Hello. I am new to this board and wanted to introduce myself. H and I have been together for 13 years. We've been married four of those years. In March of 2004 I discovered H had been having a long term affair (1 1/2 years) w/ a co-worker (she no longer works w/ him). (He says it was sexual only.) H and I could not be intimate for quite some time due to health problems I had. In March I went to a specialist, and recieved medication which has helped my condition. H said he never loved XOW and whether I left or not, he would not be w/ her. He said he never wanted to leave me, and begged me to forgive him. He said he's learned his lesson, and was willing to do what it took to make this marriage work. XOW was pregnant and had OC in June 2004. The affair had been over for 2-3 months before H found out XOW was pregnant. I didn't find out for another month and a half. In the begining XOW was rude to me, and seemed very interested in getting H alone (asking him to lunch, doctor's appt.'s etc...) She seems to have let up some, and things have been a little calmer. H and I have stayed together, and are trying to make our marriage work. There have been a lot of changes, and we spend much more time together. He seems to be more honest and open w/ me. It has been a difficult time for me, but things do seem to be getting better. H and I are expecting our first child in August 2005. We do see OC, and H pays child support. They have not been through the courts for visitation, and we have done everything on our own so far. They are both against going to court, and if we do go to court, I am sure H will have to pay more child support than they've agreed on (which we can't really afford). We do plan to have a paternity test, although it's not been done yet. We do not have regular visitation, and I would have to say that has more to do w/ H not asking for OC. Although XOW has made it clear she thinks OC is too young for us to have OC overnight. She seems to allow us to see OC when H asks for her. She also calls for us to care for OC when OC is sick and can't go to daycare. We've done this a couple of times. She use to try to get H to go to doctor's appt.'s w/ her. I allowed him to go to one, because he wanted to meet the pediatrician. Since then, I told him she needs to do that on her own. He's followed my wishes, and XOW seems to have quit asking, although she still calls to tell H about the doctor visits etc.... I still have moments of insecurity. Some days are harder than others, but overall it does seem to be improving.

If both parties are in agreement---------you can file the forms yourself through the courts. I highly recommend that. IT covers ALL of your butts.

Communication w/ OW is NOT necessary. Except for the emergencies when OC is too sick for daycare-------she can EMAIL info & reviews from DR. appts.

That would probably help your insecurity.

It is not unusual or abnormal for you to be feeling this way.

Did you two get any counseling? IT is still very important becuase there are many issues surrounding an A & if they are not dealt w/--they WILL resurface in one way or another.

You are in the right place. This is usually the FIRST place that many BS w/OC find relief from such an isolating experience. I haven't met a person IRL yet w/ this situation.

YOU matter & this is a great place to find support for the unique situation you are in.

READ everything on this site.(besides the forums <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) The marriage support is great & the tools offered here are VERY helpful.

Let us know what you need-we're here for YOU! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

sincerely,
kt

PS: sunnyd has a great thread for 'beginners'...can't remember what it is called but if you look up her posts...you will find it...I think it is titled, welcome __________.....or something like that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

There is nothing wrong with being insecure at times. Trust me, that is normal because this person ruined the trust you had between each other. We are dealing with a XOW right now that just makes me want to burst. The baby is overdue right now and she tries calling my H. He doesn't answer so last night when he came home, he told me that she called him at work because she knew he would be there. (They work together in the navy) So I think OW's live in fantasy worlds and just don't get it. I mean, in your situation, the OW needs to realize that your H is married to you. This OC was her choice to keep and that she needs to do things on her own. As for your H talking to her when you aren't around, that isn't right. My H used to do that and I told him that was just as bad as having an affair because that made me feel like he was talking to her in ways he shouldn't. If the A was really over, he wouldn't hestiate to call her infront of me because there would be nothing to hide. Your H knows that you are going through a rough time and to make someone suffer during a time they are down, shows no respect in my book. If he really respects you and wants to make things work, then he would not do something like that.
I hope you find a lot of wonderful advice on this board. Don't feel hestiate to post anything on any subject. There are many knowledgable people on this board that give great advice!!

