I was crush. I was in complete shock I could not believe it, he was so good to me and love me so much. We been married for 3 years and have no children and we are both 22 yrs. Is been almost a month since it happen, and we tryed to work it out he was really sorry, but then he told me she was pregnant. I thought that she was just playing a game by saying that mayde she was pregnant, but it's true they went to the doctor and it come out possitive. Now I don't Know what to do, he's pretty sure is his and he actually want's to keep the baby. We both did not want to have children right now, since we feel we were to young, but now he wants to take keep the baby and be a single parent or be with me and we can take care of this baby. He told me to take my time that is a very hard decision, he says that he'll wait for me to make up my mind. I don't know what to do I really love this man and he really wants to be with me, but I'm not ready to be a mother.

Help!!! he wants to keep it.

Because you have only been married a relatively short time, and you have no children of the marriage ... think long and hard about this...

Do you want to co-parent this OC?

If you do not ... file for divorce, and follow through.

It really is that cut and dried.

YOUR choice is simple.

1. Stay married and be a step-mother who is forever connected to H and OC (and possible OW).

or

2. Divorce and live your life separated from this situation.

The choice is simple ... but not without some sacrifice on your part.

You need to know who you are and what your limits are.

Best wishes.

Pep

Just at few questions. How long ago was the affair, when is the OC due, are you living together or are you seperated.

I agree w/ Pep, I mean we all had the same choice to make do we stay or do we get a divorce. Pretty much cut and dry. You will have to search yourself to find out what is benst for you!

How do you feel about your M and how important is it to you?
Here is our welcome thread I would like you to read some of the materials there. We have all been where you are. Some have done C and stopped some are doing great w/ it and some do N/C. It boils down to what we best for US and our family. Its tough anyway you cut or do it! But I do belive that everything happens for a reason and what you make of it, well that makes you. You can either grow, and learn from it, or not. Keep posting, keep reading, and get as much imformation as you can. Find a IC or MC you CANT go this alone.
Welcome

To me it seems your H is leaving all this up to you. Its like I screwed up and this is what has happened and now you can either deal w/it or leave. He has to be remorseful for the A! If hes not, then I would really consider Plan B.
Please read on some of this also.
Angel fire


But I am not you and dont know your complete situation. What worked in mine, may not be good for you. KWIM. We are here for you, and hopefully we can ease your greif and pain.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Butterfly,

What you say sounds so much likr mine that it made me cry when I read it. I agree with what the others say. You need to decide what you can live with. Like you I am young (25 next month) and right now I think The end of my world is near. It took this to open my husband Eyes to the fact that he might lose me and how much he has hurt me. But I really think I want to make it work with him. The only thing standing in the way is this child. Can I live with the consant reminder? I don't know, and you have to ask yourself the same question. It is not a easy on either. But rememenber the child is the only innocent one in the awful situation. It didn't ask to be here.

Best of luck!

Hi butterfly, first off I am really sorry what your going through. I've partially been there before, only I've never been married. My childsfather was cheating on me with this girl and eventually she got pregnant. For some reason I wasn't exactly heatbroken because I had already been hurt so much by him that after awhile I started to become numb to it all, but I did tell him that if the girl was to have the baby, him and I were through. She ended up having an abortion and I'm not going to lie, I was relieved. Anyhow, your young, your my age and now that I have let go of my ex I am so much happier, and I am so grateful all this happened to me young so I have the rest of my life to know what to look for and if it happens again I am stronger and know how to cope. I'm not saying to give up on your marriage, but he has already shown you what kind of man he is. You have no kids, and you still have the rest of your life ahead of you. If I wanted to I could go back with my ex, he would marry me tommorow if I said let's do it, but I know in my heart he will betray me again, I don't want to wake up a 40 yr old woman and realize I spent the past 20 yrs not trusting my husband and not living my life to it's fullest. Food for thought.

Thank all of you for your help.

sunny- for me my marriage was everything, I have been with my husband since we were 16 yrs old. We have basically wrong up together, we were each others first, and we have experirence a lot together, he was my bestfriend, he has always been there for me, and he made me feel that I was everything for him too. Anyway he made a mistake that has cost us pain, he does not blame me for anything he takes full responsibility for what he did, and now he's just waiting for my answer. He said that he will do anything to try to make it work, and yes we are still living together right now, he moved out the same day that I found out about the affair, then move back in. I founded out a couple a days after the affair had happen, but they had been talking on the phone for a week before that. He's in the Army and they work together, so right now she's about 5 weeks pregnant. All of this has happen with in less than a month and half.

