My husband and I have been separated for almost a year now and he has been living with ow since June of Last year. We went to divorce hearing on Jan 24th and it didn't go through due to some unfinished paperwork. That day husband admitted to still loving me and missing me. He said he wanted me back. I have been through a lot in the last year. I had my husbands baby about a month after leaving him. His girlfriend (he stated was just his "friend) had his baby on July 16th. Big Shock, him getting an apartment with her in June and having a baby 1 month after that. They both state they didn't know she was pregnant. Trying to make a long story short my husband tells me he loves me but now he loves her too. He has a decision to make. Now there is a child from his affair so this really complicates things. I have two kids by him. A 5 year old daughter and a 10 month old son. Been supporting myself and two kids by myself for a year now. Have a minimum wage job and doing a lot better than he thought I would so he says. I know his girlfriend is going to be hurt by him leaving her to come back to me. My thoughts on that are she should have left my husband alone in the first place. But doesn't make her hurt any less or make her pain justified. I want my husband back but I absolutely hate her and that is a sore subject for my husband I to even talk about. He doesn't want me saying anything about her. He defends her when I say anything what so ever. He hasn't left her yet but hasn't even been honest with her. He has been to my apartment several times and we have been intimate. My husband says I have changed a lot. Lost a lot of weight, dress different, better attitude, etc. Any advice? I still want my husband back. All my friends think I am stupid for taking him back after what he put me through. But I guess I am a gluten for puinshment.

Sylbamarie.

P.S. Need advice

oh and he told me he loves her and feels torn between the two of us.

This is my humble opinion and I hope it doesn't upset you.

I hate to say it: Your H is wandering around in the FOG. Fence-sitter. Cake-eater. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You are not helping your situation any by allowing him to live and be intimate with HER while being intimate with YOU. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My H was in the FOG for a long time. Read through this entire board, particularly anything relating to Plan A/Plan B.

If you want your H to make a decision, you have to make some rules and be willing to enforce them.

Because your H has a child with OW the No Contact rule will be hard to enforce. But, in order for him to re-establish a relationship with you, he MUST end the relationship with the OW - completely. And he must prove this to you with his actions.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> You are not stupid. Don't bash yourself. I'm sure you never thought this was going to happen when you married him. He made the decision, without your consent, to involve himself with OW. This is not your fault.

Don't let him take advantage of you. You must be strong. Halt all intimacy until he has ended the fling with OW. Be firm. You must demand that he is honest with you and OW.

My H lived with XOW for a few months right after I kicked him out. He lied to me and said they weren't seeing eachother anymore. I gave in and we became intimate. When I found out that he was still seeing OW, I called her myself to tell her that we had seen eachother. Later that year, I received a phone call from her letting me know that my H was up to his old tricks and they were seeing eachother again. Near divorce! The FOG can last years!

It took me awhile to learn that nothing would be accomplished with our relationship as long as he was continuing his relationship with OW. I had to be very firm with him. Eventually he came around. But, it was a very long and painful road.

If you are not willing to let your marriage end, you must demand his complete loyalty and honesty.

My H and I have come up with our own rules regarding OW/OC. They are:

1. No contact with OW without me being present.
2. OW is not allowed to call my H's cell phone.
3. All OC pick-ups/drop-offs must be planned in advance and made while I am present when possible.
4. If OW raises a stink about me, H must stand up for me and OUR family.
5. H's cell phone/email is free game, I have all passcodes and full access to call/mail logs.
6. H's activities are watched carefully, and if he's caught in a lie - it's over.

Of course, I also live my life by these rules. I am an open book. My H knows that in order for us to heal this must be true for both parties.

Generally, we have a 3 strikes rule. If any of these rules are broken adding up to three times - that's it. Divorce. So far, my H has one strike against him for the last three years. Not bad.

I would advise you to read everything you can on this site. Pay close attention to threads involving OW/OC, there are a lot of people here dealing with that same situation.

I offer you ((((HUGS)))) and tell you:

DON'T BE A DOORMAT!! Don't let him drag your heart around anymore! BE STRONG!! Get angry, be brutally honest - with H and with YOURSELF!

Know that you have a great support system here, we will help you in whatever way we can.

Good luck, and keep us updated!

AVNL

I'm sorry to hear your story. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I have to ask, though...why are you supporting your two children on your own??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Your husband should be contributing support!!!

Yeah, why are allowing that? I think what a victom no longer gave you some really good sound advise.

OKAY, YOu are allowing yourself to be used, kinda, and I say kinda because obviously you are also getting something from this 'arrangement'.

BUT, if it's your marraige that you want then you need to change your MO.

Read all about PLAN B here on this site.

Set some ground rules for yourself & H, then abide by them. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE PLAYED!

First step to restoring your marriage is C w/ OW STOPS. There should be NO reason to explain what CONTACT means & what NO CONTACT means.

even if your D proceeding is taking too long or you are faultering on whether you want to proceed you should file for a LEGAL SEPARATION IMMEDIATELY & get CS set up for your 2 kids.

In MOST states (not all) whoever files FIRST gets the biggest %. SO if OW files first, then she will get the largest chunk of CS & you will get a % of what is left over. IF you & H did get back together you can be sure OW will be getting her own CS set up. YOu should do this NOW.

You must take this seriously & take yourself seriously.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, no one deserves to be treated this way, ever.

take care of yourself, RESPECT yourself & others will too. Be strong.

sincerely,
kt

I also think you need to stop all intimacy w/ H until he stops seeing OW. You are the one that will be hurt in this. I also think you need to come up w/ ground rules that you feel comfortable with. I had some things for H that I wanted- not being alone w/ XOW, telling me of all phone calls, etc... I also told him if I ever found out he has seen her and it's not a prearranged exchange for OC that I'm aware of, I will leave- no questions asked. He needs to call and tell me where he goes. And we also needed to spend more time together. We had other rules but those were the main ones. I can't go through all of this again.

I did want to tell you that H was defensive about XOW in the begining. He wanted to take all the blame for the affair, and didn't seem to want to share any blame w/ XOW. While I admit he was to blame, I think they both were. Slowly as I've stopped saying such harsh things about XOW, he's slowly stopped defending her. I've also seen a change in how he talks to her. I think he's finally starting to see her for what she is (she's pulled a lot of stunts over the past 10 months). It's taken time, but it is happening. He still doesn't talk bad about her, but it's a change in what I see in him. He doesn't defend her as much, and doesn't take her crap as much.