As difficult as it is, I have decided to opt for Plan B. My wife won't or can't give up the OM. It has been 6 months now since D-day. Her EA/PA started about 15 months earlier. I pseudo Plan A'd for the first two months before discovering this site and have Plan A'd as best as I have been able to these last four months. Counselling hasn't helped. I can't take the knowledge of her continuing affair and my resulting obsession and anxiety any longer. <BR>My feeling at this point is that Plan A is creating such a good environment at home that it is only allowing her more time to continue to strengthen her bond to the OM. She seems to have little incentive to break it off since she's getting the best of both worlds (although I know she's torn by conflicting emotion). She doesn't entirely disagree with this assessment. <P>While we have both seen changes in each other to try and meet our identified EN's, I apparently have been unsuccessful at determining what her OM is providing that I cannot. She says she doesn't know what additional need he's providing, but obviously there's something; either she truly doesn't know or is afraid to tell me (revealing her feelings to anyone has always been difficult for her).<P>In any event, a trial separation is what is best for us now. A couple questions. For those that had the opportunity, how much time did folks who implemented Plan B give their spouses to make other arrangements before having them move out? How long did your Plan B effort last before reconciliation or divorce occurred? Did you leave your Plan B open ended or did you agree to reassess the situation periodically? Thanks for your input.<P><BR>

I am suprised this post has not been addressed yet. Plan B is rough, it is used to save what can be saved of one's self and the love they have for their spouse. I my case there was no reassesment, but luckily it did not last long. However some have been permanent. I can understand the need to do something, but make sure if this is what you want to do that you are prepared to do it to the letter.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Tom, I believe that our government has been conducting cloning experiments for some 20-30 years, because you and I married the same woman. I've only been in this situation for a little over a month now; we separated the day she told me and she's been dropping in to take care of the kids and then going back to the OM's place (best of both worlds, yes). We filled out the EN questionnaire, and I see that I failed miserably in several areas; I know what he's providing that I wasn't (affection, conversation, recreational companionship, financial support, etc.). We never discussed these issues; I thought I was doing ok and that we had a better marriage than most. We have two daughters (8 & 10 yrs.) and no family that lives close to us; emotional needs were shelved. She never revealed her feelings to me (sound familiar?) and said that she's kept her unhappiness to herself for the past 5-10 years.<BR> Do you two have children and how long have you been married? I think I'm already at the point to attempt Plan B, too...<P>theo

Theo, Tom,<P>Another clone. My wife has been involved with OM 9 months total. D-Day was 6 months ago, we separated 3 months later, I moved out.<P>I moved out because the home was becoming hostile and a bad place for our 2 kids. The problem with moving out or separating is it provides a license to develop the relationship.<P>My wife is guilt ridden, but is now asking for a divorce. She is desparate to choose a path. I now wish I had never moved out of the house. I find it very difficult to plan A effectively when you are separated and trying to give space. Staying together is difficult, you have to learn to control your anxiety. I would try to stay together if you want the marriage to work.<P>Good luck.

Thank you both for your responses.<P>Paul- Doing Plan B to the letter or not was something my wife and i talked about last night. Some folks that have posted here have Plan B'd to the letter and some have done a "modified" Plan B. Either way, the success rate seemed about 50/50. I'm the one still vacillating about a trail separation being beneficial or not. I keep thinking "can I stand another month or two of limbo", "will Plan A-ing some more help get her off the fence or just delay the inevitable".<P>Theo - I've been married 20 years and have 2 teenage sons (15 & 19). We did the EN questionaire but it didn't reveal either of us being that unhappy in any area. She wanted somewhat more emotional support and I wanted somewhat more affection. Unfortunately, she found the emotional support she was seeking from a co-worker that is also going through a separation from his wife. He's told her that emotional support was what he was lacking from his wife. I think that sharing that common need is what keeps the affair alive. <P>You're in a tough situation. I've read other posts that some have been successful doing Plan A while separated by doing it the best they can when the spouse is present. It can't hurt. <P>