Well, I thought we were doing better but we are actualy doing worse. I have been doing all I can to stay positive and to stick to Plan A, but today my W threw it all back in my face.<P>When I went to work today, my W made sure I had a full day of work and that I would not be coming home early. I didn't think anything about it at first until later. I wound up getting done really early so I called home to see if she wanted to go to lunch. When I called, she wasn't there. No big deal I thought, she said she was going to the tanning bed. I came home and her tanning lotion was gone and all of her jewelry was here including her wedding ring. No big deal I thought, she always leaves her jewelry here so she will not forget it at the tanning place. So I called the tanning place and they said that she had not been in and did not have an appointment for today. Then I went into the bathroom. The shower was still wet from where she had just taken a shower. I thought, "That's funny, why would she take a shower if she was going to get all oiled up for the tanning bed?" She got home way too late to get another shower before going to work, about 1:45, she has to be at work at 2:30, so I knew something was up.<P>When she got home she said I would be proud of her for getting her oil changed and she gave me the reciept. I think she did not realize that the reciept had the exact time in and out of the shop. She took the car in at 12:39 and they got done at 1:18. She was already gone from the house by 10:30. Tanning only takes about 30 min. So she had 1.5 extra hours assuming that she did go tanning.<P>Just before she left for work, I asked her in a very nonthreatening way if she really went tanning. I told her I did not smell her tanning lotion. She said that she did go tanning but decided not to wear her lotion today. She could tell that I was suspisious, but I told her that I would just have to get over it. As I walked her out to her car, she asked me what was wrong again and I told her that I just needed assurance that she did not go see OM today. She said and promised that she did not. I told her that I believed her and that her word was good enough. <P>Well, she got to work and called me about 1.5 hours later and spilled the beans. She spent the day with OM. She said that she could tell that I knew when she left but did not have time to get into it right then. She says that she realizes I gave her plenty of chances to tell the truth but she chose not to. We talked for about 2 hours on the phone but of course got nothing accomplished. I finaly made a decision based on my feelings. I am now at the point where I have to think about my well being in this situation because I am about to go insane. She still wants to wait to decide between me and OM until she can have some time completely alone. She still wants me to come up to the condo half way through the vacation so we can make a decision together. I told her the only way I would agree to that is that she had to make a decision now that until then, she would not talk to or see OM outside of school. If she could not do that, she had already made her decision as far as I am concerned.<P>I know that I may have LB, but I will not allow myself to become a doormat for her to walk all over. I would like to try to go to plan B first, but I don't think she will even let me continue on plan A.<P>I know this is really long, but this JUST happened and I need to vent before I do something stupid. You people on here are the only people I can talk to this about.<P>If anyone can offer anything, Please help!!!!

Hi,<P>I'm sorry to hear that you had such a horrible experience today. I am kind of going through the same thing, except I have no proof that there is OW. I want to know if there is one. I have asked, and he says there is no one else, only that he has to work out his feelings for me on his own.<P>This is a difficult time for you, but it sounds as though you have been struggling with this situation for some time now. I guess you are at a point where you want to move on in some direction. I know its to work things out with your W, or just not feeling the way you do now (which sounds like you've given her an ultimatum).<P>I really don't know what to say or how to advise you. Only that I hope things work out the way you want them to so that you will feel better about your marriage. Continue to be calm, loving, and positive even if she doesn't give you the decision you want to hear.<P>Best wishes!

My previous reply to you still stands:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I don't know how to tell you to cope with this, but I can offer some reassurance.<BR>These things your wife is saying and feeling right now are typical! That is good news! <P>Why?<P>Because it shows that this is a typical affair. And, "typical" means that it is a fantasy that poisons their perception of you, your past, your marriage, your current outcome, etc.... but, that 'typically' it won't last! They get their minds back! They are amazed at the things they said while in their (coined phrase here Bad Brain Period!<P>Keep on loving your wife, and put another measure notch on your stick that measures smaller increments, and DO NOT LOVEBUST, and if reading her posts causes you to feel deflated, don't read them! <P>Meet every need you can imagine she has! You will have your life back, it will be sooner than you think. It is a tough ride, but we will get through it. You will see success.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why does it still stand? Because - your wife is acting "TYPICAL" - and really, Fulgore, this is good news. It means that if you handle yourself appropriately (plan A), plan A, you will win your wife back.<P>She is making poor decisions and lame excuses because it is typical. It is also typical that the fantasy wears off if you hang in there long enough.<P>Congratulations on handling a horrible situation with style. You get an A today.

