With current posts I have been thinking about the discussion we will be having with the children in a few months.

I have my ideas about how we should go about this, but was wondering siblings of OC's how they dealt, or with people who have C with OC, how you/your children dealt with the "embarassment" of it.

In my thinking unless children are with us, we have 3 children (not 5). H actually has a 20 year old D ( who was put up for adoption that we now have C with), and will soon have an infant D from A. I believe this is too much info for strangers, so wouldn't bring them up. My friends already know about the facts of our situation, so nothing to explain. But as far as my children, what do you do about what they say? I mean, if someone asks, I'll tell them the truth, but will THEY be embarassed? Will they realize this is NOT the norm? Should I let them know that "people may not understand". I mean I plan to announce her like a new joyous baby who will be part of our family but will not live with us. But will they NOT want me to mention her to strangers or will they feel weird if I don't mention the OC? I guess this is not really an answer that anyone can give me, but if your children have C with the OC, how do you deal with this "oddness" or if you were a sibling of OC, did you deal with shame or embarassment? I think this dealing with C is a newer situation, so don't know how many grown siblings with OC in C there are, but thought I'd throw it out there. Thanks for any insight. I hope I made some sense. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

you're not going to like my answer but here goes:

the only embrassment I feel about the situation, is that my father abandonned his OC. I am embarassed by that. I am embarassed that I don't know my own sibling. That said...I only found out when I was an adult. I have no idea how a child would react. One other thing, even though I was an adult (22), I was left feeling that if my father could so easily turn his back on one child, then he could do it to me as well. Be careful that your children aren't left with that...it isn't fun.

You do realize that there really is no reason to further explain details?

Today there is so much mixing of families - yours, mine, ours, that really no explaination is needed. Also, if people get too nosey for comfort, that's THEIR bad manners, not yours...and is a reflection of THEM and not you or your family.

As for my children, yeah, they realize dad made a mistake. They also love their siblings with all their little hearts....that kind of love knows no boundries. Their little loyalties are with their brothers and sisters. I'd have it no other way.

- Kimmy

If people ask me how many kids we have I just say that between the 2 of us we have 7.

Last night I took my 7 yr old for an assessment appt for counceling (he is adhd with compulsive agressiveness). The councelor was asking if he had any other siblings, zach says I have 3 sisters at my house, a 23 yr old brother who got married and a bigger brother Tylor that lives with his mom in South dakota (Tylor is the OC),I miss him and love him very much. The councelor just said you miss him huh? Zac said yeah, and the councelor went on to the next question.

I wasnt embarassed at all. I didnt do anything to be embarrassed about. That is my H's to own.
I just include him into my family and move on.

Thank you all, I guess I'm worrying about things that don't need to be worried about, I'm doing that a lot lately , worrying that is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Twilight, I think you're answer is fine, and part of the reason we are choosing C with OC.

I just know how this whole thing has such a taboo attached to it. You know, how even your casual friends that know what I'm dealing with right now don't bring it up, (it might be contagious you know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I don't expect the children to be embarassed of the child, but how it came about might be. I know I don't have anything to be embarassed about, but people naturally judge in such a situation.

I guess I think if people ask how many children I have I'll say 3. If it is directed to H and I, we'll say "5 between us", and likely it will get left at that.

This came up recently at a dinner. Someone asked me and I just said 3, with H sitting right next to me. His older D lives out-of-state and we've only seen her once and new baby isn't here yet, so I didn't even think to say anything different. Later I did and asked my H how he felt about my answer. He was fine with it and thought more info would have been "too much info" for that crowd. I agree. Perhaps in the future when the two girls become more integrated into our families we will feel it automatic to include them in "our kids".

I guess I was wondering how the kids would feel about basically divulging that their father had an A everytime they mention their little sister, but perhaps it won't come up as much as I think.

