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Nicole,<P>I am so sorry that you are in so much pain cause I know that pain as most of us do. Last spring and summer I went throught what you are going through right now.<P>H tried for about two weeks of no contact and couldn't do it. Yes he worked with her and the only time they were suppose to see each other was when they first got to work and at the end as they all met in one room at the biginning of their shift and at the end. It didn't work soon their was contact. NOtes passed and telephone calls at work. The affair never stopped. I knew from the begining in my heart that he couldn't give her up till he lived out his fantasy and I am sure you know where I am now. <P>As much as it pains me to say everytime I read Arik's post it was like I knife in my heart because he sounded just like my H. <BR>Yes there are postives but I had postives too. We met for lunch, we went out on dates, but nothing worked. <P>I don't have the answers for you just as I don't for me. Wish I had them though. I don't even know what i could have done different. Sometimes I think they just have to live their fantasy to find out that isn't that way in reality. I wish I could say that my H has woke up to reality. I don't know if it will happen. BUt as everyone tells me you have to take care of your self. You have to do what is right for you. Only you can decide what to do.<P>But what ever you decide we are here for you.<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nicole}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

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Nicole -- I am so sorry for you.<P>I continue to pray for you guys. I will add an extra prayer that Arik finally realizes what he is doing to you, and stops before it is too late.<P>God Bless

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I'm so sorry things aren't going so well right now. I wish things were ten times better. You really deserve it with as much effort as you put into saving your marriage. <P>Soulloss mentioned the 2X4, maybe you could just feed OW bacon and poptarts and say that its Ariks favorite??????????

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Nicole,<P>You've gotten a lot of support here in this post, but I wanted to tell you that I am praying for you and Arik. I am encouraged that he wrote the letter, I think it may be a step in the right direction. I will also remind you that it took my W leaving for me to be placed in the crucible from which I recognized my addiction for the first time. I was deep in justifing and self deception about my behavior. Now that the fog has cleared for me, I have realized the hurt and pain I have inflicted on my W. I believe in a bigger God than all of our problems, stay close to Him, he'll give you the comfort and sustainance to get you through one day at a time.<P>Repenting<P>------------------<BR>Fear God and you will have nothing else to fear<P>Hosea 3

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Patient Love:<BR><B>I guess I am just not as strong or maybe I am being a little selfish. I just need something for me right now. It is probably the wrong time to be doing it. Just when he seems to be coming around the corner, but then again he has seemed to be coming around that corner a few times before too.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>ok...<BR>(sigh)<BR>the more I am here, the more I realize how little I know about relationships... but over the past ten years or so... and especially intensely over the last 5 months I have been taking lessons.<BR>And I have picked up a few hardcore beliefs. I think I may also be listening to way to much Dr Laura Shleshinger (spelling, anyone?)... Also I've hesitated to respond because I wanted to give Arik a place to vent if he wished, without being judged (not that I would have condoned anything I thought to be morally wrong, either) but I can't stand to 'hear' you 'talk' like this...<BR><B>I hope you all don't look at me as being a quiter. Maybe I am though, who knows.<BR>(Sorry Lori you have been my inspiration and I tried to emulate your Plan A efforts but I am just not as patient or as strong as you are.)<BR></B>[/QUOTE]<P>If you are serious... all I can say is go splash some cold water on your face, girl... what you are going through is, let's face it, pretty darn [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] ... (they should have an icon for those three all rolled into one.) And as far as I understand Harley's principals plan B is not about quitting... if anything, it's about saving your feelings... I can see how in this case it would seem to becoming a neccessity. Understandably so. <BR>I think in your heart you know what to do (and I really am not implying one way or the other) Deep inside, and it may seem pretty deep right now, is a kernal of calm. You should put yourself aside some serious time to pray... at least 20 minutes, and pray quietly for the wisdom of the Lord. Make sure you are not disturbed. Eventually the waters of your mind calm, and you will see more clearly.<BR>I wish I could offer you advice... I know what I want to tell you... but instead I will just insist that you have some faith in yourself. 'Cause I do. <P>((((((((((NICOLE)))))))))))) <BR>(I did of course ask Dylan for permission to send this hug [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com])<P>Deut

