H had a counseling session with Steve. H did not agree to further counseling.The plan is to continue with plan A.Steve said H's attitude may get worse ,I am glad he prepared me for that. Today H was negative, angry, I had to hold back the tears. Iam trying to make him at least feel comfortable while we are together,but it is tough when he is so crabby. <BR>I have more free time now,and this cuts way back on his time he can spend with his online OW.<BR>I offered to change my hours this weekend @ work so we could attend one of his favorite recreational activites.<BR>I am crushed that he refused, I think he wants me to go to work because he can talk to OW then. That hurts.When I am at work I am in a great deal of pain.This weekend he wants to go to a friends house to help him with his deck while I am at work. He has gone out on a<BR>date before while I was working.How shall I handle this? How can I survive the pain?I am naive to believe he is really going to friends house,OW lives out of state.beth

Bethn--<P>I know how you feel. I am in a similar situation. Everyone keeps telling me to take care of myself and do things that I enjoy. Of course my W loves when I work late or go do something I enjoy doing (fishing, softball, etc.) because that is her time to call the OM. <P>She is very encouraging for me to do things by myself. She'll say stuff like "you need some time to yourself" or "going to play basketball with the guys would be good for you" but I know what her intentions are! In my case, I am not dreaming these things, they have been verified.<P>It is so hard for me to go to work when she has the day off. I cannot concentrate all day. Same goes for being gone trying to do something I enjoy. She has taken that all away from me! Now my "things" that I enjoy have become reasons for pain.<P>I know people are going to tell you to only worry about the things you can control. But I realize how hard that is. I think not having control over the present situation is what is harder than anything about this.<P>Sorry I can't be of more help. If you get any good suggestions, let me know. In the meantime, TRY to take care of yourself and I will do the same.<P>Doug<BR><P>------------------<BR>Don't give up...don't ever give up!" --Jimmy Valvano

Doug,<BR>It really helps just knowing someone else is going thru the same thing,Sometimes I feel like the whole situation is so unreal. I hate having to compete with OW, my H has broken my heart, because part of being married is being able to trust that person. Now my trust is broken.My prayers to you doug.beth

Beth,<P>I'm in a similar situation. OW lives out of state, but they can get together. My H has seen more of her lately than me. It's hard. I also have the pain of knowing when I am not around H is communicating with OW. Will the pain never end? I also do not enjoy my activities as much because of knowing what is going on when I'm not there.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Nine months ago my h told me he had a year long affair with my best friend and that he was in love with her. My life as I knew it really stopped. The pain you all are feeling is very real and very consuming. Finally, this week, he has started to tell me freely that he loves me. Ow now lives out of state and he did continue to call her for a long time unkown to me. <P>We got from total disaster to a marriage that is once again growing and heading down the right track by a lot of hard work. And unfortunately, the wayward spouse will usually not do any of the work. None of this is easy in the least. If your spouse wants to continue contact at this point, there is nothing you can do to stop it. You cannot be with them 24/7. <P> Now I will tell you what worked for me. I read books and more books. Dr. Harley's are great read "How one of You Can Keep the Two of you Together" by Susan Page and it is great. It gives you things you can do without your spouse having to actively participate. I also read "Winning Your Husband Back Before It's Too Late" by Gary Smalley -- Most important thing in that book is "Stop being so needy." Much easier said than done but you can do it. The summary of all three books is to Plan A until you think you can do it no more and then continue doing it. I know that if I had not continued Plan A through all of this, my h would not have fallen back in love with me. I gave him every reason to love me and with the ow out of state, if was very difficult for her to coninue to deposit any more love units. Now he thinks he was stupid to have done what he did when at the beginning, he had very rational reasons for it. She was his soul mate. None of this has been easy. For me, the way I survived was to totally rely upon the Lord. He carried me through this whole ordeal and when I could not go on any more, he gave me the strength to do more. When I would start to obsess about the ow, I would pray for her. Trust me, the last thing i wanted to do is spend my day prayer for her so I began to think of her less and less. Hang tight. Just get through minute by minute. Don't look at how far you have to go, just work on what you are doing. You can make it. Your h will be less crabby when he gets through withdrawal. If he goes through that too fast, chances are that he has reestablished contact so look at the crabby as a blessing that he is not spending time with her Good luck. Find a good friend to vent to that will not trash your h, you don't need to hear any more negative about him but you do need to vent!<p>[This message has been edited by Derby (edited April 03, 2000).]