Yup, that is right.<P>I have a feeling this is going to be a new episode in my life.<P>It is a really long story, but to give you an idea what the history is:<P>I have 2 SD. One has been with us for 2 years, she is now 16, and I can't handle it. She moved from CA to live with her dad in MN.<P>The other SD is 20, and moved out here last October from CA. I've already called the police on her, and she doesn't live with us.<P>My H's X has never lived outside of So CA, except for 6 weeks in Montana. She has no ties to MN whatsoever, except her daughters, who are probably not here permanently, because they always go back and forth between Mom and Dad. <P>Now, X has always been regretful for her affairs that caused their divorce. (H cheated on her also, but it was her last affair that was the last straw.) After my husband decided to divorce the X, we met. We did not have a relationship built on lies or deceit, but - the brevity of our relationship - and the brevity of our marriage, was not so great - because H and the X and the kids did not have a healing time before having to adjust to all of this mess.<P>X has taught her daughters that I was the reason the marriage ended. X openly admits she still loves my H, and wishes she never screwed around on him. She is remarried, and has 2 more children, but she blatantly lets people know that she still would go back to her first husband, (my H). <P>Now, she has talked her 2nd H into moving to MN. He knows no one, except us. I am always friendly with them both, the X and her husband, - but, they aren't exactly trustworthy people, nor do I like them very much. I certainly do not want them moving into our town of 152!!! YUCK YUCK YUCK<P>DOUBLE YUCK<P>But, it may get the SD that I can't stand out of my house. Of course, my husband knew about this, and didn't even bother to tell me anything.<P>The other thing, is that X has been calling my H at work, regularly, and my husband has been calling her....<P>How do I know? Because he will mention something to someone else about her - or whatever, and I know for a fact that he doesn't call from home. So, what the heck is going on here?<P>uggghhhh...<P><BR>I'm afraid this new event is something you guys are going to have to hear about for a while.....<P>help!<BR>

This may be the straw that breaks the camel's back for me. I haven't emptied my plate of the garbage I've gone through in the last few years with my husband, I'm not interested in dealing with a little snake for an X-wife - and her kids. <P>I'm going to have to tell my husband that I will tolerate his daughter for a while longer, because she isn't that far off from moving out. 2 more years MAX. But, I will not deal with his X wife moving here. He is going to have to call her and tell her IN FRONT OF ME that he does not want her around, and that she better stay the heck away from us. <P>Is that a disrespectful judgement? A demand?<P>I'm not going through this one with him. I am not going to do it.<P>tnt

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{trustntruth}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I have no advice for you other than, Hang in there and PLAN A PLAN A PLAN A ... I will be praying for you. <P>Keo

TNT<BR>That sucks! (XW gets my gag icon)<P>Remember that book I read on perspectives? <BR>Maybe if she's closer, your H will remember the real her. If she is visible then she will be real. When they just talk on the phone occasionally, there are no problems.<P>Try that perspective. You know my H's relationship with the bimbo was mostly phone conversations all those years. He didn't get to see the real her. Maybe this could be used to your advantage.<P>It still sucks!<BR>

Thanks Keosha for the hugs.<P>This little girl isn't going to plan A through this one. I'm just not going to do it. This will be it for me, if he doesn't establish boundaries that feel good for me, then I am not going to continue on. <P>uggghhh.

Thanks WS.<P>This town is too small to be dealing with this situation. I am not going to do it.<P>YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK

I guess there is still a glimmer of hope....<P>I received an email from him, for the first time, a week ago Monday. He wrote about commitment, and taking baby steps, and working towards getting that passion back. <P>And, he's been trying to do little things that are affectionate, like - giving me flowers on Valentines Day. And also, he is working at trying to be truthful, which is the biggest one yet. He still has a ways to go, but there is hope.<P>WS - You are right, seeing her in action (in person) maybe can be a turnoff. I just don't think I want to add that to my plate. I really think that if this turns out to be a problem, that I am going to call it quits. I don't know, but I've been mulling this over, now since I ease dropped on Valentines Day, and I found out this morning that my husband has known about this. I mentioned it to him on Monday night, while we were driving to my daughters house dropping off flowers for Valentines Day. (His idea, by the way so he got a love unit for that.) But, he acted as if it was the first he heard of it... and told me he didn't want to discuss it. I dropped it then.<P>Now, I find, that he's known, and has discussed it with others - as well, so it isn't that he didn't want to discuss it, it is that he doesn't want to discuss it with me. <P>Also, I'm 99% sure that he went to pizza last night with friends from work... but, I also know that yesterday was OW's birthday. Her mother lives across the street, and she was there visiting her mother until my husband called to let me know he was going to pizza. <P>I told my husband last night when I went to bed that I knew it was OW's birthday. He asked me how I knew, and that he was glad he didn't remember things like that. I never commented again, and I wasn't offensive. But, if he only had an "almost mistake", how could he make the comment about "glad I never remember things like that?".... Like he knew once? Like, perhaps their relationship was more significant than what he ever told me? I'm sure it was more significant. <P>I guess what I am feeling - is that things still do not add up, and he still isn't quite trustworthy, although he is showing signs of progress.<P>TNT

TNT,<P>My heart goes out to you, can I give you a cyber hug (((((((TNT)))))))).<P>I've been encouraged so much by your words and your progress. I'm sorry that H doesn't understand the need for complete honesty yet. <P>I read in your posts several times that you "dropped it" or didn't discuss it further. I'm wondering it that is the best thing to do. I think you need to hold him accountable for everything he says. No harping, no haranging, but stay with him until you know you've gotten to the bottom of it. Hold him to his promises that he's made to you about your relationship. Tell him that you feel threatened by OW, that's honest and real. If he respects you and wants to honor is commitment to you, then he will honor your requests for open communication about her.<BR>Hang in there, don't give up! Your too close to victory.<P>I'll be praying for you.<P>------------------<BR>Fear God and you will have nothing else to fear<P>Hosea 3

