Hello All,<P>I am sure some of you have little idea of who I am. My husband and I had posted here quite a bit a couple months ago but have slowed down a lot. I have been lurking and replying though so some of you may recogonize me. Although Arik is still at home he must have continuing contact with the OW through work. We had discussed this on numerous occassions and had come to the understanding that work contact was okay but any other contact would bother me. He has completely disregarded my feelings on this issue. He has openly discussed our marriage and her marriage with the OW, he receives personal emails from her at home and at work as well as emails from her best friend. I am so tired of being hurt and disregarded by Arik. <BR>When I began this post he came in and we discussed it again, we came to an understanding that he would no longer discuss marital situations with her but I am so unsure of his word. I don't want to continue to be hurt again. I want a true marriage with a true commitment again, I can feel so much resentment growing in me because of his lack of understanding to the pain that he is putting me through. He really doesn't see it, he believes that it is truly not that big of an issue and I should just let it go.<BR>One thing that bothers me is the fact that he discounts the Harley principals that relate to what he should be doing as extreme or overboard but expects me to create a completely safe environment for him here. One where he feels trusted and unthreatened but also unchallenged.<BR>He vowed to be faithful and he wasn't; he vowed to protect me but he is the one that hurts me.<BR>I know for those of you who know me it would seem that I have fallen off my Plan A bandwagon and I guess for the most part I have. I have been extremely emotional, and have not made it "safe" or "comfortable" for Arik to be home but I have felt so "unsafe" for so long that it has gotten overwhelming. <BR>Thank-you all in advance for your support and responses. You have always been honest and fair, even when I have needed a good shake to get me back on track<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Nicole, <BR>MONDO HUG!!!!!!!!<P>I will say a special prayer for you guys. I know the feeling of wanting to give up from time to time. We are playing the friend game here. She is commmunicating with me about things she used to but there still is no real closeness. However, I am counting on her faollowing suit with being intimate with her male friends. Maybe we can get back on track. God keeps telling me to stay. I'm still here because He wants me here and because I want to be here. The pain is unbearable sometimes. I'm up from a few days ago.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

May God give you incredible strength, comfort and faith.<P>God Bless You,<BR>TNT

Hi Nicole...<P>I did just respond to Arik's post as well.<P>I too agree... you need to keep up with the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> efforts... at least for some more time...<P>...but...<P>...I think you know it...<BR>...and Arik must as well... you will need to prepare for your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>...<P>It's clear... based on your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> failings and the duration of the abuse you suffer with his contact with the OW... it(<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>) cannot go on forever...<P>...before you do go to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... work on delivery a "stellar" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>then... call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A>... and gauge your movement towards <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>. You can't go so far as to lose <B>all</B> your love for Arik! I know you love him now... as do we(in a different way)... and keeping some of that love around for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> is important.<P>My heart goes out to you... <P>I'm praying every day!<P>Jim

Nicole,<P>I am not one to give advice lately...after all, look at my mood and attitude....and life....LOL<P>only you can know how much you can take, and how much love is left...<P>I will say this, you have been patient, you have been loving, you have turned your hurt and anger inwards on too many occaisions, you have forgiven, and forgiven, and then forgiven again....<P>I admire and respect you very much....you already know that..what you have done, been through and yes, 'put up' with, not everyone could..<P>Read Jim's Plan B link..... <P>I have seen in the past months, changes in you.....you are running out of patience, but still hanging on.....I have seen no positive changes in Arik...he still believes that he is justified in his actions, and that somehow acting like a teenage boy is alright for a grown man....I could be wrong, you live with him, perhaps there have been changes....<P>he is constantly adamant that you are the one with the problems where contact is concerned....the messenger thing.....still talking...and now discussing your marriage...and hers?....hello??!?!?!?....isn't this how the affair started to begin with????!!? both marriages need help, and certainly not from the two people who did the damage to each!!<P>I just read his post and cannot believe he is still spouting the same old cr@p....frankly, I don't know how you have kept going....<P>the trust issue is in the toilet.....<P>again, Read Jim's link to Plan B.......<P>only you can know what is in your heart...<P>I know that I have not helped...I just woke up...<P>nicole, I love you....do what is right for your soul.<P><BR>Dylan

Hello to you all again,<P>Thanks so much for your support and prayers. <BR>Yes I am nearing my breaking point but have to admit that my Plan A has been less than perfect in the last few weeks. I am not really certain how much a strict Plan B will work with us though. The children and financial issues will always be subjects that we will have to discuss. I think that I will probably leave it at that though. I am not saying that it is the time right now but it is getting very close. I don't want my love for Arik to die, but resentment is a huge love killer and that resentment is growing. I will need your prayers and support over the next few days to keep me level, my emotions go up and down so much. <BR>Thanks again for the support and love I have recieved here. You all mean so much to me.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Nicole,<P>I just wanted you to know that I continue to include you and Arik in my prayers. I admire greatly your tenacity for making this work.<P>The Lords strength and faith as well as His grace and love to you.<P>Repenting

