I've been married for 13 years and we have two young children(6&4). She is a great mother and is good to me. We got married at a young age(22) and spent the first 7-8 years working our respective jobs and building our "nest egg". Life has been just "ok"....we don't do much together, and never have had the same kind of passion as I find with the OW. About a year ago, I was on a business trip and started an affair with another woman. At first, I think there was no intention of a long-term relationship, but we can't let go of each other, and now it's been almost a year. We are able to meet every couple of months(business travel) and for a while we were talking on the phone multiple times every day. She lives in AZ, and I'm in NC....so it's not easy to spend alot of face to face time together. She seems to be the ideal woman I had always dreamed of being with....she is sweet, loving, kind, beautiful in many ways. She is divorced and has 2 young children(11&6). She is also a very sexy and erotic lover, and we share many of the same sexual fantasies....this is something that I never have had with my wife. I am so confused by the strength and depth of my feelings for the OW....on one hand, I would love to spend the rest of my life with her and find/live the happiness that I've never had before. Then of course, I hate to leave/hurt my wife and kids. It's so hard to imagine not having my children in my house, and in my life everyday as they grow up. The OW wants me to decide to leave or work on my marriage(rightfully so...) and I am so confused as to what to do. It would be so hard for me to work on my marriage knowing the OW is still out there....and I wonder if it would ever be possible to have the same depth of feelings for my wife as I've had for the OW....we NEVER had the same kind of intimacy in our 13 years. I am so afraid of loosing what could possibly be the "right person" for me.....I've never ever felt so strongly loved by anyone...or felt so much love for another person. Is it possible to ever re-build the same type of passionate relationship when it never existed in the first place? Should I leave my wife and kids for the happiness of a long-term relationship with the other woman? Is it fair to stay married to my wife when I don't feel "in love" with her....more like roomates? This is so hard on both me, and the OW...we are both so madly in love with each other. We've tried breaking things off several times, but one or the other gets weak, and before you know it we are talking/emailing/and meeting again. Please advise....

Hello,<P>I'll be short and to the point.<P>Break off the adulterous relationship immediately.<P>Tell your wife the truth.<P>Find a good counselor to help you and your wife through this.<P>Come here regularly for support.<P>Get right with God.<P>As a betrayed wife I can promise you that no amount of physical pleasure or good feelings is worth the hell you are putting your family through. Do your wife and children deserve the unfaithfulness you are demonstrating?<P>You are living a little fantasy right now, seeing the other woman occasionally and always at her best. THIS IS NOT REALITY!<P>I have a strong faith in God, and one belief that has been proven to me over and over is that no evil goes unpunished, and that there is a very good reason that avoiding adultery is one of the Ten Commandments.<P>Also, ask yourself this question- have you ever known anyone to achieve true happiness based on making others miserable? I haven't, nor have I ever seen a marriage that was based on adultery succeed.<P>By the way, I'm a North Carolinian too. Welcome. The fact that you are here shows that you know what you are doing is wrong. Stop doing it, change your ways, get the help you need. It is not easy, but it is possible to straighten out the mess you have created. We're here to support and encourage you. Please keep coming.<P><BR>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

To whatodo:Please feel free to e-mail me at chatwithu35@hotmail.com i am in same situation and its killing me........thanx........;-)

Whattodo<P>Peppermint is right. <P>Please spent a few hours reading this site...not just the letters but the columns and others. You find that most affairs do not work. They fail because they are bases on deceitfulness and thoughtfulness. They make so many people miserable including yourself. Break it off for the sake of your wife your kids, the OW and her kids and most of all yourself. As soon as the newest of emotion and sex wares off and reality sets in you will be sorry for what you have done and by then it may be to late to save your marriage. <P>Get some help for both you and your wife and find out, after you have completely broken it off with the OW, about your wife. You married her for some good reasons...they are all still there you both just need to sort things out with some help.<P>J Willy

