<BR>My husband came to visit today and it was like old times which makes things incredibly hard! I guess I did a backslide now today! It was almost easier when he was being nasty to me. Today he was so nice and helped me fix things around the house, hugged me a couple of times, told me I look good and all this. So, of course I start thinking he wants to come back. Of course I am still going through with the divorce. I have to get on with things. Of course my husband tells me he is going to come back and visit the boys on Saturday. The funny thing about his visit today was that he showed up 20 minutes before the boys had to start school. I took them and dropped them off and came back home. H wanted me to help him with his child support papers. Then he wanted me to call my work place and let them know I would be late. We went for a drive and talked and it really was like old times. He made absolutely no mention of the ow. I don't know if you read my thread about a neighbor making a harrassing phone call but a neighbor did call me and ask me if I wanted to have casual sex. Well, my friend called the police and we reported it. But, I told my h about it. Then just as a joke, I asked him if he wanted to have casual sex. Then, he laughed and I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "You know I would." Well, I told him it was a joke and that I didn't need it. God how I wanted it though. He did say that it would just confuse the issue. Anyway, we spent two hours together, just the two of us this morning and it was nice. I didn't know he was coming either. He sent me an e-mail at 6:30 am telling me he was coming this morning, but my internet connection wasn't working so I didn't get it. He showed up on the doorstep and knocked. Then, he came back after the boys got out of school. He wanted to take them to the park. Well, when they were getting ready to leave he asked me if I was coming. So, I went. We were at the park for an hour and a half. He spent most of the time talking to me. I mean the majority of the time talking to me. We talked about fixing up the house to sell it. I had told him this morning that my oldest son doesn't want to move back to our home state. My h said it wouldn't bother him if we didn't move. He said he would like to have us close so that he could see the kids more often. He told me I could keep the house. I reminded him that I wouldn't be able to afford it. When we got back home from the park we went and rented a video game for him and the boys to play. He stayed for another hour and a half. Then he had to leave. You know, it was getting close to the time the ow was going to be getting off work. His trailer trash sweetie. I don't mean to offend anyone by that name but she is trash! Anyway, he left and then 10 minutes later he came back. He had said he was going to put air in my bike tires for me. He had forgotten to do it and he actually came back to do it. He has a little compressor he can hook up to his ciggarette lighter. So, he spent about another 20 minutes putting air in my tires and my son's bike tires. Then he reminded me he was going to come back on Saturday. It just feels so wierd. I guess you could say I did the perfect plan A today. I do have to say that I told him that I regretted not jumping at the chance to have sex with him. I can't help it. I do miss that. Is that awful???? We always had very good sex. I guess the reason I didn't go for it was because in a way, I felt like I would be lowering my standards. At the same time though, I wanted it. God help me!!! I guess I feel ok now though.<P>Anyway, this visit today made it really hard for me. I hadn't seen him for 9 days. I talked to him on the phone once. We have sent a couple of e-mails to each other. I guess I wasn't prepared for his surprise visit today. Now, I have Saturday to look forward to. Well, I can't say that I am looking forward to it. It just makes things so hard! Why do they confuse us so?<P>Well, I just remembered all sorts of things I was supposed to do today and completely spaced off due to my husband coming and confusing me so! Take care everyone!<P>~Woozy<P> <BR>

Woozy, They confuse us because they are confused. They still haven't figured it all out. I think they start to see glimpses of reality. BUt they just don't know how to come all the way into it. So when they have those glimpses they contact us, then they slide back into fantasy land. I don't really know what else to tell you. I wish I could be more help but I ma just as confused by my H actions as you are by yours. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Thank you for reminding me of that SDS. I keep forgetting to try and figure out what he is thinking as he doesn't even know what he is thinking himself! I pray to God that he will wake up and realize what he is doing. He is throwing away a lot by giving up on our marriage. I know that I am going through divorce and all. I feel good about things and about getting on with my life. It is just that when he comes around acting ALMOST normal it makes me crazy! I guess I can almost see why it doesn't work to be friends when you separate or go through a divorce. I can see that I read more into things than there is. The thing is, we always got along so well. That is the hard thing. We got along wonderfully today. But then he has to turn around and go back to the ow. It broke my heart and my 7 year olds heart. He doesn't let it show until bedtime. He wasn't raising a fuss about going to bed. He is a very good boy about going to bed. He just had a problem going to bed tonight and I think it is a direct result of his father's visit. I do just wish he could snap back into reality and be the man I used to know, you know, before he was abducted by aliens and replaced by this fool of a man. I do still love him and I would love for our marriage to work but I can't sit around for a couple of years waiting on him to get his act together. He may never get it together. So, divorce, here I come. WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!<P>Woozy

