I am torn over if I should tell OM's wife about his affair with my wife. I had suspicions for some time and uncovered the affair a month ago. The affair had been over for a number of months (wife called it off)but did not know how to tell me. OM had tried to continue affair after wife called it off. He would continue to call her at work even after she told him to stop. On day I found out I asked her to call him and let him know that I knew. He has not contacted her since. I have written him emails (nice emails not threatening or mean) and he has not responded. I feel that I should let him tell his wife about the affair but my wife says he would probably not tell her. I believe she has a right to know. Should I be the one to let her know? My wife and I are rebuilding our marriage. I have come to terms with my involvement as to a contributing factor of wifes affair. Since I found out a month ago we have been reading books on affairs and building marriages and I realize that my lack of giving her attention and affection was the main cause of her affair. OM was meeting her emotional needs where I was not. For the first time in many years both wife and I can say we are happily married. <P>

what would be the purpose of telling Om wife? What do you have to gain or lose by telling her? chances are the affair will be known at some point and time. affairs do not stay a secret for ever. <P>I would leave things be as long as he OM is not making contact with your W, leave it alone. continue healing. chances are if you tell OM W, it will open up more wounds that could be healing.<P>Good Luck<BR>mercy

LTSA: We are two peas in a pod. I have / had<BR>the exact same problem. I am 7mos down the road in recovery. My W had an EA w/ making out, touching, hugs...very sexual intimate conversations....I caught the EA early on, only about 3 weeks into it,and no sex had yet occured. No difference though, my W admitted to having sx mentally, so same thing Biblically speaking. anyway......Inititally I threatened to tell OM's wife if he continued to pursue, I had a phone conversation w/ OM 2months after D-Day. See, we have a weird sitsutation, both our kids are on the same sports team. We see the OM and his W several times a month. I emailed him just this morning about team stuff. His W emails with My W!!! I have not told his W yet, and now I think its too late. I think it should be up to him, early on, in retrospect, I think I should have called her right away, but I have let too much time go by. Our pastor wife almost called her for us. Ouch! The OM has <BR>apoligized and has never done anything that I said he could not do, he has been totally cooperatitive w/ whatever I wished, I guess because I hold the Ace of Spades so to speak.<BR>When we/I am around his W , I just feel sick. <BR>I fear that someday , somehow she will find out and will hate me and my W more than the OM for not telling. Its a tough decision for sure. <P>------------------<BR>jnvc

Have any of you forgotten the unbelievable pain we've all felt upon learning that the one we had given our hearts and trust to decided to betray us--in the arms of another?? I know I haven't. I thought the pain I experienced long ago with the accidental death of my fiance must surely be the worst anyone could endure...I was wrong. Knowing this, I decided NOT to tell the OW's H. What purpose would it serve to put another innocent party through this...except, of course, a sense of "getting even" with the OW?? I'm far from a heroine, but I won't have the pain and anguish of that man and three children on my conscience. If God means for them to find out, it will be in His own time and His way, NOT mine.<P>------------------<BR>Wounds within take longer to heal....

I think you should tell her. <P>Why?<P>Because affairs are symptomatic of problems with the betrayer or with the marital relationship. If these problems are never resolved... well, the betrayer will never alter their behavioural patterns and the problems will simply get worse and worse.<P>The W deserves an opportunity to help her H with his problems and deserves to know about the seriousness of the problems with their marital relationship so that they can work on it together.<P>I think if you must tell OM's W, contact OM and tell him that he has a week to tell his W everything. After which you will contact her (regardless of whether or not he has told you that he's told her anything or not), and tell her what you know, and what she needs to hear. After all, he may tell her somethings but he likely won't tell her everything.<P>OM's W deserves to know. I hope you tell her. Yes, it will hurt, but in the long run you're only giving her information and opportunity to salvage her marriage.<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

I, too, believe you should tell her. I haven't forgotten the pain of discovering the affair my H had, but if I had never found out (or found out much later!) it would have been much, much worse. His W does have a right to know and if it's you that tells her instead of her cheating H, then I think that's fine. I, myself, told the H of the OW about the affair. In my opinion, you'll give her the opportunity to begin the healing process. Plus, it will make YOU feel better, too.<P>Mare

