I just talked to my sister and now she went and made me feel bad about everything. <P>She said our mom called her the other day and asked what is up with me. I haven't been keeping in touch with my mom too much through this whole thing. She doesn't give me too much support if you must know the truth. So, I avoid her and the subject when I am around her.<P>I guess my mom came right out and asked my sister if my husband and I are getting back together. I didn't want my mom and dad to know until my h was actually moved back in. The reason being that they are going to wonder why he isn't here now if he says he is coming back. So, now she is wondering exactly that... why isn't he here now if he says he is coming back. That is exactly why I didn't want to say anything to them. I am sure they think I am a fool. I feel like that sometimes myself. <P>My sister keeps reminding me that my h and the ow are still having their nights together. I know that full well. She doesn't need to remind me! I am angry because I feel like she is now trying to put doubts into my head about everything! I know it is because they care but it doesn't help me a bit. <P>I am stressed out enough about this week as it is. Now I am even more stressed. I wish I had never even called my sister today.<P>Then my other sister stopped by on her way back home. She was here visiting a friend. She stopped to bring me a bunch of clothes for my new job. She hardly even talked to me. She stayed here about an hour and it was uncomfortable the whole time. Of course I had just gotten off the phone with my other sister. So, I wasn't feeling too great anyway. <P>Now I know I will probably be getting a call from my mother and a lecture that I just don't really need to hear right now. I feel crappy enough after talking to my sisters.<P>Of course, the one sister didn't even mention anything about the whole situation. I still have pictures of my husband up on the walls. I noticed that she spotted them. I think it made her feel uncomfortable. <P>I guess if they aren't going to be supportive, I will just have to stay away from all of them until they feel like they can be. This hurts so much as it is. <P>Now my sister wants to tell me what to do all of a sudden, as if I don't have a brain in my head. I am already racking my brain trying to figure out how we are going to handle things. I am trying to figure out how we are going to start healing again. I didn't think we could just get back together and have it all be wonderful again. I am not stupid by any means! I think they all think that. You see, I am the youngest of four. The baby of the family. So, they all want to tell me what to do and protect me.<P>That is why I have been staying away from them all. That is why I have been perfectly happy to be three hours away from them all. I can live my life the way I want to live it. I have been doing just fine if you ask me! <P>So, are there any of you whose spouses said they were going to move back home but it just took them awhile before they got back and did they actually come back after they said they would? Oh, I wish my parents hadn't found out that my h said he is planning on moving back. Now he better darned well move back.<P>I guess I need more words of encouragement. HIs reason I believe for not moving back until Friday is because for one thing, he doesn't actually have the new job yet. He wants to have the new job before he quits his other one of course. He will be working the new job from 7:30am until 10:30pm on MOnday and Tuesday. He is doing a ride along to see how he likes it. I better start praying now that he likes it. Then he still has to work at his other job on Wednesday and Thursday. Then, he has Friday off and the ow will be working that day. So, he can move out while she is at work. He said he wants to leave her and the job they work together at the same time. <P>I also realize that he is having a hard time with leaving. He wants to be here but I guess it is hard to leave. I am trying so hard to be patient and understanding about it all. He just doesn't know what to say to the ow. <P>I know we have a lot of work ahead of us. I know it will not be easy but in my mind, if we can work through this, we can have a much better marriage than ever before. <P>My mother is also concerned because she thinks my husband is going to take us down financially. I guess we will just have to show her. I guess we will have to work hard at paying off our bills and getting out of debt and start saving up money.<P>This is so hard! I think we can make it though! I do wish with all my heart that he would come back now. I really do. I wanted him here yesterday. Oh, this really sucks. I pray to God that he doesn't back out on me now! <P>I wish that I had never talked to my family about this. My sister said she talked to one of her friends. He said that I should be sure that I really love myself. Well, I feel like I love myself. After she told me that, I of course started to wonder. <P>Well, my kids want to go shopping. So, I guess we better go. Just hope some of you whose spouses actually did move back home, how long it took for them to get back to you and what was their reasons for taking time to do it... <P>Woozy

woozy,<P>I know the feeling about pressure from my family.<P>I know if my W all of a sudden came back...<BR>...they'd just about flip out.<P>As far as what your H could tell the OW...<BR>...how about the <BR>"How to tell a lover that the relationship is over letter(on page 58-59 of SAA)"...<BR>Write it with him...<BR>Review it with him...<BR>Have one of hi co-workers give her the letter near the end if the business day on Friday!<P> <P>I'm praying for you.<P>Jim

