Ok, I've been reading the labels post about you guys and I gather that the majority of you wonderful ladies <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> are older than 35. Actually I think most of all th posters on MB are.

I figured that a man cheats most when he is in his 20's but as they get older they mature and settle down. Most of the wayward husbands here have cheated and are over 35. Is this what I have to look forward to? I'm still young and have been cheated on already, I don't want to go through it again. What do I do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I know most of you guys say that your husband is this good man who made a bad decision, so that means I might not be able to spot a cheating side in a potential suitor.

Maybe I should expect and surrender to the idea that I will be cheated on one day by my future husband. Sighhh....men they're all the same at any age. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

computer froze.. what is going on.. lol

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

To tell you the truth, Angel... I am 32, and H is 28... SO when when we married, H was only 23! WHAT WAS I THINKING????? As a woman of 27 when I married I was light years ahead of H as it was.. but my heart was too far gone and I never wanted to marry anyone even the best of the best or my son's father who I was w/for YEARS.

When our separation and then his A happened, he was only 25.. and it is VERY VERY true that his age was a HUGE factor in his immaturity in dealing with our M and situations...

But the GOOD news is every year (at MY expense) he has changed so much in every way-- and this final straw I SEE has given him those little indicatins in this face that he has matured.. he has been thru the fire his own self--- and he has grown up in every sense of the word! He is so different now about handling problems.... he has become a better father, husband, friend, lover! He has done so much to pull our home and kids back together and to run the house the way a man should.

THERE were LOTS and LOTS of men at your age that were wonderful guys without a cheating bone in their body- you JUST have not found him thats all. And I think when you are in your early 20's it is VERY hard to pass up those player-types that are so darned handsome! And then like me, you get the hottie/player type and YOU WISH YOU JUST STUCK WITH THE AVERAGE GUY!! BELIEVE me!!

However---- these types of "bound to cheat" or "players" you see at your age, well-- they change. They grow up. They find the girl that finally makes them realize that SHE and their family is all they want. My H was ALWAYS a family man -- wanted our marriage- wanted a big family, etc... but now as he reaches 30-- is when he was truly MATURE enough!!!! He always was crazy, crazy in love with me-- but yet he did not have the life skills and experience to REALLY commit to marriage and realize HOW SERIOUS of a commitment and WORK it is to stay happy!

Hang in there-- find yourself an OLDER guy!! They are NOT all cheaters and liars-- and even our H's are not ALL ABOUT THAT-- they just turned somewhere else because lots of our MARRIAGES were in trouble and the H -- nor us BW had all the answers that we do NOW that we KNOW what went wrong!!!!!! You have lots of insight Angel-- just stick around these boards and LEARN LEARN LEARN! I didn't know SQUAT about marriage as I thought I did till now I am just learning!!!!!!!!


I am only 32, and when this all started my *husband* was barely
My H is onl 28, and (WHAT WAS I THINKING) he married me

oops devil's got my computer...

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 10:49 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

I see...well I understand your case...He's still in his 20's. I see noone is safe getting married at any age...

Hey Gio What do these mean? I gather they are your children, but I don't understand the abbreviations.

S-14, SS-11, SD-9, SD-6

S- son
SS- stepson
SD- stepdaughter

AHHH.. its THE CODE... hee heeeee

In my last reply, I wasn't able to see your whole message, but I just read it now.

I agree, I am learning alot here. I may have an advantage that other young woman don't. Not by choice but by circumstances. For instance. I've already had my heart broken into a million pieces by a terrible guy who happened to be my childs father(I dont think any guy will be worse than this one) and I got over it. My worst fear was that I was going to be a single mom and I am surviving and happy at that. I dont believe in the whole fairy tale true love thing anymore, but I still would like to find a good man, and have a family one day.

Stepchildren....So your husband had three kids by the time he was 23 when you married him?

they mean son, step-son, step-daughter ect.

I'm ONLY 31! (was it the crochet?LOL)

My H was about 24 when he had his A.
Kind of an EARLY midlife crisis becuase we had baby & were married @ 19.

Some men (or women)have A during mid-life crisis (late to mid 40's).

IT's not about the type of MAN or woman who cheats. NO, men are NOT the same, you are hanging out in an INFIDELITY board, it is not an accurate representation of the male society on a whole. I know WAY more faithful men than UNfaihtful men & women IRL!

The BEST prevention is to build a strong marriage from the get go. I think it is fair to say that MANY BS have realized that their MARRIAGE was vulnerable & NOW no longer is.

I take no responsibility for H A, but I will admit to the part I played in the vulnerability of our marriage.

IT goes both ways. It could have easily have been me that cheated.

THE Harleys have some great principles for BUILDING marriages, not just those torn apart by infidelity.

FOr example thier 15 hour rule, every married couple needs to spend a minimum of 15 jours a week TOGETHER, w/o kids. MORE if hte amrraige is having problems. Something SO simple like that would have gone a LONG way for us.