Nicole , <P>It sounds like it’s about time for Plan B.<P>I Plan A’d for too long. <P>One day I woke up and realized that I don’t love my H anymore. <P>When I quit caring, he started caring. <P>He must have some kind of radar to detect when I’m to the limit. Every time I start feeling like that.... he starts to Plan A back at me. (He’s never been to this site so he must do it on instinct) <P>Then it revives my love for him and I start to Plan A back at him. <P>Then he quits caring.<P>We’ve been doing this “dance” for the last 8 years. <P>I have to admit that I’ve spent 50 times more time on plan A than he has. He only does the plan A stuff when I get fed up and decide to quit the marriage.<P>I’m so sick and tired of the “dance”. If we can’t both get on the same wave soon I’m out of here. <P>You might be “dancing” the same “dance”. I wonder if I had gone to Plan B years ago, where would we be today?<P>We wouldn’t be where we are now, that’s for sure. <P>I’m tired of sharing him with the OW !<P>I’m tired of getting that gut retching fear every time the phone rings ! <P>I’m tired of wondering if he’s really at work or using work as an excuse be with her !<P>I’m tired of living with the uncertainty !<P>I’m going to school to learn how to support myself. I’m making a life for ME. If he wants to be part of my life then he can, but she won’t be part of it !!! <P>The time is getting near, it’s either me or her. No more straddling the fence! He will make a choice and then he will live with the choice he makes. <P>Right now I really don’t give a rats a$$ who he chooses. The longer it goes, the less I love him.<P>Sorry to ramble on like this. I think you are following the same path I followed, and I think you got to the final “dance” faster than I did.<P>Best of luck with whichever path you choose to take<P>Keo

Hi Nicole…<P>I don't post any more; in fact, I only check in every few weeks to see how a couple stories are unfolding… no change there, unfortunately. Yet here I am… likely because except for a couple twists of fate, I could be Arik.. and my W could be you. It shames me that I could treat, that I DID treat, my W as poorly as Arik is treating you right now. I did a horrible thing, but at least I never rubbed her face in it for months on end, like Arik is doing to you right now.<P>I had written to Arik, but decided against posting it in his thread. Besides, it can be summed up in four words: "Arik, you're an idiot." He's not only having his cake and eating it too, he's a majority stockholder in a freaking bakery chain. He refuses to see his beloved Crissie as anything but the two-timing (or more!) homewrecking, sleazy skank she is. Those descriptions are FACTS, not just my feelings (OK, I'll admit it… the "skank" part is mine… ). Until he realizes and admits that he never really "loved" HER, but the feelings he developed for her when his needs weren't being met by you, he doesn't stand a chance of getting over the fantasy, and working on overcoming the addiction to these feelings for someone who really doesn't exist.<P>But this isn't about him any more; he's already shown how little he cares about your feelings. I rustled a lot of feathers around here in my day; there are too many people who would rather hear what they want to hear than hear the truth. But that's not my way, and never has been. So sit down, fasten yourself in, and prepare for the truths as I see them, sugarcoating nowhere to be seen.<P>Aric is still having the affair. I know you know this, but maybe it hasn’t been said in so many (or so few) words. No, there may not be any physical contact (for now), but it was the emotional attachment that was so hard for ME to get over. Until he agrees to no more contact, the affair continues. The emotional attachment is still there, and that can't end until the contact ends.<P>I'm sorry to tell you... Arik doesn't love you any more. He doesn't love you, and he doesn't care what happens to his kids. I'm sure he'll deny this with righteous indignation, but hey... if he really DID care about you, his path would be easy, right? I keep wondering if he and his OW sit and laugh on the phone at how long they can keep their respective spouses (read: suckers) dangling on this hook… it's just so obvious from where I am sitting that he just has no respect for you or your marriage… that makes me so sad for you!<P>I've got a question for you… if his darling Chrissie told him she was leaving her H, do you think Arik would stop off at the house for his luggage and a change of clothes, or would he drive straight to the airport?<P>I showed you four words I feel describe him to a "T" above… I'll give you four more as to what I think should be YOUR next step… <P>"Throw the bum out."<P>Arik doesn't care what the right thing is. And he wouldn't do it even were he to realize it… he has as much as admitted this. To tell the truth, I think posting here is all part of the whole "game" to him. This game will continue, with him coming home from work with the frosting still on his mouth and you offering him MORE cake, until you die of diabetes. He will lie to you, and after he DOES see his skank girlfriend in the flesh again, he will come home to you, smile, look you in the eyes, and lie… just as he did before.<P>That is, of course, if he's not lying to you about it NOW.<P>He won't do *anything,* UnTall One. He's got it made; he has what any *other* 11 year old wants… no responsibility for his own actions. He knows two women will bend over backwards for him, and never call him on it. Why *should* he do anything about it? It's not like he's an actual grown-up, willing to take responsibility for his own actions. Unfortunately, you're going to have to treat him like the child he's been acting. You can't rely on him, because he has proven time and again he is completely unreliable. So you have to act for your *own* best interests, since Arik doesn't give a rat's behind about them. You can't expect him to do the right thing, since he has flat-out said he won't, and that your feelings just don't matter.<P>Do what is right for you and your kids, Nicole. If that means sharing your husband and their father with another woman for the rest of your life, so be it. But realize unless YOU do something about it, it will NEVER change. Don't think of it as "Giving Up," think of it as doing what is right for YOU for a change. Patience and love are wonderful traits, but even Patient Love can only endure so much abuse. Arik is beating you senseless daily, blackening your soul and breaking your spirit in the same manner as which he might blacken an eye or break a limb.<P>OK… I'm getting too into this, and I thought I was done with this place. It just kills me that I have worked so hard for TWO YEARS to get to where Arik could be with a snap of his fingers. I have a great relationship with my W, and I'm going to go off and enjoy it now. We even talked about your situation tonight, and I'm sure you can imagine both of us just shaking our heads. I really wish you so much luck in the future… you're going to need it if you hang out with this emotional adolescent you're married to. You deserve so much better than the way he is treating you right now.<P>I just have to shake my head at Arik.. he's got the pot of gold in his hands, and he is throwing it all away for something that doesn't even exist! What a moron!<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited February 20, 2000).]

