I need ya'll's opinions on this because I am really feeling like I am at the end of my rope with this man. I don't know if I want this marriage anymore. I need to hear from objective people. <P>Background info: My H had sex with a woman he had never met before over a period of a couple of weeks. This was nine months ago (when I was eight months pregnant with our second child). He confessed this to me almost two months ago. We have gone to counseling once a week and are trying to put this back together. At least we were. <P>This is the problem... <BR>I want to find this woman. I have a deep need to write her a letter and tell her what she has done. Yeah, she already knows. The problem comes in because my H is not being honest with me (I don't think)about specific information about her. He told me her name and drove me by the apartment where she supposedly lived. Well, I went to the apartment and the manager let me look in the data base(illegal, I know). No one by that name ever lived there. He claims that she moved and he has no idea where. Could you have sex with someone and not know where they were from or where they were about to move to? Or any other identifying information about them? I don't think so. <P>So, this is the problem. I feel like he is lying to me. He swears that he is not and that is all he knows. We are up against a brick wall. I see no way around it but to back away and get the he!! out of Dodge. <P>We had our counseling session today and there was a big spectacle. Our pastor feels that it is important for me to be able to find this woman and get the closure I need. My H feels like the pastor and I are "double teaming" him. <P>By H refusing to tell me what I need to know it tells me this: 1)He is more interested in protecting her from what I might do than he is in having a healthy marriage with me.<BR>2) Maybe she isn't a stranger after all and it is someone I know or am friends with, so that's why he won't tell me where she is<BR>3) Maybe it did not end when he said it did, or maybe it still has not ended<BR>In any case, he is not concerned with how I feel and what I need. Yes, he was honest and confessed this to me but, now he wants to control how much information I have. <P>I don't want to be in a marriage where he is not completely honest with me. I said so today in counseling. He freaked out and said that I have no idea what it feels like to be in his situation. True enough. He said I have no idea what it feels like to be so close to losing his wife and children and not living in the same house with his children. That I hold all the cards and I could just decide to end this and find someone else and some other man would be raising his children. Some other man would be tucking them in at night and telling them stories. Well, he should have thought of that before he had sex with someone else. <P>Ultimately, I would like to work this out. I do love him. I don't want a divorce. But, I have no interest in being the long-suffering wife. I have no interest in being with a man who is not honest with me. He doesn't see why I need to get this information about the OW. He thinks it is making us move in the wrong direction. He thinks I am focused on the wrong things. What he doesn't get is that I would be able to move on if I knew that what he told me was true. When I felt that he was being honest with me about her and everything, things have never been better between us (relatively speaking). I can't build a marriage on half-truths. That is just how I feel. <P>Please respond! I need some input. Even if you think I am way off base, tell me!

I am just putting this back up to see if someone has any input for me. <BR>I need some direction.

DeadInside: I have not been in a situation of infidelity but have been subjected to many lies. <BR>I was struck by what you wrote what your husband said about maybe losing his family and someone else raising his children. It sounds to me like he wants to be with you, and as hard as it may be, hang in there. In my own situation we went through one year of hell and we both wanted to back out many times, but we hung in there and worked it through. <BR>Someone else on this board will have to answer the question about knowing who the OW was, but if you could look 30 years down the road when you are grandparents, will it matter? I don't know. You still could write the letter to her, even if she never gets it. <BR>Best to y'all. <p>[This message has been edited by mariesue (edited April 27, 2000).]

Dear Dead Inside-<BR>I totally sympathize with your need for the truth. I understand the closure that knowing all the details would bring. <P>I have been in your position and I have to share that the truth is a two edged sword.<BR>Knowing all the details of the past is not going to improve your marriage. It just might make it harder for you to work on because you will NEVER forget the miserable details of your husband's indiscretions.<P>I have made all the mistakes and I feel that I have wasted years of my life trying to MAKE my husband be truthful with me---How do you do that? I also want him to be accountable for every minute of everyday, and that doesn't work either.<P>I know it is not fair, but I don't know that it is any greener on the other side of the fence. I want my marriage to work and have decided the only way to be happy is to accept responsibility for my own happiness and be the best person I can be. <P>I may be in denial, but I think that eventually the truth comes out anyway. I don't think people can escape the consequences of their actions. You have given your husband an second chance with his family. Take it, Run, and Dont Look Back!<P>Yes, there is a chance that it might happen again, and yes I don't want to open myself up to rejection a second time either----But, there is also the opportunity to make his love for you stronger by being BIGGER than this situation.<P>You said yourself that you don't want a divorce. Dont waste your life and your childrens by spending each day agonizing over whether he is being truthful or not. <BR>Just make the most of every day and LOVE all the people in your family---believe it or not, they could be gone tommorrow.<P>I wish your family the best!<BR>

mariesue and GodAlone,<P>Thank you for responding. That is pretty much what I thought I would hear. I guess that is maybe what I need to hear. <BR> <BR>I just don't think I can forgive until I know what all it is that I am forgiving. I know I should be thankful that he wants to work it out. But, how do I know he even means that if I don't have all the truth anyway?<BR> <BR>I am in my late twenties and I feel like I am at a pivotal time. I could brush this under the rug and deal with this again when I am forty or I can get out of this now. <P>Maybe I am posting in the wrong place because everyone here seems to think you should stay married no matter what. Or you should want to. <P>Well, the only thing that makes me sicker than being married to someone who cheated on me is being married to a liar. <P>I'm sorry. I know you are just trying to be supportive of my marriage. I only wish my husband were as concerned about our marriage as total strangers seem to be. <P>You really think I should want to be in a marriage where he is lying to me still? <P>It started out with me wanting to know the facts about the OW. Now it has turned into me finding out that he is still lying and trying to keep things from me. That is what will break us. Not me not being able to find her, but him trying to protect her or whatever his reasons for lying are. <P>Thanks for listening. I just wish I could look into the future and see what is in store. I just know that if he doesn't come clean and tell me the truth this will never work.