well its me again. i thought i could be strong. i'm not trying to sound like this pathetic person posting my whining all the time. today my told me today that the ow called him at work and he is going to see the oc at work on thursday for the first time. my heart went into my shoe and i started to cry. that makes my h upset because he hates to see me cry. he also told me today that the OW got out of the hospital on sunday...instead of going home, she went STRAIGHT to work and show the baby...looking for my H. Is that pathetic? How did those BWs deal with their H's seeing the OC for the first time??? *tears*

So OW went to thier workplace but H didn't see OC?

BUT OW is comign back on Thursday to show H OC?

Can you meet him there so you can be together?

And WHY @ work? Is OW trying to embarrass him or what?

WTHECK?

There is no reason for this.

The other thing to remember is.............if paternity has NOT been established......then there is not need to form a bond or establish a relationsip w/ a child that is NOT proven to be his.


Will he understand that?


hugs, Hugs, HUGS, HUGS to you!


xoxoxoxoxox
kt

My H didn't quite understand that, he feels like it is his w/o paternity (although the paternity will get done!) The first time we saw OC was at a lunch. SIL was in town, and H wanted her to see OC before she left. We all met at lunch and it was hard. It was me, H, H's mom, SIL, XOW, and XOW's mom. H was supportive, holding my hand, etc... Not too much conversation between H and XOW (although she laughed at everything he said). H's mom and SIL held the baby, but neither of us did. I did not want to hold OC for the first time in front of XOW, I needed more time to adjust. Later when H and I were alone it was OK. XOW is a nut! She put H's last name as OC's middle name since H wouldn't sign the BC w/o the paternity test. She also picked a first name that had meaning to H's last name. Even pregnant when H is telling her he's not going to be w/her, she still names her child after H!

I agree I think you should be there if you can handle it. Then you don't have to wonder about anything and it shows unity. Also, I don't think work is the best place, why work? I had to fight back tears at some points during our meeting, and it's very hard, not sure if you want all that emotion at work.

The OW and H work at the same place.....they are in the navy so they work in the same building on base. Therefore, she is bringing him to work. Plus my H doesn't want to meet at her house. She IS PATHETIC!!!! *Tears* Oh my, why do I feel like the OW is winning when that is all I think about..?? Is something wrong? But I know I've talked about it for weeks but I have my FIRST ultrasound tomorrow at 1:30 to find out what we are having.

The OW is using my H's LAST NAME.......USE YOUR OWN LAST NIGHT. FOR GOODNESS SAKES! They aren't together and now she can live with people asking her why her son and her have different last names....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> why work? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OW is probably trying to get H alone, without his WIFE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I agree...if you can handle it, be there. That will show a united front. OW probably thinks that when H sees OC for the first time, they will all "bond" as a little "family." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Wow.......Wife30, I just read your little bio at the bottom....I see that the OC was born in June and your FIRST is due in August. I just have to ask because I'm going through it too, doesn't it hurt to know that there was an OC due before you had your first? That is why I'm so angry with everything.......

well they work at the same place, but he is having a person sit in with them. I asked him tonight if that was why and he said it had nothing to do with that. Plus its a community type place where they work so they can't be alone because his Chief will be there. I can't be there, I will be at work and I'd rather because I have YET to see OW or even talked to her for that matter since DDAY......

I would STRONGLY advise against this. Putting on my OW hat, it smacks of manipulation. Your OW is trying to illicit a response from your H. My take, she's thinking that once he sees this little baby, it will re-connect them (OW and H) somehow. All she's trying to do is nudge that door back open. Since the mountain won't come to Mohammad, Mohammad will go to his work. This is not a good location for this first visit. I totally agree that you should be with your H. However, chances are that OW will not like it. That could lead to a big ugly scene. If hubby is at work, it would be bad, bad, bad.

Unless your H has a strong need to see this child right now, it's really not necessary. OC will not remember your H, unless he intends to visit with some frequency. I would say that there's plenty of time to get to know each other AFTER paternity has been established. If it were me, I would not want my child's father coming around and playing daddy if he wasn't sure he really was daddy. I would rather he stayed away and saved us the drama.

Ideally, OW should/would set her own wants and needs aside, putting her child first. Even though it's hard (for both sides) she would work hard at being reasonable and cooperative for the sake of her child. I know I swallowed a lot of pride and bit my tongue more than I care to remember....but I did it for my son. We had our ups and downs, but it's paid off. We have a cooperative relationship and we all strive to do what is best for Jonas. My situation is the exception.

