Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, etc, etc.

Cody, how old were you when you found out about your father's indiscretions? Obviously it has really affected you because I think we can all sense the hostility that you have. My kids, ages 15 and 12, are aware (as much as they can comprehend at such ages) of my H's latest A and the prospect of the OC. They do not know that we have paternity results in hand. We're not sure how to break it to them. Any insight?

I was in college when I found out so I was an adult. My dad was nothing like this lost71 thank goodness. I don't think he has a clue how much he tortured his wife with his fence sitting. Then he has the gull to say if she could have only waited a little bit longer. Then he talks about how he wants to off himself. Cry me a river. Like I said, me, me, me, me.

As for your kids I think they would rather hear it from him instead of someone else. If there is any danger with that happening I would tell them. I wish I never knew.

I am past this. Lost71's woe is me's post triggered me but I am okay.

Oh believe me cody, you are not the only one triggered! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It's hard to comprehend (the thinking behind it all)but your initial post on this thread is pretty right on target! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

crackin me up guy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

How are the wedding plans going? OR did it already happen?

xoxoxoxoxox
kt

Cody, unfortunately I understand Lost71 because I've lived with it for well over a year. His feelings are completely normal for someone such as himself, even if we don't agree with it. And we must give him credit for seeking help. I think he's come to a good place. Oh believe me, I understand your frustration and you're not the BS in the matter! It is sad that innocent children are affected by their parent's choices. You're living proof of that and I'm so sorry that you were put in that situation. It was very unfair of your father to do that but when people get tangled up in the web they don't take into consideration the feelings of others, only themselves. It's not until afterwards that they realize the devastation that they've caused.

My H and I were the ones who ultimately told our kids about the A and the possibility of OC because rumors were flying around our town and we knew they needed to hear it first hand. It's a difficult situation because my 12 year old is friends with XOW/XOWH's 12 year old. He goes to their house, their son comes to ours. I can't imagine what goes through my son's head when he's at their house and sees OC knowing that the possibility (which is now reality) of the baby there being his half brother. It's a horrible situation for all, but unfortunately, can't be changed.

KT,

March 26th is the big day. I am not really that involved in the planning. You know how that goes. LOL

MH,

Wow I am surprised you let your son go to OW house. I guess you don't have much of a choice. It's not fair that they would have to end their friendship.

I'm sorry my post so offended you, Cody. I really am trying to work this out to be a better person after all this, whether or not I can or should fix my marriage.

I am leaving my wife alone. My dad was a WS too -- many, many times, but I was younger and met most of his girlfriends. That does some weird stuff to a seven year old kid, I know that. (No, I'm not saying my situation is my dad's fault.)

On the advice of a good friend, a BS, I came here to talk to some people who maybe could help me be a person who doesn't do crap like this. Why is that a bad thing? What would you suggest I do? I regret what I've done, I am painfully aware of the pain my W is in, and we can't fix it ... now what?

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

I battled with it for quite some time but came to the same conclusion you did. It's not fair for them and why should they be punished for it. As far as I know XOW/XOWH haven't told their kids (ages 12, 8, 5) about the A or OC. I'm sure they've figured it out though. We all used to hang out together every weekend and that abruptly stopped after D-Day. We'd all see each other at school functions and not say a word to each other. Kids aren't stupid. As a matter of fact, when the A was going on their 5 year old (who's wiser in years than she should be) would sing mommy and B (my H) sitting in a tree, KISSING. My H swears the 5 year old never saw anything between OW and him but that her intuition picked up on it. Bizarre and so sad...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why is that a bad thing? What would you suggest I do? I regret what I've done, I am painfully aware of the pain my W is in, and we can't fix it ... now what?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dude you are so freaking clueless. Oh my god. I have a low tolerance level for stupidity. You ask what can I do?? LOL!! Oh dear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

No advice. Well, thanks anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ok,,let's try our very best to be civil, kind and helpful.

What if Lost was your FWS or dad or whatever? Would you want someone to extend a hand to him?

SUPPORT,,remember? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

No sense in pouring salt on our already open wounds.... at least Lost71 has come to the conclusion that he needs help(regardless to how much damage has been done already...at least now it can hopefully be put to a rest, and some sort of healing can start)...some people never get help, so lets be happy about that if nothing else.

Just my 2 cents...hope it worth that!(smile)

Take care all!

I really applaued Lost for comming onto the site and seeking help it is a REALLY HUGE STEP so come on guys give him a break we are not here to judge but to support and help each other.
By the way my eldest son is flying from Australia to Florida for a holiday with FOW We actually never met her until a long time after the A. But children can be amazingly resilient I was suprised how well my children coped with the whole situation and dont bear a grudge against FOW.

