I didnt want to t/j the other thread.

I just wanted to say that I noticed it says XOW as of 2/18.
Just wanted to say I think you did the right thing.
I know this isnt going to be easy for you.
You sound like a very strong woman, so I think you will make it just fine.

Lori

Post deleted by Blackrio

Stormy I want to elabarote on this, but I'm not sure if this will be good for the newbies. I will be PM you over there--------> in a bit. I'm just so happy that your finding the strenghth to do what you have done. The fork in the road will work itself out even if it's not what you want right now due to the secrecary of it. So keep looking for my PM okay?

Hi stormy! I want to comment on the visitation part...I dont think it is fair to YOU as a co parent of this child that this MM helped create to have to go by what he wants...I believe that if this MM wants to be a part of this childs life than he needs to tell his W about this child and arrange overnight visitation with the child in his own home...How is he going to hide this from his wife for 18 more years!

Have you thought about telling the wife yourself! She does have a right to know! And I dont think it would be out of spite, but out of respect for HER!

I think it is ludicrous for him to expect to only have visitation on his terms!

JMHO <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I still say you sound like a very strong woman. Sounds like you have got everything together.
I am glad you found out now what type of man he can be (regarding temper). I am sorry your boys had to witness that.
As a BW who didnt find outabout my stepson till he was almost 7, I would recommend his wife be told. I think it would be better for her and your daughter in the long run.
It has been 3 yrs since I found out, and Tylor is still very quiet and shy around me. I think if he would have grown up around me in his life it would have been alot easier for him to accept me.
I found out from the IRS when I called to find out why they kept our income tax refund.
Stay strong. I really hope you can find hapiness with a man that can devote himself totally to you and your kids.

Lori

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: Tylorsstepmom ]</small>

I agree with you RollerCoasterPro.

How can he express a sincere desire for this child be a part of his life if she is not allowed in his home or contact with his family?

His W needs to know. I'd check with the lawyer and see if there is some way that could be a part of the agreement. Or if there would be legal concerns in telling the MM "You have one week,,You tell her or I will." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Post deleted by Blackrio

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stormyweather:
Me tell his wife?!?!? I didn't think that was allowed. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is honesty and truth allowed? Is that your question? This is a marriage building support / discussion board. This area of MB is to support marriages affected by both infidelity ~and~ OC/ pregnancy.

So, here on MB, we try to apply Harley's concepts to build happy marriages.

One of Harley's concepts is 'Radical Honesty'. Have you read the site's excellent concepts? Do you have questions about 'radical honesty' you would like to ask?


As to your own situation, I hope you recover fully and lead a wonderful life free from the horrors of adultery.

It's not where you've been that matters, but the direction in which you're headed that matters.

Are you here to support your marriage? Can we assist you with your marriage or with your personal recovery using Harley's concepts?

If you are no longer married, but are here to learn and apply good relationship skills ....Harley's concepts are invaluable.... if only as a guide for ways to conduct yourself in the future.

Pep

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

DANG! How can he pay SO much CS YET, not afford car repairs. phone, ect & NEED to claim an extra dependent.

I hoep you also have that as a stipulation in your aggreement----who claims OC as dependent. IT must be written on there to avoid any future problems or IRS quirks.

ANd how does his W NOT know these things....??? THat's wierd hanh? How did she NOT see the taxes when she signed.

I think someone already asked that hanh?

WoW! GOod luck to you SW. I know it can't be easy for you but I do commend & applaud you taking this step in teh RIGHT direction in your life.

You will be blessed.
kt

DANG! How can he pay SO much CS YET, not afford car repairs. phone, ect & NEED to claim an extra dependent.

At that particular time in August, we were getting ready for the birh of Zoe so he had already spent a good amonunt on baby things. And then Murphy's law kicked in and both his car and his wife's car broke down. He had taken out a few thousands of his retirement account to cover some of the bills while I was placed on total bedrest and instead he spent that amount plus more to get both vehicles fixed to the tune of more than $3000. This is also how he started to slip in the hole regarding his house payment.

Quick note: He has now caught up on that from being 4 months behind just last month. Some of this from the extra that he got from claiming Zoe.

I hoep you also have that as a stipulation in your aggreement----who claims OC as dependent. IT must be written on there to avoid any future problems or IRS quirks.

Oh yeah. I claim Zoe always UNLESS I agree to let him claim her for some odd reason. Quite honestly, this isn't a big issue for me and for the right reason, I would let him claim her again.

ANd how does his W NOT know these things....??? THat's wierd hanh? How did she NOT see the taxes when she signed.

He did their taxes online and sent it electronically so there was nothing for her to sign. That will be on him when she does find out.

Is honesty and truth allowed? Is that your question? This is a marriage building support / discussion board. This area of MB is to support marriages affected by both infidelity ~and~ OC/ pregnancy.

And this I understand but from what I heard on here, when the OW often tells the wife its for revenge sake. I haven't heard of too many cases in which the BS took the revelation from the OW in good faith and such. This why I have such reluctantance on this matter.

Stormy,

I do think his W SHOULD know,,we probably all agree on that. However, on second thought, in view of what happened to that pregnant woman and her son in Texas, perhaps it's better (not to mention safer) if it doesn't come from you. Apparently, judging from the news reports, this woman was threatening to tell the W about her pregnancy and the MM killed her (her unborn baby)and her son.

The safety of you and your baby is the number one concern. Sounds as though he is being rather FINANCIALLY generous. Just a question, and you don't have to answer (obviously <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ),, is this his W's money also? By that I mean,,does she work? If so, I can't imagine how she wouldn't discover this amount of money missing!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Unless his last name is Trump or Gates! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I just cant imagine the WIfe not knowing something is up? Was he ALWAYS behind on the rent? having to take out money to fix cars? Or did this just occur during his A! I just dont get that! Money disappearing! Big red flags there!

Stormy, I would either tell the wife myself, or send an anonymous letter or phone call! You do not have to identfy yourself...But she needs to know AND she also has a right to raise that child as the STEPMOTHER of her! You gave her that right when you slept with her H and produced a child with him..

Now whether she wants to raise the child in her home as a co parent is up to HER...she may very well kick the H to the curb..but again that is HER choice...

Gosh, it just breaks my heart that this MM is leading two lives and his wife doesn't even know it! sad, very sad!

Post deleted by Blackrio

Stormyweather,
Personally I dont think it is your place to tell his Wife. My H came to me and told me about his A. I believe she should be told BUT IT SHOULD COME FROM HIM..... I think he is being incredibly stupid by not telling her nothing will make it any easier if anything it will make it harder for her to beleive him the longer this goes on.
I wish you so much luck for the future I am so happy to see you take such a big step and end this relationship. His wife does not deserve all the lies and betrayal that is going on.

It's interesting that everyone thinks it would be okay for Stormy to tell her xMM's W.

From what I've read here in the past, it seems the BW always say it was WORSE hearing it from OW. That they wished their H would have told them instead.

I think most OW's feel the wife has a right to know, deserves to know, especially when an OC is involved. However, we feel that it's xMM's duty to inform her; and from what I've read, most BW's would rather hear it from their H than the OW.

Your right CLO, but this MM doesn't have any intention to tell the wife from what stormy is saying..that is why *I* suggested an anonymous phone call...then the H would be confronted by the W and then he could tell his side!

Under the circumstances, there being an OC involved, I really think that this wife has a BIG right to know...she may want to be a part of the childs life, who knows...but she definitely has a right to know one way or another!

Post deleted by Blackrio

In the many years I have been on this board I think I have only read possibly two times a BW has said she'd rather she never knew,,,and those two were about an affair, and didn't have an OC involved. When a child is involved I think it puts a whole new spin on things.

Of course it would be better if the H told his W. But seeing as how he never told her of the affair, didn't inform her about the pregnancy and is taking steps to now hide the child, it's rather doubtful he EVER plans to step up to the plate.

Someone should! But as I said in my last post, it may not be safe for Stormy to do so. The anonymous letter or phone call may work if enough details are provided.

My H hid my stepson till he was almost 7. My MIL would send Jami money so I wouldnt find out. My H would buy diapers and stuff like that. We had three toddlers at the same time, So that stuff on a reciept was normal. When my H started paying official CS and his check went down considerably, He lied to me about the cause of it. He was in the military and I had no way of finding anything out as they tell spouses nothing. When we were supposed to get a big income tax refund and didnt I called the IRS to find out why. They told me back CS. That is when I confronted my H and learned the truth. I would have much rather have found out by my H, MIL or Jami.
An anonymous phone call or letter would probably be best. I do think she has the right to know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nerlycrzy:
<strong> In the many years I have been on this board I think I have only read possibly two times a BW has said she'd rather she never knew,,,and those two were about an affair, and didn't have an OC involved. When a child is involved I think it puts a whole new spin on things.

Of course it would be better if the H told his W. But seeing as how he never told her of the affair, didn't inform her about the pregnancy and is taking steps to now hide the child, it's rather doubtful he EVER plans to step up to the plate.

Someone should! But as I said in my last post, it may not be safe for Stormy to do so. The anonymous letter or phone call may work if enough details are provided. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Newrly, I am not here to start anything with you. I am here to say that I read a thread awhile back with just this question. I think I started it? But can't be sure. In fact I also asked BW over on another board who are not involved w/oc just cheating husbands. In the thread it was everyone I believe that told that it was deceitful and mean to tell the bw about the oc. I do believe that either way we look bad. Again, this is thoughts on the process and only mine with what I've seen. I know in some situattions your dam*ed if you do and dam*ed if you don't. It's always better to for the mm to tell his wife. I know in my case xmm had 8 months to tell her. He used that eight months to ponder and kiss up and become a "real" husband. He lied to her about our entire relationship. The entire thing. I never went back and corrected him, it was not worth it. At that point I was about to have a baby. I just wanted him to take the dam* DNA test without it costing me thousands of dollars. It probally would not be a good idea though with me telling you guys WHY he told his wife and when that I did play a hand in, only because I knew that if his wife knew then it would be easier to serve him at home instead of work (although they work together) and just be able to get on with it KWiM? Either way at that point it does not matter. He knew he had to tell her but he was very scared. He knew he could not hide that much money a month as she did all the bills. He had been trying to take over the bills for 2 years prior with no avail, so this would not change. He ploted though and ploted. And he had a great story. Again, I left his story alone. I laughed at him, but I was not going to lower myself to put myself in the position of he said she said, then try and have this baby too. I'm to old for that school crap. He probally would have never told her until he was served because he was scared. I was not going to have him put his kids through that and the reaction of it all. So I just pushed him a little to do what he needed to do.

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: needtomoveon ]</small>