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Nicole-<P>Ok, this one pulled me out of the woodwork.<P>You may not like what I am about to say, but I am going to say it anyway.<P>You cannot let Arik continue with this abuse! Yes, you heard me, abuse. He is mentally, emotionally, and occasionaly ABUSING you!!<P>You can stop this. Go to Plan B. So what is Arik and C know about it. This is NOT about them anymore. This is about you saving yourself. This is about you saving your children.<P>Let him go, Nicole. You have done everything you can. Let him go.<P>If you ask me, Arik needs a hard dose of reality. He has no idea what he is doing right now, and because he has know idea, anything and everything you do right now is wrong.<P>Dont tolerate this behavior one more day. <P>Another thing I need to point out, is, Dr H methods are NOT fool-proof. If they were, no one would be on this board for more than 6 months. Some marriages, no matter how hard you try, can't be saved. Save yourself.<P>It is time for you to give this 100% over to the Lord. You are fighting, single handedly, an invisble enemy- Satan. Satan wants your marriage to fail. But more than that, Nicole, Satan wants you to fail. Don't let him!<P>You are going to make it through this. You are going to be ok!<P>Now, like Duet said, splash some cold water on your face, smile in the mirror and say to yourself, "I AM WORTH IT"- because, my dear, you ARE!<P>I hope that Arik realizes soon what he is doing and what he is putting you through. But until that time comes, you have to let him go.<P>I am praying hard for your family.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

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HI NIcole, I understand the numb feeling, during a situation like this, I find it came and went a few times. The frustration of it all was a big cause for it I think.<BR>I don't know if you rememebr my story, but my H's affair was also with a co-worker, they still kept working in the same place for some time during and after the affair was over, we also wrote a no-contact letter, that he also worded in a very caring way, he also cried after giving it to her. There was also some contact needed at work even after the letter, and there was definetly personal contact - at least in the form of going our for a coffee at break time and talk- after as well.<BR>Nevertheless, we made it. We're doing great almost two years after the whole nightmare started, and believe me he has no special thoughts or feelings for her.<BR>What I'm trying to say , I guess, is that it might not look much, the wording and ending might of your h's no contact letter might not be tactfull or thoughtfull, but it's a start. I remember he didn't want to end the contact at all, so writing a non contact letter was not even a possibility, and yet he did it. <BR>I know this hurts, since they don't seem to have the need to protect us from the pain, or say things in a way that will soften the blow, but many times they seem to have a tendency to be very gentle when ending contact with the op.I rememebr how upset I got when my H told me he wanted to do it gently because he felt he had lead her into this situation, and was now backing of, he didn't want to hurt badly. I got upset because he had not had this kind of thoughts for me, when the affair started, or continued , or when he confirmed it to me, or in any other very painfull situations, but in a way, I was able to understand that need.<BR>DOn't give up now if you think you can. Just wait and see for a a bit longer. THis might be his first real step. He might go back and forth for a bit, but if you can see more positive steps it will help you to hang on.<BR>In terms of work, I wonder if changing to something that might be uncertain in terms of hours, will not create as much stress as the one in the circumstances now. <BR>I must day that in my experience, and contrary to what has been said about the no contact and changing jobs, the fact that they worked ( and still work but have different schedules now ) together didn't affect our recovery more than just at the begining. He changed his schedule almost three monts after the affair ended, because the new position was a bit better than the other one, but he wouldn't have changed it if it meant going backwards, nor will I ask him that. I did, however support his decision to move, as well as his efforts to find another job in another company - which he's still trying, not to be away from her, but because he's not exactly satisfied with it or the company itself.<BR>ANyway, hope you feel better tomorrow.<BR>HUgs<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

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