My wife and I are part-time staff members of our church. We have been working together in church work since we've been married. My wife's affair started around 10 months ago and we've had our typical phases of working through it or around it. She's asked for time and space and I've been trying Plan ("A") Pick-a-Letter (I've tried a lot of plans). <P>Two weeks ago, the OM's wife called our minister and told him about the affair (her divorce hearings are beginning to start). He called me to verify and I answered that I think so, but we are working on it. (I was upset that he called, it was my wife's birthday and she had refused to open her card or gift from me, she was not where she was said she was going to be, she was out with the OM). I wish now that I would not have responded.<P>The minister and his wife confronted my wife regarding the allegation of an affair. He came on fairly strong (as T2 said, he was bringing the heat and not the light) in the spiritual context and religious implications. He followed up the talk with a letter saying that he needed her response and what she was going to do about the situation by Sunday (this was on a Thursday night). My wife resigned from her position via letter stating that her other job required too much time and she would not be able to dedicate her time to the church position like she should. The staff parrish committe accepted this, but the minister could not leave well enough alone. He had announced from the pulpit that my wife was resigning but really didn't give any reason other than the work one. My wife had agreed to continue to do the position until a replacement could be found, but I feel the minister does not want this. He gave her another note yesterday that "forces the issue even more." This is what he emailed me. He followed up by saying that my actions are enabling, denial and codependency (gee, as if I didn't know) and he could not abide with it fro an unspecified amount of time. He concluded that even though I had a concern with my wife being driven away from the church, that "her hypocritical behavior already puts her at a distance.<P>I feel that he has probably more hurt and anger than I do at the moment. My fear is that the church is the one connecting point that my wife and I still share and if it is severed than what. <P>I know my wife still communicates with the OM, but I also see that we are working toward that ending. This past two weeks have been more of a setback that was out of my control.<BR>Next week may be worse. My wife was subpoenaed to give a deposition by the OM's wife next week. She hasn't told me about it but I found out. <P>I know that I may still be in denial, definitly exhibit codependency...but if Plan A is enabling, than I'm that to.<P>Right now I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just venting in my confussion.<P><p>[This message has been edited by EdB (edited March 07, 2000).]

I hate to tell you this, Ed, but plan A is not "enabling". You can't force your wife to end her affair. You have different tools at your disposal on how to deal with her affair---you can use punishment, anger, revenge and justice; or you can try to set a positive example without "approving" of the affair.<P>Plan A is the latter. Set a consistant track record of new marital behavior that includes eliminating lovebusters and meeting what emotional needs your wife has that she will currently allow you to meet.<P>Your wife's affair seems to be coming to a close---an affair is about fantasy. It's now out in the light of the real world, and the ugliness is pretty bad. A minster who condemns her. A deposition in a divorce case. She's going to crash and burn---you should be a consistant and loving presence who can give her hope that the marriage can be recovered.<P>Although I doubt it would help, you might give your pastor a copy of Surviving an Affair. His condemnation of your wife is also unethical and quite anti-Christian; I suggest that you find the "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" passage and make a copy for him.

EdB,<P>You've just heard it from the best there is... (from <B>K</B>)!<P><B>K</B> is 100% right. Those who insist on seeing Plan A as a purely "enabling" plan of action are missing the great strength behind it. It (Plan A as the affair continues or winds down) is the "unconditional love"... even Dr. Harley himself claims we don't have. The non-affair-approving way of loving our wayward spouses.<P><B>K</B> is quite right in his comment of your minister's actions. I have and continue to hold true to the idea that you "should hate the sin, <B>but</B> you must love the sinner." You can't force "repentance" down anyones throat... for then it won't be repentance. You're showing the kind of patience the father of the prodigal son had... a good "Father's" kind of patience. Your reward will be great. If you've read <B>lostva</B>'s recent post... you'll know what I mean.<P>Prayers for your continued loving patience... <BR>God will bless you.<P>Jim

EdB,<P>When I found out about my H's affair I called my minister. I didn't know what to do and had no one but my kids to talk to. He was floored to say the least and felt betrayed as well for my H was in a leadership position etc, etc,<P>The Pastor and 6 Overseers visited us 2 days later and soundly condemned my H's actions. They then proceeded to keep him at arms length. We have both struggled with the church's inability to discipline and love a wayward believer. It has caused much hurt and disillusionment in the ability of the church to handle sin in the life of a believer.<P>All of this to say that I have come to the conclusion that ignorance and inexperience seem to be the cause. I really don't think the average church leadership knows how to discipline in a godly manner. Its too bad for that in itself keeps people from total healing and restoration. <P>Try and be a teacher in this if you can. I have found that being honest and sharing what I see is God's order for church discipline has gone a long ways to preventing the same hurt from being inflicted on another couple in trouble.<P>This is my experience and I felt maybe it would help you to help your Pastor deal with something he seems to be unable to handle.<P>Prayers for you, Taj<P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18

EdB,<BR>While your ministers reaction is very harsh, right now your wife cannot work in the church. She is in a leadership role, and an leaders of the church cannot behave in continual sin. Now, I do agree that you should take a copy of "Surviving an Affair" and go through the principles with your pastor. This e-mailing is not an effective method of communication. Show him that you do have a step by step plan that is honoring to God. After the affair ends, you may have to look for a new church to attend. Your wife's anger at this pastor is going to be great if he continues such harsh judgement on her. If he exhibits some love after she is removed from her position, you may be able to remain. Remember to make sure that your wife is able to worship and grow in the church you attend. K is right that the fantasy of the affair will be ending. It is more important than ever that you be the one "safe haven" for your wife. Be her one force of stability. I know how difficult this is . Your wife is going to be facing some very difficult days ahead. Hang tough and remember that most affairs do die a natural death. <P>I never knew what it was like to totally rely upon God until my h affair. That is the one jewel I have gained from this whole experience. God is great!