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{TNT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Want to re-read your post to me that God always prefers reconciliation? I understand totally the feeling of "Now this I cannot do."<P>Lor

I just had another thought that meant to share with you.<P>You might not like this one though.<P>trustntruth...Trust In Truth. Great words, hard concept.<P>Were you being truthful or honest when you were eavesdropping? How can you expect your husband to be totally honest? I'm not meaning to beat you up too much, you know what I did over Christmas, :-) and I'm not saying that I would have avoided the temptation to eavesdrop even now either, it certainly is understandable given the uncertainties. However, is it a double standard, is it asking him to tell you everything, when we aren't willing to tell everything?<P>God loves you TNT, and He will honor your faithfulness, I know He will.<P>------------------<BR>Fear God and you will have nothing else to fear<P>Hosea 3

Lor - I know.... See my post on the women's bible forum. This is gonna be a tough one for me. Uggghhh....<P>Repenting - I can't hold him accountable to keep the conversation going, because he will get angry. When he says he doesn't want to discuss something, I know to shut up. If I don't I will definitely have reasons to suffer. No, that isn't right, but that is how it is.<P>And you are right about my name. It is the meaning behind my name. Trust goes hand in hand with truth. And I know Who the truth is, and that is where I need to put my trust.<P>SD got suspended last week. She just twisted things around so that it was my fault that she doesn't have her homework. (Never mind that she stayed out all night again last night and didn't get home until 2pm today.) Called her dad at work, whining about me... I overheard that conversation. (She doesn't try to hide what she is saying, out right says it.) <P>I called him back to give him the truth. He told me he was so busy at work, he didn't have time to discuss things about home. I called back about 10 minutes later, and he had left work for the day.<P>He had left work to drive 1 hour to her school to pick up her homework. This is the kinda stuff I put up with day in and day out. <P>Oh, well, you guys know all about those problems.<P>But he lied again. He is getting better, but he chooses lying over telling the truth as a natural reaction. He has to plan to be truthful. <P>Lor, I know what I wrote to you is right. And it is right for me, too. God give us the strength.<P>TNT

You are right. Ease dropping isn't honest either. I know when SD was talking it wasn't meant to be a secret, especially she knew her dad knew. But I did quiet up a bit so I could hear the details. I know that isn't honest, either.<P>uggghh.

If I ever marry again, and my wife says she will only tolerate my daughters for some period of time or talks disrespectfully about them, I would bounce her out the door faster than a liquor store cashes welfare checks.

nonpulsed,<P>I sure hope your kids don't turn out like my stepdaughters have. I really do.<P>TNT

TNT,<P>I hope you didn't think I was hitting you too hard. I can't imagine the situation that you have. A SD that is out of control, a H who makes little attempt to control her or discipline her and a H who is still having trouble being honest with you.<P>I'm wondering if you could gently, without beating him up, but firmly call him on his dishonesty. I mean when you know he has been dishonest, I wonder what would happen if you just acknowledged that dishonesty had occured. Tell him that you forgive him and leave it alone. If you did that time and time again, what would happen? By the same token, maybe even more importantly is reward him when you see him being honest, particulary when the situation would naturally be difficult for him to be honest about.<P>I was reminded to study 1 Corinthians 13 over and over again, to model the love that Christ has for the church.<P>I'm pulling for you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Fear God and you will have nothing else to fear<P>Hosea 3

tnt,<P>Just have to say that I can equate with what you're going through somewhat. I don't have stepdaughter's to contend with like you do (and I've read what they've put you through, my heart goes out to you), but I'm dealing with a spouse who lies, and I try to figure out why he does this, when the lies seem so insignificant at times. Other times not so insignificant.<P>I know that I need to make our marriage an environment where he doesn't have to feel uneasy to tell me the truth. In the past, I've punished him for telling me the truth because the truth hurt! So I'm really trying to work on that one. But he's told me pointblank, "If I tell a lie, it's not going to be one that affects the marriage, so don't worry." Yeah, right. <P>Just wanted to let you know I can empathize with ya.

TnT....<BR>No advice, just hugs, thoughts & prayers!<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{TNT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>B<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Repenting,<P>You have some good questions. I do let him know when I know that he has lied. I told him that I realize that he is avoiding conflict when he lies, but ask him if he realizes that it does not help our relationship or my feelings toward him when I realize that he has lied. And when he tells me the truth, I tell him thank you, that I appreciate him telling me the truth, because I know that he is having to choose the truth, when it is easier for him to lie.<P>He's starting to understand, but it is definitely slow, and there are setbacks. I guess little signs of continued progress are there all the time. <P>We have talked about how he feels, how he feels like threre is so much pressure on him. I was able to relate it back to him telling people what they want to hear, vs. telling people how he feels, and when he is trying to please people - then he sends a mixed message - and ends up frustrating himself. <P>You are right about working on the love, because if there is work being made on the lovebank, and that bank feels full, then you can overlook so many imperfections.<P>Conner, I'm glad you remember what I have been through with the SD's. It is a real struggle. I keep saying "Someday they may grow up, and this will only be a bad memory". Thank the Lord I don't have to go through this forever. I guess that is what keeps me hanging on.<P>Butterfly, I hope you are okay. God Bless You.<P>TNT