whattodo,<P>chatwithu35 offered you her email address. I don't think it's a good idea to be emailing a female when you are having these problems. It could turn into an amotional affair. <P>If you seriously want to work on your marriage, quit seeing the OW. Yes, it will be hard. But it can be done. Read as much info here as you can. I'm sure others will give you more advice too. <P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Welcome <B>whattodo?</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>--------------------------------------------<P>Now... about <B>your</B> post...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I think there was no intention of a long-term relationship, but we can't let go of each other... and for a while we were talking on the phone multiple times every day... She seems to be the ideal woman I had always dreamed of being with... She is also a very sexy and erotic lover... I am <B>so<BR>confused</B> by the strength and depth o my feelings for the OW... I've never ever felt so strongly loved by anyone...or felt so much love for another person... we are both <B>so mad</B>ly in love with each other... should I stay married to my wife when I don't feel "in love" with her...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...<P>These things you've said are a clear indication of how <B>addictive</B> an affair can be... The only thing missing is the ever present ("she's my soulmate")... and you probably were going to write that too...<P><B>YOU MUST END THE AFFAIR</B>...<P>There are no ifs ands or buts about it...<P>You will be leading yourself... the OW... and your whole family down a road of complete destruction... emotional, financial, and moral ruin!<P>Yes.. there are success stories!<BR>Yours can be one too...<P>Try and read up on the MB concepts and principles...<BR>find out why you've done this...<BR>find out (MORE IMPORTANTLY) how to fix it!<P>Yes... IT IS "possible to have the same depth of feelings for my wife as I've had for the OW"!<P>Yes.. IT IS POSSIBLE TO "re-build the same type of passionate relationship when it never existed in the first place"!<P>The only good thing the OW has said to you is "(she)... wants me to decide to leave or work on my marriage..." HERE IS YOUR CHANCE!<BR>Make the only right decision your children will see was important to their lives!<P>Do get the book...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... and if you can... to see where the affair will lead to if you don't stay with your W... get the book... <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A> by Frank Pittman (it's an eye opener for wayward spouses like yourself!)<P>We really want to help...<BR>Don't be scared off by the early replies...<BR>There are many waywards on this forum...<BR>Ask for <B>their</B> advice... for their insight!<P>You are <B>not alone</B>! <P>Jim

Hi,<BR>Everyone who has responded to you is giving you good advice based on a lot of painful experiences. Listen to them….<P>As to your questions about achieving passion, fulfillment, etc. with your wife, although it never existed before….. I am here to tell you unequivocally that YES you can find those feelings and even better more lasting ones with your wife, but it won’t just happen. It takes work. <P>Your wife is probably missing passion and excitement with you too, ya know. What have you done to ignite those fires? If she knows you value attractiveness/sexiness as one of you basic needs, don’t you think she might strive to be that for you? I underestimated that need in my H, thought I should dress like the schoolteacher that I am. Then I saw pictures of the OW. Lots of them. Lots of leg, lots of cleavage, SEXY poses. Well, that fired me up, because I am not unattractive. My entire wardrobe and my attitude have changed and my H now has a hard time keeping his hands off me. Give your wife a chance to grow and change. <P>We did not have a very passionate marriage before all this, but now. … VAVA VOOM. Most of the changes have been mine, after I read The Ten Second Kiss by Ellen Kriedman. But once the OW was out of the picture, who do you think my H turned to for comfort during withdrawal, or for affection, admiration, and reaffirmation? ME, of course. And since I was aware of what our goal for our marriage was, and what he was going through to some extent in ending the affair, I was able to give him what he needed, and then some. You and your wife need to establish what you want in your marriage and then DO IT. But the OW can not be anywhere in the picture for it to work. <P>I don’t have time to go any further into this now, but please listen to what the others here are telling you and realize that your relationship with your wife can change for the better. It won’t happen over night, but most certainly won’t happen if your energies are focused away from home. Both of you (all three of you) need to do a lot of reading, soul searching and growing.<P>Good LUCK<P>Pilot’s Wife<P>Good luck<BR>

