I need advice on here. Short rundown for anyone who may have forgotten me. H in affair for almost two years. I have known for 18 months. H refuses to give up OW. He has left her around 3-4 times but always goes back. My children are now suffering and I feel it is time for an ultimatum. I told him he has till the weekend to tell me if he wants to come home or get divorced. He still doesn't know what he wants and is struggling so hard with this ultimatum. I do still love him so much but I am scared if he decides to come home that he will leave again and hurt us all once more. We are all in counselling. Did I do the right thing in giving him an ultimatum? I have done the Plan A and Plan B (which is difficult with children) and I haven't gotten anywhere. I feel like it is time for some sort of resolution as 18 months is a long time to go through hell each day. The problem is that I don't really think he actually sees what he has done to me or the kids. He knows he has hurt me but I don't think he realises to what extent. If he decides to leave to be with OW then I will deal with it and if he decides to come home I will do everything in my power to work at our marriage and make it better than ever but I need that commitment from him too. How do I believe that he will not do this to us again? I would appreciate anyone's input. By the way, he is in his own apartment and has been for 7 months now and is still no clearer on what he wants.<p>[This message has been edited by loveu (edited March 30, 2000).]

I would think that 18 months is enough time to think about what he wants. You mentioned that you both go to counseling. Has it helped any? If you have been in counseling all this time and have made no leeway, then perhaps you need to choose a different counselor - one that uses the MB techniques.<P>It sounds as if you have been more than patient. I think an ultimatum is probably a good thing to do right now, but H has to realize that once he commits, there is no turning back. You have to be strong in your follow through if he does go back to the OW. He probably feels like he can take advantage of you because of your commitment to the marriage.<P>I would think a counselor would be able to help him stick to his commitment, but that's just my opinion. <P>I'm not an expert, but it sounds like you are doing everything possible to put your marriage back in order. I've been reading Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs" and it is very good! If your H wants to remain with you, but is having a hard time giving up the OW, he should read this book! You might check your local library to see if they have it before buying it, but you can get a good deal from Amazon.com. Now I sound like a salesman! Sorry!<BR>

Hi, thanks for replying. My H has read His Needs/Her Needs, he has read just about everything out there. You said what I had already been thinking, that I don't think his Counsellor is helping very much. He has been in counselling for 7 months and is no further forward. I, on the other hand, am ready to accept whatever happens. If he decides to divorce (it is not what I want), but I will accept it and will not beg him to come home. If he comes home, then I will work with him on our marriage. I just know that everyone involved really needs a decision on this. My daughter said to me last nigh (she's 10), "why doesn't Dad just make a decision to either stay here all the time or to leave all the time". I think she is ready for some kind of stability in her little life too. I am stronger than I was and I know that life will not be a bed of roses either way, but I can and will make it with or without him. I love him but I can't live like this any longer but he does know that if he goes then the door here will be closed and I will move on. Thanks again.

The book Torn Asunder mentions that affairs are like embedded fishhooks. They are in DEEP. Sometimes it takes many attempts to actually remove them before you can tend to the deep wound it has caused.<P>Not only that, but it sometimes takes a GREAT deal of strength to attempt this as well.

Thanks Rachelb, are you saying then that I shouldn't close the door to him if he decides to go?

I have roughly the same time frame as you. Affair began 2 years ago, sporadic for 18 months with periods of hideous intensity, lots of separations, no lasting commitment that he wanted to make it work. I drew the line in the sand...he wants to come home. But I also discovered, the bad stuff from the last 2 years pretty much has done away with any good memories of him being in the home. And now our roles are reversed, I won't let him come home and I still don't trust that if he were to come home that his commitment would last.<P>I truly believe the pain can go on too long, but only you know how close to the end you are. 2 years is Harley's time frame and I think that is a good measuring stick.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Thanks Lor, I have followed your story since, basically, it was always very similar to mine (time frame etc). Are you still thinking about having him come home or are you completely past that and headed for divorce?