I just recently registered for the BB but I have been reading everything on the MB site and reading the articles on the BB since Nov. 99. I'm new to the posting stuff so please excuse me if I violate any "rules."<BR>My story is a long one which seems like it could be a perfect episode (or two) for a soap opera. You can read my bio for some of the details. To make a long story a bit shorter: I knew my wife was having an affair in October of 99. She just revealed to me on<BR>Feb. 13 that she was having an "emotional affair." I have doing Plan A since I first read things on this site (about Nov. 99)<BR>My question is: I have been struggling with whether or not I should confront the OM.<BR>Do I call him and ask him to stay away from my wife? Would it do any good to let him<BR>know that this relationship is hurting me and that there is a person on the other side?<BR> Any help and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!<BR> Looking forward to hearing your responses.<BR> Doug<P>------------------<BR>Don't give up...don't ever give up!" --Jimmy Valvano

Surely the OM knows she is married?<BR>I would vote no in confronting him, worst case, he will tell her and you will end up the "bad guy" Don't give her a reason to "hate" you. I am sure he knows she is married and if they are still in contact is probably going on what your wife is saying.<P>Here is a link to a similar question that had some great repies:<P> Anyone made contact w/OP? <P>*if that didn't link it is on the second page, posted by going to make it.^<P>Good luck,<P>Cat

Agreeing w/ Cat for a change. Her OM was my best friend. I confronted him several times, told him how much he was hurting me and my family and each time you do it, it will get back to your W. Whether it makes you the bad guy or not, its not really worth it. If he knows she's married, he still obviously doesn't care about you, so why bother. One thing I've learned through all of this is you can't teach or lecture or try to guilt people. I still do but am getting better All you can do right now is Plan A. Make you the better alternative for your wife, work on you. Make yourself happy in spite of what is going on. She will notice, although she won't say anything and may in fact move farther away from you. Just keep plugging away, the best you can. If you slip up, get right back up and try again. Come here for support, post and read as much as you can. It helps a lot. Be cool. <P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Thanks for the responses!!!<P>I was kind of thinking along the same lines, but the anger kicks in every once in a while and I feel like I need to do something.<P>The OM definitely knows that my wife is married. <P>I wish my W could read some of these letters...it really helps to know that there are other people with similar problems. <P>Any thoughts on asking her to read some of these???? Would I be pushing too much???<P>Thanks Again!<BR>Doug<BR><P>------------------<BR>Don't give up...don't ever give up!" --Jimmy Valvano

KindaBlue,<P>Another point of view...<P>I did end up confronting my W's OM (via email). I didn't want it to be said that I never even made my objections known to him. But I did it without name calling, etc. I simply quoted his own offensive words (from on-line chats that I had discovered) and asked him to leave my wife alone.<P>I know you're wondering.......<P>Of course it didn't work! But it was worth doing because I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I hadn't done something.<P>If you do it be civil. Don't make any threats - that can get you in trouble with the law. Just be polite and impose on his "honor" as a gentleman to leave your wife alone.<P>Good luck

hmm....<BR>well you can tell her you found a forum to help you deal with, but then realize she is going to read all your posts.<P>Has she read His Needs Her Needs or Surviving an Affair?<P>I am guessing (if she is nosey like me) if you mention it she will read it. I imagine she will be shocked to find other betrayers feel the same way she is feeling, the emotions she has towards the other man. Even if she can not relate fully, there will be similarities that will make her think twice about her "perfect relationship".<P>Is she still in contact with him?<P>I dont' think you can *make* her read, but if you are talking and you begin mentioning the support you are getting I am betting curiousity will get the best of her, and we all know how addicting it can be reading here.<P>my two cents.<P>Cat

Kinda Blue,<BR>I talked to the OW after she called our house. I was civil, tried to reason with her, but of course it didn't work. She only saw things from her point of view. It did make me feel better though in some weird way. And, I made sure my H knew I was doing it. You can try it but expect him to give you any satisfaction.

I hope you read what everyone told me in "anyone made contact w/op". YOU KNOW I FELT EXACTLY THE WAY YOU DO. However, while I was driving this morning and saw yet another of OWs type of car (it seems the entire world is flooded with them now) instead of wanting to ram it like usual, I actually laughed. I'm even letting her get to me by seeing these cars! Good Lord! I made the mistake of allowing her to be in my past - BUT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I am the only one allowing her to still be part of my present and I've decided.... I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF HER! By me writing her a letter it would only reinerate my insecurities and I want her to have no part of it. I will walk in strong and proud to his office with my head high and NEVER let her think she has any power over me again. BE STRONG.<P>------------------<BR>

I did make contact with the OW and she laughed at me and told me how much in love her and my husband were and I should be the one to let go so he could be happy, and this only made me more angry, I want to smash her head in at first and sometimes the anger does come ack, but know I pray for her. I fif all the classic things sent her nasty emails, threatened her, ect.. it did no good she is as determined as I am. I finally relealized I have the strongest power on my side if I tap into it, and that is prayer.

I agree with everyone on this page. When you let the op fill your thoughts and get you down, you give up so much of your own power and energy to them. That's just what they want! Don't do it! Think positive, work on yourself and your relationship and put your power where it will do the most good. Good luck to us all.