My husband and I have decide that we're going to separate. I'm just really overwhelmd at the moment. H doesn't want Sep or Divorce. I'm not sure what I want. In all honest I dont want to give up on M but I am tired and worn down both mentally and physically. It's weird that even though we are making progress I feel myself going deeper and deeper into depression. I find it very weird since I've been dealing w/ it for over a year. In all that time I've never felt like this. Sep is my idea. I just really need to gather my head. I'm not too sure what I want. I love husband but I don't know how to deal with oc/ ow in our lives. I know oc is here and If I choose to stay I'll have to deal but, apparently I'm having a difficault time. How on Earth am I supposed to deal with at least 16 more years, oc is 2? If anyone can offer any advise I would greatly appreciate it.

Gosh. (((Cali))) That's such a difficult decision.

I don't have any advice to help you deal and move on. But, like so many others have said, only you know how much you can take.

None of this is your fault. You can hope and work for the best marriage, but it takes two, and sometimes the mistakes made are just too huge to get over.

My thoughts are with you today as you struggle to make sense of how you feel and what you are truly prepared to deal with.

AVNL

Might I suggest a Plan B?

PB is all about setting your boundries and PROTECTING yourself and your love for wh. It'll give you breathing room and allow you to step back and gain a bit of perspective...

I'm sure there are some OldTimers that could xplain it to you better than I can...

((((CALI))))

(((Cali)))

Has anything new transpired lately? Is H and your relationship worse than it was 1 year ago or better?

What I found is that at the beginning months its actually easier once you get over the shock. Its like a honeymoon thing.. then it seems to reduce to great ambition and the desire to keep the M and family together....

And then for ME, personally---- it seemed to erupt again after about a year. I felt I had swept too much under the carpet - things I never dealt with would come back. And H was angry because I was seeming to bring up new or same things again. But it happens.

I posted in the past months or so (no concept of time?) about anger, depression, etc oozing out of me when I thought I was over this (for most part).

Come to find out- the amount of time you have been in recovery (and me too) seems to be just enough time to merely get our head on again. It is not enough time to rebuild your M and your self esteem. As much as I want or you want to JUST DEAL and JUST GET OVER IT and JUST MOVE ON.... it is virtually impossible to skip the steps of time and counseling and/or really rebuilding correctly.

It has been since July 03 for me and then more crap after a false recovery.. and I still find myself depressed many days and wondering WHY? Why am I so strong and then POOF I'm transformed instantly into the weepy and hopeless creature I thought would not appear again.

Cali, be careful what you wish for. I kicked my H out before due to feeling "a certain way" as you do-- but it can be fleeting and you don't want to do this without lots of thought. I know you called the seperation- but are you sure ?

Is it a 100% fact that H cannot wait for C a bit until you are stable. I hate seeing marriages/wives like you having contact CRAMMED into your recovery period-- it is very hard. Very hard. I cannot for one moment imagine C -- even now that I am much over the A/OW in my daily life.

Its like some kind of death sentence to me--- EVEN though OC is INNOCENT and deserves a father-- it is h*ll on a newly recovered M.

(((Cali)))) Just know that 1 plus year into recovery is NOTHING in the scheme of things.

Do you wake up some days and say WOW I was out of it the past year-- cant remember things, etc?? This is a sign that it is still just the beginning where you are barely just getting your bearings back, let alone being happy with C and your M yet. Give it time, please before you seperate if you can. UNLESS you are just done- and at that time there is NO use dragging out the inevitable.

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Hi Cali, I don't know if you have already tried this but I would do some intense IC. It sounds like you have a lot to work through yet and that can be a safe place to get things clearer in your head. It's only been 6 months since D-Day and I have a lot to go through yet as OC isn't even here. I'm more settled about C with OC than you, but there's still a bunch of "what if's" out there and I'm sure the rollercoaster is a long way from ending for me. I think before you make a big decision about separation (provided the A is over) or D, you should try the counseling route. Especially if your H doesn't want to separate. Good luck!

1) don't leave over temporary emotions. Live in an extra bedroom if you have to, but if you're still living overseas, separating will cause SO many problems that are hard to quick-change!!!

2) Counseling
3) Counseling
4) Counseling
5) Counseling
6) See your doc re: depression.
7) Counseling.
8) did I mention counseling??