I like the way you explained that SDS.<P>I wish I could grab a firm hold on H when he's in the short span of reality. My luck he'd jerk me into fanasy land instead of me holding him in reality.<P>Keo

I think I have snapped! I keep thinking about the day I had with my h yesterday. I wish he could snap back into reality and figure out that he is supposed to be here with me and his kids. I am slipping here. I had been doing so good and then he and I have a nice day together and it just made me want more! Then, he called me just a little bit ago and wants to come over to the house tonight after he gets off work. He wants to get MY GRANDMA'S cheesecake recipe and the cheesecake pan that I got as wedding shower gift so that he can make a cheesecake for work tomorrow. I wanted to ask him to stay here and bake it. BUT, I didn't. I know he will be in a hurry to get back to his little woman. I am just hurt is all. I don't really want to part with my cheesecake pan. I have two. I really want to give him the one that isn't as good but it has some inserts that you use with it and I do like them. I suppose I can always just give that one to him. The other one holds very special meaning to me as it was a gift from my sisters for my wedding shower. I think I will just give him the junky one. That really has no meaning to me anyway. I hate it when he just shows up. He will be here 10 minutes and then leave. The last time he called and said he was going to come over to get my brother's car, I packed the boys up and took them to McDonald's so they wouldn't have to see them. I figured it would be too heart breaking for them. WAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I wish my h would get his head out of his a$$ and come home and be normal again! Yes, I am still planning to file for divorce, someday. Maybe he will file first and put me out of my misery!<P>~Woozy

Your H behavior is so confusing!?!? But maybe you need to set some boundaries with him. It's like he wants to come and go in your life whenever he wants. I don't know, I mean if it doesn't bother you but you shouldn't get your hopes up that it means anything.<P>About the cheesecake: Probably a lovebuster but I would have told why are bothering me why don't you ask OW to bake it for you?

You are right. I think my h would like to be able to come and go as he pleases. I guess the thing is, I am not ready to set those boundaries. But, you are right, it makes me get my hopes up. I do know better. The thing is, I do feel that he would really like to be here but he just feels like he has screwed up so bad and he also feels like he can't face any of our family. That is probably a misinformed statement. Well, it is misinformed. IT is just me trying to read his mind. DUMB IDEA! He doesn't know what he is thinking, so how can I? <P>The thing about the cheesecake that bothers me is that he is just coming to get the pan and the recipe and then he is going to go to her trailer and make it there. That was always our special thing!!!!!!!! He is the one who makes the cheesecake. It is my grandma's recipe but once he figured out how to make it, he always did. <P>Am I wrong to try and remain on friendly terms with him? I keep thinking these stupid thoughts that if I stay friendly with him he will wake up and realize what a doofus he is being. <P>I am planning on filing for divorce. I have a very good friend though who sort of convinced me not to rush into it. She reminded me that divorce is so final. I didn't rush into marrying my husband so why should I rush into divorcing him! This is so contradicting to what I was saying a week or so ago! <P>Thanks for the advice though Kal Grl! I should probably go for the plan b thing. It is just too hard for me to think about at this time though!<P>~Woozy <P>

Woozy,<P>I'm in no position to be offering advice. ;-)<P>But: How about offering to help your husband make the cheesecake at your place? If he refuses, you can still give him the other pan.<P>

The Marriagebuilder concept is to remain consistent in your behavior. If you are in Plan A then being friendly is okay but that doesn't mean being a doormat or always being available whenever he wants something.

Hello,<P>Just an update on the cheesecake thing... He showed up wearing a sweatshirt of mine. I think he has been thinking about me. Well, I am in la la land too these days! He told me I looked good and asked me if I was going somewhere. I said no. He liked the outfit I was wearing and said it looked good on me. He stayed for three minutes and left... BUT, he drove 30 miles out of his way to get a cheesecake pan and recipe. I asked him if he was making the cheesecake tonight and he said no. So, I don't get the whole thing. I don't think I have been a doormat since he has moved out. I changed the locks on the house so that he can't come and go as he pleases. He has asked me three times for one of our television sets and each time I told him no. So, I am standing my ground. I did waffle on the cheesecake thing. The funniest part is that I was absolutely not going to let him have the cheesecake recipe because it is my grandma's! That was always mine and my husbands thing, bake cheesecake. Oh well! It is time to learn to let go! I hate feeling like he is thinking that he wants to be here with us. I have been so d@mn nice when he is around but it really sucks when he leaves to go back to the ow. Oh, the best part, he has a hickey on his neck from her. She is 41 years old. Now, don't you think she is just a little bit old for giving hickies? I am sorry! I am 30 and I don't have the compulsive need to give my husband hickies! Oh, I just like the fact that she is 11 years older than me too! She is 9 years older than my h. I think he was looking for a mommy figure! Anyway, thanks for the thougthful advice and I will be careful not to be treated like a doormat!<P>~Woozy

{{{WOOZY}}}<P>I wrote you a really nice reply and I don't see it here. I am having problems getting kicked offline lately. Sorry you missed my post, I am following you today, just had a death in the family, and checking in briefly. Dana<BR>

A hickey????? No way. Well then you must have done very good. I think seeing that would have devastated me. YUK!<P>I agree about the friendship part. Stbx and I had been friendly for a short time....but I think it just confused me more. When he was nice...I got my hopes up. Maybe he did too....but I was so overwhelmed that I wouldn't look at it that way...so I just plan B'd it. Has been way, way easier.<P>I keep it short and simple. I have to. I am one of those people who only hear what I want to and throw the rest away. He can say 50 mean things...but the one nice one I will think about until my head hurts. I know, "mental"! <P>Good luck...sounds really interesting. I think maybe glimpses of reality keep coming back to him.<P>Mine....that will never happen. It has been 11 months for me and he has only shown a few signs...but he follows them up with mean stuff to make up for those feelings.<BR>N

Thanks for the replies! <BR>Nancy,<P>I don't know how I held it together when I saw the hickey on his neck. I didn't say one single word to him about it! The way I look at it is she must be very insecure to have to give him a hickey. It is like she was marking her territory! What a sleeze bag!<P>I know I should not get my hopes up. I have my divorce papers that I am supposed to finish filling out so that legal aid will appoint an attorney to me. I just kind of keep letting them lie there. I know I need to get on with things. The hard thing is that I just want him so incredibly bad all of a sudden! Is this normal? <P>I guess the thing I am also bothered by is the fact that we never come out and discuss whether or not either one of us is filing for divorce. I think he just assumes I am doing it. I worry that he is doing it. We mention divorce in passing. The other problem is I don't really feel like we discussed why we are doing this. I have lots more questions! I am kind of lost right now! I shouldn't be going back and forth on this all of a sudden! I guess we will see what Saturday brings. YIKES!!! I am not sure I want to think about it!<P>Dana, I am so sorry to hear about the death in your family! Thank you also for the nice post. I wish I could have read it! My internet connection has been on the fritz lately too. In fact, I don't even know if I will get to post this message as it is on the blink right now! I just happened to be working on this when I lost my connection! Bummer! I have a cable modem. It is supposed to be so much better than dial-up according to my h. Well, I want my dial-up back! <P>~Woozy

Woozy,<BR>I am sure that is why I plan B'd it. For my emotional health. Just seeing him and hearing him talk nice turned me into emotional mush. Si bad that I couldn't hide it. See, easier to just not be friendly.....just civil....short and sweet and simple. <P>The way I look at it is...I don't want to be his "friend". Friends don't treat other friends like he treats me. I don't find him friendly at all....unless he wants something....and being a mother, I'm pretty on top of that one. And that is just it...I feel like I am dealing with a child. No thanks<BR>Nancy

