Well guys, it has come down to the time I did not want to face. My H really just wants our divorce to go through and to go on with his life.<P>He told me last night that he does think he is having a mid life crisis. He has many issues to deal with. That this is his problem not mine. He told me that I have been great.<P>He also told me he does not love me. That it is over between him and O/W. They were close to getting fired over this. He also said he is not leaving for someone else. He feels like he is trapped and he is going to die in his cage if he is not let loose.<P>He also said that what makes sense to him is something that I said the other night, was that he needs to find himself and get over her and then the love can come back. He needs to work out the issues himself and deal with all that has happened. Then maybe then we can start over. But not now. He needs closure on us to do that.<P>He is a basket case now because he is shaking and emotional fragile, (like I am not) He says he would give up his happiness and stay home but physically he cannot take it because of the shaking and he is close to a nervous breakdown. He said if I cared for him at all I would set him free and let him heal.<P>He still wants to date and he says he cares for me. He says we will make better friends right now and not spouses.<P>I think I am driving him more away from me the more I try to hang on. I am plan Aing except for last night on the phone. I said words that I did not think a girl scout leader would ever say.<P>So now I need help to let him go. I am so afraid. I am so scared. But I do not have a choice.<P>I truly believe if we ever have a chance to rekindle or be togther again, I need to let go.<P>Please help me to know this is the right decision.<P>My H says he is afraid he will start getting bitter and I will start to hate him. He does not want that. He just wants freedom right now.<P>I told him I could let him go easier if he was not going to run to her. He said it is over with her. He is tired of the whole female population. He said he has not had much luck in that category for awhile.<P>He said down the road who knows about us. Once he is through whatever we could get back together again.<P>I told him he needs help with his shaking and the issues are still there. He said he will deal with the issues, he just wants to move on and not feel trapped right now.<P>So guys I could be divorced by June. So that means I will be married for 19 and a half years.<P>I am so sad. I did ask this for my life. I have been a stay at home mom, who has to start over at 41.<P>I am sorry this is so long!<P>Becky

It seems like both of our husbands are going through a MLC. Have you ever gotton on "divorsebusting" website. They have a MLC forum.<P>My husband also used the phrases "trapped in the marraige, trapped with the kids"<P>He has basically changed everything about himself. Unfortunately from what I can tell it can take some time.<P>Has your h been in counseling? That is one thing I seem to have going in my favor. My H is in counseling. I also think by h is somewhat depressed but he has yet to admit that.<P>I do know that I truly opened the door and set him free. I ask no questions and really try to make this a safe calm environment for him. THis is very hard because my kids are 10-8-5. He has absolutely no tolerance for our 5 y.o. She is very noisy and basically a princess!!!! My S (8) seems to have intuitively picked uyp on how to maintain the connection. I am thankful for that. My 10 y.o. is in deep pain and has a lot of anger as you would expect.<P>I know how you feel about the age. I am 42. I thought my marraige was a good one. I have been home taking care of the tkids since my first was born. I can't even imagine starting over. Although, I most likely won't get a chance, because I have 13 more years of childrearing.!!!!! I'll be thinking of you.

My H went to couseling for lie 3 or 4 times. He thinks the therapist did not realy give him good advice. My kids are older 17, 15 and 11.<P>Can you send me a like to divorce busting. I would like to know all I can about MLC.<P>I know I have to let go, I have no choice he can divorce me for no good reason. But can I survive I wonder sometimes.<P>I told him I wanted to help him through this and he said the best way to help him is to let him go.<P>I get so mad, because it is what he wants, what he feels, what he needs, what he wants. Forget about me and the kids.<P>Oh well, thanks for the reply. I hope we both can make it through this. It is funny it is their crisis so why does it have to be ours and our childrens too..........

My W has made nearly the same statements you are all using. Feels chained, trapped, oppressed. Maybe someday things will work out, but let's get divorced. I do think that letting go is respectful and loving if all other avenues have been explored. Like you, I don't want to be divorced. I don't want to be "available." I don't want to struggle with all that comes with being single, available, dateable etc. I want to be married, protected by and protecting the covenant we made. But I can not make that happen. May Christ be your source of joy and life.