Hugs,
J

Thanks you guys. I just got up. It's like 7 am. I think I got a few hours sleep. I'm really out of it at the moment. I do however understand that my decsion, our decsion will have long term effects especially if we sep legally over here. I am in ic here but that is only offered for 8 sessions. I'm not sure what # I'm on now but I have a felling that I'm going to need more than that. I have an appointment later this week and will talk about some of these issues. I am also planning to go to a doc and just get checked out.

Cali,

I believe your H is military right? if so then you probably have Tricare prime? That is what we have. You get the first 8 seesions without a referral. Then if the therapist thinks you need additional sessions the fill out a treatment plan form and submit it to them and then tricare will authorize more.
This is what we have done on more than one occasion.
Cali I will be praying for you.

Lori

Oh hunnybunny. Is there no way you can hang in there?

IS there any way that H will consider NC?

I too ahve had those moments but that is what they were moments.

IF hte depression seems to be long lasting.....anti-depressents could really work for you. I took them for awhile & they REALLY worked. I didn't take them forever & am not now. But there was a very distinct periiod of time when they were really needed.

Taek yoru time w/ this. IF this is NOT something that you want to do & neither does H then there has to be a POJA that you can both come to an agreement over to ease teh stress of the situation.

Anything?

try to hang in there.
I prayed for you.

xoxoxox
kt

Tylorsstepmom- I really needed to hear that. I guess I kind of feel like I do need more than 8 and was a little worried that I'd just be left in the wind when its done. KT your right we really need to try and agree on something together especially since this is not truly the avenue either of us want. On a updating note I went to a doctors apt today about the drpression. He perscribed some meds and suggested some other avenues to improve my mood. I'm still a little hesitant about the meds but I'm willing to try. Also we(I) talked w/ CS investigator in MO and she told us what our amount should be. It's not what we were paying, slightly less. I'm not too sure how we're going to deal w/ it all once we go back to the US but I'm sure we'll work it out. Now that we've been forwarned of the cost, we can become forarmed and plann on how to deal w/ it when we return to the states. Thank you everyone for helping me through this moment. I'm still in the mist but I'm starting to see and I haven't even started the meds! LOL Gio you are absolutley right that I need to think about this before we make any permeneant plans. Neither of us want to further complicate things. I'm feeling better now. I'm going out this afternoon to see a movie and maybe take a stroll. Again, Thank you all and PLEASe feel free to offer any suggestions, support or advice they are all greatly wanted, appreciated and needed.

Cali,
I'm so glad the bad moment passed and your Dr helped!! (Separating while overseas would have HUGE ramifications! Be cautious.)

BTW, if you don't feel your counselor is much help, try a new one! Heck, call the Harley line here at MB if you have to... I hear they are well-worth the cost even if you pay out of pocket! Maybe not for 8 sessions, but to get you over rough spot! I've seen (at various times over 16 years), like 9 counselors (some briefly) and each is different... 5 of the ones I've seen were on/through military bases, and only 1 of those were really GOOD, imo, but they were free.

Keep us posted and hang in there!!
J

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 10:21 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

Please don't be afraid to try the meds, if they help what can it hurt? I know I felt a little like you in that I didn't want to take them either. My sister was bi-polar and I did not want to feel crazy like she can be at times. However, now I'm pregnant and can't really take anything. I very much wish that I could because if you slip in so far that the depression becomes so deep it's hard to get out. I would take them now if I wasn't pregnant.

Cali- I am so glad you are feeling a bit better!

Its amazing how good it feels to TAKE ACTION in our lives (ie doctor, cs expert)... checking things off the list of "things to do to improve my life" HELPS SO MUCH.

Can you elaborate on what advice the doc gave for relieving moods, etc? We could all use any extra tips we can get. I can, I know that because I am a real piece of work sometimes- and not very pro-active at times in dealing with it !