JNVC here again,,,<BR>I am in the same boat as LTSA, I have a real<BR>deliema. I gave my word to the OM that I would not tell, he never asked me not to. I he was being so cooperative it just came out of my mouth. I have never gone back on my word. I see the points made, this is tearing me up. They both are not BAC ( born again Christians) we are. They don't have the anchor we do. <><<BR>She is such a nice lady. We are even congenial with each other that is all 4 of us. When we/I am around her I think...she should know. A friend of mine also mentioned that the OM does not have anyone to be accountable to. He said this was his first time at cheating, but who really knows but him and God. I wish I had told early on, it would have made it much easier than now. <BR>If I told, one thing that the OM said during one of the first calls that I let my W make on D day was to tell him I know, and that I was going to tell his W if he continued anything, he told her that if it caused his W to leave him, he would then pursue my W. He never reinforced that, it was said only once,<BR>but it still makes me wonder. <BR>My wife doesn't want me to tell for obvious reasons but she will let me do whatever I have to. I am sure she is affraid of what the OM's W might do, our weird sort congenial friendship would be over for sure, she might tell others that would humiliate my W more,<BR>oh...decisions, <BR>and also...LTSA, I too realize my part in the affair, it was definately a threesome for responsibility, actually, the OM's W probably was not meeting his needs either...so its really a 4 way street huh?<P>------------------<BR>jnvc<p>[This message has been edited by jnvc (edited March 28, 2000).]

Yes. Right now, the OM's wife is the idiot and wouldn't appreciate remaining one if you didn't let her know the truth.<P>Once she knows, hubby might decide that he needs to cool it for a while with your wife. That could work to your advantage. The full force of his wife's pain will also dull the fantasy that your wife's affair has enjoyed under all this secrecy.<P>Now she's hurt someone. Now reality starts to set in for your wife's thinking.<P>

Cuckold,<BR>Let me understand this, I think I get it,<BR>by telling the OM's W , this would/might deminish my W's intrigue or fantasy about what went on because now she knows. (?)<BR>That would make sense I guess. Interesting way to look at it. I still don't know if I can do it. <P>------------------<BR>jnvc

What I'm saying is that now your wife is in a fantasy. She's not the "evil other woman", "the homewrecker", "damaging children", etc.<P>Right now she's just the "lover". The consequences of her behavior haven't fully hit home yet.<P>Once his wife is told the truth, I guarantee you that his wife will be furious with your wife and let her know it if she can.<P>This will not be a fun experience for your wife. Therefore, telling the OM's wife about the affair will make your wife's affair less enjoyable.<BR>

Speaking of "consequences," better think this one all the way through before you act to tell anyone. Things might get worse rather than better, i.e., the OM and wife might get a divorce and leave OM "free." Besides, I'm sorry but I don't believe anyone tells the spouse being cheated on because she/he should know to "help" their spouse with her/his problem. The other thing is, will telling the OM's W drive your W even farther away from you?? Take it slow, YOU know the parties involved and how they might react better than any of us. <P>------------------<BR>Wounds within take longer to heal....