whattodo,<P>those poor kids. Mine are 5 and 2. Have you been able to keep up a good front at home, or do you find you are much more stressed out and taking it out on them and your wife???<P>At least, that is what happened around here. It's hard to keep up a front. My h also had an OW on business trips. He managed to go more often, even though for him it was 10 hours of flying.<P>Have you read any of Harley's material?? Do you know what folks mean when they say it is a fantasy??? The feelings are very real, just ask my h. But you are not raising children together, dealing with leaky roofs, bills, in-laws, etc.<P>That's what they mean, if you were to marry her, you would have a reality check no matter how great she is.<P>It's been almost 5 months since my h ended his affair. It was very hard for him, and he cried often on my shoulder. But he would be the first to tell you we have something far more wonderful, his feelings for me are already stronger. It can be done. It takes reevaluating everything together and we have followed Harley's methods and been in counselling.<P>One last question, IF you could have a really wonderful relationship, would you want it to be with your wife, the mother of your children??<P>The fact you said there was never passion doesn't matter either. Believe me, my h said the same thing. We mostly had to make some changes, spend the kind of time together he and OW spent - dating. I just got back from a business trip with him to Argentina, just the two of us. It was like a honeymoon, and he got his business done.

whattodo,<P>This struggle is going to tell you a lot about your own character. I don't think it gets any tougher than this. Let me start with just a couple bullet points:<P>* The feelings are certainly real, but are they based on reality? Or are you giving each other the cream, showing each other your best sides, and thinking that is the whole package? And what are you giving your wife?<P>* Is the OW that impressive? She sounds like someone who has affairs with married men. Is that really something you admire? <P>* OK, the sex is fantastic - you are living out your fantasies. You said your wife is "good to you" As pilot's wife said, if your wife knew that this area was making your marriage vulnerable she might be willing to work at it and improve this.<P>I understand how tough this is. You are addicted, yes <B>ADDICTED</B> to a powerful drug. It kills you to think that walking away from OM is a real option. To avoid that your addicted mind will demonize your wife, convince you that you never really loved her, that she can't or won't change, that you deserve your happiness regardless of the effect on your wife and kids, etc.<P>Nobody ever likes to hear this: <B>You are experienceing a textbook case of infidelity.</B>. I advise you not to email chatwithu35 because there is a real danger that you will form a mutual validation relationship = "at least you understand me, those other guys just don't understand how strong our feelings really are" Blah, blah, blah. <P>Fixing your marriage will take an enormous amount of hard work, and that is AFTER the tremendous pain of confessing to your wife. It will take months, maybe even a year or two to start getting a healthy relationship. On the other hand you could walk out on your family today and be in OW's bed tonight. So easy - for you.<P>In a way you are lucky, since being with OW requires you to abandon your family. That at least is making you think twice.<P>You may get some flames. Unrepentant wayward spouses (WS) often do. Don't expect anyone here to say "Well, yeah, you are different, you should go for it with OW" That is NOT going to happen. However you will find an unending amount of support for working toward the repair and improvement of your marriage.<P>For another perspective, read Jill's posts. She has struggled with strong feelings like yours, but has taken a stand that all of us here admire.<P>Good luck. Keep reading and posting here. If you are religious, pray. If your aren't, you might want to think about what God can do to help you in very real ways in this situation.