I am so glad to hear that you are going to HOLD OFF the separation. I try to advocate NOT separating (unless the A is continuting, etc.) because when I did that--- the OW got pregnant LITERALLY the weekend I did so. It was H at the bar and seeing her (local bar in H's old neighborhood and this was an old friend of H's famly that was THERE).. its a horror story for me of sorts so ALL READING be careful of the separation thing.

take care Cali!! and you better do what your name says <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Cali

I am sorry about your current situation. Unfortunately, I feel your pain. I too was contemplating S with WH. However, I was given sound advice that I should give 100% to rebuilding my M before making this decision...i.e. counseling. I was basically getting fed up and feeling that maybe we needed time apart. I have this image in my head that a S will make WH realize how much I mean to him and how much he wants our M. Also, I was hoping that I would realize how much he meant to me....lately, I can only see the negative attributes of our M. Well, I have decided to do IC instead. I hope that your counseling sessions provide you clarity on the next steps your M should take.

Good Luck!

Gio to be completely honest the Doctor didn't tell me anything you guys had not. His main emphasis was on being proactive and just the whole idea of taking care of myself. I think I'm going to start going to the gym. I think the energy release will do me some good. Hopefully I'll keep with it. I also decide to start volunteering. Last Friday I went to a Spouses leadership conference. I thought it was going to tell me how to be a better military spouse or something and I'd get some brownie points w/ H. Boy was I wrong the seminar was all about me!! And fulfilling my goals and my happiness. Talk about time appropriateness. Anyway while there I was asked to think of a goal I had. I choose event planning. I would absolutely love to be an event planner. It is so much fun anyway everyone in the conference threw out all these ideas about how I could persue my dream while overseas. Afterwards I was asked to take a challenge. I was supposed to contact the base event planner and talk with him about possible shadowing or volunteering opportunities w/in a week. Well I went and talked w/ him and another event planning director and they were really excited about my desire to get into event planning. They are going to check w/ Hr and find out if there's anything specifically that I need to do ie paper work and then I'll be all set to volunteer. I'm so excited because I just know I'm going to gain so much experience. I can't wait!!! I think all in all for me personally to get out of this funk I need to make myself a priority. I totally plan to rock out and enjoy life.

Sorry I know that went a little o/t. anyway the Doctor really spent a lot of time making me feel comfortable w/ taking the meds and letting know that I was ok. He suggested excerise to get up my "endorphins" I think thats what the're called and to try and get back into some of the things I let go.

The excercise really does work. There's been research on this lately and it states that excercise is one way to improve your mood w/o meds. I notice on the days I excercise I feel better emotionally. Although some days (like yesterday) I have to force myself to go, I always feel better when I'm finished. It sounds like you are making some positive steps to get out and work on yourself. I am also trying to do the same types of things. Good luck and keep working on it!

Cali- that is so cool- running into the volunteering out of the blue!

I AM A HUGE ADVOCATE of creative outlets !!!

Event planning is awesome. It will definitely help you to remember YOU and what things YOU CAN DO that are seperate from the pain of your current situation!! CALI YOU NEED A LIFE ASIDE from being a WIFE! WOO HOO !

Projects, projects, projects... that is my BEST "sidetracker" in the world!

Event planning and/or cooking
Painting rooms in bright colors !
Refinishing furniture
Taking photographs

etc...... these are all MOSTLY free activities and the make you feel so good to create nice environments for guests (i.e. events), and a sense of accomplishment. I tell everyone, any chance I get because I am an artist of sorts and THERAPY is in the arts/any form of creativity! You can lose yourself for HOURS when using those creative bones that many dont realize they even have!!

Oh Cali, how wonderful!!! Do for you!!!

The exercise will do you wonders. Ever hear of runners high? Well, it is true! Far better high then you will ever get with any drug or alcohol, and it is so good for you!! Any exercise program will give that to you. A sense of accomplishment, well being and overall self esteem.

The low patch you hit is probably the reality hitting you. The shock has worn off and the sadness may have displaced the anger. Totally normal. Sucks. But normal. By taking time for you and getting involved in your life, it will help YOU. It won't erase what happened, but it will help YOU. And a strong YOU is able to deal better with adversity.

Now, for that counseling. VITAL VITAL VITAL. Did you read this whole site? Everything? Read it again!!! Have your husband read it. Print it up and go through things together. This is will take BOTH of you to work this out.

Knoledge is power!! By knowing what you will face with cs, don't you feel a bit better now? IT wasn't so bad was it?

I am so glad you have seen a doctor. Let him monitor you with the meds, exercise, etc. Educate yourself on depression and how to help yourself get rid of it. Being proactive is so important.