The first time my H left OW he moved out and left a note while she was at work. This would have been fine but the note he wrote was the wrong kind of note. I found this out 3 months later when he went back to OW. She started contacting him right away without my knowledge.In his note he wrote how he still has feelings for OW and how he doesn't want to hurt her. This was the wrong kind of note to leave. I wish I had some imput into this letter because it sure would have saved a lot of trouble. My H wants to come back again and I don't think there is any other way but to leave a simple note stating that you want to go back to spouse and that OP shall not contact you. Do not talk about special feelings you have for her because this will only signal to her that she still has a chance to nab you again.<BR> You just have to do it right the first time around to make the pain less in the long run for all parties.<P>Hope this helps

Dear John and other posters,<P>Everyone sure likes to trash the OW here but I think you are all missing the point. John has been living with the OW for over a year......hmmmm, I wonder who pays the rent, or does the cooking and cleaning. (Whose place is it?) Anyway, don't you think that John told this woman that he loved her, that he wanted to be with her? Why else does someone allow another person to move in with them?<P>Don't you think there is a reason why this OW wants John to marry her and have his children? Could he have led her to believe that this was a real possibility? Maybe he told her that he no longer loved his wife and that his wife did not understand him. I would be careful before you crucify this OW. For all we know, John relentlessly pursued her and begged her to be with him.<P>Now, there is another problem. Why isn't John already living somewhere else, on his own? Why is he still with the OW? I think because he doesn't want to lose one woman before he knows can move back in with another. I think John would be a whole lot more credible if he would show a little backbone and show his wife some commitment that he wants to be back with her by moving out on his own. Someone recommends that he take his wife on a date?? Oh, and what does he tell the OW," honey, I am going out on a date with my wife, be back later?"<P>John is about to start bouncing back and forth between two women like a rubber ball. And we have not even talked about two other significant issues :alcohol and withdrawal. <P>What about John's alcohol problem. Will his wife even want him back? I think John better get clean and sober before he involves himself in ruining either of these two women's lives any further.<P>And, for those of you who understand addiction, or have been a betrayer, you know the power or addiction and the pain of withdrawal. What happens when John experiences withdrawal from the OW, which he WILL, just like he is experienceing withdrawal from his wife and family. <P>Then does he say "Whoops, I really DID love the OW, gosh......I made a mistake going back."<P>And, how to let the OW know?? Write her a letter???? PLEASE,folks this is incredible. Sure, Dr. Harley recommended that in his book but that was NOT this situation. That was the flirtation at the work-place that had gone to far..........that was the wayward SPOUSE!! That was NOT the betrayer who is LIVING for OVER a year with another person. Certainly he owes this woman more than that. Think of it folks.....just imagine that you live with someone , anyone, a roommate of your same sex...........and one day you are gone and YOU LEAVE A LETTER??? And this woman has NO IDEA, so says John!! So, obviously she and John are getting along just fine..........he is just having some sort of temporary guilt feelings or something. Maybe his wife is talking divorce, maybe he thinks he is losing his children. He has to ask us is he should talk to the OW????? I mean , don't they sleep together every night in the same bed? I am sure he is still having sex with her. <P>Anyway, I know you all want to crucify the OW, blaming them for chasing the betrayer etc. but how about a little bit of backbone here. Someone wrote that her husband wrote the "wrong note" to an OW and then it is HER fault that he goes back to her??? What was in that note?, maybe that he loves her and wants to be with her...........?<P>John, I think you need to take a good, long hard look at your self. You are being really selfish and are about to inflict more hurt and pain on a lot of people. I think you better get your life under control before you head back and break the hearts of your wife and children and also the heart of a woman you have been living with for over one year.

To all who responded, I say thank you and advice well taken. So far so good. I think that per our last conversation (me and the wife) maybe, just maybe there is hope on the horizon. <P>Bonnie:<BR> Do you know me ? <g> I had to repsond to you personally as you hit several nails directly on the head ! Friday was the longest talk I had with my wife in the past year and a half. Partly because of her hurt and the other for my pig-headedness. My original post was intended to form some kind of direction in my approach to a departure from the OW. This was a first in our marriage and believe me, certainly will be a LAST ! Will the wife reconcille ? After our talk, I think there are good possibilities and I think it will take time. Yes backbone is warranted here, and I intend to show it. I just needed that "push" from all the good people here at MB. It is really strange to read so many posts about yourself and your personal life from total strangers on the 'net, but it has a positive impact. Again I thank you all! I will post again ( if anyone cares )and inform you about my results.

Johninny:<P>Good luck to you! You sound pretty hopeful in your last post. I'm glad. <P>I, for one, would like to hear how things are going for you. I hope it all works out.<P>All the best, --HBC

John,<P>No I don't know you but I do wish you the best of luck.....my wish and prayer for you is that you move forward now with the lives and welfare of OTHERS foremost in your mind. And by OTHERS I mean, the OW too. If you feel in your heart and with your head that you can be a good husband and father then that is most certainly what you need to do............it is the RIGHT thing and you know it. But if you can't return to your wife and be faithful and start running back and forth between the two women, you will only inflict even more pain than you already have.<P>Others on this board may disagree but I think you owe the OW an explanation and an apology. Then you owe her the decency of LEAVING HER ALONE and getting out of her life. She will not be able to move forward if you contact her or have anything more to do with her after you say goodbye. I think it is only human decency to have a compassionate good-bye. I say that because I assume that you gave her hope that you would marry her and raise a family with her. It would be the utmost cruelty to try to string her along now and I think you have hurt her enough. She will recover if you leave her alone. Also, your marriage might survive if you quit drinking and stop going after other women. I dont know your wife but I doubt very much that she would give you another chance if you were unfaithful again. I sincerely hope you can accomplish what you seem to be about to do with UNSELFISH motives.......And I hope you can become a man that your wife and children can look up to and depend on.

My final thoughts on this. Chris, when you tell someone that what they think, feel or say is "totally irrelevant" - it could be construed as a bash. Nuff said.<P>Keeping in mind that he's been with his OW for "over a year" (unspecified how much over the year it's been) how reasonable is it to think his wife just sat around waiting for him to come to his senses? If he thought that were the case, he wouldn't be so concerned that she'd tell him to flake off.<P>And for those who are OP's on this board, I do feel for every one of you as humans with feelings. I think that until you have never made a poor judgment call, you should not live in glass houses. Of course it hurts to have the man or woman you love leave you for another. It stings, it seethes and it festers. So now what? He wants to do it again. <P>There is a lot to be said for tact and delicacy. Granted, he does not *have* to say any of the things I wrote to her. You think he owes her nothing, two people playing with fire, they were bound to get burned, too bad, so sad move on. But the reality is that she (OW) will have nothing to lose once he's gone. Why not be kind to her. Why ask for trouble.<P>If my husband were to leave me for another woman - color me gone. I'm not going to be played for a fool while he chooses who he prefers - he made that choice when he packed his bags. But if at some point we talked reconciliation, it would not be her I hated. She didn't hold a gun to his head, she didn't come into my home and pack his bags and force his departure, and I sincerely doubt that she singlehandedly, without his knowledge or consent or anything else, hypnotized or brainwashed him into believing that she was the only one for him. I have to think that any woman who was capable of that, would certainly pursue someone who was wayyy better off than someone with his kinda baggage.<P>So, treating everybody as feeling, living, breathing humans isn't so wrong. Put your anger, hurt and pain into perspective and put it on the list of things you'll deal with when he's back home and you're in counselling.<P>

SpandauBallet, It's not what you said that is totally irrelevant, it's if his wife wants reconciliation or not that is irrelevant.<P>If JOHNinNY is not willing to do the work on himself (he seems to be willing) and his problems which he had in/with the relationship then he will NOT recover from this affair. ANY relationship he has in the future, whether it is with his wife or someone else, will suffer because he will have learned nothing from a failed marriage & a failed affair.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

John<BR>This is obviously an emotional subject for many. There are a lot of us who have suffered in many different types of endings.<P>My only suggestion to you is that whatever way you choose - make it final. No wishy washy stuff. <P>Consider your options. <BR>Leaving without a letter or any explanation is probably going to result in calls from the OW.<P>A letter gives you the opportunity to explain that you feel this is right and you need to do this.<P>A conversation scares me because it gives the OW an opportunity to try to sway you.<P>You owe your marriage this chance. I applaud you for doing it. I would suggest the letter. An explanation without invitation for response. FINAL.<P>This is coming from a woman who has had many revenge fantasies. I know how angry some of us are at the OP. I think you have to consider which option will be the most successful in FINALIZING things.<P>GOOD LUCK and way to go on the abstinence!!!!<BR>My prayers are with you!