Please help. I have been doing good for the past couple of days not talking about the situation between us with my wife. This morning on the way to church I asked if she was o.k. She said she was just tired from staying up until 2:00 this morning studying. I know her better than that and she can't hide it from me. I let it die until we got back home. I asked again if she was o.k. and then she lost it. She said that she just woke up depressed about the whole thing and that it wasn't me. I cooked lunch while she read a book to calm down. She then went to work and I called her about 2 hours after she got there to see if she was feeling any better. She said she felt a little better and that she doesn't know why she got like that. Then we started talking about it. She said that she thinks she is depressed because she has been thinking about her future and she said that she thinks her goals in life have completely changed. Including being married right now. We are in marriage counceling and she is also having to work out problems from her past that she has never come to terms with. She feels that she can only get over her past by picking up, cutting all ties, and starting over somewhere else. In our first counceling session, the counceler set her up for a doctors appointment because she displayed signs of deep depression, not only from this, but from her past as far back as 12 years old. I started Plan A about a week ago and have been doing pretty good. I keep everything done around the house so she can concentrate on her school. She tells me she really appreciates the effort and that it makes her feel good. It's not just housework though, I have stopped doing anything that would keep our marriage from being the #1 priority in my life and she can see that. The only part of Plan A that I have to compromise on is the NO CONTACT rule between her and OM since they are in the same classes at college. I think I am doing very well considering she still sees OM twice a week at class. I have stopped probing about him and tell her to use her best judgement and that she knows right from wrong. She also thanks me for doing that and not adding more preasure by questioning. I just need some kind of assurance that the effort I am putting forth is doing any good. Because after what she said today, it makes me not want to try anymore but I know that I can't give up. I know she still has to love me in some way deep down or she would just take the easy way out and just leave.<P>If anyone can offer any advice, PLEASE DO!!!

Fulgore,<P>First of all, she must drop those classes. Tell her to get on this borad. I will talk to her. I am a betrayer myself. I am back in withdrawal for the 2nd time. I was doing great. All it took was for the OM to notice me on the road. Just driving down the same road. <BR>SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DO THIS!!!!!!!!<P>Can I get more info? How long did the affair last? Did you learn of it? Did she tell you ? How did all this take place?<P>Please!!!! Just stay with Plan A. Keep parying! This is normal. I had a depressing day last week. 97 days after the contact was cut. Then it got the best of me. I made contact of course. I regret it now. <P>It seems to me that she is wanting to get this on the road. I am the one in my family that was holding on. I knew that I wanted my family. <P>Prayers to you! This is normal..... This is the hardest thing she will ever do. She has to have NO CONTACT. This is IMPERATIVE!!! You may think it is minor now. Trust me. It is very important. I have heard it to many times on this board.<P>Prayers<BR>Renee

Fulgore, I agree that in order for her to start healing (and you too from this) that she needs to stop contact with the OM. I've read of some people who are in contact with the OP, and say that they will have to cope this way, but honestly in my case I could have NEVER started recovery if I were still in contact with the OM. Once the contact with the OM ceased, I was able to see more clearly. This is really important when it came to my own situation. <P>It sounds as if you're doing everything you can for her, and she really appreciates it. She's even told you she appreciates you, that's a step in the right direction. I was a betrayer as well, and I can understand what emotions she's going through. Hopefully she will understand SOON what you're doing for this marriage and end contact with the OM in order to give 100% to this marriage. An affair is such a complex and horrible thing to have to contend with...you should feel comfort in knowing that you are doing everything possible now to help her realize your commitment to this marriage.

Now, it is not realistic that she will stop her classes, not this far into the semester. Stick with plan A. She is going to display this type of behavior until the no contact rule is established. her change in goals probably has everything to do with her wanting to keep things up with the OM. Her feelings towards you will change into your favor eventually when she has no more contact with OM and is out of withdrawal. To help you with this I would highly recommend two books 1- Torn Asunder(excellent!!) and 2- Surviving an Affair(just bought and read, very good). these both will help you with all the questions you have and they have a better way to put things. OF the both I would recommend Torn Asunder-<P>Good Luck,<BR>Mercy

I dont really have any advice. I just wanted to encourage you to keep up the good work it sounds like you are doing. Also remember that she is going to have bad days and all you can really do is give her a hug and a kiss and tell her you love her and you are there for her. My H has been living with OW since Feb. 7 and is talking about coming home this week. I am very worried and scared because I am afraid of being hurt anymore, and also because he works with OW I am concerned because he can't afford to quit or move locations. And I'm sure that she won't quit or transfer either. I would feel so much more confident if they didn't have to see each other ever again.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by inamess:<BR><B>Fulgore,<P>First of all, she must drop those classes. Tell her to get on this borad. I will talk to her. I am a betrayer myself. I am back in withdrawal for the 2nd time. I was doing great. All it took was for the OM to notice me on the road. Just driving down the same road. <BR>SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DO THIS!!!!!!!!<P>Can I get more info? How long did the affair last? Did you learn of it? Did she tell you ? How did all this take place?<P>Please!!!! Just stay with Plan A. Keep parying! This is normal. I had a depressing day last week. 97 days after the contact was cut. Then it got the best of me. I made contact of course. I regret it now. <P>It seems to me that she is wanting to get this on the road. I am the one in my family that was holding on. I knew that I wanted my family. <P>Prayers to you! This is normal..... This is the hardest thing she will ever do. She has to have NO CONTACT. This is IMPERATIVE!!! You may think it is minor now. Trust me. It is very important. I have heard it to many times on this board.<P>Prayers<BR>Renee</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Renee<P>My wife had a very short EA with a little kissing and touching. Not even 2 weeks. I discovered it myself. I had a funny feeling and went through her e-mail and found the proof. I confronted her with it and she came clean. I'm in a bind because she is in her Masters Degree classes, already has a B.S. in Medical Technology. The B.S. took five years of school. The Masters will take another three. She cannot drop this class right now because she is one of the project leaders and the end of the semester is just two weeks away. We have spoken about holding off for a while after this semester, but she says she can't say right now with all that is going on in her life. Her main concern right now is getting this semester over with.<BR>If you want more of a history on my situation, go to "Just found out" under infedelity and another here in General Questions. <BR>Thank you for responding.<P>Jeff<BR>

Jeff...<P>I was the one responding to you back on the other forum...<P><B>You are doing GOOD</B>!<P>Persistance my friend...<BR>...keep on plowing along...<P>Is your counseling along the lines of MB concepts?...<BR>...bad counseling will kill all your attempts at recovery.<P> <P>Jim

There's another reason why she won't try some alternative to dropping the classes.<BR>Read this Dr. Harley article TOGETHER and see if it doesn't touch on what's REALLY bothering her about the future and her personal goals. It won't do you much good to read it by yourself, she needs to react to the article in front of you to get any breakthrough. Good luck.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5055_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5055_qa.html</A>