Gioanna,

Posted to Calismile:
"I posted in the past months or so (no concept of time?) about anger, depression, etc oozing out of me when I thought I was over this (for most part).

It has been since July 03 for me and then more crap after a false recovery.. and I still find myself depressed many days and wondering WHY? Why am I so strong and then POOF I'm transformed instantly into the weepy and hopeless creature I thought would not appear again."


I just saw your post to Calismile and I had to reply. I was just thinking about you today and how we had both written to Mrs. Lost about how weird it was that we thought the affair had sort of "saved" the marriage in the long run because of the great changes that can come from the experience.

I was thinking what a nucklehead I am for thinking that!! I am still angry and hurt and some days I feel like I have a wall around my heart to protect myself. But the day that I wrote that.....I truly felt that way!

So, I was thinking about you and if you still had days like that and when does it stop flipping back and forth? Then I saw that you had answered my question without me even asking!

I can have several very good days and I can see clearly all the personal changes my H is making and trying hard to fix his mistake (as much as is possible)and I feel happy and hopeful. And then I have a day where I go straight back to weepy, depressed and sad/mad. I can't believe that there is a child out there that is my H's and OW!!

I know all the steps have to be taken and it is baby steps to recovery, but I desperately want to skip ahead! We have a counselor that I like alot, but I just get sooooo tired.

Is this how it goes for everyone who stays and tries to make it work? Do we ever really get over it?

I'm not sure about others but for me this is the case. I was just writing a note to myself to talk w/ H about maybe doing sometype of journal that he notates things he is doing to help Mrecover so that when I do get in my Trigger, funk, depression whatever I can go look and see these positive things. I'm hoping to talk w/ him when He comes home tonight. I too want to skip ahead far too often and I've truly just began really dealing w/ a/ oc/ ow. I just feel like I should have it together by now. Like I have to or need to pull myself up by the boot straps and deal but I have found that a terribly diffcult task to perform. I pray in time these back and forth emotions will end but in the mean time I'm glade I can come here for support from friends.

LBelle, I almost missed this!

(((huggies and more huggie-boos)))

I think have have nailed down, in my own life, what it is that sets me back into these usually 2-day depressions/crying spells.

1. PMS. I never really "believed" in this hype until I quit taking a depo shot for 10 years - and had no cycle. NOW-- nearly EVERY time I have a weepy spell, BANG here "it" comes the very next day or so. It is a b*tch and it is real- it makes you more unreasonable, sensitive and just SUCKS!!

2. Regular arguments w/H or things that anger me about him seem to find a way SOME DAYS to turn into A/OC blues for me. I tell myself that ALL marriages that are not new-- have days where we do not click w/our husbands- and in fact we may want to choke him. However, it takes a LOT of self control (for me at least) to not let my usual marital woes (hurts, frustrations, fears, disappointments) and turn them into A issues and past hurts. I think a long-term affect of an A is that usual marital problems can get uglier and bigger due to resentment.

3. Resentment/bitterness. No, we are not "bitter" or resentful of our H anymore on a normal day. However we are NOT that far past this! We are not FULLY recovered by ANY means. I am RESURRECTED, and sooooo much better than way back when. (Aren't you, just think about it!!) Resentment and bitterness take a long time to slowly crumble away for good. Mine is there and so is yours UNDER the surface just WAITING to come up- at least mine is still. I surpress it, deal with it- let my light SHINE but I CANNOT skip the hands of time taking this away for good yet-- neither can you! The wall around your heart has been chipped away just a little, right? TIME TIME TIME will heal ALL wounds and remove those WALLS. I am hopeful of that. Please let that be true! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We are not recovered yet in the true sense of the word. Our marriage is in a "state of recovery" but I dont think either of us are fully recovered- do you? I hope not-- because i don't want to dream of myself 4-5-6 years down the line still feeling any depressing days over the A/OC. As long as our H's keep their promises and actions of fidelity ongoing this will go away mostly for good -- I hope and pray at least!!

