xH called to let me know that he was in the hospital last night. He thought he was having a heart attack but the doctor told him he was having an 'stress attack' ...
His debts are piling up, OW keeps calling at all times and I've gone dark with plan B. Well, kind of gray since I'm just talking to him about DD when he comes to visit her ...

Should I call him to let him know that I'm concerned? that I care for what happens to him?
I don't doubt that he was in the hospital ... but after all the things that had happened, I can't help but think that he might be trying to soften me??? The lease to his apartment expires in December 31. I don't want to take him back if we are not ready, just because he does not have a place to go or money to pay for a place to live ...


Here is a link to my latest post ... The end ... last night

I would really appreciate comments on this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Mily~

Don't call him back. He made you aware of what was happening. I'm sure you displayed your concern in the phone conversation. If you're in a true Plan B, nothing more is required. In fact, if he's to honor your Plan B, he shouldn't have called you in the first place, knowing he was fine.

Did you ever write him a Plan B letter so that he knows the boundries? What it will take in order to even begin talking reconcilliation? Is there a way you can arrange p/u and d/o of your DD with a 3rd party. Gray isn't dark.

I wish you peace in your life.

~ad

Yes, I did write him a Plan B letter with all the conditions for reconcilliation. Go to counseling (he's doing that) ... NC with OW, make everything legal with OC, work on our R slowly ...

DD has been sick and he called to know how she was doing, then told me about what happened. I didn't say anything to him. Not even an 'I'm sorry' ...
Then I felt bad because I didn't say anything to him ... I feel like I'm a mess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> when it comes to him ...

No, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ... I don't have 3rd party ... and I don't want him taking DD with OW ... but I know that it has not been any good having him coming home to see DD. When he comes in, I just leave to do errands and other stuff ...

Mily,

I swear if they don;t always play the sick card or on their death bed card! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Don't fall for that mess! Something is up? It might be that he wants you to take him back. I know the feeling my H is pulling the same crap with me right now. I don't think that he even realizes that I've heard all of this before and seen all the crap and am just not buying into it.

I have decided to allow my kids to have a beautiful Christmas with their father, family in tact and then its SEE YA!!! No more game playing. He is out and out for good.

Do they even realize the agony that they put us through or do they just play like it's okay to hurt people.

Mily, you're out of the marriage it's time to set your boundaries and stick to them not matter what or he will never respect you or treat you any differently. He won't because as of now he doesn't have to!!

Talk to you later,

JT

DO NOT CALL HIM. He had an anxiety attack? GOOD. I bet you have had some anxiety attacks yourself huh? And did he come running to your aid?

STAY STRONG. He wants to come home. Well, if you have clearly stated needs/wants that need to be taken care of, stick with them. He knows what you need/want. If you have any contact with him, maybe a reminder of what those conditions are might be appropriate. Protect yourself.

Anxiety.......as if no BW has ever suffered an attack due to the mess created. GEEEEESHHH

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should I call him to let him know that I'm concerned? that I care for what happens to him?
I don't doubt that he was in the hospital ... but after all the things that had happened, I can't help but think that he might be trying to soften me??? The lease to his apartment expires in December 31. I don't want to take him back if we are not ready, just because he does not have a place to go or money to pay for a place to live .</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mily, my mother has a great saying that I will translate for you..."Feeling sorry is the brother to F' yourself"...So don't...Somehow many think that playing on our heartstrings is the way back. Usually it works, but in a situation like this? Oh no, no, no!! His stress is his to own. He got in it let him get out of it. Plain and simple. Say a prayer for him, asking God to take care of him and that is all!

After DD I sent my hubby packing. I figured this will be the oppty for him to go and be with OW and for me to finally get my life started. He didnt move in with her. Instead he rented a room, a roach infested room. Then would call and tell me how horrible it is for him to live under those conditions. I recommended the nearest hardware store where I was sure had all he needed to clean out his room... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He had no one to blame but himself!

