edited by claudia103<p>[This message has been edited by Claudia103 (edited March 12, 2000).]

Welcome Claudia. <P>I am glad that you "made your way over" to this board, I am sure that you will gain much more given your situation than on the other one. (I am still not glad for the reasons that brought you here though! ).<P>Please read all that you can and ask all that you want to. The people here are caring, compassionate and able to offer you a variety of perspectives (both the betrayed, the betrayers and those who have been on both sides). The insight you will get can be very encouraging. The realities while discouraging at times are opportunities to learn and act.<P>NSR (Jim) should be along at some time to offer you his warm welcome.<P>Remember that weekends are often slow and that only YOU know what applies to your situation and what doesn't. Your personal insight and the life you have had and want to have will be the filters for all you read. Be open minded <P>Almost forgot - as a little sidenote: It is helpful to others if you separate your posts into paragraphs. It can also help generate more response since some people find it overwhelming to look at a post as one long page (I know, picky, picky hey - none of us are without our idiosyncrasies). Thanks.<P>Cheers!<BR>Lisa<P>[This message has been edited by LisaM (edited February 16, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by LisaM (edited February 16, 2000).]

Welcome <B>Claudia103</B>...<P>Just a word or two...<BR>Long posts are OK... but it you must... next time break it up into shorter paragraphs. <P>Read the information in the "link" below...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>After you have read the information...<P>Start immediately on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR><B>Read and try an understand all of it</B>!<P>If you don't get it... Post questions!<P>I'm praying for you... <BR>It's going to be a rough road ahead...<BR>...but fortunately... there is a "family" here who understands... and is willing to help.<P>Jim

Ill remember to keep is short. I'm overloaded with thoughts. I am trying plan A even as I write this. <BR>I feel stronger every day. But I am angry inside because the damage is being done to our kids now. <BR>I'm having difficulty bcause they did not see it coming just like I did not see it coming.<BR>He is angry at me and blames me for his unhappiness yet he lied to me by telling me that he loved me and he never told me anything was bothering him.

i have been amazed at how I keep reading my story over and over in other ppls. words. Now he is home but he says he still doesn't love me, he doesn't touch me, not even to reach for my hand, my biggest fear is as long as he keeps pushing me away his feelings for lust for her will grow stronger and his little sparks for me will completely fade, I'm trying really hard to give it all over to God but sometimes it's easier said than done keep us in your prayers

Claudia,<BR>I'm reading a book and it syas there atre three stages in "growing up." These stages can happen at any time and and can reoccurr.<P>The first is the Shell, this is when we do everything we were told or taught as you described your H.<P>The second stage is Rebellion, when the person goes againsta everything they were told or taught. This sounds like the stage your H and my x are in. My xonce told me sometimes you just have to do something crazy. I assumed that to mean buy a 2 seat sports car when you have 2 kids or dye your hair a differnt color. She ment living with a married man!<P>The third stage is love, when everything you do is for someone else! <P>It was not stated how long these stages last, but did say they could return.<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

I guess I was foolishly in the love stage. Why is it that some people continually look outside of themselves for things/people to blame their unhappiness on and to make themselves happy. When my h told me that he wanted to learn and travel and I didn't I told him that when he is facing his death it will not be the places he has been or the books he has read that will have been the most important it will be the way he has loved. As far as I'm concerned he's giving up the closest thing he'll find as the meaning of life --me and his children.

Claudia,<BR>I am very sorry to that you are going through all of this. But you have come to a good place to find help. Although my children are older 24 and 21 we are going throught the same thing. I feel that the fact that he is not living with this person is a good sign for you. There are quite a few good books out on midlife crisis. One is by Sally Conway and Jim Conway In fact they have several books out that deal with affairs and mates wanting out. <P>Ther are a few of us you are going through the same thing. You might want to go to the read only post and searching for topics on mid life crisis. Maybe reading those post will help you understand things a little better.<P>I know how much you hurt. My H is going through the same thing exxcept he left to live with his OW he is "In Love" He has changed a lot like he is looking for his lost youth. Like you I didn't know we were having problems at least not any that would cause him to have an affair. I know I am rambling but we seem to do that alot because one of the side affect that affect us is lack of being able to keep our thought s together. That is normal for the stress we are going through. <P>I can only imagine how hard it is on your children being as young as they are. My grandchild is almost four and he can not understand where his grandfather went. <P>Just want you know that you aren't alone and if you want to talk you can email me at diseiler@hotmail.com <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi Claudia,<BR>My situtation is so similar to yours. I have not posted on this forum for months, I stopped due to lack of time. However, I always check in and your story hit so close to home. I don't want to scare you with my story, only share what I have been through and let you know you are not alone.<P>One year ago my husband suddenly admitted being unhappy and told me about this "miserable" marriage we had. It was such a shock, we were college sweethearts, I thought we had an envious loving relationship.<P>According to him, we had never been in love, it was all a lie. Only to please his parents, his friends, who knows but we married for any reason other than being in love. We supposedly had a "loveless" marriage.<P>I now realize that our marriage needed serious attention, that I had taken him for granted, but there was never anything seriously wrong. I thought we had everything going for us. Two great kids, a happy family and parents that really cared for each other. In the end it didn't mattter. He needed passion and admiration, something that wasn't really happening in our busy lives.<P>He now lives with OW and our divorce will be final in about 2 weeks. I have struggled this last year, knowing that if we had only tried our marriage could be wonderful. We were best friends and truely enjoyed each other! He had needs beyond that which I was not aware of.<P>I'm not sure what else to say. I somehow have made peace with the situation. I am starting to think about new relationships, but in the back of my mind I still wish it could have worked out. My children are dealing with everthing, but just last night my 5 year old daughter said "Mom, I wished Dad still lived with us, I miss him". All I can say is "Me too". <P>I hope your situation works out, but <BR>if not realize you are not alone, you are not to blame and many of us understand what you are going through.<P>Good luck,<BR>Gwen<p>[This message has been edited by gwen (edited February 17, 2000).]

Thanks for your replys. On the contrary, they do not scare me, they make me feel better. You know, doesn't everyone want to feel the passion you feel in the first 6 months of a relationship? Aren't two people responsible for at least discussing what to do about it if its not the same. <BR>My husband can say anything he wants about his "miserable" marraige. We all have issues, it's how we deal with them. I guess he may indeed find out that "the grass is greener on the other side" but I suspect he would be the first.<BR>How can we teach our children to not cop out when the going gets tough??<BR>HEre is a poem by my 10 year old daughter<BR>Blue is the color of the soft sky floating amongst the air.<BR>Blue is the eye of the world, seeing everything around it.<BR>Blue is the purest water, the fountain of life.<BR>Blue is the sadness that all of us feel.<BR>Blue is a color that is soft, emotional and beautiful<BR>the hope, the desire, the saddest moment.