You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is this how it goes for everyone who stays and tries to make it work? Do we ever really get over it?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it goes this way standardly for a couple or few years. And LB- I think *I* will totally be over it-- YES!!!! I am very vibrant and resilliant naturally and I REFUSE to allow the past control my future. After the mandatory icky HARD years we just went through-- how can we just do all that to give up later?! (if H and M remain in good standing, that is)...

I know you are going to fall right back into the way you felt when you are posting words of strength to others!!

And PLEASE do not feel funny about "acting" so strong and wise and then coming here and saying "I suck now" LOL------BELEIVE ME, if I wasnt juggling this site and work all the time-- I'd be here posting all of my marital woes and insecurities more too. For now I just try to pop in and help those that are where I was when I was a wreck, because I want to give them hope!!!

I do not usually post my problems here ONLY because of the fact that I am so limited and POOF when I have a weepy day POOF they disappear as fast as they come!!!!!!! Yesterday I was sad and weepy too-- today I have sore boobies and I know why everything looked so darned aweful.. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

How are you today-- any better??? Remember, you ARE STRONG and WAY into recovery and as I said- LOOK BACK to the REAL days of sadness and the REAL LBelle when she WAS falling apart. You are getting put back together it just takes more time than we want or think it should !

I am in a 3 day light work cycle- and taking full advantage coming here and posting, can you tell?

Thanks Giovanna and Calismile!
I do feel much better today. I agree.....I am not going to go through all of this and not come out with something much better. Our relationship is looking so much better and we are growing alot. The wall around my heart has definately been unlocked and it is wide open most days now...and then WHAM! The gatekeeper slams it shut and I peer over the top of the wall at what is going on around me.

You are too right about all three types of bad days. Hate PMS! I can usually tell that one, but not always. The resentment and bitterness I still feel does revolve around the affair, but now it is flamed more by old issues that we had in our marriage that I am feeling freer to discuss with him. Some of my anger that comes out is an overreation because of those issues. **I also feel entitles to "act out" somewhat and not hold back. Our C has worked hard on me for me to be able to even do this.....so it is allowed and encouraged.

And I know you are right about just plain old marital disputes. They bring up the A hurt. Our C told me today that the hurt will get better the more my H softens and listens to my feelings. And my H is really trying. It has just been such a foreign thing for him to do that it is taking him time to learn. I also stopped expressing them when I figured out that I couldn't really make him hear me anyway. So I have had to relearn, but also not to be afraid of hurting him or passing on my "bad day" to him. He is supposed to have bad days too!

I really appreciate your support. You make your answers so clear and it makes it seem okay. The REAL sad days were horrible and not like now. We really are into recovery and I am certain (most days) that we will make it and be happy and this will be in the past. I need to remind myself of how far we have come.

Thanks again! I am off on a long planned ski trip with just LADIES! Yeah! We get to stay at a friends house in Mammoth so it won't cost too much.

I hope you all have a great week/weekend!

SO GLAD to hear LB !!!

I wonder-- before you or anyone reading this-- dealt w/A and Oc issues... did you ever SOME days or bad weeks, etc., feel like a. you didnt want to be married anymore; b. did you marry the right guy?; c. do I want to be married at all; d. am I happy in this M?

I did, and I wonder if this is standard for any LTR or Marriage? I mean, I do remember having these crappy days and here there BEFORE A, etc.

My point is that, I think all marriages are stuffed full of their own problems to work out- bad days, crying days, bad weeks, insecurities, uncertainties at times, arent they?

Or am I just a fickle antsy-pantsy busy body independent fuss who should never have gotten married like my friends told me not to?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL

P.S. OFF TO SKI WEEKEND WITH GIRLS??

OOOOOH I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JEALOUS OF YOU!!

I am sooooooooooooooooooo not "allowed" to be away from hubby for barely the time it takes to go to the store. He CANNOT STAND to be away from me or do anything lasting (w/friends) for more than 2 hours.

DID I MENTION how jealous I am???

HAVE FUN FOR ME AND YOU!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />