I've been lurking at this site for months<BR>wondering if I should post or not. But, at this point I'm desperate for help & prayer..<BR>please go easy on advice. I talked to Dr. Harley on his radio program last week and one thing we talked about was all the bad advice I've gotten over the years, some of which set up the conditions that led to my husband having his cake and eating it too.<P>I guess I should explain my situation so here goes. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. During this time he has had 5 EA's that I know of...<BR>nothing physical according to him. He eventually developed a serious addiction to pornography that turned his mind to mush.<BR>It took us 4 years to find help for his addiction,and another year in withdrawal while we counseled with a pastor from our new church (We changed churches when it became apparent that our former paster--my husband's best friend--was not able to help us). Okay, so he's never had a full blown affair and never left me for another woman.<BR>He'd get caught by someone before it got to that point...once by my mom (how humiliating!!!)...the OW happened to be the daughter of a "friend" of my mom's and she overheard her telling another friend how her daughter was planning to move in with my husband (how she was going to get my children and I out of the house is still a mystery to me). At any rate I've heard all of the favorate phrases and excuses WS use when they in The Fog, seen all the behaviors (unfortunately I often had to see him with one of his "friends" before I'd get the picture) and experienced the severe depression and everything else that betrayed spouses experience. At one point I seriously considered suicide..but I don't want to go into all of that because I start crying every time I do. Okay? It keeps me from thinking clearly and I don't want to go there.Right now I'm taking wellbutren (sp?)<P>Anyway, I have HNHN, L.B., Give and Take..<BR>and my mailman just called an hour ago to tell me that my copy of How To Survive an Affair just came in (It's alright for my mailman to call me--I'm married to him). I'm very familiar with Harley's concepts--I've tried almost everything else (threw out about $300 worth of books that only made the situation worse and totally confused me...I told my pastor that I would like the marital counselor we paid $800 to to give me back my money--he drove me nuts...and I'm not kidding)<BR> So, what do you think? Do I belong here?<P>P.S. I read Genie29's post earlier and what she said about affairs being like a new toy is exactly what my husband discribed to me ...he said it's like having a new toy under the Christmas tree. Only he seems to think that as long as he has no intention of having sex with his "new toy" or of leaving me (sometimes I honestly wish he had--let her clean up after him for awhile!)there's no "logical" reason for me to be upset. Which only upsets me more! <BR>CJ <P>------------------<BR>Psalm 42

Welcome. And yes, I would say you belong here. My H had an emotional affair too and yes it does count. In many ways, I wonder if it is harder? It is so hard to get past the pain. Like yours, my H also told me he felt it was OK as long as there was no sex. With the help of a councelor he can now see how wrong he was.<P>You will find the people here very helpful and many of us are in very similar situations. Read Harly's book. I think it offers good sugestions.<P>Since I am the first to respond to you I will tell you to read the articles on this site, post questions and help others by adding your own thoughts to other memebers questions.<P>Not that this is a club that any of us want membership to , but you are always welcome here.<P>Acacai

Here I refer to them as "obsessions" rather than emotional affairs. No matter what you call them they are damaging and I, after 30 years have had it. If there is another I am out of here. I honestly don't know if he thinks I'm for real, he doesn't know I have money set aside to escape with. There comes a point when you chose not to deal with these things anymore.<P>I sincerely hope that he believes me and that we can put things back together, it seems to be heading that direction.<P>I guess the point of this is that you are not alone, others have and are experiencing the same pain. You must chose your own path, you know your own situation best.<BR>We are here to listen, comment and sympathize.<P>Take care always.

Thanks for your replys...they helped a lot!!<BR>Acacia, how did your counselor convince your husband that emotional affairs are wrong? Ours was able to convince my husband that the pornography was wrong but the emotional affairs (obsessions is definately a good way to discribe them)is a tougher sell...he goes back and forth with it. He's more convinced after I read him Steve Harley's article-What is an Affair?-but... <P>Hanora, I'm a breast cancer survivor (8 years<BR>cancer free if next month's mammogram is still clear). My husband's "addictions" to porn and EA's went into hyperdrive while I was in treatment. <P>We went through 5 Steps 6 years ago and I made the mistake of assuming that it was all<BR>over...as it turned he was already into another "obssesion" that he continued to lie to me about. I've about had it too, I know I won't be able to handle another one and will have to leave for my own sanity. That's scary. Didn't hear about plan A until recently so I want to give it a try. Just went through Surviving an Affair and there's a lot of material that will be helpful. <BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Psalm 42

Welcome <B>CJB80</B>...<P>This is the place for you!<BR>You're here to build your marriage... right?!<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>After... or even while you're reading <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>... section om Plan A...<BR>It is very informative!<P>Stay... you are in close company here... <P>Jim