Why is this significant to me? Because I actually ate something at breakfast time. I am one of those that just doesn't eat when I'm stressed - sooooooooo - haven't been eating much of anything for quite some time. Just enough to keep my body going, but probably not enough to fuel anything else.<P>Why the change? I'm still trying to figure that one out, but maybe because I've decided (but realize I'm still ambivalent about it anyway) to say to my H "It's my way or the highway." Actually, I have already said this many times, but this time I believe that I have the strength to actually do it and hold to my conviction that it is the right thing for me. I have allowed myself to remain miserable. How fun can that be to live with - for him? I know it hasn't been much fun for me.<P>This doesn't mean that I can act, or behave, or react any differently to my H. I have built up a wall of hurt so high that I'm going to have to dig myself out, because I don't think I can get over it. <P>He doesn't think he should have to prove that his relationship with OW is over. His living w/ me and the kids should be enough. Well, it's not. I can't say, truthfully, that I have tried to make our marriage any better lately either. <P>I am going to start fueling myself better so that I will be able to face what lies ahead.<BR>Is this a revelation? Or just facing reality? I think it's just facing the reality that this realtionship is coming to an end (or maybe it ended a long time ago and we just weren't willing to face it).<P>Okay, enough rambling......I just felt that I had a turning point while munching in the morning.....<p>[This message has been edited by RCoaster (edited March 19, 2000).]

Rcoaster,<P>My H also thinks it is not necessary to prove that the relationship with OW is over or for that matter even existed! I know how frustrating that can be. My H is not living at home so it makes it even more difficult to trust him. He tells me that he is not sure if he wants to make the marriage work or if he really wants a divorce. But he doesn't care if I believe him because he has nothing to prove to me <P>I finally had a long heart-to-heart with him. I told him I was willing to work on our marriage, but since he couldn't decide what he wanted, I would assume that he wanted this divorce. He was not really happy with that statement but had no choice but to accept it. Also, I told him that if he came to a decision to give me a call. Otherwise, I would just go on with my life and the divorce, which is final next month. <P>Personally, I think these spouses are so wrapped up in their own pain they don't realize the pain they have caused us. How very sad. I just try and leave the door open but continue with my life as best I can. <P>Only you can decide when you're ready to give up and move on. Don't make it a rush decision as you may regret it. I know my situation has been going on for only 8 months, and it seems like an enternity! I have gotten extremely close to giving up several times. For some strange reason, I keep hanging in there. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. <P>I guess we will all know when it is time to give up. At least I hope so. Glad to hear you had some "munchies" this morning. Definitely keep up your strenght as you never know when you may need it. Take care and good luck. <P>Tulip<P>

Thanks Tulip,<P>I've been stuck in my realtionship ambivalence (got this from a book I read and it really applies to me). Maybe my H really has stopped communicating with OW, but I know that she has been communicating with him, does that make it different? He has said he would tell me if he got any messages from her - but does he? I can't trust that he will or would. Why should I continue to obsess about it anymore? It sure hasn't done me any good.<P>It's just really hard to let go of a relationship that has been so important. I know, from previous experience, that he would want to remain 'friends'(and our definitions of friends are different - he'd still want affection to be shown and I wouldn't be able to do this anymore). While this is all well and good for the sake of our kids, I won't really be comfortable with it and will have to distance myself even further from him. We can talk about the kids anytime he wants to, but that is going to have to be where I draw the line. No touching, hugging, etc. If I do that again I will go right back to missing the way it used to be and I wouldn't be able to move forward.<P>My problem, I think, is that I've left the door open too wide. He comes and goes as he sees fit. All too often his going includes OW (I'm not talking about moving out) and I let it go, and let it go, and let it go.......then his coming back includes the OW and I let it go.......Boy, am I rambling today. <P>I am sorry about your divorce. Does it get any easier with the seeming finality of it?<P>

RC,<P>Hey! I'm glad you can eat now! But at the same time I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are. <P>I don't think it gets easier just because you think you might be headed for divorce. I thought I felt good about it and most times I do. But I still have days where I struggle to get out of bed. This weekend has not been good at all. I'm really getting tired of feeling this way. I will be glad when it is finally all over so I can get on with my life. I just hope this divorce doesn't take too long. I know a lady and she filed in 1998 and her divorce still isn't final. YUK! Don't want my life on hold for that long!<P>You take care,<BR>Mitzi

