I'm new here. I've been reading alot of stuff on this site about infidelity, how the betrayed feel, how a betrayer feels. I am a betrayer. I'm not married, but I've been deeply involved with a married man for over 16 months. Last night I had a sort of revelation. I want to run, run far away and never look back. I no longer want this life I'm in. The man I am involved with is in the process of divorce. It has been this way since I met him. <P>I am overwhelmed with guilt. I've tried, unsuccessfully to break this relationship on 3 occasions. This morning I drove to work, kept my cell phone off, didn't answer pages, and didn't return calls. Did it work? No. I was weak. He truly loves me. No, not fantasy as I often read here. I know everything about what is and has happened in his marriage. His wife doesn't want the marriage to be "fixed". And even knowing this, I hate myself for being here with him. <P>I want to end this but I know it will be with alot of pain involved. I spent all of last night awake trying to find strength within me to finally do the right thing. The only thing I kept thinking about was to end my life and the pain that I've caused. <P>I read here that not all Other Persons are trash and that is true. I'm not trash. I didn't sleep around. He was already separated and not living at home when we got together. He's still separated and the divorce will be final in about 6 weeks. But it doesn't change my overwhelming feelings of guilt that somehow I am keeping him from trying to work on his marriage. <P>I want out. Like yesterday. Because right now, tomorrow may never come.<P>Lori

(((((Lori))))))<P>I am also a betrayer and I am married. Life is worth way too much to end it over guilt<P>Not knowing your story in full, what has made you decide this? How long had they been seperated when you entered the picture?<P>Or what is all this guilt coming from, or are you realizing this is not the relationship for you now that it is almost "yours" with the divorce being final.<P>I guess I am just wondering what made you suddenly realize this was "wrong" if it wasn't really wrong?<P>Regardless, You are worth more then the cost of one "mistake" post again please!!!<P><P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>catfrommb@yahoo.com

Thanks Cat for your reply. Guess no one else sees this as a bad thing. You ask why I feel guilty? Well, I think its because I've known this man through work for a few years. I knew when he started having problems. He never really talked to anyone about specifics but nevertheless, I never encouraged him to try to make things work. Somewhere along the line I've begun feeling like I'm involved and yes, in love, with a man who never really tried to work things out with his wife. Maybe I don't know all the details of their breakup, but somehow I am feelings like if I had never started dating him, there may have been a chance for him and his wife. Maybe I'm on the wrong forum. I just feel very confused. It's like I'm happy in the face of his wife's misery. Doesn't seem too nice to me.

Lori Beth,<P>Just be a little patient. People here do care and will offer a tremendous amount of support. Tonight has been unusually slow.<P>Now, welcome to marriage builders. There are a lot of betrayers so when you post a topic, post it specifically to them. That may help you get more responses. There are also a lot of other women (OW) and other men (OM). <P>I don't have much advice for you. I know from reading posts that it is hard and painful to end an affair. Just keep posting and praying.<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Lori Beth,<P>I know all too well that you cannot force someone to work on their marriage. If he wanted to do so, he wouldn't have been separated and in the process of a divorce when you started seeing him. Don't let the guilt eat at you like that. It is really misplaced and please *begging* force that thought of ending your life right from your head. Nothing and no one is worth taking your life over. <P>I am an OW myself and deeply in love with a MM. We have tried to end it several times ourselves but to no avail. I'd be jumping for joy if he decided to leave her but that's never going to happen. The pain and guilt may seem unbearable at times but trust me, you can get thru this. <P>Hang in there.....and just because no-one posted right away, don't give up. Seems lots more people are on during the day than at night.<P>