Woozy,<P>First let me say that I don't talk to a lot of people in my family either. At one point, my dad actually said, what does H get from OW that you didn't give him, and also said that he must have not been satisfied. I was PISSED. Excuse my language but come on now, that is downright insensitive. MOre and more these days, my own dad reminds me of my H. UGGHH. <P>If you must know, my H had a prostate problem and was not functioning right for over a year. He had extreme pain so we didn't have a lot of intimate moments. Did I run out and cheat? No I stood by my husband and supported him. When he started to recover, we just never quite took the time to get back into our old routines. Always busy with day to day life. BUT, also, the last few months, I believe were empty because he was getting something from OW at work during the day.<P>My opinion is stay away from negative people, they'll bring you down.<P>My family, like Jim's would NOT support me if I were in your shoes. I'd lose a lot of them in this. You can look at it two ways. Yes, if they loved me they'd support my every move BUT they also saw me at my worst, and feel if he did that, he is capable of that again or worse. WHich in reality is true. He is not a "deep" person like some of these men on the forum. Some men go on to learn from this experience and become so much better. My H, would be the one to put on the show for a 3 month period and then slide back to his old self. I just know it.<P>H almost came back, remember in January. HE made the decision and was going to do it all in the same day. OW talked him out of it, and he never came. IT was devastating, so the less who know anything right now, the better, no need to re-explain. Also, you need to have your plans in action for this, make sure he is not just coming back because he thinks its "right" but because he LOVES you.<P>Stay calm, it bothers me he is still with her at the moment. Be sure he is not going to live with you and still see her, or you will be in for another world of pain and the kids will see you suffer.<P>My prayers are with you and glad to at least see where you are today, compared to when I first came. Hugs, Dana<BR>

Jim and Dana,<P>Thanks for the advice. I was planning on getting the book out and looking at it to see about writing the letter. Right now, my husband hasn't said a word to the woman about leaving. Which in a way, I think is for the best. I think it is for the best that he just leaves while she is at work. That way, she can't make a scene or try and get him to stay. I am so scared about all of this! Very scared!<P>My husband stopped by again today. He left work early. I told him I couldn't wait for Friday. He asked me if I really meant that. I said I do and he said he hopes so. The thing is, I know my husband always loved me. I know he never stopped loving me. He was never able to say he didn't love me. <P>When we went over to visit one of the couples that used to work with him, his wife told me she knew he would come back to me. She said that from all the times he talked to her about the situation, she could tell he loved me. <P>I am scared because I am going out on a major limb here! This is the total unknown! I don't know what to expect. <P>As for him still seeing the other woman, well, I don't know about that. It could very well be a possibility. I do know that with this job he is starting, he will be riding with another person for 6 weeks to train him in. So, he will always have someone with him to keep him accountable for his actions. At first that is. Then he will have weekends off and I do too. So, we will be together then. <P>My husband and I have been talking about him coming back for almost two weeks now. I believe that he really wants to be here. He hasn't said that he doesn't want to be. He has never said he doesn't want to be here. So, I mean we have put some thought into this. I have asked him if he really wants to move back home and he has said yes. He has asked me if I am sure I want him to move back home and I said yes. <P>We have been making plans for our future again. The thing is, when he is here and we are together, he is like his old self. We get along great and have fun together. We have been doing things for each other. <P>I guess I feel like we have put a lot of thought into it. He still says he loves me and I know I love him. He never understood why he had the affair in the first place. <P>I am hoping that he will be willing to go get counseling with the pastor here in town. My husband has talked with him before and had wanted to join that church at one point. So, I want to try and counsel with him and find the reasons he had the affair and find how to take better care of each other and make sure we start building a better, stronger marriage. <P>My husband has never done anything like this before. I know he has always been faithful to me. We had a good 11 year marriage until the affair. He was at a very low point in his life when it started. He was home on time every single night. He never went out drinking with the guys. If he did, I was along with him and we always stayed focused on each other. If we had had a rotten, horrible marriage, I don't think I would even consider taking him back. Since we had a good marriage, I think I would be crazy not to give it another try. <P>Of course, I don't want to get hurt again. That is what I am so afraid of. I am also afraid of what kind of trouble the other woman may cause. AT least my husband will be living here and if she calls, I can answer the phone or do whatever it takes to get rid of her. I am considering having our phone number changed and unlisted. I think I will do that only if she causes us any trouble. She has never called here in the past. I have caller id so I do know that for a fact.<P>I understand my families concern for me. I am concerned for myself as well. I want to focus on the positives but it is a scary time for me and I don't want to be too naive'. Of course, it is too late for that now!<P>I have to say Dana, you were one of the ones who told me not to give up on my marriage when I was going to file for divorce. I was so ready to file at that time. I was so over it. But then he started coming by to see us. He would spend most of his time with me... talking to me, being wonderful to me and doing things for me. His mother said she thinks he never wanted to live with the other woman in the first place. I sort of believe that to be true also.<P>From the first time he started visiting us after he moved in with her, he was nice and good to me. Of course he was still living with her at the time.<P>He has come to visit or called or e-mailed me everyday for the last 10 or so days now. He is keeping in close contact with me about this new job he is hoping to get. I guess I feel like he is serious about coming home. If he wasn't, I don't think he would be making such an effort to keep in touch with me. He said he can't wait to be home again on Friday when he left today.<P>Ok, so I just spent the last 20 or so minutes looking at all the positives. That should be a good thing to go to sleep on!<P>In my heart, I guess I really feel like we are doing the right thing. I guess it will just take awhile to prove it to everyone else. The thing is, everyone in my family adored my husband. They loved him from the first time they met him. They are of course very upset with him for what he had done to me and his boys. That is to be expected I guess. I think he just got lost. That woman took advantage of it and he made the horrible mistake of letting things go too darned far. There is no excuse for that... but who am I to judge him. Yes, I am his wife but the way I look at it, there is a greater power that will judge him when the time comes. <P>I have been keeping in touch with a couple here in town who have been through this same thing. They would like to sit down with my husband and me and talk about things. They want to help us through it. So, we have a lot of supportive people who are willing to help us through this. That is a blessing.<P>OK, so thanks you guys for being there! Sorry for another one of my long winded posts! Take care and I'll post more updates when there are any to post!<P>Woozy

Woozy, I don't think people can really understand all that is going on in these situations.<P>I know that I was clueless untill I ended up on this site. I thought my situation was bizaar and extreme. I was shell-shocked, devastated etc. <P>I do not have family. My H's family is mine and has been my support. But I have felt the need to defend myself at times (it is an issue for me since my youth). I have actually sent them posts from here via e-mail to enlighten them on what is actually happening.<P>luckily, they have for the most part, believed me. THey saw this as out of character for him and knew that he was happy in our marraige and as a father. All of the vague, off the wall stuff he said was met with "Huh...what are you talking about"<P>But there have been times when I've really felt the need to explain. Especailly when someone in the family would say..."he avoids conflict. and it's probably many things that have happened in the marraige". But of course he had also been denying anything with OP. It was always, "This is about you..not anyone else..." (haven't we seen that line on this board a million times)<P>Also luckily, many of my friends see this as an abberation. They of course hurt for me and the kids, but want to see us get back together. <P>I have noticed more support from my female friends. It seems his and my male friends seem to have less tolerance for his behavior. (funny isn't it???)<P>Anyway, hang in there. Try not to let them get to you. You have done the right thing for you and your family. I am proud of what you've accomplished. I hope to do the same and have the same great attitude that you do. Keep us posted.....

TooTrusting,<P>I have to agree with you on the issue of females being more supportive. It is the same with me. My sister is a high school teacher and she has been talking a lot with her fellow teachers about this. She said all the male teachers say I shouldn't take him back and the majority of the female teachers say I should. Interesting, isn't it?<P>You know, my husband never said the affair was about me. He always told me I did nothing to deserve it and he can't for the life of him figure out why he did it. He has always maintained that it was about him and his own problems. As I said before, he was never able to say he doesn't love me anymore either. <P>I really hope and pray that I am doing the right thing for us. For all of us. I love the man but this is a scary time for me. It is nice when people say they have read back over my posts and say that things look good. I guess I need to sit down sometime and do that myself. I should print off all the positive posts that I have submitted and then read them everynight when I go to bed! That would be a good way to go to sleep!<P>I hope your husband comes around soon! It is so frustrating when they are so lost. I don't know how they get so lost. It is so hard to wait for them to come out of the fog. <P>I truly do hope that my husband is sincere about all the things he has done. He sure seems to have been. I think it is hard for me... You know, when he is here, he does seem sincere. But, that all goes out the window five minutes after he leaves and goes back to her.<P>I really do hope he sticks to his word about moving home on Friday. We will have the weekend off and I am thinking it might be a good idea to start attending church on Sunday. Just a thought. <P>Well, I need to get to bed! I start that new job tomorrow and have to be up by 5:30am. Oh, give me the strength to get through this week dear God!<P>Too Trusting, thanks for the support! I am saying prayers for your husband too. Take care of yourself!<P>Woozy