Mily,

I havent read for a while.. and let me say how PROUD I am that you have TAKEN HOLD of your situation !! And even if you feel you are not strong--- YOU SURE ARE PLAYING THE PART LIKE A CHAMP! Horray for you to put your foot down.

YES they ALL PLAY THIS SYMPATHY card.... He needs to feel YOUR LACK OF PRESENCE in your life.. it needs to set in and set in HARD. I think it is starting for him. Do NOT TAKE ANY STEPS back... those steps back will get YOU back to ZERO and you cannot afford that!!!

Keep on.... don't look back... and if you do not look back.. LOOK FORWARD to the future with an unfoggy husband who KNOWS you are not his little doormat... look forward to LIFE...

Hugs sweetie!!!

Thanks for your responses ...

I did not call him ...
but I don't think I'm doing a good plan B either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...
I don't know if it is the holiday blues or me looking for excuses ... I'll go dark, really dark on January 1st ... I'll try my best to do it ... right now, I can't ... I feel too alone ... no, I haven't done anything to go back ... but when he comes to visit DD, he talks to me like nothing, like we are the bestest friends ...
I know, everytime I let my guard down, he hurts me ... he's not living with OW ... I don't understand what type of relationship he has with her ...I'm not asking and I don't want to know, I just don't understand ... except for his clothes, he still has all his stuff at the apt ... I can't find a way to tell him to take them out ... I keep waiting for him to react ... but then I see his cell phone calls and they are still talking all the time ... it drives me crazy ... and makes me sad ...
sorry for the bable ...

You're all right, he needs to hit rock bottom, really hard to at least have an idea of how I've felt during this year ... and then I start thinking, it's going to be a year pretty soon since I confronted him with the A ... and sometimes I feel that I've been moving in circles ... very short circles ...

SaphireBlueUs2 - you made me smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ... that's what my mom says too "bendito es hermano de jode$%" ... talking about my mom, she thought it was funny that he had an anxiety attack ... about time things are starting to get to him, she said ... she also told me not to be so hard on myself, 'if you have to talk to him, you have to talk to him, do the best you can ...'

Well, if you talk to him, thats your choice.

But look over your shoulder, lady, cause I'm gona get you! hahahahahahaha

JUST A LIL FUNNY!

Oh I know how SOOOO VERY hard it is to cut them off cold turkey- nearly impossible- BUT yes, as your mother said-- do the best you can!!! Any progress is progress at this point, after a long time without any.

The DARN cell phones.. ahhhhh they should all be thrown into the bottom of the ocean, shouldnt
they?? Its like a catch 22- you want them to have the cell so that YOU can call--but then-- they have the open line to the "other" calls...

I smashed my H's phone into pieces more than once. When he was still hiding things- it was SOOO much struggle with that phone and the secrecy involved-- NOW- NO CELL PHONES in our home, whatsoever! Sucks for me, but oh well. Sometimes I just hear a phone with the identical ring he used to have- and I get chills up my spine.

xoxoxo Mily, hang in there !

hey ... no problem ... if I know you're going to be behind my shoulder ... just don't push me to hard <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

no, seriously, I just think I feel a little depressed with the holidays and everything ... I haven't done any decoration, not even shopping ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
not that I'm a big spender <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> but I can't find the Xmas spirit anywhere!

It will be the first time in 12 years that we do not spend the holidays together ... hopefully 2005 will be better ... I'll make it better ...
12 days and counting and it's good bye 2004 take all your crap with you!!!!!

Mily,

Hang in there. I know it is hard on you due to the holidays and all, but hang in there.

I too have decided to give my kids there last family holiday by allowing my H to be apart of our family activities. I don't see this as a step backwards because I am over it. I have decided to live for me and my kids. I also realize that he is still their father and because they are so young and in my custody; I want them to have some sort of bond with him. It doesn't hurt that that means he'll be with his family and not OW/OC for the holidays either (oops am I smiling - laughing my a$$ off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )!

You just have to pick your battles and I have come to realize that in order to be blessed I still must do what is right. So my children will have a great holiday season and I will continue with my divorce afterwards.