Be very cautious and make sure you establish the united front NOW!! If you linger back and let hubby go it alone, it will set a tone you don't want to set with OW. She needs to get it through her head, from the get go, that you're in this WITH your husband.

Best to you,
OB1

I do agree about the united front. I tried hard to establish it from the begining, and have only not been present when it's absolutely impossible. XOW is probably still trying to get H alone. Most mothers want the baby's father in their life. They feel it their relationship has a better chance since they have a child together. XOW can't stand it when I am present for the exchanges. (Evident from our last exchange.)

Hurt5-04 It wasn't so much the fact that we didn't have kids as it was that I had been ready for children for quite some time. H wasn't ready. He always said we didn't have enough money. Now, we have to pay for another woman's child! That's been a sore spot for us. My pregnancy was planned. Eventually I decided if I was going to stay in this marriage I wanted to move on with my life. I knew that in making this decision I had to be prepared to leave and raise this child on my own if it becomes necessary ( If H suddenly forgets he's married again.) I know I will be a great mother and I believe H will be a great father. I'm 29, and I had to think in terms of if I decided to continue waiting for children it may not happen. Things have been improving for H and I, we decided to have our own child. It seems to be a positive choice. We're both excited about it. Our counselor was also in favor of the pregnancy. She encouraged it as well. She really feels H learned his lesson and would never do it again. (Still there's always that what if?) She also reminded me that noone truly knows when they have children if the marriage will work out. We are trying and hoping for the best.

Hurt, I really think you should be there.

Hi Hurt,

In my situation, when OW had OC I was in a different state on vacation and my H decided to go to the hospital to see OC for the first time. I'm glad I wasn't there. They got in a fight because OW told him that he could see OC as long as I wasn't ever a part of OC's life. My H told OW that I am his wife, therefore I WILL be in OC's life, I am her step-mother. OW did not let my H see OC for nine months after that. H did not want to bond with OC until a paternity test, so we kept the visits to a minimum until the DNA test.

IMHO, as long as they will be surrounded by others it will probably be all right - do you think your H would bond publicly with OW around people who know he's married and expecting a baby with his wife?! However, if the meeting will cause problems for you and your H I would strongly advise that he wait until A) the paternity test OR B) until you can both see the OC. There is no reason for OW to cause further trauma to your marriage, and your H has to ABSOLUTELY be united with YOU in everything if he wants your marriage to work. He has to understand that HE betrayed YOUR trust and you are extending more courtesy than he deserves by even trying to work this out and deal with his illegitimate child!!

He already had things HIS way, it's time now to do things YOUR way - FOR YOUR MARRIAGE, for YOUR family together.

He needs to support you the way you are supporting him. You would not be asking too much for NC until DNA test, or to be there during EVERY visit if that is what's going to save your marriage!

I hope this helps. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I've been there, too. I know it sucks, but you will make it through this. You are stronger than you think!

Keep your chin up, and keep communicating, in complete honesty about your feelings, with your H every chance you get.

Hugs,
aVNL

There is simply no reason for any of this visitation until paternity is established. PERIOD.

I would strongly advise against any contact at all.

Once paternity is established, you then have all the power. Do you want contact with oc? Then you shall have it. OW can't deny access to the father. FIGHT FOR THIS. It makes no sense that a father can't have his newborn baby overnight. Even if child is breastfed. She can pump. If you go for contact, go at it full bore. TAKE what YOU want. What ow needs/wants are mean nothing. That is her problem to deal with.

However, until paternity is established STAY AWAY.

Can he call in sick that day?

You should be there. Who cares if ow gets upset. If your husband wants to see baby, and he holds the oc, have HIM hand the child to you. Nothing she can do about it. Who cares if she gets upset. This is the path she chose. She may have to share her baby. Her plans for a happy family with your husband are dashed. Her child will be part of YOUR family, and she is person non-grata.

IF this child is his, she will get cs, that is the law. What she doesn't get is the 100% of the rights pertaining to oc. The father has 50% of them.

I agree NO CONTACT till the paternity test is done. This way you and your husband show you are united and cant really trust the OW without proof, and all legally. So the OW gets that it is not personal its very inpersonal and all only to be done legally.