Hi RCoaster,<P>As far as the finality of the divorce, I think it does get a little easier but at the same time it is rather depressing. I go through a lot of different "mood" swings. One day I can't wait for this thing to be final so I can move on and the next day I miss my H so much and can't imagine it will be over so soon. I guess this is normal. <P>I don't cry much about anymore. Actually, I can't rememeber the last time I cried about it. I guess what keeps me going is the fact that until he comes to his senses, and I know he will one day, that I don't want to be "second" best. I think the OW is LBing big time and I try to be just as nice as possible when I have to talk to him. <P>Also, I bought the book "Divorce Busting" after Teddy Bear recommended it to me. I think it has some good concepts on things to try when nothing else has worked. Are you fimilar with this book? If not, it says to do the exact opposite of what your spouse will expect you to do. I didn't talk to my spouse for 2 months and guess what? I found out that it really bothered him that I wouldn't talk to him! Of course, this is before I read the book so I didn't really realize that was what I was doing. Apparently, I was doing something right! <P>Maybe this is what you spouse needs. Obviously, you can't not talk to your H since you are living with him, but there are probably other things you could do to shock him a little. Since you say you havee left the door open a little too wide, maybe it is time to shut it a little but not all the way. It is sooooooo hard to figure out what works!!!! It sound like your H has not completely given up since he is still at home. But I am not real fimilar with you story. Take care.<P>

Hi Mitzi.....<P>I'm going to start a thread about how to gain weight - I can't be the only one out here that struggles with gaining just as much as others struggle with losing it.<P>No, I know divorce isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination. It will be a struggle <BR>I gave H until this Friday - why? When I brought it up he said I was only trying to ruin his golf weekend with the guys. (This was not just a decision made on Thursday night - sheesh) You see, this is what he thinks. If he really feels that all I am trying to do is ruin his good time, then what hope is there of ever working anything out? Did I LB? You bet. I know this forum is on marriage building, but that assumes that there is a marriage to build on. (Okay, flame away)<P>Anyway, look for the gaining weight post....maybe someone else has the same problem that I do.

Tulip and RCoaster,<BR>Were either of you able to figure out specifically what you would need to prove to yourselves that the OW is out of your H's life? When faced with a request like that, without being specific, it may be pretty discouraging to the other spouse. <P>As an ex-betrayer, at times it felt like there were simply endless hoops to jump through and nothing I did was good enough. My ex made a list of all the things he wanted me to do. I would do those things, then if something unexpected came up, he'd accuse me of seeing the OM or wanting to see him, or whatever even though I wasn't. I carried a cell-phone that only my H had the number to, had a pager that only my H had the number to. He had my e-mail passwords for both my work and home computer. After a while it began to get ridiculous.

RC,<P>You definately won't get flamed from me! I understand that there are just some marriages that aren't worth saving. <P>How about a thread on maintaining weight. I would be ok not gaining anymore but I can't lose much more either. I'm 5'2" and weigh about 110. I just don't want to look like a skeleton. I forced myself to eat something and now I'm basically fighting to keep it there. YUk what a feeling!!<P>Mitzi

Hi RC,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Maybe my H really has stopped communicating with OW, but I know that she has been communicating with him, does that make it different?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>My H says the same. And dammit, it doesn't make it different as far as I'm concerned. If he can't STOP her from communicating with him, then he's bringing it on.<P>

TheStudent,<P>I'm sorry, I know it must get old having to prove yourself over and over....but at least you're trying. Yes, I have given him <B>specific</B> things that would help me get over at least the first hurdle. Such as, telling her in front of me (or with me on the phone at the same time) that it is over between them - or at least writing her a letter. Let me listen to those phone messages that you get (this is how I found out that she was still contacting him) Is this too much? Obviously it is for him because he refuses to do anything.

The Student,<P>Yes, I have asked my H to do several things to prove to me that the relationship is not more or never happened or whatever! He still says that he has nothing to prove to me. Am I wrong to feel that I need to be able to trust him. He says if he comes back home that that is proof enough! Not to me, when everytime I am around H, she is calling him nonstop! It is like she is obsessed to know his whereabouts. I find it very hard to trust when this is going on.