I am not confused by any means so that makes it a little easier for me I think. It doesn't mean that you don't still get angry about the whole bit, but hey that is something I must learn to live with.

Mily, Don't let your lonliness get in the way of what you need to do for you. He will take advantage of it I promise you. You give an inch and they'll take a mile! If you truly know that it won't effect you I say go for it, but truthfully I think you are not ready! You are not ready to be that close to him right now - you will cave in completely. So in essence you are putting off the ineviteable. Be careful - be very careful. You are wearing your heart on your coat sleeves.

Take care of you and yours and let GOD do the rest!!


JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good to see you g123

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SaphireBlueUs2 - you made me smile ... that's what my mom says too "bendito es hermano de jode$%" ... talking about my mom, she thought it was funny that he had an anxiety attack ... about time things are starting to get to him, she said ... she also told me not to be so hard on myself, 'if you have to talk to him, you have to talk to him, do the best you can ...' </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey did I? Awesome then I have done my deed for the day! Woo hoo!!

Glad to see your mom says it too LOL! What about this one? "En mal tiempo, buena cara"? "In bad times, good face"...This my friend is what got me through the rough spots. When I was at my lowest I did everything I could to look my best! I always wore a perfume that made me feel pretty and special. Took the time in the morning to put on makeup and wear the clothes that made me feel sexy and beautiful. Then when people would comment on how good I looked that just shot up my self confidence. Making me feel so much better and gave me something to feel good about even if for a moment.

During these rough times this is what you need to do. Christmas spirit is found in your heart honey. Go find those decorations and dress up the house, put on your fav CD in and dance through it. Go shopping for your little girl, think about her and how happy she will be on Christmas day...Feel it in you honey.

We were separated once during the holidays and so I know where you are right now. Im so sorry...Hey wait, thinking back a CD that got me through those days was Marc Anthonys "Contra La Corriente"...Its all Latin Music and the lyrics were right on point.

Hugs and prayers going your way...

JT,
I thought about waiting after the Holidays but at the moment it seemed that it would be worst with him running from home to her house ... and I could hear him saying 'but it's the first Xmas for OC and I want to be there..."
Well, guess what, Christmas is a Saturday and by court he has visitation on Saturday mornings ... so the joke is on her ...
11 days and counting for a new year 2005 with better things for all of us!!!

SaphireBlueUs2 - on other topic, well more on a related topic, I don't listen to Marc Anthony anymore ... not after what he did to Dayanara with JLo ... I know it is silly, but everything was happening to her more or less at the same time it was happening with me and I felt a lot of understanding for her ... so to make myself feel better and in honor of Dayanara, I don't listen to him anymore ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Well here is what happened yesterday ... xH missed his appointment with counselor because he fall asleep ... he said.
Then like he was talking about the weather, he said to me that he got a warrant from the IRS and that if he does not pay in 10 days what he owes in CS, they will reposses his things including his 'precious' car ...
and then his apt lease expires on December 31 ... I think we can expect another 'anxiety attack' very soon ...

What does he expect from me? That I will be running to help him? That I will say I'll make your debt in CS dissappear?
Not anymore ... after last night, looking at him, I realized, I don't know him anymore ... the man that I loved, that I married, that I spent more than 11 years with ... dissappeared ...
and in his place, there is this selfish selfish human being that has had his life very easy ... that thinks that the whole world turns around just for him ... that has done all this things without feeling remorse or guilt ... I don't like him anymore, I don't want to be with him anymore ...
I see a future together so far away ... well, I should correct that, I don't see a future together for us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Has anyone else gone through this? IRS repossessing xH stuff?

Mily,

I have heard of it happening, but in all honesty - What do you care? H created this mess and maybe if something drastic happened to him then he would realize that his actions has consewuences. He will never ealize that if you keep defending him or coming to the rescue. I have a wuestion for you - Does he come to your rescue? On what?

I think it is time that he stood on his own two feet and owned what he has done, no matter how painful it might be for you it is his problem to handle! You do way to much already!!

stop worrying about it and just live your life for you and your daughter. Life does go on!


JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Has anyone else gone through this? IRS repossessing xH stuff?

*********************
**********************
It depends on your state but.......usually this is just a letter to let support obligors know the 'power' the CS agency has. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

As long as H stays current on CS, then they probably won't do anything. THey always send this letter out if you owe any arrears. The first step they take is siezing any income tax refund that you are entitled too. They can take that automatically to pay off the arrears.

If you are living in a community property state (such as CA) then YOU cannot get your half of the state refund but you CAN file a form that will enable you to receive half of any FEDERAL tax refund.

IT is called an Innocent Spouse claim form & you file it right along w/ your taxes. You can find more info on the irs web site.

Many state agencies can also suspend obligors driving liscences & any business liscences if they do not pay their CS obligations.....PLUS it is all on their credit report as well AND if there are any arrears...it is reported as 'delinquent' UNTIL all arrears are paid in full, whether you are making regular payments or not.


THis is also another reason why it might be good to file a legal separation if you haven't already.


ooo
xxx
kt

ETA: PS: now don't go calling him to tell him all this stuff either...since you are 'trying' to do plan B. Let him stress out about it & figure it out on his own.. ANyhoo...I think he knows it is not a big deal but is just presenting it to you as 'drama' so he can draw you back in & get sympathy ect. DON'T fall for it. Let him deal w/ this. I only wanted YOU to know how it would affect you.

<small>[ December 21, 2004, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

I know, I know ... why I should be there for him, if he hasn't ... I need to learn not to worry about him ... he needs to learn the consequences of his actions ...

I have the feeling that someone might have told him not to worry about the IRS and CS ... he didn't seem worried at all. I know that on August they sent him a letter saying that they were going to suspend his driver license ... he has only sent 6 payments since February ... I can't help but think that this might be another action from OW ... she has said in a letter that she didn't understand why he had to pay CS if I didn't needed the money ... yeah ... because I'm bathing myself with 100 dollar bills ...
given the power he lets her have in his life ... and how she lets him know that OC is the most affected on all this ... he hasn't been paying CS as he should.
Anyway, it has been his decision not to pay CS not hers ...

I don't know ... I'm still counting the days and preparing myself for a change of attitude for the new year ... I will worry about me and my daughter.

Thanks for all your support!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SaphireBlueUs2 - on other topic, well more on a related topic, I don't listen to Marc Anthony anymore ... not after what he did to Dayanara with JLo ... I know it is silly, but everything was happening to her more or less at the same time it was happening with me and I felt a lot of understanding for her ... so to make myself feel better and in honor of Dayanara, I don't listen to him anymore ...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Im sorry...No it is not silly. I understand and again Im sorry.

Mily about his issues with CS. They are his to hold. He created the mess let him fix it on his own.

New Year woman, new rules!!

I just wanted to post an update from the past days and what my thoughts are now that the year is ending ... thanks God!

I threw out Plan B on 12/22 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I was feeling so sad and alone ... xH went to see DD and we just started talking, nothing serious, just trivial conversation ... but it made me feel good ...
Then the next day he called to tell me that he had something to show me ... that he had OC for a couple of hours if I wanted to see him ...
Yes, I'm a little attached to OC <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ... I went to the apt, xH met me there with OC ... after two months, OC went with me like if it was yesterday that I saw him. Very sad, very sad ... xH made a comment that right now I don't even remember and I told him that my problems were not with OC, that my problems were with him and his relationship with OW.
After he left, I started thinking, OW is right in not trusting him with OC. The first time since October that she leaves him alone with OC and he just came running to me ... I'm sure the same will happen if I let him take DD out ... he will be running to her house with DD.
On Xmas eve he asked to go to see DD during the morning and I let him. Xmas day was horrible, felt very depressed.
xH was there at 7am ... and he left at noon ... he gave me a Xmas card in which he said how I was his best friend, that special person in his life, blah, blah ... he even said that there should be a Xmas card "For my xW that I still love" ...
then the next day he talked about all the things he did on Xmas day with OW, OW's family and OC ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I'm not going to do Plan B anymore ... I do not have a strong support group of friends and family that can help me going through this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Those three weeks I felt worse than before ...
I do not feel strong enough to go through that ...

