I recently found an e-mail that the OW sent to my husband. She started the e-mail with, "Thanks for your e-mail". When I confronted my H he swore to me that he has not contacted her since I found out about the affair. He says that the only way she could know his e-mail address is that he had told her if we ever got the internet what he would set his e-mail up as. I was furious at OW for contacting my H. To my knowledge, there truly has not been any contact for almost two months.<P>I sent her an e-mail and told her just what I thought about her contacting my H. Everything about the way she has handled herself has been evil and spiteful and by making it seem like my H had contacted her was just another ploy - thats what I think anyway. I really didn't hold back my feelings and probably said some really mean things.<P>Well, I called her today because I just feel there are things still to say and it is as if I can't go forward until I do. She called me a F*&*&*( B*&&&## and said that her H found the e-mail and told me never to call her again.<P>In a way I am glad that her H knows the truth because I didn't think it was fair that my H and I have suffered so much and she can just go about life without any consequences. But I also feel very bad for her H because now he will have to feel the awful pain I have suffered and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. <P>I was doing so well in the recovery process until I found her e-mail and it sent me in a tailspin again. I sent her an e-mail out of anger and didn't think anything about her H reading it. <P>Should I tell my H what has happened? Obviously I won't ever be calling the OW again. What have I don????

Don't beat yourself up. Some will say this was a LB to your H. Some will say too bad, she (OW) should have thought about her H finding out with the continued contact. You have been through enough of a rollar coaster. I can't really say what you should do. But if your H finds out that you emailed her or called her then you will definitely know that they still have contact. And that she is still running to your H for emotional support.

Hi RHawkins:<BR>Husbands will deny contact. I am going through this right now. Mine became angry when I confronted his OW outside her house. He called my mother and told her to get the money ready to get me out of jail because he won't get me out of a legal mess if I try to hurt the OW (I wouldn't hurt her). He told me to stay away from her. Anyway, the OW just thinks I am a lunatic and she pretty much feels I am pathetic...maybe I am....but<BR>(see my other post of today) I know they are still seeing each other...sorry I am not much of a help but...our contacting the OW just makes us look pathetic and desperate....it just makes us feel better for the moment....then what? In my case the OW certainly is not afraid of me, but I have thought about sending her a smelly gift in the mail....just a thought.....

I would tell H. Only because I wouldn't want any secrets between me and my H. Open communication is the best!

I agree that you should get it out in the open. If he DID contact her he needs to come clean about it so you can move on in recovery. BUT, don't beat yourself up about any pain the OW *might* be feeling. She went into an affair with a married man - she should be ready to pay the price (pain and suffering). Also, I say *might* because she may have just told you that her H read the email to make you feel bad. Chances are good that he didn't, especially if SHE is sending emails to your H! She obviously would expect a response from your H, wouldn't she? Why would she send an email to your H if she was worried about her own H finding a revealing email? Doesn't make any sense to me. It's just more lies!!!<P>My H and I are doing wonderfully in our recovery, but he also hates the OW now and lets me do whatever I need to do to get through the pain and suffering. I've told her I won't leave her alone until she does the right thing (a heartfelt apology to me for the pain she put me through - she owes me that). I will continue to email her, call her, stop by her church - whatever it takes to make her life hell. And my conscience is fine...<BR>Mare

I'm sorry to say this, but it's very likely that your H contacted the OW. Otherwise, I find it very difficult to believe that she either remembered what he'd told her he'd set up his internet connection/account/e-mail up as, or that she guessed at it with amazing accuracy. Either way she'd either have an incredible memory and luck, or enough luck to inspire her to go out and buy a whole wad of lottery tickets.<P>I'm sure your H has been in contact with her although he claims to you he hasn't. It's so easy, being the betrayed who wants to forgive, to believe the betrayer who so commonly only wants to have his cake and eat it too. The likelihood that your H lied to you is greater than the likelihood that the OW was lucky enough to contact your H without his knowledge and/or permission. I know it hurts to think and read this, but it's the truth.<P>Remember, there are two people involved in this betrayal. Your H is as guilty of "ploys" and manipulating and lying as the OW. You need to take examine him, and his actions and words much more closely and with a much more critical eye if you don't want to get seriously burned.<P>If I were you, I'd tell your H everything. Watch how he reacts. It's likely that if he were still in contact with the OW, he'll either already know (in which case he'll either seem unsurprised or his reaction will be over-done), or will be hurt and outraged by what you've done. Only if he isn't in contact anymore with OW will he only express regret and hope that you aren't further hurt and that nobody else is further hurt.<P>What you need to look for is sincere remorse and concern for others on your H's behalf.<P>I think your reactions were perfectly normal and justifiable. Just try not to be too naive and too trusting. Your strong defense of the person who betrayed you the most may just be your downfall.<P>Be careful!<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>