Thanks again for all the support and advice. Plan B is a big step. Letting go is never easy, but I feel like he has been gone from the beginning. I remember posting as untallnikba and 2soulmates on this very same subject months ago. It has not really progressed beyond this point in 5 months. <BR>When we are together and being "us" it does feel good. I want that again but will not accept a marriage with her in it no matter how far in the background or how many miles away she is. <BR>I guess if I am forced I will have to move into Plan B, but as I said in my most recent post, do I really want to bother...<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Hi Nicole:<P>I agree so much with WhoDat. It's so hard. I was in the same place with my H. He lied to me that it was over 3 times. Why I kept believing him I don't know. I would write him letters at first to put my feelings down in words. They ridiculed me together and made fun of me. I have two boys, little ones. I have not worked in 8 years. It doesn't matter. Enough is enough. My awakening was early because I saw my very own mother do this same thing to another woman. She cheated with her current H and did the same stuff, laughed at and ridiculed his wife. Now her very own daughter is being attacked in the same way, in my most biggest time of need, she has nothing to offer me to help. But her lesson to me is that once a man makes up his mind, you are only torturing yourself. Get a great lawyer, make him pay for everything, including maintaining your home where you live with your children. And if he has to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, so be it. Let him get 2 jobs and let her pitch in for him to live, oh well.<P>I'm sorry. Sometimes I think people put themselves through so much hell to pin so much of their happiness on one other person, who doesn't care. HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR HAPPINESS. He wants his zipper to be happy. Yes it does hurt to let go - I'm hurting today after his "visit" that's supposed to make up for actually raising his boys on a daily basis. But I'm not standing between him and his boys, I'm just saying to him he's done and I'm moving on, and I'm perfectly capable to do so. I was before we were married, I'll do it again.<P>Argh! Sorry, take care anyway and God bless.<P>kathy

Nicole,<P>Just thought I would let you know that I am thinking about you and praying that things will get better for you. You have been such a good friend to me and I want to be the same for you. You know where to reach me if need to.

Nicole - I am so sorry for all you are going thru. I hope things do get better, or at the very least you are ok within yourself. (sorry that sounds so new age) You are in my thoughts and prayers. <P>Moira

Dear Nicole,<BR> I just posted a long post to Arik hoping to help talk some sense into him, but who knows if it will help.<BR> I have been reading your posts for months and I feel so much of your pain, I wish there was some way I could help you.<BR> The only thing I can say is that when my husband was confused and treating my unfairly , as hard as it was I let him go.<BR> I asked him to say good-bye to his 3 boys and move his things out of our house, and to basically not talk to me until I healed a bit.<BR> I was sure he would run off to her and never come home and I was in so much pain I couldn't eat or sleep and basically my mom and sister came and helped with my kids.<BR> He was cold and horrible for 2 days and then he came begging to come home and never left again.<BR> I knew there was a chance he would stay gone, but we both needed to see what life was like without the pain of being togeter while he was being stupid.<BR> He says he realized that what was happening was real and he almost lost everything, he compares his affair to going to the movies and then walking out after it is over and realizing that is wasn't just a movie and his real life was almost gone.<BR> Have faith that all you have had together is enough to pull him through this, and that he is man enough to see that nothing will ever be better than being with you and your kids.<BR> Nicole I know how hard this is for you, but you need to take care of yourself and you kids and let him see that life can go on without him if that is what he chooses.<BR> Don't allow so much bad to happen that you won't be able to find your way safely back to love and trust.<BR> Good luck to you and you are in my prayers.<BR>

Hi, Sweetie. I've got too much to say to post right now. I'll e-mail you later,ok? <P>Luv you,<P>lori