Please, please listen to what the others are saying. As a betrayed spouse, there is nothing worse than your spouse living in such a fantasyland. My H always talked about me and the kids at work. How much he loved us, etc. Then, when ow came in the picture it all went down the drain. He has acted like the kids and I don't matter anymore as long as he is happy. <P>The stresses of everyday life causes married people to pull apart. This doesn't mean that it will be any different after living with the ow. The same old problems will be there or different new problems. Right now, you are enjoying only the "fun" things with ow. It is up to you to help gain that feeling of "passion" with you wife. As long as you are seeing the ow you will not be able to give your mariage what it deserves. <P>Also, children pick up on things quickly. They may not know exactly what is going on, but they will know if something is wrong. My son is 8 and he doesn't really understand that Dad is "having an affair" in the true meaning. He does understand that his dad abandoned him, his sister, and his mom. He understands that the ow takes up all of dad's time and dad really doesn't have much time to call or spend with him. He has even gone as far to ask me if I would leave him too. That statement broke my heart as the real victims of infidelity are the children. They are so innocent. Also, I believe kids learn their values from their parents. Do you want your children to think it is ok to have an affair on their spouses just bacause the "passion" is gone? <P>Everything in life worth having is not easily gained. My H has lived with ow for 6 months. Well, they are moving apart at the end of this month. Why? Because neither of them was what the other thought during the fantasy. Now the reality has set in. Paying bills, dealing with both divorces, etc. My H even tells me how dumb she is and can't carry on an intelligent conversation. Something my H desires in a woman. But in the beginning I heard about how intelligent she was, blah, blah, blah. <P>I hope that I do not sound harsh but it hurts to think another family is going down the tube because of the dishonesty of an affair. Your W and children deserve better and so do you. Post ALL the time because we will give all the support we can and help you try and build up your marriage. Take care.<P>Tulip

Whattodo,<P>Welcome to the forum. I have not read any replies to you , I wanted to get my reply in as soon as I read this.<P>First off, at least you are still considering all this, thats the good thing. I want to say that it is totally unfair that you compare these 2 relationships as you are. Your wife, has given you herself 100%. You made a vow to her when you married. You have broken that vow. <P>This other woman, has not been through what your wife has. Of course, your relationship with her seems so carefree. Kids have a way of changing the dynamics totally of a relationship. I am a little upset you would consider leaving your own kids behind to go with a woman and some OTHER MAN"S kids. Your children deserve the life you built for them, not OW's children. If she is so special, why isn't her ex in the picture? If she is so special, why doesn't she care that your wife will be left behind to pick up all this mess when you go to her. I am sorry to be disrespectful, but I have no tolerance for a woman who lets a marriage get wrecked like this.<P>Can you honestly say you have given to your wife what you give to the other woman?? The phone calls and sharing the fantasies? Your wife, has been bogged down with kids and a career and taking care of a family, its tough work. Sex is a powerful thing and yes, we all have needs and fantasies, but what about your wife's fantasies? Do you two talk anymore or does all your conversation go to the other woman.<P>I commend you for coming here and asking for advice. My advice is tell your wife the truth and save the marriage. It is not fair to her at all. Both of you can learn a lot from this site and all the information in the web site. Your wife may really want things to be different also, and this affair can and will change your relationship with her totally. Unfortunately, its a long hard road, but some people are better for it after they went through it.<P>Don't leave your wife, and more importantly , your children, who you brought into this world. They deserve better. <P>This OW will appear different when she has the everyday nitty gritty and her flaws will begin to show. She will demand you not speak to wife as much, etc, I see it with my own ex. I am telling you this from experience and what I see on this forum.<P>This all feels fun and exciting and you feel justified in your search for this happiness you've never known, but you can have this with your wife withouth wrecking innocent kids lives. <P>I am the betrayed. My Husband left me on xmas day for his "affair partner". He moved in with her. He has to take care of her and another man's child now. He pays her bills while our kids and I suffer (I work full time but was left with all the debt, which is partly his). I see him struggle with visitations, not wanting to give the kids back over, and the OW won't let him talk to me if she can help it.<P>You think your life is complicated now, you are going to have it worse when you go with OW. Just remember, if she can have an affair with you while you are married, she can also do it to you after you leave your wife. Its happened. <P>Good luck, be good to your wife, and work on the marriage , for your children's sake, for the sake of the marriage and your vows to your wife, and because its the right thing to do. You can't let other people make you happy, you find happiness within yourself. If this OW, gives you something your W does not, there is a reason, and W can replace the OW very easily. This OW will never be half as good as your wife.<P>Prayers are with you. Sorry if this was long, it just hits a little too close to home for me. Dana<BR>

