I have information on my friend's husband. He's having an EA and I'm not sure what to do about it, except pray and fast for them. I just want some input.<P>JP

Hi. Since I am up at this ungodly hour and I doubt many are, I thought I would respond! I think you should probably tell her. I already know about my husband's affair but recently I saw a friend of mine and she acted really strange. There is a possibility she could know through a third party and now I am wondering if she does. Point is, I have actually started feeling hurt that she would not tell me if she knew something. BUT, you should be really sure you know what you think you know. Especially with an EA. How do you know how her husband feels? And you should definitely think about how/what you would say before you plunge into it. Are you that close of friends with her that you would want her to tell if it were you?

Disagree. Don't tell your friend. She already knows, in her heart, and is probably humiliated that others may also know. Just pray for them and be there for her. Her H can't help giving himself away as much as he may seem to be able to keep his feelings discrete. My H is the great Stone Face but there are signs if a W knows what to look for. If your friend ever confides in you, just support her but without saying anything critical about her H. You could lose your friendship with her if they continue being married. Others saw what was going on with my H and held their tongues. The humiliation of an EA is very painful. Like I said, your friend knows.

I agree with Deadinside, but only if you are positive about everything. If I was to find out one of my friends didn't tell me I would go balistic. But I do have a little anger control thing going. IMHO

As the BS in an EA, I didn't know what to look for. I need a friend to talk to. What kills me is that the OW is a friend. If she saw his EN, why didn't she warn me? well, she did, at first they were open about her telling him that he could talk to her about anything, anytime, when he was feeling friendless and I was praying for him to get a (male)mentor. Since he's never very open with me, what could I do?<P>So, the correct approach may not be to directly expose the EA, they will get careless, my WS & OW did. But more to the point get your friend to think about her relationship with her husband and whether it is what they both hoped it would be at this point in their lives. Clueless people need subtle clues, not slaps in the face. Besides having to deal with plan A, I have to defend my WS to my mother who is freaking more than me. I have to be calm or it's all over. Just be ready to catch her on her D day when it hits. We all need lots of love! God sent me an angel (and not the one I would have picked on my D day and I don't know what I would do without her. (I have to defend WS against her disappointment in him, too, but she lets me vent and keeps an eye out for their contacts for me.<P>Make sure that love is your motivation and unless he's always been a total jerk, the WS is hurting too.

Jungle princess<BR>This is such a tough situation to be in.<BR>My first thought is usually to let the betrayer know that you are aware of the situation and tell them you only want to give them the opportunity to confess on their own. Depending on the reaction I would go from there.<P>Whenever I see this question I am reminded of what happened in my case. <P>I discovered my H's affair in Dec. '98. Plan A. In the end of Jan., H got drunk, told all his friends at the bar what was up and went to spend the weekend with bimbo. This is how it all became public.<BR>The wife of one of the friends called me the next night. It was terribly hard for her to do that. She couldn't come right out and say what she needed to. Finally when I asked if she had seen H, She said "That's what I'm calling about....do you know what's going on?"<BR>To make a long story short, I did know. But I had nothing but admiration for this woman who wasn't really a close friend of mine. We are now good friends. She had been on the infidelity road in the past and helped me with a lot of things.<BR> About six months after that conversation, I told her that I needed to thank her properly for having the guts to tell me instead of gossiping about it like the rest of them were. Telling me was one of the hardest things she ever did. But I have a lot of respect for someone who has that kind of courage.

wasstubborn is right about someone having the guts to tell instead of gossipping.<P>I had to come back to add that I wish I had known what to do on D day. We didn't even find HNHN until 3 months later. If I had had it, or access to the articles here, we might have ended up like Kevin & Lee (p. 52, SAA)but I ended up doing a lot of lovebusting and now we're on plan A. He sees her some and I have to deal with it. He might have agreed to total separation and a POJA. Now we have nothing and a probable plan B. He is more and more withdrawn, whereas he was truly sorry on D day.<P>So, what I'm trying to say is, give her whatever MB materials have been helping you, have a counselor and place to buy Surviving An Affair in mind, and be ready for the stuff to hit the fan.<P>Love and prayers

Only you can decide whether to tell or not....but think it through and be prepared not to get the thanks you might want.<P>I found out about my husband's affair through the intervention of God....but then found out that people I thought were my friends knew and never said a word. The agony of their lack of love and courage added to the agony of his betrayal.<P>You might consider asking this friend if things are okay in her marriage rather than just coming out and accusing her husband of an affair. You could let her know that you care and are praying for her and that you commit to never gossiping about her or her marriage no matter what she shares with you. If she is suspicious and you have a close relationship, then she may well confide her fears to you and you could share some of what you know. But always try to be loving and don't condemn her husband. If there really is an affair and she wants to restore her marriage, you must be an ally for <B>both</B> spouses.....for the marriage.<P>Pray for God to reveal the right path here....He will.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

Thanks so much for all your responses. For now, I've decided to just keep in contact with my friend. We've been sharing our marital woes (our husbands are best friends), and the more I share my feelings about infidelity, and the more she shares about her feelings, well, I think the path will show itself soon. And, of course, I'll keep praying about it. <P>I have a friend who had information and she didn't share it with me, and I can't help but feel a little distant from her at times. But, looking back, I guess I already suspected, and God was dropping major hints to me all the time. My friend is a strong Christian woman, and I'm sure God is giving her all the right information.<P>JP