Brandy- is so nice to read your respond as we both have acknowledge that our cases are very similiar. I also feel the same way that
the only thing standing between me and my husband is the baby. I feel like we both want to be with each other but a huge hall is standing firm right in the middle of us. I to feel that is not the baby's fault at all, like you said this is an innocent baby that did not ask to be in the middle of this mess. The only person I do mind is the OW, I told my husband that if he wants to make things work he has to take full custody of the baby (since he want to keep anyway) and she can't even live in the same state as we do, she has to be as far as possible I don't want her around at all I don't even want to see her face. His getting out of the Army in the summer so we are moving back to texas (our home state). This woman knew he was married and did not care and the worst thing is that she all ready has a 6 month year old baby and instead of taking care of her baby she was out trying to get my man. What kind of woman is she? I don't understand how can a married man be more important to her than her own baby? I know because I found a couple of notes that she send to him and she's all up on him. This is why he wants to keep the baby because he says she's not responsible. Well at least that's what he tells me. But anyway I still don't know what to do I know I want to be with him, but not sure about being a mother.

HI butterfly i understand how upset you are but I WAS WONDERING if you and your H were shure this women will give up the baby or even if she would try to use the baby to split up you and your H ALSO have you asked him if he would still move back home in the summer if he dosent get custidy or will he want to stay there to see his baby???

Your story seems so close to home. Especially knowing your spouse is in the service as well. My situation is somewhat similar to yours. We've been married for four years. Last year when we were stationed over seas I found out that my husband had an affair. Actually what I found out was that he had a one year old son. To say this year has been easy would be an absoulute lie. But I wanted to encourage you that it is possible. I see that you guys want to keep the baby. Thats great but he or she will always be a constant reminder of what happened. We went to visit my stepson a few weeks ago. At times I would just have to leave the house and get some alone time becasue just seeing him and knowing my husband had concieved this child w/ another woman especially since we don't have any was too much emotionally to handle. For this past year from the moment I found out my only focus was on the child and making sure he was provided for and taken care of. I don't think I was even able to start really dealing with the affiar until recently. I'd love to chat w/ you It's really great to know I'm not alone. Feel free to email me at cali_smile99@yahoo.com. I'd love to hear from you.

Jamie- I know that this woman will in fact try to use the baby to make things worst, she's all ready trying, but my husband has made it clear to her not to do that. So I think for now is clear for her, and about the custody of the baby, no she does not want to give up the baby but my husband is willing to fight for it. The only reason she wants to keep the baby, is of course, so she can have him around. She did not want another baby, she all ready has a 6 month old, so she only wants to cause trouble. I don't know for sure if he does not get custody if he'll move back to texas.

Now another thing is that I'm all ready moving back to Texas in two weeks, and his staying over here by himself. We both think is the best idea since I wont have to put up with all the baby's drama thing. Do you girls think that's the best thing to do? Also I feel since I'll be away from all of this mess, I'll be able to think more clearly and make a better decision and mayde it'll be easier for me to let him go. I don't Know? I don't want to let him go, but this is something hard to deal with. My husband was thiking that we should be together even though, I'm in Texas (by the way the moving to Texas early was plan before all of this mess)and like that he can deal with all this mess with out putting me in more stress. What do you girls think?

I'm not sure what anyone else is thinking but personally I don't think it would be a good idea to move. I understand that you need time away to think and gather your thoughts and cleanse your heart and mind. However that woman is still where you guys are correct. I think you might be setting youself up for additional heart ache and pain by leaving to Texas now.

You need to think long and hard about this...First of all, she is early in her PG..anything can happen...a miscarriage for one...also you are young....you have no children...do you really want to raise another woman's child? Because whether you like it or not, she will always be there! It is highly unlikely your H will get full custody...the courts usually do what is in the best interest of the CHILD, which is keep it with it's mother...you would have to prove she is an unfit mother...

Now, you moving back to Texas early?? BAD IDEA! The truth be told, your H will be in the arms of the OW as fast as he can...It is hard to hear and swallow, but it is a known fact...hopefully I am wrong...but I have seen time and time again...You should stay put...you have control over the situation...

Yes, the baby is an innocent product in all this...a product of an AFFAIR! An Affair that should not have happened! The baby will be affected either way...Believe me, I am going thru this right now...I have three boys of my own...I have gone from accepting the child but not the OW, to not accepting the child, etc...the OW will be in the picture no matter what...I cannot deal with that...I can deal with the child...but I am now coming to the conclusion that my H has created this huge mess, and I dont have to deal with it...

Ok, going back in my shell now!

Butterfly,
The more I hear your story the more I think I am listening to myself! My H was my bestfriend, and he was always the one there for me. It hurts just as much knowing that I am losing my brstfriend as the A. The only difference is that my H is not begging me to stay.