LTSA,<P>TELL the OM's W!! Don't wait till time marches on and it gets to that "too much time has passed" point like in JNVC's case.<P>Last year after D-day of my W's affair (which was a Sat.), I had my W sit down with the the OM at their work (yes they were co-workers) with a neutral friend/witness that worked with them (and I knew/talked to about what happened) and tell the OM that I discovered the affair and that it was now over. I also had her tell him that he had 24 hours to tell his W (then at the time 5 months along with their first child) because after that I would be contacting her to make sure that she knew what her dear "hubby" had been up to.<P>Well sure enough, he didn't tell her and when I called her (27.5 hours later), she was mighty pissed! She thanked me and said she had "felt" something was up, but couldn't uncover the truth for sure. She had even busted him just a few days before with a condom he left in the pocket of some of his jeans she was washing (no doubt reserved for my W!). You can guess that since they had no need for them for the past 5 months, she confronted him about it, but the lying little weasel gave her the "oh honey, your pregnant...I would never cheat on you....I found that on the floor at work and meant to throw it away...(lies, lies, lies). Anyway the OM had to have had a real fun evening that day!!<P>I told her for several reasons. Number one was to punish HIM! To make sure he little life was turned topsey-turvey just like mine! And number two, I didn't want him to be able to maintain his little habits and normal behaviours so he could continue to have the opportunity to secretly meet/contact my W! I wanted this thing to reach critical mass for him too so his W would be watching his every move!!!<P>Sure I know that I took a big risk. She could have kicked him out right then and there and called it quits. He then would have then been free to pursue my W. But I figured the odds where in my favor since they had a baby on the way and I knew that this loser's dad (who he also worked with,) adored his DIL! I thought it would all "implode" on him and he'd then be on a pretty short leash from all parties involved. I was dead on right! He didn't try any contact with my W from that point on. Even when my W (during her withdrawl period) tried emailing him, he never responded back (I had her account monitored).<P>Plus I thought of the whole thing like this. If the tables were turned and the OM's W would have found out first, would I have wanted her to ring me up with the wonderful news of what she had discovered?? Or would I rather her mind her own buinsess and not want to drop that bombshell on me. Hmmmm.....I can safely say "HELL YES, I WOULD EXPECT HER TO TELL ME"! I would want confirmation of all those strange/odd little feelings and suspicions! I would want that final evidence to bring this ugly thing out into the open so I could do something about it. It's better to know the truth no matter how devasting than to continue to live blissfully ignorant in the deceitful world your cheating spouse has created for the both of you!<P>Only when all of the cards are out on the table can people make truly informed decisions about their lives! No spouse should be "shielded" from the truth by those who know because they should be "protected" or it should be the cheating spouse who breaks it to them. As we all know, 99 times out of a hundred, the cheating spouse finds it much easier to continue with the lies than to come clean and risk the consequences!<P>-knifed

I agree that all should know. I don't think there is closure until all parties involved have a piece of the pie to contend with. It only helps to get it out in the open and let the chips fall where they may. God will take care of it all in the end.

Goooosh, I wish I would have told the OM's wife when I found out, but I didn't. I thought it might cause more problems since they were co-workers. Any way, by not telling, it just caused the affair to hit a bump, but they started right back up again. It wasn't till our counseling sessions 9 months later that I found out it continued. It was like by not telling, I approved of the affair in her mind. I knew it had happened, but did nothing to try to break them up. It would have brought reality out in the open. No more fantasyland.

I'm a betrayed wife that got told about the affair. I am very glad the OW's husband told me; it confirmed all the suspicious thoughts and fears I had had for the previous 8 months. It reaffirmed to me that I WAS NOT crazy, like my H was telling me I was for suspecting him of cheating. Yes, I was totally devasted after I was told the truth, words cannot describe the incredible despair I felt after being told the truth. We were separated at the time her H told me, and my H and his wife were deep into their affair. His wife had left him for my H. After I told my H I knew about his affair, he abruptly ended it. A week before I was told the truth, H had started asking to come home. Guess he was thinking that he could have his cake and eat it too. He was wrong.<P>It's a hard decision only you can make. Consider all the consequences fully before doing anything. Sorry I'm not much help here.<P>

I am also torn over the same issue. For me, it's not about punishing anyone, for surely only the children get punished. It's more about recognizing that she played a role too in where we all are. I have made my decision on what I want to do. My wife has has not yet made her's but will soon. Apparently, the OM has made his decision (stay with his wife). The only one who has not had a chance to decide is the OM's wife. I don't want to sound to judgemental but all 4 of us are quilty of where we all are now. All 4 of us must face the issue and work things out. However, I also fear that she will decide to leave him and in doing so, "leave the door open". As long as he stays away, I'm inclined to say nothing. My counselor has said my silence condones their behavior and involves me in their deception. If you subscribe to the policy of complete honesty, you'll find yourself in conflict with this immediately.<P>Please let us know what you decide and how it goes.<p>[This message has been edited by NickM (edited April 22, 2000).]

To Knifed;<BR>A bit late on this response...oops..<BR>I like your thoughts, I regret it so much not telling the OM's W early on. ANd making that stupid promise to him I would not tell as long as he stayed away. I would feel like a betrayer to my word, I never go back on that, this is why its so hard now!. <BR>For those who have not told yet, DO IT Early after D-day. <BR>The point about my wife's fantasy and for the OM at this moment has no accoutablility for future affairs. <BR>His wife is such a nice woman, it will just break my heart to tell her, but I don't know what else to do, this is one of the toughest<BR>decisions ever. <BR>Only because I waited too long! <BR><P>------------------<BR>jnvc