Whattodo, whattodo, whattodo?<P>I'm sure that is a question you've been asking yourself for a long time now. All of us on this board are asking ourselves that, betrayed, betrayers, other persons. What in the he11 are we going to do?<P>You're here because you're tired of living the lie. The affair, the lack of feelings for your wife, everything. You are confused at what you really want, big suprise there, I'm sure. Is this passionate, new relationship all it is made out to be, and,if it is, would it be worth throwing everything you've worked so hard for right out the window. Problem is, what if it isn't, what if this new relationship gets bogged down by life just as your current relationship is? <P>Then you are a divorced dad with an ex-wife who cared a great deal for you, 2 children you get to see part-time, and you either end up alone, or with a woman who is no longer the wonderful passionate woman you fell in love with, but a woman with faults, annoying traits, and someone who isn't filled w/ love and passion everytime she sees you, because she sees you all the time now.<P>Now I'm not trying to make your feelings for the OW any less, because they are real, but consider taking the time, effort, and thought that you currently give to the OW and re-direct them to your wife. Even a quarter of the time would probably see a huge difference in your wife's behavior towards you. Get some books, His Needs Her Needs, by Harley, The 5 Love Languages, by Chapman. Find out what your wife wants, needs, and expects from you and let her know what you want, need, and expect from her.<P>You just need to read and post. Find out what other betrayers have done and are doing. Go through their pain of withdrawal and confusion at what to do. Empathize w/ some of the betrayed, find out what pain and misery this has caused in their lives and the lives of their children.<P>You are here to save your marriage. You wouldn't come to Marriage Builders for any other reason. I doubt anyone will tell you that you are justified in your feelings for the OW and tell you to get that divorce and run to her. You would have done that already if that's what you really wanted. Follow some of the guidelines here, get the books that are recommended, consider telling your wife, and stop contact first and foremost. You can't make any kind of decision w/ the OW in your life right now.<P>We'll be here for you, just keep posting and keeping us updated.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Whattodo?,<P>First, Welcome to MB. You will get a lot of good advice, understanding and support here. <P>I briefly scanned the other replys, but I'm limited on time right now, and wanted to post to you. Please, don't take offense at what I am going to say, it is ment in a Positive way, not as a criticism.....<P>I want you to think about these things. <P>You see the OW a couple of day every few months, and she is wonderful and exciting. You communicate by email and phone the rest of the time, and she is wonderful and exciting.... <B>What about the other 23.5 hours of the other 87-90 days in between visits & phone calls???</B> Do you honestly believe that her whole life is this way? <P>She is a Mom, just like your wife.<BR>She has chores, just like your wife.<BR>She does laundry, just like your wife.<BR>She cooks & cleans, just like your wife.<BR>She has bills & obligations, just like you and your wife.<BR>She works, cleans, cooks, takes care of 2 kids, and has 'down times', just like everyone else does.<P>All you "see" is the wonderful and exciting, the <B>FANTASY</B> portion of her life. Have you ever wondered what the rest of it is like?? It's not glamorous and exciting, it's <B>everyday life</B>, just like you and your wife have, but probably worse, because she is a single parent.<P>Now, look at what your wife has that OW does not.....<P>YOUR kids<BR>HISTORY with you <BR>She knows your likes & dislikes (what you share with her, anyway)<BR>She takes care of YOU and YOUR KIDS,<BR>She knows more about you than you probably know about yourself.<BR>SHE LOVES YOU, not just for the exciting and wonderful person you are sometimes, but for the person you are <I>EVERYDAY</I>.<BR>She knows which is your favorite shirt, your favorite meal, etc....<P>What you are seeing of the OW is just the dessert, you need to look at the <B>ENTIRE PACKAGE</B>, brussel sprouts and all.<P>Now, just a couple of questions....<P>When was the last time you and your wife went away for a few days ALONE? (no kids)<P>What was it like?<P>Have you ever told your wife of your fantasies? Has she ever been given the chance to fulfill them?<P>Ok, I'll leave it at that for now. I do want to tell you again...<BR>Welcome to MB. We are all here for everyone.<P>My thoughts & prayers are with you and your wife.<P>Butterfly<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

