I'm an oldie here but have been gone for a few months. My story in short so you don't have to read my history: My W had an affiar for a few yrs all while I knew but could not stop. I left her and moved 600 miles away. During this time I tried to work on the marriage the best I could, she was unwilling. At one point she decided our family was too much to give up on and we decided to sell everything and move to my home state and start from scratch. She convinced me to quit my career of 20 odd years. 2 days before my final day of work she called me to tell me she decided NOT to go along with the plans, she was moving to live with her parents. I knew something was wrong, come to find out, she was pregnant with OM's child. We filed for seperation and I got full custody of our son. The child was born last month and we had DNA tests done as a first step to her getting child support from OM (he is married w/one child at time of affair, during which he and his W were trying to have their second child...she had twins 3 months ago). Now for my problem.....I have been living as a single dad now for a good 3 months and enjoy it to all extremes. I have gotten over my feelings for W and have even started dating (nothing in front of son). My feelings toward W have been reduced or changed to more like the feelings of a sister or a friend. We are not angry at eachother, very civil actually. But as I stated we took a DNA test, the results just came in yesterday - the child is mine! Now what? I can't just stay the course and have our children seperated can I? My son deserves to be with his sister and vice versa. But like I said, I don't want to be married to my W any more. She proved to me she's not the type of woman I care to remain married to. She's still in love with the OM too, but yet she's now telling me she wants us to be a family again. Whta in the world am I suppose to do, give up custody of my son so he can be with his mom and sister now? I don't believe in "staying together for the sake of the kids". If the parents aren't happy with eachother, we all know where that'll lead and I think this family has dealt with enough cheating already. I am completely lost. I just started moving on with my life with my son, things were going great, he was beginning to adapt, we had a ton of plans ahead. Now she wants back and above all she wants to move back to where all this happened, a matter of one town over from where OM lives with his family. Nothing like jumping into the fire huh? I don't want to go there, I want to continue with my own plans. She won't hear me though, she only wants to do what she wants to do....another reason I want to move on.<P>Ugh! I swear, I just want out of all this s**t!<P>Thanks for reading my whinning...

Blues -- I remember you. I must admit that I am sorry to see you back here with less than wonderful news.<P>I do not have any words of wisdom for you, but wanted you to know that you will be in my thoughs and prayers, along with your children.<P>God Bless

Blues,<BR>I am pretty new here, so I don't know everything you have gone through. First of all let me say congratulations on the new baby. I am sorry to see that you are in a terrible predicment. I agree, your son needs to know his sister.<P>Since I do not know the whole story...please do not think I am being stupid here.....is there any way that you can become a family again? I agree though that I would not try and make the family "whole" anywhere around other man. <P>What is the situation with OM? You said that ex is still in love with him....but what about him? Are they still an item?<P>Alls I can say is I wish you the best. And you and both of the children will be in my prayers.<BR>Nancy

Hi Blues,<P>You may not remember me, but I remember you - it's good to hear from you even though I am sorry about the chaotic emotional circumstances.<P>First, let me congratulate you on having a daughter!!! She is a precious gift and is "yours" for a reason......<P>Although her conception occurred in tumultuous times for you and your Wife, please do not let that cause you to look at or value that little girl any differently than you do your son. She needs her Daddy and Brother - especially with Mommy being "all messed up" like she's been.<P>You have a lot of decisions to make that won't be easy. The most important decision is how to get to know and "bond" with your daughter......that should be first and foremost.<P>The geographic distance problem has to be worked out.....whether or not you and your wife attempt a reconciliation - you need to be close enough to parent these kids. They need you both - that is the least that you and your wife can give them. You both brought them into this world and their welfare comes before your own wants and desires.....your wife let this concept go for quite a while with your son - time to rectify it now and do what's best.<P>Perhaps you will both need to find a "neutral" locale to live.....not a place that has triggers for either of you. This doesn't mean living together necessarily - but close enough that you can co-parent effectively. <P>As far as your feelings being changed about your wife....well, of course they have!! Whenever a person lets in another person from outside their marriage - that person has split up the partnership (or team) and broken the intimacy that they once shared. Your wife did this first - the way she felt then is how you feel now that you have let another(s) in....<P>That "We're in this together" comraderie is broken....gone....lost for good!!<P>The secret is to begin again with a NEW sense of comraderie and partnership - whether that is just as close, good parents or a rebuilt and better marriage will be revealed with time and work!!<P>Those "feelings" for each other that you both shared once have changed....are still changing. Where they eventually end up is anyone's guess!! <P>You can't really take what you feel now and know for sure that this is how you would always feel.....just like you could never have known that you both would end up feeling this way when you first got married.....right? Feelings change and grow according to what we are dealing with in our lives. <P>Love is love......those "in love" feelings will come and go with our spouses. Those that think that another person is the fulfiller of those "in love" feelings are just not in it long enough to have experienced the times when day-to-day life gets in the way!!<P>You know from being here, that anything can be rekindled with the correct perspective and behavior.....just learning better communication skills and using relationship "tools" can improve any relationship to a wonderful one. It takes some work, patience, compassion and TIME!!!<P>We can't say whether you should get back with your Wife....we can only be here to encourage you and help. I will say that you have to have as good a relationship with your daughter as with your son. I'm very bossy when it comes to kids, eh? LOL!!<P>I know that you may be afraid that a failed attempt at reconciling might jeopardize your custody of your son - the only thing I could think of about that is if it didn't work, would it be because your wife is still not trying or cuz you wouldn't? If her, then you may well get custody of both children (which is better in my opinion!)<P>Hope I've helped some, I do rattle on sometimes!!<P>HUGS, Prayers and Strength,<P>Sheba<BR>