Hey Lori,<P>It's kind of slow tonight, some of us have marriages to screw up, mine's to Cat who posted above. I wanted to let you know things should pick up and people do care, especially if a life is at stake, just search on Sobeit's name. All are welcome in our little corner, betrayed, betrayer, other persons, though not everyone shares that opinion, most of us do.<P>Just try to make it through tonight with a and we'll talk more tomorrow. Okay?<P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Lori Beth,<P>PLEASE don't do anything to harm yourself. Your feelings of guilt are mixing with depression over the loss or potential loss of someone you hold dear. You aren't really thinking clearly right now, so don't do anything drastic. Get help if you continue to have suicidal thoughts.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Somewhere along the line I've begun feeling like I'm involved and yes, in love, with a man who never really tried to work things out with his wife. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You started your relationship with him under much better and more honorable circumstances than many betrayers we hear about. It is fabulous that you realize that even so, the conditions may not have been right. Now you have fallen in love and your emotions are in conflict with your conscience. <P>Even though I am a betrayed spouse, my heart goes out to you. I do have compassion for your predicament. Thank you for allowing us to help you do what you know is the right thing.<P>Although you may backslide and feel too weak to pull away, keep on trying. Let yourself feel the pride of doing the right thing when you do it. Didn't take that call? Great! Didn't read that email? Fabulous. Called him back? Well, do better next time - listen to your conscience, not your heart.<P>Remember too, that although it hurts now, you are doing yourself a huge favor in the long run. You deserve someone who comes to you "free and clear". <P>If you are willing, let God help you with this. Even if you were never "religious" before, give Him a chance. You will be amazed - I was.<P>Take care. Keep posting. I'll be looking for you.

Thank you all for your kind words. You give me far to much credit for saying I started this relationship under much more honorable circumstances than other betrayers. <P>I'm afraid. Afraid of letting go. Afraid of getting hurt more than I hurt now. <P>2sad4words said that I'm in love but in conflict with my conscience. Wow - how remarkably true is that statement. Emotions vs. conscience. The battle between right and wrong. Or perhaps in my case between what I want and desire vs. what's morally right. <P>How did I ever get to where I am right now? Where do I go from here? This isn't where I intended to be. I got up this morning and cried looking at the person I saw in the mirror. It was me. I was ashamed of myself. If I'm not guilty of comitting adultery, what exactly is it that tears away at me?<BR>

Lori Beth-<P>You have come to a place that you soon see is full of people who really want to try and help you as best they can. So please believe that and also remember that self-care is an important area you may want to focus on as you make your way through this situation in your life.<P>The one thing that is central to all that visit this site is that spouses, people, etc. all do in fact unfortunately make mistakes but that alone does not make them a "Bad" or "Defective" person. You really do deserve to make a decision that is best for you but at the same time think about being able to Forgive yourself.<P>For a long while now, psychoanalysis, therapists and counselors have been the priests of our society, offering forgiveness and healing for those broken by various illnesses of the body and spirit. Modern day, or I should say 20th century psychoanalysis has taught us all something about how FORGIVENESS is central to healing.<P>Please think about that! A bood that you may want to read that I found helpful is "How Good Do We Have To Be? - A New Understanding of Guilt and Forgiveness" by Harold S. Kushner.<P>Check it out...it may present you with a new and different perspective in your situation to not be so hard on yourself and begin to heal as you forgive.<P>The best to you.<P>mrrlk

Welcome <B>Lori Beth</B>...<P>Yes... you too are welcomed! <P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>---------------------------------------------<P>About your post...<P>It will take time to sort your own thoughts out...<P>I few sites you may want to check out are the forgiveness sites...<BR><B>Forgiveness</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P>and if those hurting thoughts cross your mind...<BR><A HREF="http://suicidal.com/suicidecrisiscenter/" TARGET=_blank>Suicide Crisis Center... 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.suicide.html/" TARGET=_blank>Suicide and Suicide Prevention</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.newlife.com/info.asp#gethelp" TARGET=_blank>1-800-NEW-LIFE</A><P>There are a lot of caring people here...<P>We can encourage to give your friend a chance to work on his marriage. Take the lead from <B>azhootie</B>... She too is struggling intensely... (You can do a "search" on her posts!}<P>You are not alone! <P>Jim