In November we told the kids about their older half-sister and it was strange for them to comprehend. We had to talk about how Daddy did something wrong there too (ex-girlfriend had baby at age 16, the whole premarital sex thing). They understood it as well as they could at such young ages, but I don't think I've heard them mention her much to anyone since. She isn't really a part of their daily lives as of yet (she's moving closer to us soon), so perhaps that's why. We talk about her and to her on the phone, but they're usually not that interested, like "so, we have a big sister, whatever, what does that mean to me?". Like I said, it's probably just because they've only seen her once.

Anyway, I do remember my 8 year old telling his older cousin about her right after we visited with her. They saw a picture of her and my son said, "Yaeh, that's my half-sister, my Dad made her!" His 13 year old cousin and I both laughed and were like, yep! he did! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thanks for the input. I guess we'll just go with the flow and someday this will all be "normal" for us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh, I think I need to mention that my H had first D when he and ex-gilrfriend were both 16 and basically that's why theu gave her up for adoption. It wasn't an A thing or anything. She has met H and her mother and seems to be fine with why they gave her up. The grandparents weren't interested in raising this baby and they were too young to do it themselves, financially or mentally and were not still a couple when they found out GF was pregnant. Anyway, daughter has a loving family and probably would be so well-adjusted had those 2 teenagers tried to raise her somehow. I'm sure it hurts in ways, but H is SO happy to be able to be in her life now and they are mending those wounds that have occured because of the situation. 'nough said. Just in case anyone was wondering. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Kimmie--- my son is also 15 and the one I am most scared to death about telling. My H is his stepfather and I already had the "cheating" talk with him because he said he hated my H when we were separated, for doing that to me... etc.

He loved my H and got along famously before all of this.. and now is back to normal-- they are good buds.

Do you think it may be better to let my H and son have a "man to man" without me?

Do you or anyone else think that having mom there may make him get more dramatic-- if you know what I mean? Like I said-they are good buds???

I think my son will be mortified if anyone knows-- I know him that well. He will not feel he is missing anything or whatever, because he is in the pre-teen selfish age - and has "warned" me over and over that he will "move in w/dad" if I dare have a baby........!

Ugh Kimmy bottom line is--- how did your son react at 15m and who spoke-- you or H ???

G123 - I understand why you are so worried about telling the kids.

I don't have a teen and am not sure how differently he would react, but I would think it would be better if both you and your H talk to him, but maybe let you H do most of the talking. I think he needs to know that your H is not going to hurt you again - and he needs to hear that from your H. But I think he also needs to see that the two of you are together and that that will not change because of the OC.

IMHO, I think finding out about the A was harder than the OC. The A was what caused the hurt and the betrayal - the OC is a result of the original offense. He probably will be hurt and angry at first, but if he sees you dealing with it and that you still love your H - then he will still be best buds with him. Does that make sense? If Mom can handle it, so will he, eventually. I think you can expect some rough times, but it sounds like he bounced back from the news of the A. I think he will handle this too. Have faith in your son!! He will see the example you are showing of the power of love and forgiveness. It didn't happen overnight for you - but you made it! He will see that and he will learn from your fine example.

Hoped this helped a little.

Good luck to you!

Kris

My h seems to think that I should have told my daugther that oc is her brother and left it at that. He felt that kids need to stay as innocent as possible and that the oldest didn't need to know of the affair. I felt that it was important to answer her questions because she is of age to understand that oc has different mommy than her and is the same age as H and I's 1 yr old. So kids start wondering how is that possible. I think she is still a little bit confused because her paternal father has two children of his marriage and one other one with another lady. She has a brother and sister's everywhere but does gets confused as to the relationship. I try to stay off the subject. I don't think there is a real answer to the question that's right or wrong, but in today's world it shouldn't cause too much trouble as families are more integrated than not. Traditional families are mostly of the past and we make the families we come faced with work for us.

Even though we are no longer in C, if anyone asks H how many children he has, he will answer "4" (that includes OC). He does not go into details w/ strangers or aquaintances.

If I am alone & someone asks me, I say "3" & maybe I'll say & H has another dd. Most people don't ask for details. Sometimes someone might ask how old "his" dd is but then the questions will stop. And I don't make a big deal out of it. Most people will take their cues from you.

Our oldest (currently 12) was 'uncomfortable' when people started to question him about his 'sister'. He would just refer them to me. He didn't know what to say. I told him to say the truth, 'sister has a different mom' & that's it. Otherwise refer them to ME or dad. NO need to make him uncomfortable about it.

Our younger 2, always tell people they have a 'sister'. Like the nurses, pediatricians or people @ the grocery store.LOL It's general conversation for them. People say, 'oh is this your sister?' & they respond & also add that they have another sister. LOL

And yes, like someone else said, there are so many 'blended' families now, it's no big deal. I figure a lot of people think my kids are from 2 different relationships as it is becuase of the age gap! (12,4.5,2.5) kwim?

And.......I strongly suggest to ASK your kids. When C begins, ask them what they want to tell people. Don't mention the word embarrassed. But, since you are beginning C while OC is a baby, I suspect, like most kids, they will fall in love w/ OC from the start............well @ least until they witness diaper duty! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> LOL

take care,
kt

Thanks KT, that was helpful. Now I know what to expect more and maybe if I just keep it open for conversation we can talk about it.

I guess I am dreading when they tell thier teachers, the pediatrician, friends, because they all know me and I was NOT pregnant and for all they know nothing's been "up" with H and I. I can just see the looks on their faces now...sister? Wait til the preschool teacher calls about my 3 yr old who's fantasizing about a baby sister LOL. oh well, I'll get there when I get there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Gio123,

My son was 20 when I found out.He had just moved out of the house, a couple of hours away. I would talk to him on the phone but didnt see him to much. He could tell something was going on. I tried to get him to come home so I could tell him, but he wouldnt do it. So I finally told him over the phone. (my H is his stepdad as well). At first he was really angry. He came home that week end and my H asked my son if he could talk to him in private. They went outside and talked. I dont know exactly what was said but I think it helped.
Their relationship is back to where it was. Like it never skipped a beat. (to bad my heart isnt the same).
my son has called and talked to Tylor a couple of times. He just seems to be interested in other things.

Lori

It's not the HARDEST conversation in the world! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

IT was MUCH more embarrassing when I had to go to the doc after finding out about A & ASK for a round of STD testing because H had cheated! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ugh!

kwim?

IF I do end up explaining about OC origins people are mostly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> then they start giving me all kind of compliments on what a STRONG woman I am! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> LOL

You'll probably go through that too!

I give all the credit to God! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

xoxoxoxo
kt

I hope you don't mind me jumping in, but I will.. I think that the kids will take their cues from you as to how to behave/react/act towards the OC, and about the OC. If you tell them about it and are embarassed about it and don't want to answer all their questions (age appropriate) they will sense that you are embarassed, and that they should be too. kwim? I hope this makes sense. .

HI KT, For some reason I wasn't embarassed at all about the STD thing. Maybe cause it was a doc and I figured she's heard this kind of thing before. Funny thing in my situation, turned out that I did have herpes, but that I had gotten it years earlier. They have special tests that can tell if it's a recent exposure or past exposure. H or I probably had it premarriage as neither of us was very "safe" with sex, though I was always on the birth control pill. Neither of us has ever had a break out and according to the doc 90% of people who have it don't know they do for this reason. Anyway, the OW has it, so likely WE gave it to her. I say in jest of course, good! Now you get to live with something that I gave YOU that you didn't ask for for the rest of your life too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

JoshMOM, I agree with what you say...but I AM embarassed for my H. And I have to deal with the judgements from other people. What makes me mad about OW is that no one ever has to know the father of their child is a MM. The only people who have to know are their friends and maybe neighbors, but anyone else doesn't have to know a thing. I know in time I will get over the embarassment part, but I'm sorry, I just think the BS carries the biggest burden in dealing with all this and she didn't even cause it. Maybe I'll feel different in time...