Hi Blues!<P>I certainly do remember your story. Well I have an idea or two to bounce off of you. Of course you get stuck with making the hard decisions . Here goes.<P>First, do not let your son go back with your W. You got sole custody for a reason and the reason was you are the better parent.<P>Second, you don't have to stay married to her. If she moves back near you, then you and she can share custody with the New D (Congratulations by the way ). If she goes to OM so what! You are happy without her and proceeding with life; continue to do so.<P>If somehow she does grow up and becomes a woman instead of a hedonistic child then maybe it works out. But if she wants to move back near you and OM, then let her. (I am assuming that you and OM live near one another, I get confused with your moving exactly where you are now.) You can then become a father to that poor little girl. I truely feel sorry for her, with a mother such as she seems to have.<P>You do not have to give up custody of your S and you don't have to relinguish your role as a father.<P>So if I understand this correctly, let her come back to your town and live near you; but not with you. Moving back in should only occur if you two can reconcil.<P>How is that for some free, fast, and loose opinions? While this post seems lighthearted, I know this is the worst possible scenario for you in many ways. And yet you are now the father of a daughter as the years go by you will enjoy that very much.<P>Hope this helps a little in your very difficult situation.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited March 05, 2000).]

Hey everyone!<BR>Wow, I thought I'd be the only old one still hangin around here... I remember each and everyone of you. It's good to hear from you all too. I've been thinking about this whole situation for a bit and I'm actually leaning towards moving back to our old town. Right now I'm 650 miles from OM, W is even further from him, about a good 1000 miles. But the only chance I can see of having both parents within the same town for the kids would be to move back where all this happened. W would be able to get a good paying job within her field to where she can afford to live on her own. I was just offered a business opportunity in the same town. If she and OM actually did get together again I guess I could really care less for I at that point will still be living my life on my own. I'd rather not be there but I guess I could do it for my kids sake. At this point it seems like the only option. It's not the greatest, but neither has this whole deal been. If there's a need for this business, it would be something I've always wanted to do and both my children could still be around both parents. I just don't know any other way at this point. I'm not thrilled with the idea of being so close to OM for I don't know how I'll react if I crossed paths with him again. But I know I'm the bigger man and feel I can deal with it. Besides, at this point he still thinks the child's his....I'm sure every night he's thinking about when his world is gonna crash...although now since it's not his he'll be able to get away with cheating on his wife free and clear. But then again I can subscribe to John Lennon's therory of instant karma.... I'll try to keep you all updated again if you care to know. Just hope you don't mind the soap opera that is my life. For I AM a walking soap opera.... <P>Blues<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Blues (edited March 06, 2000).]

Got a quick question for you all, since I have already dated a few women since being seperated (legally), do I tell my (ex)wife? Should I use my current relationship (nothing special yet) as a reason why not to let her back? You know just as proof I've moved on? She's already planning on renting a truck to move her stuff back! I need to stop it before she does but she doesn't seem to get the point. Would this maybe be the best way to prove to her or open up her eyes that she's not able to just waltz back into my life after what she's done just because the child is mine?<P>Blues<P>------------------<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It wasn't my fault honest, I...I ran outta gas,.....I...I had a flat tire,.....I...didn't have enough money for cab fare,.....my tux didn't come back from the cleaners,.......an old friend came in from out-of-town,....someone stole my car,.....there was an earthquake, a terrible flood.......<I>Look, it wasn't my fault, <B>I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!</B></I><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Blues (edited March 06, 2000).]

<BR>Blues!!!!!<P>You better believe I remember you! Oh man, the baby is yours...while I'm delighted for you, I mean, ain't that a kicker?!? It makes the whole thing so much weirder. And yes, harder.<P>Anyhow, I'm very pro-marriage, pro-family, etc. I agree with the other posters that you need to move into the same town as your wife, in order to co-parent your two children. But really, I don't think you should let her move in with you under ANY circumstances. You'd risk losing custody of your son, and she hasn't exactly shown herself to be remorseful in this whole debacle. I'm sorry, as pro-marriage as I am, I think the best she should get in this deal is you two living in the same town. Maybe later, and that is a big honking "maybe," you two might reconcile, but I really doubt it. You were slapped down so many times by her hurtful behavior, and now that you're finally in a good place mentally, I don't see the merit in going back for more abuse. My take in this is that you're to the point you can get along with her well enough to co-parent, even despite what she did. But neither of you has the gumption to make the marriage work. You tried for a long time, and finally just gave up. She doesn't even really want to try right now - as you said, she's still in love with the OM! Does anybody in here think that this marriage can be saved? Its sad to say, but sometimes it really IS over.<P>Bystander