We were in trouble & we weren't spending ANYWHERE near 15 hours a week together!

kwim?

Don't lose faith.........anyway, I don't beleive it is about YOU finding the right man as much as I believe it is more about GOD leading the right man to YOU.

xoxoxox
kt

Thanks Kt. I do have God in my life, and I pray so hopefully a good man will come into my life one day. At least I did get over my attraction to those player/handsome fellas. Hey, I blame my age and naiveness lol.

I guess it makes sense to have negatives thoughts about marrige since I am on an infidelity board..Duh xangelx...

Before I was married, I had lowered my standards & thought my chances of finding what I was looking for in a man were, realistically SLIM.

SInce being married over 12 years now, I have found that it is simply NOT true.

I've met MANY attractive, honest CHRISTIAN men that are WAITING for the perfect woman GOD has chosen for them to marry.

My H is great & is the perfect one for me. (and has become everythign I've always dreamed of--hubba hubba!)

But my point is you don't have to lower ANY of your standards.(except maybe the being RICH one! LOL j/k) Did you read my post about the 'single mom' that I wrote on your other thread? She has a great testimony of God's belssings in her life....it might be under your homeschooling one to me.

KEEP THE FAITH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

xoxoxox
kt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've met MANY attractive, honest CHRISTIAN men that are WAITING for the perfect woman GOD has chosen for them to marry.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, KT-- this is THE KEY!!

I WONDER, though.. if you did not pray, did not seek God and jumped into a M... does he STILL wish to bless you and make it work for the 2 of you EVEN IF you did not consult him?! I suppose no one really has that answer but I wonder sometimes to myself if I was being punished for jumping into a M before I sought God rightfully- I wanted him and I was not going to wait patiently for God to make me feel his blessing on this.. kwim????????

But listen to this---- when I met H I was dating someone who I KNEW I was just passing time with--- someone I KNEW I should just leave alone because he was not any guy I'd hang onto, etc.... so I prayed on my knees for god to PLEASE SEND ME MY GUY because "if he did not I KNEW I would just keep getting myself into trouble in the single/dating/club scenes...." I told God my heart's desire was for him to change my heart and make me a MARRYING TYPE!!... TO TAKE MY DESIRES FOR A FAST LIFE AWAY!! I also had a DISTINCT picture of my Husband in my head (I mean almost to the T as far as looks and personality)..

Well, strangely enough, I met my H about 2 days later and we NEVER have been apart since. And then BAM! I was NO LONGER desiring to be anything more than 1st and foremost a wife and mother- I am SO "BORING" NOW! LOL

I KNOW that we as women THINK something is desiny or God's answer to prayer- but it is not. It is merely us WISHING AND WANTING it to be and not waiting patiently or being humble to God's will....

Just some thoughts.........

Xangel- KT IS SO RIGHT, also, that cheating men are not the NORM as some may believe! So not true!

You know when you DO meet someone special, at least, you have been here long enough to know how NOT to handle problems within a marriage.. and hopefully how to help prevent such disasters-- this is invaluable! I had NO CLUE how to handle my anger, my needs, etc... and now I have changed SO MUCH from learning on the boards!! Really! Who'd of thought?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh yeah... and as KT mentions a lot-- the PROPER CARE AND FEEDING of HUSBANDS is something to not take lightly... they have lots of needs that extend waaaay beyond sex and dinner!!! LOL!! I failed him in other ways and thought he was CRAZY for saying I failed him -- I mean GEESH I cooked him great meals, took care of the kids, and gave him sex... Oh there's so much more to it- DUH NOW I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!

I think God brought 2 self centered and spoiled human beings (when it came to relationships) together to TEACH both of us a lot of things before he got us on track. I truly think that in a STRANGE way if H never cheated, etc.. I would never have truly appreciated him or any man or my marriage as I do NOW !!!!!! GOD WORKS in truly mysterious ways and me and H look at it this way many times.

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

My quick .02

I think people who cheat and LEARN from the mistake are the safest people to be with. One reason I went back with H. I knew he learned what a huge mistake cheating was and he appreciates everything about me more than ever before.

With the internet, chatlines, more women the work place etc etc etc the temptation is so great for so many people to cheat. The odds are against every relationship out there! But you pick the best person you can find to sit down at the table with and take the gamble. Or be alone forever. The highest jackpots take the biggest risks.

H was 21 when he first cheated on me. The last time he was 32. He had I believe 5 affairs during those years.

I was 18 when we married and 25 when my affair started. That was 6 yrs ago.

Things can happen at any age. Right now I pray that H has grown up and will never do it again, but H is the only one who will determine that.

There are plenty of guys out there who won't ever cheat. Even if they think they will never be caught, they still won't.

How to find them? That's the trick I guess.

For some of us, looking in the mirror and liking what we see is very important.

But for you, you know a lot more about the subject than you did before all this happened to you. You know the things to look for in a person now, much more so than you did before.
Use that. It will come in handy.