W-30. I'm so glad you found this site. Like KT said you will need to read EVERYTHING you can get your hands on. I will also stress Contact with the OC needs to be LEGAL! Cut and dry. You are heading for pain and greif. Everyone might be ok right now w/ the arragement but what happens if the OW dies? What if your H passes? What then. As a strong woman as you are, I would suggest you cover YOU and YOUR child! This is very important. No one knows what the future holds. KWIM. Please, please get you and your family covered. Here is our welcoming post. The information there will help you get started. We are here for you!
Welcome

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Wife30, I am sorry that you have to be here. However, this is the best place for you to be, and as others said, you will find the advice received in all the forums invaluable.

Am I to understand that paternity hasn't been legally established yet? That should be the first order of business, IMO. And, by all means, do everything possible to legally protect your and your family's interests.

It is not unusual to feel insecure, particularly when OW lives in the world of "Simply Just Doesn't Get It."

You will find some wonderful advice here!

I agree...please do everything legal...DNA and CS. If you don't do CS through the lawyers/courts, everything you have given her so far could be considered a gift and you might be responsible for a lot of back CS!!!

H and I went to counseling for about 5 months. I do not think we would have made it w/o counseling. The thing I am pushing now is the paternity test. Initially we didn't have the money to do it. Now, we have the money, but H seems to be procrastinating. Before OC was born he told XOW we wanted a paternity test. She swears OC is his, but I think she was in agreement. We've managed to stay civil w/ her so far, and I think H is afraid to rock the boat. He doesn't want XOW to know that we are doing the paternity test unless we have to. He's afraid it will make the situation worse between us. I don't really care if she knows or not, I just want it done for my peace of mind. H truly believes OC is his, but is doing the test for me. In my opinion XOW does not have much credibility. So, he's trying to see when he can get OC for the day, and get an appt. It is a court admissible test, even w/o XOW permission. I've already gotten all the information. XOW could say she didn't give us permission, but it's still court admissible. I typically go w/ H to pick up OC etc... (unless it's absolutely impossible). XOW tends to call H or e-mail him at work. H calls me or tells me immediately. In rare situations (OC going to hospital, to discuss visitation) she calls his cell. She's never called our house except one time I called her and she called me back. I've told H if I found out he was around her, and I didn't know, that I would leave, I don't care what the reason. He's been good from what I can tell about calling me to tell me she's called, etc...Initially XOW would just stare at me, give me attitude, and treat me disrespectfully. I called her and explained that the way she was treating me was not what was best for OC. I told her what I thought about her, I felt she had gotten pregnant on purpose (she denied that), that I felt she was using this child to try to get what she wanted (contact w/ H), etc... Initially I thought maybe I had done the wrong thing, I was very angry when I spoke w/ her (but I did control my temper, no cursing, etc...) Since then XOW has been more civil to my face, she says hello, and can actually give us care instructions for OC (before she would not tell us when OC had eaten, or needed medication-I told her this is only hurting her child). She even gave me and H's parents a Christmas gift from OC-I thought that was a little odd, but maybe it's a step in the right direction. I've encouraged H to get a legal agreement written up, but he's not done so far. H's sister and her husband had a very bitter divorce. She is in debt thousands of dollard, and they don't even speak when they exchange our nephew. H has seen all of this, and is determined for things to not be the same for us. We've kept documentation of all CS paid so far. It is deposited into an acct. in OC's name. We also have all the reciepts from the money he gave XOW before OC was born. We split hospital costs, baby things, etc... H paid 1/2 of everything. H thinks he's covered himself, but I'm not so sure. Both him and XOW are against going to court. H's name is not on OC's birth certificate (I told him not until there was a paternity test done.) I would think XOW would want his name on there, but it doesn't seem to concern her as far as I can tell. She really seems to want OC to know who OC's father is.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

You do not do side deals. PERIOD. You need to, immediately:

1. Have DNA done. This is vital. This child may not be his and you will never get that money back. DO THIS PRONTO.

2. Child Support needs to be done legally. PERIOD. YOU ARE NUTS NOT TO DO THIS. You sound like you are afraid to upset the apple cart around ow. That is cause nothing is set in stone. GET IT DONE TODAY. It may cost you a bit more, but in the long run it is much easier on you and your family. Plus, any $$ you have given here can be considered a gift and she can sue you for back child support.


This is not going away, today or tomorrow. The only way you are going to have peace in your life is to have all of these issues handled legally. It protects you. I think you should speak to a laywer and see about a legal separation, and get support in place for you and your child BEFORE ow gets child support for oc. YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO AN ATTORNEY NOW.

Side deals and handshakes are for used car salesmen. This is your life, your future, your family. DO IT LEGALLY.

Wife30:

I think that in order for the DNA test to work they need to take samples from the man, OW, and OC. I don't know if you can get a solid result testing just the H and OC. So, I'm afraid that you will have to do it with OW.

In my situation, OW insisted during her whole pregnancy that her child was my H's. Then, when OC was nine months old OW said OC could belong to someone else and that my H couldn't see OC until a paternity test. OW also insisted that the other possible father be tested first. We waited and waited, after four months the other guy still hadn't been tested. We couldn't wait anymore and when through our county's Child Support Enforcement Agency for a DNA test. They required all three parties to give samples. The test was alot cheaper going through the agency than it would have been using a private company and afterwards the agency helped get a support order through the courts. And, as an added bonus, if the man isn't the father he doesn't have to pay for the test.

One thing this situation has really taught me: it amazes me how much the court system and county agencies are taylored to women! At the child support enforcement agency we had a very difficult time filling out all of the forms, because they were all written for women trying to go after men for DNA tests and child support. It's made me a lot more sympathetic to the father's rights movement.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and I'm so sorry you have to be dealing with this. Hopefully you will find the support you need from the people here!

Wishing you the best....

I have looked in to both ways. If we go through the DA the test is free if OC is not H's. (What are really the chances of that?) But if it is his- it costs @ $250 more. That is why we've chosen to do it seperately. There is a company here that will do a court admissable paternity test w/ just the father and OC. I wanted court admissible in case we need it in the future. (They don't need XOW or her permission- I've already checked.) If we go through the courts we will have to pay almost twice the CS amount they've agreed on. We can't afford that-ecspecially w/ our first child on the way. (If she takes us to court, we'll do what we have to do, but I can tell you her and H won't get along as well anymore.) H said out of anger last night that he's considering "no contact." He is losing more hair everyday, his face is aging, and he suffers from constant stomach problems. He says looking at OC reminds him of what he's done, and having me there also makes the situation that much harder. XOW called and wants H's mom to babysit today if OC is too sick to go to school. I was off today, but H didn't want to tell her I could do it becaue last time she wouldn't let me. So, H said for me to go to his mom's and help w/ OC so I can spend time w/ OC. H is almost afraid to ask for OC- except when XOW offers OC to us, since we don't have a custody agreement. We can always tell her no, but she's still calling the shots in a lot of ways. If we can see OC we do, if it's not convient we tell her no. But, I have to weigh my options. We can't afford to pay twice the CS we're paying now ecspecially w/ our first child on the way. At least if XOW took us to court I know H would look at her differently and not trust her as easily- but it will make some things more difficult for us. We live paycheck to paycheck as it is. It took me a couple of months to save for the paternity test. I'm waiting to see if XOW calls or not.

If both parties are IN agreement-------then CS can be whatever you agree to AND filed through the courts.

Yes, she can request more but she can anyway AND since there is nothing legal THEN she can also ask for arrears, which is CS since the day baby was BORN.

Forget about any $$$$$$ you have given to her so far becuase it will be OFF the record & considered a gift. YOu could, realistically, end up paying MORE and TWICE!!!!!

This kind of thinking (out of fear) will cost you MORE in the long run.

You can file your own agreement through the court. IT is just an order legally saying what you are already doing so that there is no discrepency.

IF $$$$ is that tight...contact the local LEGAL AIDE office. They help low-income clients.

For your own protection this MUST be done legally!

Get a consultation w/ an attorney, most give FREE consultations.