Cody - I feel for you - the challenge for the children who's worlds have been rocked by infidelity is to help others see that children may be resillient on the outside, but our hearts will feel this pain forever.

Just last week, I had to go through a treadmill test. I have ulcers and a hernia in my esophogas; when that has a spasm, I get chest pain that travels up my neck. Since my mom says that I am a result of her affair, rather than my father's biological daughter, that means I have to add a history of fatal sudden cardiac disease to my own medical history. I desperately want my real father's medical history instead - not just because he has a healthy heart, is still living and in pretty good health fo 82, but the imposter leaves a legacy beyond just the adultery.

Children are resillient, but my medical records tell me that this will hurt me to the day I die.

Kaylandy,
I am so sorry I was really not thinking of a child in your situation. I have never even thought of how someone in your situation feels. Can you explain to me how you feel and what goes through your mind. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.

Shellshocked,

"children being resilient" is a real trigger for me. Resiliency seems to be expected of children by parents who are very caught up in their own pain. I heard my sister say that when she left her husband and left her children with him in an attempt to FORCE him to be their father - he was so passive he'd have probably not given a rip. Well, her attempt to get them a father at the expense of them having a mother in their lives has landed one in the state pen for 1 year, and the other two hoodlums are in the juvenile system. Seems dear old dad couldn't be bothered to keep his 12 year old from stealing the pickup truck at midnight, and going out stealing from convenience stores - and this is in a RURAL community where you have to drive a few miles to get to the next farm, let alone a convenience store...

I guess what I'm saying, is the hurts go way deeper than any of us grownups realize. Cody is a prime example - he's hurt by something that had "nothing to do with him" supposedly - just like my mother hurt me profoundly by not protecting me as a baby from her infidelity so that I was exposed as a witness, which created curiousity, which created a tendency to promiscuity, which if it hadn't been for my faith (which my sister didn't have) would have had disastrous results in my life.

So forgive my sharpness. That's the reason for the trigger. And I hope that all the grownups here realize, children only appear to be resilient. Sure. They can fall on their butts, cry a bit, and get back up. But watch them when someone they trust is the one who knocks them hard to the ground...

They are also very fragile creatures.

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]</small>

Kalya: I have a girlfriend that before her father and mother divorced he cheated on her all the time. He would take her to these womans house and tell her not to tell her mom. Sad very sad.

I think people can choose their own resiliency.


It's up to Cody to get over his hurt. He can blame blame blame all he wants but that won't get him anywhere.

Listen, I was molested from the age of 5 to the age of about 12 by an older kid in the neighborhood. His mom babysat me but didn't seem to care that her son was locking me in the room with him.
I was verbally and mentally abused by one of my parents. In addition, I was made fully aware of my insignificance compared to my "Star Sibling".
When I was 16, I walked in on my father in his bedroom with a gun to his head and it was up to me to pleed with him to put the gun down. No one else was home. Talking him out of suicide while he's holding a loaded gun to his head is not something a child should have to be responsible for.
I had a parent who cheated on the other and I saw first hand what that does to a person. I was a BC- been there, done that and picked up the pieces for my betrayed parent.


People can dwell on the hardships in life as long as they like, but life is much better when you just let it go. It takes time and this website will help people out, but they'll have this stuff hanging over their head as long as they play "victim".

EVERYONE has had a hard life in their own way, EVERYONE has dealt with injustice and hurt. It's how we CHOOSE to deal with it that makes the difference.

You can share stories and share support, but ultimately the decision of getting past this is up to the individual.

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 09:03 PM: Message edited by: CheerfulLittleOne ]</small>

CLO,

It's one thing to choose to be resilient. It's altogether another for someone to demand or expect resilience when they have no empathy for the footprints of another.

You've never walked in Cody's shoes. And neither have I. And you have never walked in my shoes.

As it is, there is one form of resiliency I do emphatically choose so I will never have empathy for you - and that is to choose a relationship with a married man... and you have forecast that you will... again.

I understand what you are saying Clo & I think we are NOT giving cody enough credit here.

He has said that he is over it AND he was NOT a 'child' when all this happened w/ his father & OW, he was an adult in college. SO his only perspective is from an 'adults' POV.

He is saying that he has no sympathy for an OW---that is his position & he is entitled to it.

As far as things that happen to us as children......we all have our own way of dealing w/ things. Resilient or not, there are still some childhood scars that haunt us, some more than others.

I don't think it makes us who we are or aren't because we still have a choice but it sure can influence those choices.

xoxoxo
kt