The OW in my situation is a middle school teacher and I'm sure no one there is the wiser. They probably just think she had some idiot bf who broke up with her when he found out she was pregnant. Where are her lifelong consequences??? Besides a baby she always wanted anyway. I'm sure this isn't how she planned things, but hey, it could be worse. She'll have plenty of financial help from us and hey, she gets every other weekend free! What do I get? Sorry! still bitter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I totally understand you, and where you're coming from. People ask me about Josh's father, and it's hard to answer sometimes. Yeah, it'd be real easy to paint him as a loser that walked out on me, but then that would be lying, and I've done enough of that in my life, I don't need to continue it - let alone have someone repeat it in front of him. I just say he's not around, and if someone pushes (which, surprisingly, people do) I say that he didn't want anything to do with him.
And I agree that you have more of the burden of explanation on you. I'm sorry for that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I think that it sucks.

coldday,

I agree that kids mostly take their cues from mom. But don't fake too much happiness either, kwim? Yours are so young they'll probably just be happy about meeting a baby and not understand the ramifications. As they get older can you explain what was wrong about it. Hopefully you won't have to sheild them too much from other Dumb Adult Comments.

My kids haven't felt any embarrassing moments b/c: 1)we just moved to the area so most people don't know us, and 2)homeschooling reduces the opportunities for embarrassment, and 3)I made a point of telling friends/relatives at Christmas so they won't act shocked when my kids talk about OC.

I was also able to compare it to my half-sibs from grandma's other marriage, and they know other blended families.

Only a few times people realize my dau and my step-daughter are the same age, and most aren't bold enough to ask why. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Although I'm a bit nervous and embarrassed, it's actually funny at this point watching someone try to figure it out.

Best wishes,
J
3 kids+visitation w/OC

Just to chime in here and let you know 2 of my children knew of the OC before I did and were humiliated and hated there father.

They are still embarrased that the child exists and they get that from thier father I think. I dont know what to do about it. I just dont say anything about it in front of other people but my husband and i still argue about things concerning that situation. The children if home get mad at us for mentioning it. They say isnt it bad enough cant we just forget it happened.

So I have teenager, and middle school, and grade school children to deal with..... All feel like their family is ruined, and refuse to go to couseling because "then someone else would know about this mess" They think enough people know already and are stressed out about it.

I try to explain to them the only one that is at fault is thier father and not to carry the burden of his shame. They refuse to say anything about it and blame everyong one else and anything else but My Husband, I think that is how they cope. I must say they had great grades till they found out about this then its all been down hill since. just my personal experience.

Well, I think it also depends on how old the kids are. And if you said to them outright "you do not need to bear the burden of his shame", well what's a kid going to think? Obviously what he did WAS shameful, but for a kid to hear that just seals it. Kids are VERY succeptible to suggestion - you say you hate something, they hate it. You say you like something - they like it. You say that something is shameful or embarassing - well they take it and run with it.
JMO...

I think, generally, (of course not all), older BC have a harder time w/ it because they understand more of it & more about it being 'wrong'.

I agree w/ the kids taking their cues from parents TO A POINT. Because there is a time when the kids separate their own opinions from their parents & decide for themselves how to react & what to think. Otherwise, you can blame EVERY parent when a child gets upset. Each child is different w/ differnet stress levels.

Some people can blame ME for my oldest's reaction & resulting behavior regarding C w/ OC but then what about the younger 2 who were OK w/ it? OR how to explain OC acting fine, normal & happy w/ us but OW claiming OC was having 'emotional breakdowns' w/ her?

Their own personalities WILL show through. That is why I think it is best to keep communicating about it, whatever side you are on, & keep an eye on YOUR kids, for any signs of stress or trouble & decide before hand, how you will handle it. kwim?

xoxoxoxo
kt