Hugs...<P>From reading her post I sense a bit of sarcasm in her I'm getting what I want. I don't know if the big D is what she wants. She's very confused by all of her choices right now. <P>Anyway, this is a pretty lousy predicament to be in. Do you want to let her go? I'd say if you're not sure then continue with plan A. Plan B although really appealing comes with an incredibly larger risk. <P>Hugs again...<P>If you need a nerf bat to swing around I'll lend you my cyber one.

Beth28,<P>Thanks for your reply. To answer your question, no I do not want to loose her. I want more than anything to make this all better and for her to forgive me and me forgive her and get on with our marriage. I know that this can be turned into a learning process and we could grow stronger and closer than ever. But it's a two way street. She has to be willing also. I thought she was at first, then she threw it all back in my face. I had no choice but to do what I did last night. I have to consider my well being also, because I felt like I was going insane. <P>I did not speak with a lawyer today about anything. I am not going to file for divorce, at least not yet. I know she still wants her time alone to sort some things out, and that could be very good. With all of the distractions out of the way she may be able to come to realize what is going on. Because right now she is too confused to make any kind of decision and I know that. Me asking her to leave was for her benefit just as much as mine. The longer she continued to see OM and lie about it, the worse she felt having to look at me when she got home after being with him. And the worse I felt having to know deep down that she was lieing and wouldn't tell me the truth.<P>Believe me, what I did last night was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It's like the old saying, "If you love something, let it go free. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be." I am going to give her all the space she needs. I know that this may not work out the way I want it to. I have accepted that. If not, I will use this as a learning experience.<P>"Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger."<P>

Beth28,<P>Thanks for your reply. To answer your question, no I do not want to loose her. I want more than anything to make this all better and for her to forgive me and me forgive her and get on with our marriage. I know that this can be turned into a learning process and we could grow stronger and closer than ever. But it's a two way street. She has to be willing also. I thought she was at first, then she threw it all back in my face. I had no choice but to do what I did last night. I have to consider my well being also, because I felt like I was going insane. <P>I did not speak with a lawyer today about anything. I am not going to file for divorce, at least not yet. I know she still wants her time alone to sort some things out, and that could be very good. With all of the distractions out of the way she may be able to come to realize what is going on. Because right now she is too confused to make any kind of decision and I know that. Me asking her to leave was for her benefit just as much as mine. The longer she continued to see OM and lie about it, the worse she felt having to look at me when she got home after being with him. And the worse I felt having to know deep down that she was lieing and wouldn't tell me the truth.<P>Believe me, what I did last night was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It's like the old saying, "If you love something, let it go free. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be." I am going to give her all the space she needs. I know that this may not work out the way I want it to. I have accepted that. If not, I will use this as a learning experience.<P>"Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger."<P>

Fulgore,<P>(((((((((((((FULGORE))))))))))))))))))))<P>Hang in there big guy! I was the same way. She said she was feeling very good at school because her friends accepted her. They are making her fell good. <P>You need to do the same thing. Remember tath I was once in her shoes. LOOK AT ME NOW!!! <BR>Just keep your faith in God!<P>prayers <BR> <BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Did you read in Dr. Harley's articles that during the withdrawal process there are often a couple of slip ups? There was in my case, and in many others that I have read. The last one I was convinced I was getting a divorce. Even went to the bank to check into getting a seperate checking account. I took a deep breath though went home, and something inside of me decided to give it a couple of days before making any moves. We're in recovery now. Things are great. It's frustrating, hurtful, makes you want to cry, makes you want to hit things. One way or another though it will get better. Nerf bats still ready if you need it.