Nancy,<P>I guess I have been staying tough and strong when I see him. In some ways, I think that is why he is being so nice. I do think it is driving him nuts to see that I am ok without him. I think what I am missing right now is the physical aspect of our relationship... Meaning the sex. It has been almost a month now since I have been with him in that way and I miss it. Seeing him the other day made me want him like that again! I should know better. I think it was because we got along so well and it did remind me of old times and he didn't say anything nasty. He didn't even say one word about the ow and I didn't either. As you know from my previous post, I jokingly asked him if he wanted to have casual sex. He said, "You know I would." Then I said I didn't need it. He said it would just confuse the issue. Well, when I went to work after he left, I told one of my friends about it. She said I should have went for it. After she said that, it made me wish I had. When I saw him after I got off work, I told him I sort of regretted not doing it and I told him that I told my friend that he turned me down. He said, "I didn't exactly turn you down." But, I know it would be wrong to do that. I think I would begin to feel like the ow even though I am still legally his wife! Plus, my family would shoot me if they found out! Does anyone else have these feelings??? Am I just going insane? I miss sex! Sorry, I do. I can't help it! I must be hopeless.<P>~Woozy

WEll, Guess what???? My h came today to visit AND, he baked ME a cheesecake!!! He let me drive his new car, he hugged me, scratched my back, gave me a backrub, hugged me some more, got tears in his eyes when he said he had to leave. He had to get up and walk away from me when he got tears in his eyes. Then he stayed and ate pizza, then he told me I look good, etc. etc. etc. Yes, I am totally confused. I think part of him still wants to be here. The smart part of him still wants to be here. The stupid, midlife-crisis part of him tells him he has to go back to that tramp. He didn't talk to me about her at all today again, or her kids. He brought me a cd of assorted songs that he had copied off various cd's with his cdwriter. I don't know, it was just a good day. Yet it sucks because he left to go back to her. I am just being a friend to him right now. Yes, I still love him like crazy!! I can't help that. I have loved him for 15 years. I had a crush on him since I was 14 years old! I'm 30 now. Half my life with him. I can't just stop loving him! I don't know what we are doing! We made no mention of divorce today. We are being true conflict avoiders about the divorce subject! Against my better judgement, I am hoping and praying to God that he will come back to us! I am hoping and praying to God that he will find a way to get help for his problems that he has been avoiding! I guess I just wanted to give an update on the situation.<P>~Woozy

Woozy,<BR>Thanks for the update....made me feel kind of warm inside and I smiled too. It sounds so good. <P>To answer your question...yes...I miss the sex with him. It will almost be one year for me. <P>Maybe I don't actually miss the act of sex.....just his physical presence. The warmth of his body.....the warmth of his touch....the feeling of being in love. No electric blanket could give me that feeling. LOL. I do miss him....even after all he has done.<P>Somedays I feel like screaming.....I want my old H back.<P>But he is not coming back....so it would just fall on deaf ears.<P>Good luck to you......it sounds so promising.<P>I wish both of you the best.<P>Nancy

Hi Nancy,<P>Thanks for your reply. I wish all our spouses who are off in la la land would just wake up and snap out of it. Sometimes as of late, I am afraid I am going off into la la land! That of course is no thanks to my h and they way he has been treating me when he has been here. <P>I know what you mean about the physical presence of them. I miss that at night. I miss him holding me at night. He always would hold me so close. Every night when I would come to bed he would hardly wait for me to lay down, he would grab me and pull me close to him and hold me. In the mornings when he would have to get up for work, he would always say I felt so good and he didn't want to get up. I miss those things. My cats keep me company in bed. We have one cat who we nicknamed wedgie. The reason for this is because when we would go to bed at night we always would wrap around eachother. Then she would come and lay in between us and slowly sink in. I told him today that she misses him at night because she can't be a wedgie anymore. <P>I have completely lost it. I have gone from being sensible to being so hopeful. I am still trying to be careful and realize that he may not come back. At this point I think he feels like he has passed the point of no return. I want to say I am reading too much into his actions but how do I say that? Look at his actions towards me. <P>It just was so hard when he said he had to leave and got tears in his eyes. We were sitting together on the couch looking at the newspaper together. We were very close and we were looking at each other and he said that. I felt like he knew he belonged here and didn't want to leave. Yes, I am making myself crazy now. I must quit this.<P>I want my old h back too! Hard part it, my old h has sort of been back. I just want him completely back. I am bawling now!<P>Woozy