Finding out about my h's affair started Feb 6., his b-day. I had started going to the gym before this, have not stopped, will not stop. I have started going out. I look and feel great.<BR> <BR>Almost daily people tell me how good I look. That makes me feel good. I have been asked out a bunch of times. That makes me feel good. I know that I do not want a relationship with anyone but my h.. Sat. night he saw me with a friend, he was with ow. His arm was around her, when he found out I was there, the arm came off.<P>He tryed calling me Sun., not home. He called Mon. at work, not there. Today he called said how are you doing? I said GREAT! How about you? long pause, then o.k., called me babe once, called me honey once. Whats up with this??? <P>I have been looking long and hard at this. Was his emotional need of my weight enough to cause an affair?? He gained weight, I didn't have one. He drank every night, I didn't have one. on and on....<P>It's a P!ss poor excuse. I get a real high feeling when he does this, but then I crash. I don't get it. <P>Does going out with friends make it easier. You bet it does. Does it make me feel good that people are attracted to me? You bet it does. Right from the beginning of this, it started happeneing. Maybe there is something coming from ME, that I am approachable, that I am coming out of the shell I have been in. <P>Maybe I am coming to realize that I am better off without him. We were in fantasy land. He was my infatuation, addiction. I was too for him, but it wore off. <P>I go back and forth on this. I try and avoid the LB's, then it just makes me so angry. It hurts! I feel humilated!! Today I went to the Commissary (he's retired). I used to work there, one of the girls asked me, did you and your husband split up? I said yes, she said she saw him in there with ow last Thur.. Could he wait until were divorced? Could he file?????<P>Last Fri. am he came over and I gave him this letter, it was GOOD. Probably a major LB but I told him about him. About him needing to find himself, that he destroys all realtionships that hes in. On and on.. It really was good. He even said how good it was, doesn't know why he continues to do this. Told me how good I looked. Tryed to kiss me. Did give him a hug. <P>I just don't get it. It is so hard to understand. I don't think it could ever work again, I thought I was "special" I've realized I'm just one of many. He is so charming!!! You can't help but fall in love with him and then he drains you of everything (I MEAN EVERYTHING) and finds someone else. <P>Tomorrow, I will come back and not be angry and think why did I write all this. Why can't he love me! Why do I want him back! I haven't told my family yet. Don't know when I will. <P>Tracy

No reason to flame you.<P>ALl I can read is that you feel confused and hurt.<BR>That you're feeling good about yourself, and that you question yourself if it won't be better like this. But that you love your h and would want him back.<P>It just feels normal. A lot of us went trough the same kind of feelings.<P>When our spouse is having an affair there are a lot of contradictory thoughts in our head. <P>If meeting friends makes you feel more confident, I don't see anything wrong with that. You need to get your confidence back. And that's nothing wrong about receiving compliments <P>Take care<BR>Kat

I hear you, 4 months in and I am looking good, feeling great and having tons of fun. Also am considering a different relationship... still don't know but I am going forward but not burning any bridges.<P>J

T, why would anyone flame you? You are a human being having human emotions. You are correct when you say H has a lot of issues that he needs to work on. I read your profile and it seems that this man has no concept of the word commitment. He marries you after being divorced for 1 month, goes back and forth between you and his ex-wife, then has OW is with her now, see's you and now wants to rekindle things. Sounds like he has A LOT of growing up to do and there is nothing you can do to help him, unless he is truly ready to help himself. Just keep working on you, you will never be able to figure him out, because he doesn't know what he is about either.

I too think it is pretty common. I did an overhaul of my appearance when my H told me I wasn't attractive to him...there wasn't anything wrong with how I looked, I just was going for "comfortable & mom in a hurry".<P>A friend's husband saw me recently for the first time in a long time. He told her "Lor's hot, what's wrong with her H?" My friend loyally said, "And her personality is better than her looks. I don't know what went wrong with him." My H doesn't even know what went wrong with him...he thinks I'm beautiful now.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

YOU GO GIRL!!!! I know exactly what you mean. I have been doing the exact same thing. And you know what, my H all of a sudden became interested in me again (when I started going out). You always want what you can't have. You keep it up. Take care of yourself, have fun, enjoy feeling wonderful about you. <P>Viki

Tracy,<P>I think your words are so encouraging. Just because you had an emotional setback - you were more levelheaded than i have been in the 4wks since I found out about H's EA.<P>I can only hope to follow in your footsteps of strength.<P>

ok. Now I will tell you the rest of this. I saw his car Sat. night at this bar. I was with my x-husband, his best friend, and a girl friend. We set this up big time.<P>Since my H didn't know my x-s best friend, hes from out of town, we walked into the bar hand in hand etc. My x and friend were watching the whole time (my H and ow). They said he was VERY uncomfortable. Hee Hee Hee.<P>Today H called once again, I kinda expect it. He was in his car at the bank bla bla bla. He said once again How are you doing? I said Great!! You? Long pause once again and then o.k.. I said Why do you say it like that??? He says I really miss you. I think about you all the time. He says "My baby never calls me", I said I don't think thats a good idea. I asked if he was going to the gym. He couldn't but would like to go to see me. Again I said I don't think thats a good idea. <P>This up and down business is driving me crazy. I feel (my fantasy?) that we should be together. We NEVER fought. We always were together, always. The only problem other than the weight thing was my 2 girls, and I have woken up there. BUT, once again enough to have an affair with someone?? NO!!<P>Yes, he does have problems, I spelled ALL of them out in the letter I gave him Fri. WHEN he does ask to come back, I will insist that he gets help. I know he needs it. I know that I cannot do anything for him. Do I think we can have a good relationship?? You bet. (after I get through all this, and the mess its caused in my life). <P>I do love him. We have some problems that must be worked out. Since I met him, he was on the way up. Since he's been with "skanky ho" (my daughter called her and called her this)he's gone down hill. <P>The only thing is I don't want the patterns to repeat themselves, right now they are. That has got to stop. <P>Should I tell him not to call me? Should I tell him, don't call be babe, sweetheart, hoeny etc etc?? <P>I've not called him. I won't call him. Do I want to make him jealous?? You bet. It really has been amazing the compliments, the dates i've been asked to go out on. Am I interested in these men, NO. Do I want to show him that other people want me?? You bet. <P>Do I flirt?? You bet. Do I like it?? Kinda. Not sure on that one. It does make me feel good but on the other hand.... <P>I don't know. I wonder if there is hope for him, if he can change these behaviors or is he just stringing me along. I really did think we had something special, I have never felt this way about anyone. I don't know if its just a game. I don know that I want CONTROL of this game on my terms. Actions speak louder than words. <P>Is it wrong to be "playing" also?? I am NOT going to sit in this house any longer and feel sorry for him/myself. I will go out. I am not looking for a relationship with anyone, thats the last thing I want. But some of these guys are after one thing, why can't I use them like they would use me??? (For jealousy purposes only)<P>Does this make sense? Don't flame too bad on this cuz it is keeping me up. Should I find another way, probably but... ITS SO EASY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Tracy

{{{{{{{{{Troublec}}}}}}}}}}<P>No advice. I wish I knew the answers to your questions and mine too for that matter. <P>It hurts to think your H loves you more without your extra weight, when the beautiful person you are has always been there on the inside and the outside.<P>All I can say is I understand. Take care of you.