Thanks Doc for replying. It seems your W and my H just want the same thing.<P>He just called on the phone to check on me. He said his wedding ring was like a shackel. He just needs his freedom to find himself. He stills wants us to go out and do things together and he has promised to take care me and the kids finacially also.<P>He keeps telling me over and over that this is his problem not mine. <P>My wedding ring is like security. Knowing that I have someone in my life. I am with you I do not want to be available, or single I like being a couple.<P>But after talking again with my H just a few minutes ago, the only way to make our relationship work, even with divorce, is to let go. We have no chance now. We will end up hateing each other and that would be worse on the kids.<P>I believe he needs his space and time. He needs to let the feelings for the O/W go (their relationsip is over he promised) He needs to find himself again and get over everything. And then maybe we can rebuild. But it will only happen after our divorce.<P>It still hurts so BAD though. I am still crying while I type this. I am still trying to convince myself.<BR>

Hi Becky,<P>The best thing you can do right now, is let your H go off and "find" himself. It really does sound like all the classic symptoms of MLC. The divorce busting site is <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.divorcebusting.com</A> <P>You're right, in that, the more you cling to him, the further away you are pushing him. Once he is gone, he will very likely begin to miss you and the kids. Maybe not right away. But, it will happen eventually. As far as the divorce, I would not do anything to make it happen, if you don't really want it. Let him do it. Don't disagree with him when he brings it up. Just, leave it all to him. My guess is that he won't follow through.<P>In the meantime, concentrate on YOU, and the kids, and read up on MLC & Male Menopause. BTW, they are not the same things.<P>Hang in there. Prayers are coming your way.

I am very sorry for your loss and it is a loss. I can understand what your spouse is going through because I used those same words myself. However, it's not that we feel trapped with the people we love or think we don't love anymore. We feel trapped with past issues that we cannot resolve for whatever reason. Issues that are affecting our ability to have a healthy relationship with anyone and in some cases even with our children. Those issues can affect us physically when they become too much. Remember it is not you or your children that's the problem. It's what's going on in his head and he needs to get help before it becomes worse. I have dealt with personal issues for 40 years and it has caused a great deal of damage to me both mentally and physically. If you have read any of my posts, suicide has been on my mind constantly. Today, I am doing fine. I am even eating lifesafers candy and not having an anxiety attack for eating. This weekend, however, I was not well and did not want to deal with anyone. Luckily, my daughter made me help with her competitions. <BR>I am not saying your spouse will consider suicide. I pray he will never hit that point nor you. But, he will need to get himself together by talking to a good therapist. One that will help him find solutions to closing the doors to old hurts, anxieties or other issues. <BR>You will also need to find positive ways of moving on. Dating should be the furthest thing from your mind right now. Healing and spending positive energy on yourself and children. I know it will be hard and painful for you. I remember my spouse working so hard to live with the pain I caused him. Today, I do my best to give him my love even during my rough days and let him know that he is not the reason I am hurting. <BR>I will pray for you, your spouse and children. As I have been told numerous times, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That is what's keeping me going. I believe the day is coming.

To Sidney and Sobeit,<BR>Thanks so much for the reply. I have put the DB site in my favorite places. I found the MLC forum and it sounded so familar to my situation.<P>Sidney I think you responded to my post last week aslo.. Thanks so much.<P>Sobeit.....take care of your self. Your replies have helped a lot of people.<P>I just feel so scared and afraid of my future. I guess I am a baby. I am afraid to stand on my own two feet and just be me.<P>To tell you the truth sometimes I dont know who ME really is. I am a mother, a great friend, daughter, voulunteer....<P>But where is the ME part.<P>This is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. Letting Go. I keep saying it over and over. I dont want to, but I have to.<P>Thanks for replying, I need you guys......

Becky,<P>You hit the nail on the head. Now is the time for you to find out who YOU are. I think you will be pleasantly surprised. And, you will come out of this a much stronger, and happier person. So, let the search begin!!

I'm dealing with the same. After an early retirement my husband went into a MLC. I found out about the affair the end of May. He refused to break it off until Sept. All I asked of him was that if he decided to see her to tell me - to not make a fool of me. We worked on the marriage and "his" needs mostly. There was a glimmer of hope - he agreed. Well, I got an annonymous call Sunday that he had been seen with OW on several occasions. When confronted he said that he had taken her for a drink 5-7 times in the last 3 months. I told him I couldn't go through it all again and unless he agreed to the no contact and swore on his parent's graves he would not contact her without telling me first then he needed to leave. Soooo, he has been driving around for 2 days looking for a place to live and crying. He is in deep depression (I am worried). I told him that I thought he needed to deal with himself and decide what to do for the rest of his life - not retirement. He agrees but is in such a state. I think I need to Plan A but be strong that he is not coming back here. What do you think?

Kate, thanks for replying. I am sorry that you are in the same position as myself.<P>I think sometimes you have to let go and let them find themselves. My H came by tonight and brought our son home from scouts. He is on his way out of town again for a week.<P>He did hug me and let me kiss him goodbye. He says he still wants to date me. He wants us all to celebrate the girls birthday together at the end of the month.<P>But he is a lost soul and I have tried to help him through this, but it is only a ride for one and he is going to have to do it himself. I am not giving up on us. I am going to plan a until the divorce and will till do it afterward. People do get remarried.<P>But at the same time I need to do things for me and find out who I am.<P>But it is very hard and I have cried most of the day.<P>I told my H tonight this is the best decision for us but the hardest. I also said I still love you and that is why I can let you go and find yourself. He can come back home anytime. <P>i imagine our divorce can be final in june or july. Who knows he could change his mind but i doubt it.<P>I am going to find out all I can about MLC and see if that helps me to help him.<P>Kate be strong for you. He does need to find himself, though this is hard and it does hurt.<P>i just hope that I have the strenth.

I told my H to leave too. <BR>I also told him that I love him so much<BR>that I'm letting him go.<P>He is gone from the house but why can't I really let him go?<BR>I saw the OW(TOADIE) at his place just today,<BR>problem is so did my D.<P>When he finally called to talk to D she refused to talk to him and I LB big time.<P>I know mine has an OW but when it actually hits me in the face it hurts so bad and I am so jealous of all the things he's doing with her and not me anymore.<BR>It's killing me.<P>Why can't we let go? Because we still love them, we want to be with them, we want to be important to them. I'm afraid of really losing him even tho I think I already have.<P>They say this to shall pass, but not soon enough for me. I hope your H comes to his senses and at least talks to someone and gets himself found before too much time and damage happens.<P>Sorry, I'm very down tonite and I'm kicking myself for accidently putting my D in that position today,(they were both suppose to be at work) <P>------------------<BR>Peg

m3k,<P>I am sorry to hear your pain today. I know its hard for you to let go. Maybe at this point, it would be what you need for both of you to find each other again. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees here, it could go many ways, he can run to OW, he can run to another woman, or he can find himself and come back to you. It sounds like he has a lot of issues. It might not hurt to let him work thru them on his own. Nothing you can do really will save him, until he saves himself. <P>The shakes, definetly sound like a big emotional or guilt trigger. <P>From what you are saying, it does sound a bit hopeful still. And don't think so far about June just yet, a lot can happen in a few months (look at my life). I would keep Plan A and give him some space. You've been through enough too.<P>Take some time for you. Are you doing anything right now that makes YOU happy? If not, go try something new. Go treat yourself. Let time and nature take its course, all this pressure we put on ourselves, all the things we try to do to change the outcome to our favor, sometimes, I think is very much a waste. Whats meant to be is meant to be in the end, so let God do his work and see what happens. That is what I am trying to do.<P>Step back, walk away, follow where I am taken and see what happens. Its hard, I know, plus I am not religious that much, but I do feel a lot stronger than I did a few weeks ago.<P>And you know what else? Divorce, big deal, its a piece of paper. I know it hurts. But can it hurt as bad as when we found out we were betrayed? Can it hurt as bad when we know we tried our best. So you get back together, so you re-marry, big deal. Do you really want to will be the questions.<P>Be strong, prayers are with you! Dana<BR>