TO ALL OFFERING SUPPORT AND ADVICE:<P>WOW....I've been busy at work today and didn't get a chance to check back, and I amazed at all the sincere responses and advice. Some of them have been pretty mean towards the OW, but I'm just as much as fault as she is. My marriage was already in trouble before she entered the picture.<P>This is NOT the first affair I've had ....just the first that I ever thought of leaving my wife for. Is it not possible that I married the wrong person? Everyone makes it sound as if this can never be the case, and that nothing good can ever come out of leaving a marriage..... Might she not be better off with one who truely loved her? Would my kids not be better off being raised in a house filled with true love between their parents? <P>The OW was the one who gave me this site to post on for support and direction.....she says she wants happiness for me either by working on my marriage or by leaving my wife and being with her. Below is part of an email she just sent me regarding the responses i was getting from the forum:<BR>--------------------------------------------<BR>nope, the whole point of that site is to BUILD MARRIAGES. <P>There will be very few who will say otherwise....I wouldn't<BR>have pointed you there to benefit myself, ****. I think we<BR>both know what you SHOULD do........and since I'm not strong<BR>enough to actually do it, I am hoping that you will gain the<BR>strength you need from there to let me go. <P>See, I truly believe it is the most unselfish thing that a person<BR>can do to let someone go in the name of love. I wasn't just telling<BR>you that in hopes you'd leave *******. I try to practice what I <BR>preach. I guess by leading you to the MB Site, that was my way of<BR>trying to be unselfish and let you go. Because I know I can't do<BR>it on my own. Maybe you'll gain the confidence to make your marriage<BR>work from reading thru the posts that you received. <P>I hope that you will be honest though as you continue to post there and<BR>allow them to see that I am not the cause of your marriage being messed<BR>up. Maybe you'll get to the point where someone DOES say it's hopeless<BR>if you continue being honest about your feelings with respect to your<BR>marriage. Who knows?<P>And if not, then great! You'll work on your marriage and life will be<BR>good for you and no one except me loses out. Better me than anyone <BR>else - right?<P>damn these tears.<P>I'm leaving early today. Probably around 3pm. just in case you need to<BR>talk. I'll be in my car after that for quite some time, picking up<BR>********** on my old side of town (remember.....past where the point was) and then back<BR>home again so you can reach me by cell if you need to.<P>hang in there baby......this will all be over soon......one way or another.<P>ily,<P>j.<BR>--------------------------------------------<BR>Does she sound like the horrible person everyone paints the OW to be?<BR>

We try not to be too harsh towards the OW in any relationship. There are several betrayers who post here and are welcome. Honestly one of the people I have gotten closest to here is a betrayer and in my marriage I am the betrayed.<P>The best advice I can give you is, stop contact with the OW and work on your marriage. If after trying the marriage is over, then you are free to do what you want. Leaving your wife and children and going directly to another woman is not very promising. Statistics show that most of these relationships don't last. <P>Separation and divorce are hard enough on someone without a third person being involved. I am in the process of getting a divorce and have 3 sons (ages 10, 7 and 3). My older 2 sons have lost all respect for their father. My oldest one never wants to see him again. If my marriage was ending this is not the way it should have been. <P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Some OP's are predators who get a kick out of messing with someone's marriage. Others just want a "safe" relationship with someone who can't commit. Still others are just unhappy people who fall into something they shouldn't have.<P>Your OW sounds like the third category.<P>She's telling you she's too weak to do the right thing, and has sent you here so YOU can do the right thing. And since you're married, perhaps that makes sense. Did she know you were married when you started the affair?<P>Obviously she feels guilty. SHE knows what the right thing to do is. Do you?

Let me get this straight this is not your first affair and yet your current OW still wants you that; somehow things would be different if you and she get together.<P>As long as you and your OW are still in contact you can never be objective about your marriage. Now that you've posted the email from your OW I think everyone has figured out who she is. She came here looking for advice was told to have no contact which obviously she hasnt done. Now she sends you here. Just what do you two want? This is MarriageBuilders site. If you want someone to tell you your marriage is hopeless there may some who will but for the most part you will receive the same advice that was given to your OW.<p>[This message has been edited by KalGrl (edited March 20, 2000).]

If you get nothing from what these other people have been saying, hear this from a woman who left a h and drug two little kids through a terrible divorce to be with the om. I married the om and I do love him dearly but my marriage is not without problems and if you'll refer to resolving conflict under my posting "advice" you'll see exactly what I mean. <P>If you leave your wife, what you get will come at a hefty price and it might just mean what comes around goes around.<P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Dazed and Confused:<BR>Did she know you were married when you started the affair?<P>Obviously she feels guilty. SHE knows what the right thing to do is. Do you? <BR>--------------------------------------------<P>Yes, I think she knew(had my ring on)....we met during a business function, at a bar after hours....we were both drunk and very attracted to each other and spent the night together. <P>As far as "the right thing to do"....I wish it was so cut and dried as that. At times I wish I could develop the same closeness with my wife as I share with the OW. <P>We can have such fun together.....we both have many of the same desires, and always have a blast when we are together. I NEVER had such love for my wife as what I feel for the OW even early on in our relationship ..... maybe this is a common feeling, but it seems so RIGHT being with her(the OW). I know I've mainly seen just the good side of the other woman, but damn it's a good side. I think things would be easier to decide if at one time I had had these feelings for my wife, and just knew we needed to work harder to get them back. I just keep wondering if I could ever get as close to my wife as i am to the OW.<P>

Don't get me wrong but I think you will find that most of the betrayed here could have just added "blab, blab, blab" after the second sentence. I know I heard the same thing and MY WIFE NOW REALIZES SHE WAS OUT TO PUNISH HERSELF FOR FAILING IN OUR MARRIAGE. A typical thing I hear from her is "What the hell was I thinking". This OM actually disgusses her now. I am still haveing a lot of trouble with my marriage and getting it to work but the point here is that the OM was only filling a void.<P> My sex life with my wife is and has been a joke for some time. I have no problem with fantasies the difference here is that I don't act on them. If I would I know I would be right in your shoes. <P> Think about this, you only she her once every few months or so. YOUR DOING NOTHING HERE BUT DATING IN IT's EARLY stages. My sex life with my wife was unbelievable back then. You are living in a fantasy, check out the stories here and you see it for yourself.<P> During the last 6-7 months my marriage has had a few good times (and I do mean a few) but I'll tell you NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE WAS MAKING LOVE AS GREAT AS IT WAS ABOUT 3 MONTHS AGO. It happened when we were clicking and things were going good. Passion had been dead in our marriage for a long time but it was brought back to life. If the best I ever had before was a 10 that night it was a 100. <P> I'll be honest somehow me wife and I are back to having problems but the problems are between us right now and there are no 3rd parties. I don't know what has happened or why but I do have hope that we'll get back there.<P> THE BIG POINT HERE IS THAT YOU CAN REBUILD YOUR MARRIAGE AND BETTER. If your marriage is to ever get over this it will have to be better then ever before. It will crush your wife to find out but if she loves you and the two of you do try and work it out I think you'll find she come back better then you can remember and I think you find this affair only pales in comparision. It's in your hands do you go with someone who you really don't know and only get to see when everything is perfect (just like when you were dating) or do you go with someone who was everything you wanted in life, someone who you know is there for you, someone that has helped though the good and the bad. Your marriage is no different then everyones here. We all screwed it up for one reason or another but look at the longer timers and listen to how there marriage is today.<P><BR> I don't to many of them yet but look for NSR and K. I have found them to be helpful. You may find Jill who had an affair 3 years ago of interest. She found out who she wanted to be with and is dealing with what to do now.<P> There is a lot of help here, just ask<BR>