So far, I've made my peace ... if I need something from him, I'll call him. He will be my personal handyman and babysitter ...
I will learn not to care about his feelings as he does not care for mine ...
I'll watch from the edge how he destroys his life. Heck, he just told he's not going to pay CS this week either because he has to pay the apt ... not my problem ... that's his problem ...
I really really want right now for OW to move in with him ... but I'm sure she has a list of demands for him that he will not fulfill ... as well as I'm sure that if OW moves in with him it will not last ...

I know I need to do Plan B for me ... but not now ... I'm not ready ... those three weeks were very hard and the NC hurt me ... I don't think that it hurt him even a little ...
Then I mentioned to him how it was going to be the first time in twelve years that we were not going to wait for the new year together ... he's going to be working ... xH works as an assistant manager to that store that opens 24 hours ... that I hate with all my heart ...
anyway, he said that he's going to be working and that it was ok with him if I wanted to stop by at the store so we could be wait together for the new year ...
Right now, I just want to call OW and let her know all the things he's doing and that he took OC to my apt, and everything that's been happenning ... just if I knew that was going to change something but probably at the end, I will be the one hurt again ...

Latest updates:

Spent New Year's eve with WxH ... no signs of OW ...
after a lot of thinking, I decided to do Plan A until March ... never did it before ... found MB after knowing about OC ... too late to do Plan A ... tried Plan B ... too painful ... understand why you should not do Plan B without doing Plan A ...

Anyway, I proudly can say I've been tear free since 12/27 ... how many days ... 17 days!!!
until last night ... I felt overwhelmed ... WxH has been at the apt every day for the last two weeks ... very nice and cute ... no talk about relationship or OW or OC, just enjoying each other and DD ...

But last night I felt all disoriented again ... deja vu feelings were there again ... felt he was cake-eating again ... called him and left him a message that I wanted to have a talk with him about us today ...

Met for lunch ... talked for two hours ... Asked him to be honest, not cruel but honest ...
I told him that I did not want to pressure him but that I needed to know what was his current relationship with OW, what were his plans with his current apartment (I thought lease expired on December, but it actually expires at the end of February), told him I needed to know what kind of relationship we were having and if there was any future in it ...

Waiting for the alien to answer ... but no! No signs of alien!! at all!!! ... is the alien disguised? keeping my hopes under control and my feet on the ground ...

He said he is not having any relationship with OW ... that he calls her to know about OC and nothing more, he goes and see OC and nothing else happens, no kisses, no hugs no SF ... that she has been harrasing him almost every day about him making a decision and about them moving back together again, he's tired of her constant bickering ... that she was getting tired of him not doing anything (hey! welcome to my world!) ... then he said that the only thing he knew for sure was that he was not going to get back together again with OW! ... then he said that he wasn't sure that he wanted to move back with me (ok, I asked for honesty...) ... Plan A into action! ... I told him that I didn't want him to ... I asked him if he had any feelings for me ... he said that he loved me, but that he wanted to have his mind clear before moving back together ... he said that he knew how much I suffered and that he destroyed me once again this last time (6 weeks false recovery) and that he understood that it was his fault ... that he did not wanted me to suffer again for anything he's done ...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Is this another alien? is my H back?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I told him then that I didn't wanted him back, that I felt that we needed to get to know each other again and if there was any possibility of us to start dating again ... the two of us ...
he said yes! ... he said that he has been thinking about that too ... that he was going to look for a cheaper apt, probably a one bedroom thing for six months .. if six months was enough time for me? ... I told him that that was perfect. That I did not want to go through all the things of last year, specially he cake-eating with us, that I did not want to go back to what we had when we were married since that led us to his affair ... he said he would continue go to counseling and at the end of the six months we will see where we are ...

Is this a new alien!?!?!
How should I take all of this without feeling all giggly and hopeful??