I keep going back and forth with myself about being able to accept the OC. Right now I don't think I can. I am not really willing to raise somone elses child before I raise my own. You have to be stonge and it hurts like hell but you have to do.

I agree with the othres. Don't go back to Texas. He will go right to the OW. That is what has kept me from kicking my H out of the house. I wish you all the luck and hang in there.

I agree with momto3boys. Either way your going to have to deal with this ow. The courts will only give you full custody if she is proven unfit. Trust me when I got pregnant that the furthest thing I wanted either. Although my kids were 5 at the time I was looking forward to one last year of full time daycare and my life was going in a good direction work wise. I had worked hard on a lot of things in my life and the last thing I thought of having was a baby. In fact I flat out did not want anymore ever...(I was also 40). Well I got pregnant and although it was shock and devasting at first I knew it was something I had to do. I knew from the moment I took the test I'd be raising my child by myself too. If we had contact the most he would get is joint custody. That means we'd all be in each others life. So I'm just saying you may want to think long and hard about choices your making. I'd also wait until your head is CLEAR until you move away from your husband. If you choose to at that point.

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 08:27 AM: Message edited by: needtomoveon ]</small>

DO NOT MOVE AWAY FROM YOUR H!!!!!!!

It would be a very bad idea, and it won't be as easy as you both may think to rebuild your M in that way! You need to show a untied front to the OW from the beginning! If you move away, that leaves a void where the OW may try even harder to work her way back into your lives.

Just my opinion.

Tigger

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 10:52 AM: Message edited by: jamieb706 ]</small>

NO!!! DONT LEAVE UNLESS YOUR SHURE YOU WANT A D HE WENT TO HER ONCE WHILE YOU WERE THEIR AND WITH THIS OW PREGNENT THIRS NO TELLING HOW FAR SHE WILL GO TO KEEP HIM the oc isent her yet while you and your H still have the time try to work on you problem the other women dosent have to be in the picture right now he can tell her to call when the baby is born he dosent have to be oblagated to her now

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 10:49 AM: Message edited by: jamieb706 ]</small>

butterflymari,

I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this. Everything is so recent and your emotions are still high. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I met my xH when I was 17 and always thought of him as my best friend. Not anymore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm one month away from a year and sometimes I still feel that it was yesterday when I found out about the A and OW and still yesterday when I found out about OC. And I still don't know where I'm going with all this mess. I had the option to go back home when I found about the A in 01/04 and I didn't. I don't regret it. I know I would have gone crazy thinking about the 'what ifs'. Only you know how far you'll go with your marriage or not.

For me, my opinion, is not about whether to accept or no OC. I did. Now, OW does not want his son around me and I definitely don't want my daughter around her.
xH is living alone while he goes to IC and makes a decision of what he wants to do with his life and with us.
I'm trying not putting my life on hold for him and I'm doing Plan B after a lot of talking, crying, and hurting.

No matter what happens, OW will always be there. The temptation will always be there. Can you live with that?
Please don't make any decisions now, take your time ... take all the time you need ...
(((hugs and prayers for you)))

Hi girls you're awesome. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Well I told my husband last night that I was thinking of staying, and he said that was okay, however; he gave me a "but". He told me that because of all this mess, is still not under control, that I would be stressing out more, and he thinks that mayde I should take a brake. We talk about me going to Texas for the holidays only, instead of me moving there. He also told me that if I stayed I will be trying to take control over the problem and telling him what to do (about how to deal with her), and that I'll be asking things she said and try to talk about what's going on with the baby every day.
Question for you girls, I know I have been all up his business. I ask him about the things they talk about if they talk and I read his text messages(he knows about it) it bothers him, but he still lets me do it. Is true, that I bring up the oc almost every day, I'm curious about it and I want to see his answer, also I want to see if his trying to talk to her meaning if he wants to be with her. He says that he wants nothing to do with her, and that he's only talking to her because of the baby. I also know that this girl is all ready given him a hard time telling him things like, I wont have the baby and telling him that she's having problems with the pregnancy (which is why my h wants to go to the doctor's appointments with her, he doesn't belive things she tells him). Last night I heard him telling her, "do what ever you want I don't care". Well anyway I know he's also stress out about all this mess. My question is should I step back a little bit and just let him deal with it?

What I dont under stand is if he wants to make things right w/ you why shuldent he be willing to be complety honest and open W/ all your Q;S the OW and the OC effect your life as much as his (ifyou stay w/ him .And if she is not up to something she can request that any info relateing to the OC health and well being be released to your husband he dosent realy have to go to the doc, w/ her!!Be strong dont let your self get hurt any mor than you already have adn if you have ever herd the saying DONT TRUST ITHER ONE OF THEM AS FAR AS YOU COULD THROW THEM!!! RUN TO mc ASAP <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />