What a situation ! In my quest to attempt a reconciliation with "the bride", and the emphasis is on the word "attempt" because I think she is going to tell me to flake off, is there anyone with a good suggestion out there ?<BR>1) Presently living with the OW for over a year now after having to leave the marital residence.<BR>2) In my attempt to salvage my marriage and my family, this cannot continue as we all know and I am committed to make this move as my alcohol free mind has made me come to my senses. <BR>3)The OW has no idea that this is my mindset. Everything is just going fine in her eyes. She even wants to get married and have kids ! She is a great person, but my family NOW comes first, as it should have all along. <BR>4)Do I just leave ? Leave a letter ? Talk to her, then leave? Any ideas ? I'm not good at this but it has to be done.<BR>Thank you.<BR>

Can I ask what made you come to your senses? I wish my H would come to this conclusion. He has problems with alcohol and can't give up the OW. <P>I am glad that you are coming to your senses and want to make your marriage work. As far as how to end it I am not sure I could or should give any advice. Probably leave a letter and go home to your wife and try to work on your marriage.

HI BC,<BR>Alcohol. What a word. I used to think that it was for cuts and bruises ! To put you on the mend. Yeah right. I never was "bad" so to speak. I think that after my brother was sick with leukemia and is now %100 cured because I was his bone marrow donor, put me on this path of destruction. This is the first year in the last nine years in a row that I did not run the NYC Marathon. Why ?<BR>Booze. Plain and simple. Every day. Haven't had as much as 1 beer in well over two weeks now and back running like I should and going to make the "stab" of my life and try to win back my family. BTW, you can suggest an idea you know !

Do it, do it, do it!<P>Don't try to be gentle or keep it going for a few weeks as in an easy let down. It won't be easy for either of you.<P>Get yourself ready to leave & psyched up. Then just do it. Again, you must emphasize you KNOW you messed up badly and it is something that never should have happened. Do not say how much you loved her or will miss her or continue to love her in your heart etc. No more than 5 minutes.<P>After you leave DO NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN! Do not reply to anything she may write you or calls you may receive. Do not even read anything you may receive from her.<P>Also if you intend to get back with your wife you had better get on the ball. Leave the ow before you tell your wife you are going to do it. Let your wife be your guide. If she asks you something, TELL HER THE TRUTH! Do not try to "spare" her feelings.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Wow, no sympathy for the devil here huh? Why are you telling him to walk out on the OW and go back to his wife? Is it a good thing to damage two people at the same time?<P>There is a way to handle this with some tact and diplomacy - the OW isn't guiltless here, but there's no reason to cause her damage (and risk revenge) just because you don't like what she did.<P>First, you don't even know if your wife is even interested in a reconciliation. So it is important to find out. I would suggest making a reservation for dinner at her favorite place and inviting her out. Pick a nice wine and bring her flowers - a gift would not be out of order either. Then tell her what a fool you've been. That she and your life together is what you really want, and based on her feedback, proceed.<P>If she is receptive, she may want a trial period with you living alone - by yourself. This would mean relocating yourself and your belongings into a studio apartment or some place - but in a show of good faith, that may be what you have to do - offer to do it.<P>As to the OW, you need to be gentle. You need to let her know that you were foolish and she was and is charming, but that the more you have thought about it, the more you need to go back to what is important to you. That you care for her, and care about her, but that your love belongs to your wife. You are sorry for the pain you know she will feel, it was never your intent. If you had been capable of forming intent, it would not to have been to hurt anyone, and now you've hurt two people - and you need to not do that again.<P>Wish her well, tell her that her love and support has been felt and appreciated, but you can't reciprocate. And you're leaving.<P>Be the other person - act accordingly.

He owes the ow absolutely nothing.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Why are you telling him to walk out on the OW and go back to his wife?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Because as Johny said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>In my attempt to salvage my marriage and my family, this cannot continue as we all know and I am committed to make this move as my alcohol free mind has made me come to my senses.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>First, you don't even know if your wife is even interested in a reconciliation.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Totally irrelevant. It will almost never work out with the ow. He is seeing the error of his ways right now. What will he be feeling in 2 years if he continues?<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You need to let her know that you were foolish and she was and is charming, but that the more you have thought about it, the more you need to go back to what is important to you. That you care for her, and care about her, but that your love belongs to your wife. You are sorry for the pain you know she will feel, it was never your intent. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Blah, blah, blah! What a crock! Why doesn't he just stay with her if he is going to be so concerned for her? He needs to NOT let her know "how great it was, how charming she is, etc." That will only help to confuse the issue for both of them.<P><BR>I'm not saying he should slam the ow. She was just as guilty as he was in this matter, but he does not need to relive the last year with her and how wonderful it was. Tell her it's over, it was wrong and it never should have happened. Ask his wife how wonderful it was.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited April 06, 2000).]

I'm sorry, this is just my opinion, but why do we have to have sympathy for the OW? Did she not know that you were married with children? Is the marital bond not important to her? What makes her think she can marry you, have kids, and not have the same thing happen to her - another "great person" with no respect for the marriage contract to come between the two of you?<P>Yes, it takes two to tango, and she probably wasn't completely at fault, but she does know that you are married, doesn't she?<P>Yes, I agree that you should treat her with respect and wish her well, but your wife's feelings should come first!<P>Yes, I believe taking your wife out to dinner, wine and dine her and all that would be a good way to start out, but if she doesn't accept your overtures, is the OW going to be your backup "wife"?<P>It's either all or nothing in my opinion. If you are having these feelings, the OW isn't going to get rid of them. <P>By the way, I'm very proud that you have given up the sauce. That is a very hard thing to do. I pray everyday that my H will do the same.<P>Sorry I went off the deep end - guess I have no sympathy for OW's.<BR>

His attempt at reconciliation is guaranteed to fail as long as he still living with the OW! His wife will not take him seriously. First priority leave the OW. No matter how you do it it's going to be ugly since she thinks everything is great between you. Don't try to let her down easy though it will only make things worse. Once you are on your own then have the talk with your wife.<P>Good luck

Chris,<P>Nobody said he should continue to stay with the other woman. I certainly didn't bash your post with terms such as "totally irrelvant" and "blah blah blah what a crock!" what makes you think you need to blast me? Am I not as entitled to my comments and feedback as you are to yours, or is your need to cram your righteous indignation down my throat stronger than respect here?<P>If he isn't worried about revenge, he should leave her tomorrow with the note like you said. But Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and tact and diplomacy can save him - and his wife - a potential nightmare by employing some. I never said he owed her anything, but if she's thinking marriage and children, and he ups and just leaves, just like that, what's to stop her from changing her life's goals to revenge and destroying him - and his wife?<P>So, let me sit here and placate you by saying "Yes Chris, of course, you're right, you're always right and lets hope and pray that the OW doesn't get upset about the last year of the life she's wasted with this man who is going back to his wife. That she doesn't feel terribly stupid and used, and that revenge is the farthest thing from her mind. Let's not think of her as a human with feelings, but as the evil, terrible thing that she is for the pain and torment she caused his wife. He, of course, is blameless. He just had a midlife crisis or something - hormones perhaps."<P>It's not necessary to tear somebody apart for stating their own opinion, Chris. Different viewpoints make things interesting. <P>I continue to believe that handling the OW with kid gloves can only benefit him in his quest to return to his wife. And that's pretty much what I maintained from the beginning.<P>Now, go do that voodoo that you do, so well. My shields are up.<p>[This message has been edited by SpandauBallet (edited April 06, 2000).]

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 08:48 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Let me apologize if I was a bit terse. What I read at the time was you describing how he should be very kind & loving with her.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I certainly didn't bash your post with terms such as "totally irrelvant"[Quote]This wasn’t bashing you. I was pointing out that if he wants to have any forgiveness in himself, he needs to get rid of the ow.<P>He definitely needs to be “not rough” with the ow in ending it. However that doesn’t mean he needs to tell her how great it was.<BR>[Quote]You need to let her know that you were foolish and she was and is charming.<P>That you care for her, and care about her.<P>You are sorry for the pain you know she will feel,<P>Wish her well, tell her that her love and support has been felt and appreciate.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>He doesn’t need to say any of this. He simply needs to tell her what they did was totally wrong and he WANTS to go back to his wife.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

The OW knew exactly what she was getting into when she got involved with a married man.<P>I suggest that you write her a letter and then leave.<P>I DON'T have any sympathy for OP who contribute to screwing up people's lives. I'm sure that OW will get hurt, but so what....then she can experience what his wife has had to go through for the past year.

hello everyone....I sort of randomly chose this thread. to the fellow living with the OW considering going back to the wife I would just like to throw my 2 cents in the hat. Take it easy on the OW. I don't know what conflict must have arisen between you - and its best of course to live up to the vows you made to your wife and before Almighty God. That goes without saying - but the OW is a valuable person. Perhaps she made some bad choices, perhaps she shouldn't have gotten involved with a married man, but above all else - she is just as valuable in God's eyes as you, your wife, or your children. God loves us all equally - He doesn't love the OW less than He loves your wife or yourself simply because you are the ones who entered into the marriage bond. You've all made some bad choices - as have I...thats why I'm here :-( I am another woman...even though the extra-marital relationship I'm in isnt physical. There are no winners in your present situation-or mine...and if you do reconcile with the wife..the same issues that existed will still be there PLUS a multitude of new issues. Good luck to you.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NoTrust:<BR><B>The OW knew exactly what she was getting into when she got involved with a married man.<P>I DON'T have any sympathy for OP who contribute to screwing up people's lives. I'm sure that OW will get hurt, but so what....then she can experience what his wife has had to go through for the past year. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Though I understand the hurt and pain from many of you, who have been betrayed, I feel mighty uncomfortable with the attitude against OPs. Sure they have part of the blame and guilt,<BR>and sure they should have stayed away from married people. But a lot of people here are OPs to someone else's marriage, and they are treated respectfully, even though none condones<BR>their actions, then why the need to blast the OPs?<BR>

Hey John...I think the book by Dr. Harley "Surviving An Affair" has a tactful way of breaking it off with the OW. I know it will be hard and she will be hurt, but dragging it out only prolongs the agony. I am happy for you that you have come out of the "fog". My H has been in his fog for almost a year now with no end in sight. In fact, I plan to file for divorce within the next several weeks. Are you and your W divorced? If not, there's a very good chance at reconciliation. If your W has yet to file, maybe that's because she's not ready to give up yet. Of course, this is only conjecture. While I have no love for "Other Women", the break up should be done with tact and diplomacy...but all at once. No tapering off. Best of luck to you. A lot of people here are envious, myself included. <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Sadman,<P>I knew I would get a flame for my OWN opinion. This is how I feel. Can you even fathom what this poor wife has had to live through for 1 entire year??....knowing that her H is living with this OW? Can you imagine the hurt the children have felt and how their lives were torn apart?<P>Do you think that this OW in John's life feels guilty about this? I think NOT. She's living with a MM and then she's talking about getting married and having kids with him.<P>It sure doesn't sound like she is having any guilt for what she is doing if she is thinking that far ahead in the future.<P>I DON'T have sympathy for a person like that. No way! I DO feel sympathy for a OP who feels remorseful and wants the married person to do the right thing. That's who I feel sympathy for.<P>In my situation, I WILL NEVER EVER have sympathy for the OW who didn't give a crap when she contributed to the affair. She proved that she wasn't remorseful for it. So, I really don't care how this OW in my particular situation feels. I really don't!

Just my 2 cents worth:<P>Although I am the betrayed and think the OM/OW are scum. However, I do think a little tact is needed. In my wife's case with her OP, he threatened to kill himself, because she dumped him. Sounds funny since she is married to me.<P>What if he would have? How would that have affected my wife and our marriage in the future. I never really understood the true meaning of PAIN, until I discovered my wife's affair. People do things that aren't rational when they feel hurt like that.<P>My wife gave the OP so much information, he knew where we lived and all about my kids. Would you want the OP to start stalking your family, or worse yet, hurting them? I think not.<P>Just try and be careful. You just never know..

Seems to me we can tell who the OP are here in this forum and who the Betrayed are.

I think if the OP is going to go off on the deep end....that OP will go off on the deep end. I don't know if it makes a difference on how you break it off with them. If they are that unstable and psycho, then they will stalk you anyway.<P>The OW in our lives tried to invade our lives for 9 months after he broke it off with her. My H broke it off with her bluntly and simply. But, he must have felt guilt about it 'cause he tried to be nice afterwards.<P>Yet...did she get the message that he doesn't want her anymore and to stay out of our lives forever?? NO! Inbetween those 9 months, she STILL kept trying to invade our lives by using her friends to encourage my H to go back to her. Then, after 9 months of this, she contacted him directly.<P>He finally wrote her a formal "No Contact" letter and told her to never contact him again.....that he regrets ever being with her....that he loves his wife & children and will never ever jeapordize us again."<P>That's what it finally came down to. I say to just do it from the very beginning. Then, it doesn't have to be possibly long-drawn out.<P>When breaking it off with the OP, I say just DO IT!<P>When you do it sweetly and nicely, all you do is give them false hope. I don't even understand why so much emphasis is being put on how to break it off with this OW???<P>Why not focus on how to get back with his wife??<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited April 07, 2000).]

John,<P>I am not really sure how to respond to you one thing I am sure is certain, if you want any chance with your W you should end it without delay. I researced your previous posts and still couldn't piece everything together.<BR>Is your W interested in a reconciliation? Do you have a place you could go to without delay(show up with little or no announcement)? You mentioned in one of your previous posts going to your mom's. Is this vialbe? <BR>My suggestion to you would be to end things as soon as possible. If you do not plan to spend your life with this OW stringing her along is only adding to her pain. Write a letter to her saying that you have made a grave mistake, your love and life belongs to your wife and children. Don't be rude but don't spout off eternal love either. Be frank and honest about where your future lies and that you are going to do everything to ensure that future and will not allow anything to jeopardize it.(anymore than it already is) Tell her not to contact you ever again. Let her know you will not return any phone calls or emails. <BR>All of this may seem harsh, but as many people who have gone through the withdrawl for an OP can attest to it is the best way for you and your spouse.<BR>I am not really one who would condone treating an OW with malice and hatred but you should leave her with the definite idea that there is no hope for a future with you. Even implying that if things don't work out with your wife then maybe there could be a chance is a bad idea. She may try and jeopardize your efforts just so she could end up with you. <BR>As I said before, end things as quickly as possible. Let your wife know of your intentions and then move forward. I wish you much luck and applaude you in your desire to try and reconcile with your wife.<BR>God Bless<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole