What is the average length of an affair? Do you think it is possible for a spouse to have a complete personality change while going thru affair only to realize what he did within a few months? Or, is many months to years a more likely senario? Your thought please....

Missy9,<BR> Everything I've read say it can last 3 months to 2 years,sometimes longer.I believe the average is 6-18 months.But it really depends on the people involved,and the emotional level of the affair.<BR> Like I told you on another post,my W's whole personality changed.Not really sure if it's just because of being in an affair,an identity crisis,or a MLC.I'm not sure if this is a permanent change or not,I'll let you know. --Murph

hey Murphy-<BR>Looks like we have a lot in common. I'm not sure of your exact story. My h entire personality has changed also. Everyone who has ever been close to him says the same thing. Do you think its possible for an affair to change your entire personality for the rest of your life??? I mean I know people change but this was a drastic change. All of his morals and values and everything he ever believe in went out the window. All he cares about now is himself and the ow. It's been about 3 months now since he left the house and he still seems very happy with ow. I guess I am just sitting around waiting and hoping he will one day wake up, but chances are this might never happen. I would love to hear from another betrayer on what they felt. Have you spoken to your wife?? How long have you been seperated??? Thanks for your reply...

Hallo!<P>I am the betrayer annnnddd, I think I left the planet and some evil twin took my place. I am so serious. I became someone I am certainly not familiar with. I became a great liar, sneak, mean, nasty, impatient, rude, and bitter. These are such the opposite of the real me.<P>My affair(s)(with the same man) lasted the first time, one night stand, 2nd time, 9 month emotional affair, the 3rd time, 3 monthes. My affair was on and off for over 2 years all together. Once I gave up OM, my evil twin had to give up my body space, because the real me wouln't have ever behaved in such an ill manner.<P> <BR>Mercy

Note the 6 months to 2 years is after the affair is discovered. If it is NOT discovered it can go on forever.<P>mercy, Tell me, do you think the "evil twin" took over because of all the mixed emotions going on within you at the time and it was easier to deal with?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

H's affair was 3+ months but he even admidts that he would still be with her if I hadn't figured it out. (not that I am completely convinced that it it is really over) The reason I put it all together was the complete Cybil-like behavior by H. He went from great guy to miserable [censored] in one night. He was outwardly hostile to me even in group situations. At first I wrote it off to work, his father (diagnosed with cancer this pst fall), anything but what all the signs were pointing to. I had one too many people ask me if he was seeing someone until I had to face the truth that had been smacking me upside the head for 3+ months. I put the pieces together while he was off on a "ski trip with cousins" (really off with OW) & confronted him the minute he walked thru the front door. Even then he lied, saying how could I even think that HE would do such a thing. Finally after comming close to a nervous breakdown (me not him) he confessed. Now he thinks that I should just get over it & move on. Basically saying forget it, act as if it never happened. So even in the aftermath I think that the bretrayer is still having personality conflicts. Maybe due to guilt. I am not sure. I wish I knew.

My H's affair is still going on (I think, not sure) and it's been just over a year now.

Missy, <P>My H's was about 3 monts before discovery and has continued to another 3 making it 6 now. I agree, all situations are different, but I too have heard 6-18 months. <P>During the affair, to an extent, the betrayer supposedly is in fantasy land. In my case, I believe my H is not as dumb as he pretends to be. He thinks he can do this til he's bored and come back. But we should be divorced by April 26 if I have my say in it.<P>He left on xmas and sued me for divorce on valentines day. He now seems to be holding it up and I am pushing it thru, I can't find it in my heart to forgive him. <P>I have know a few people personally to cheat, and they too were different after the affair. Its almost like they turned completely selfish for that time during the affair. I'm not calling that to anyone here, this is what I saw in a personal friend I had. In my opinion, it appeared that she could care less about her H until the affair ended. Only then, did she decide she'd try again. I'm not so sure if the affair didn't end, it would have ever come down to the other decision.<P>So I don't know if that helps, just what I've seen in person. There is someone here , a few actually who I believe are 2+ years into the Plan A while waiting for their spouse. <P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

Missy,<BR> Check out my last response to you on your post"Possibility of it lasting"on April 9th.Maybe you missed it.I don't know if a person can change for good.I believe BoyToy's advice convinced her that she had lost her identity in our marriage.So this is a separate issue than just an affair.It'll depend on if she continues to buy into his pyscho-babble BS.<BR> <BR> I'll never understand this"losing your identity"stuff.You are who you are.Everyone loses a little of themselves in any marriage.Maybe someone else can clarify this for us.I have known a few people that have changed themselves somewhat.Nothing to do with infidelity,perhaps just unhappy with who they were.<P> Mercy,perhaps you have felt a identity change due to your affair.Do you think it was things the OM was telling you?A lifestyle change being with someone new that made you feel special?Or was a lot of it coming from the guilt?My W told some pretty big whoppers to her family to turn them against me.But I felt she would sacrifice everything,even her values,to be with her trophy-boyfriend.She doesn't seem to miss me,her dog,her in-laws,or anything else that was important to her for 22 years.Is this like running away from who you were?<BR> Missy,you can sit around and wait.But also do what you can for yourself,too.Learn what you need to know in case he doesn't come back,in order to take care of yourself.Things like financial knowledge,investing,house and car repair can all be things you can be learning about,while you wait.Make sense?Take care.<BR> --Murph <BR>

Betrayed here. My W had an EA which at the most was about 3 weeks,maybe 4. I suspect it was about 2-3 weeks from becoming an PA. The OM was laying on the pressure, my W told me that she was about to make a decision. We are BAC's and it was tearing her up. She told me she was in a total fantasy world with him. My neglect of her, was not filling her emotional love tank at all. He was. I am convinced that she had put herself inside his life as his new wife. Just things like I picked up on just the way she talked about his kids, things she knew about him..etc. it just wan't normal stuff. <BR>but that is history....<P>------------------<BR>jnvc

Hi, Missy. Robert's affair lasted just about 8 months after discovery - not sure of the time prior to, but a reasonable guess is about 4 months.<P>DURING the affair, he was definitely an alien. All the things that everyone says, complete loss of everything he had ever believed in, complete opposite of everything he had ever been.<P>But NOW, I see my old H - 90% of the time! And he gets stronger and better every single day. In fact, HE'S learned a lot through this mess too and some of the changes he's kept are very very good ones. We're both actually BETTER people than we were before.<P>Lori

Missy, <P>My wife's affair went on for 15 months before D-day and has continued to go on now for 6 months, despite counseling and Plan A. <P>Aside from being somewhat more quiet (and likely depressed)from time to time, she's almost every bit as loving towards me and the kids now as I can remember her before the affair. I can see very little outward personality change. <P>The lying and sneaking around is still there, of course, but is generally done discreetly through calls and e-mails at work and visits during lunch. When she's home, she seems to be 100% here. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by TomH (edited April 14, 2000).]

My H's affair lasted 3 1/2 years before discovery. Now that I think back he did change for the worse in the beginning. I thought it was because of the problems with his business and his natural tendencies toward depression and negative attitudes. I almost left him back then, not because I knew of the affair, but because he was so distant and mean to me and the kids. A lot of things are so much clearer now that it's all out in the open. Took him four months to decide that his family was much more important than the OW. Things are so much better now, and he's a different, much happier person. That "hard look" that was in his eyes for so long is gone now.

As the betrayer, my affair lasted 4 months until D-Day, W thinks it went on longer. I changed for sure. It was selfish, but OW made me feel like I was the best man on the planet. It was a drug. How does one not enjoy feeling that way? Especially when one receives little attention at home. Anyway, I'd come home, and play the fourth link on my W's love chain and I was miserable. Why should I be here, when I can be number 1 in some goddess' arms? I don't know how long it would've lasted if I didn't leave a trail and get caught, because the addiction was so strong. I really believe in normal circumstances, soulmate affairs last 3-6 months. It encompasses you so intensely, that your spouse and other loved ones know something's up. My family is amazed I threw everything away, I'm still hoping my marriage isn't over. I'm just now trying to pick up the pieces. I do love my W and want my family back.

Wife's affair was 3 months before d-day, 6 months after, still going. Best wife, best mother, best daughter, best daughter-in-law, has turned into cheating, lying, destroying person. She aknowledges this, yet can't, won't committ to reconciliation. She even admits that affair probably doesn't have long term prospects, but on it goes. It's just amazing in the worst possible way.<P>Good Luck.

missy9<BR> My wife had the affair and it was only sexual for a few weeks ( I think but this is close). The emotional part lasted for another 5-6 months.<P> YES, a personality change is the normal. The human mind will filter out all information that does not back up what it wants to see. So in otherwords, your entire past with your H will only be the bad in his head. He will fail to remember anything good. It takes time, it takes absorbing a lot of hurt from him but you can get pass this. Don't take everything he says to much to heart for all it will do is pushed you into a deep depression. This is the reason why you should work on improving yourself.<P> I tell people to think of an affair as an addiction and it seems to be the way most view it and it seems to fit. I'm not talking about anything minor either I'm talking about something like Crack. It can be kicked, You can still love your partner but the drug is more powerful. In time this addiction can be overcome. <P> KEEP THE FAITH AND HANG IN THERE<P>Joe<BR>

Can any of you betrayers out there explain the fog that you went thru when you were having your affair. Also, what did it take to make the affair end? Did most of you just wake up one morning and say to yourself I miss my wife and kids? Or, is it something else??? Have any of you ever been afraid to admit to your wife that you made a mistake. Is it easier to live with your mistake then to admit it? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to make sense of my situtation.

H affair started 5 months before D day and lasted 6 months after. To use a scale to show his personality changeS. At marraige and up to just before affair started he was an 8 on good guy scale (or maybe a 7 on bad days). During affair he turned into the most hateful, cruel, arrogant, rude bast--- you could imagine meeting. He says partly because his knowing how horrible he was being made him blame me for it all on the surface so I got the worst of it and partly it was embracing the evil since he couldn't seem to break free of it and partly it was influenced by OW. Now that affair is over and H has become a born again Christian, he is a 9.5 on good guy scale (9.9 on a good day). This really is great except knowing that he was capable of being on the other end of the scale is hard to take for the future and knowing where he was on that scale makes it hard to believe he is really where he is now. Although been back together 9 months now and no signs of the bad guy--the longer that continues, the easier it gets to believe this is the real guy. My advice--don't be suprised by anything a spouse having an affair does.

I had to reply to this post. I think I am about 5 months from discovery, but I'm still unclear about what I've discovered. I'm pretty sure it is/was a strong EA. Could be a little PA in there. <P>I'm not sure how much went on before, but since their work is intense and the hours are long, there was lots of admiration and conversation going on. <P>I'm pretty sure it blindsided my H as much as it did me. Upon D, he became the polar opposite of himself.. He had been so kind and caring and affectionate. He became mean, selfish, arrogant, grandiose, condescending towards me and the kids. It was awful<P>He moved out in Feb. even though he was still not talking much about what was happening. He seemed to be in withdrawal here before he moved out. Had that possessed look in his eyes.<P>THe fantasy seems to be crashing. We have still not talked about the future but are getting ready too. He is much better to talk to now, including with the kids. But his memory is still reallly gone. He absolutely does not remember much of our marraige. When he thinks about it it seems in the distant past. That is soooooooo weird to me. Right before he left on a business trip with OP we made a lot of plans.<P><BR>If I didn't read all of the above Iwoould really think I was nuts...not him!!!!!!!<P>When this all began I told him it would come back and he said the old him was gone and never coming back!!!! <P>I mentioned recently that he would get his memory back and he said OK... only very slightly dismissive.<P>The one thing I have been lucky with is that my h went to see a counselor after his family and I sort of tricked him in to going to figure out what he was going to tell the kids. He never stopped going. I wish I could be a fly on the wall...maybe I'd know something.

Missy9 - I also had the affair, turned into this totally different person, lost most of my friends, my husband divorced me within 1 year and I have been depressed since. I have not been able to end the affair, mainly because I am lonely and may not see this person for weeks, then call him to help me know that there is someone out there. I feel terrible for ruining my husbands life and ignored the effect this had on my kids! I was really a different person then. I would like to have my old life back, but my ex doesn't. I tell him often that I want him back, but he says no. I don't want to hurt him again or admit to my affair, although I know he knew - we never talked about it. My marriage was missing closeness, sex and romance... When this person came along, I fell head over heels....