My situation is somwhat different from most in so far as my husband is sorry for what he has done (had an affair from oct 98 to jan 99 with someone who is nineteen years his junior)and I cannot come to terms with it?<P>He is forty and she is twenty one and the thoughts of that just sends me into orbit.<P>He finished the affair but i dont clap him in the back for that. I feel so much resentment, hurt, and anger towards him for it and I wonder if I will ever get over it.<P>Its a pride thing I think, and I would be glad if anyone out there could help me overcome all of these feelings.<P>Thanks for listening.<P>Gabrielle

It helps me to focus on why he did it...the confusion and depression, and the things in our marriage that had made each of us feel unloved. To realize that he did it out of his pain, and that he did not set out to have an affair, but let a friendship cross the line bcs he was lonely and unhappy. It does not in any way excuse his behavior, but understanding it makes it easier to forgive...<P>Kathi

I focus on the fact that my normal H would have never done something like this in a million years. So therefore something happened to him and it did. He went through a very bad period of time low self esteem, my not really being there for him because of other things happening in our family. He became ill it was a mental illness of sorts. He is now on antidep. and we are working on him coming back home. Me feelings is that if he had anyother kind of illenss, like cancer, heart attack, I would be there for him and help him through it. As I see this is an illness why shouldn't I do the same. Anyway that is my way of forgiving him for all the pain and hurt he has caused his family, he didn't know what he was doing. My H was no there.<BR>That is how I do it. Maybe thinking about this might help.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

To Kam6318 and to SDS<P>Thank you for your reply's <P>I often wonder why he did it as well and sometimes I can feel sorry for him. I know he was really depressed after the affair and he told me he used to go to the beach which is quite unuasual in Ireland because you would get a bad flu from there its so cold but it gave him some solace to just sit there and think about us and her and what he wanted but most of the time I think he was just missing her and how he would cope without her. It must have been hard to leave when he really didn't want to leave her but maybe i am just guessing here<P>Talk to you soon<P>love gabrielle

gabrielle,<P>Maybe he didn't want to leave her and his fantasy world but he did seem to realize that it was just that a fantasy world. Yes he went through withdrawal and that is part of it. But I would like tt think that he decided to take the cure. You seem to feel that he is sorry for what he did and wants to be with you. One of the hardes things to do is letting go. I am having that problem right now letting go of those horrible memories but I am trying by replacing them with better ones. Any way that is my hope as I haven't gotten that far yet. We are in the process of getting back together and it is what I want. He is the one that is worried about whether I can forgive him. BUt even though I do have those memories resurface I really think I have. I hope this helps a little<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Forgiveness is a process. This is what I am learning.<P>I need to first identify that what happened was wrong wrong wrong. and why it was wrong. And then I have a 'right' to be justifiably angry. But choosing not to act on that anger is part of the process.<P>I think we choose to love, and keep on choosing to love, to help yourself go through the process of forgiveness.<P>Don't beat yourself up because you are angry, but guard against resentment. Choose to love rather than react in anger. And, establish some sort of 'plan' to help insulate yourself to that vulnerability - and part of that plan includes what causes the infidelity and what can be done to safeguard your relationship from that happening again.<P>I hope I made sense, it is kinda late and I'm exhausted - so maybe if I have time I'll come back tomorrow and express myself better.<P>God Bless, don't expect too much of yourself at this point - like "forgiveness" - but rather allow yourself the time to work through the process. <P>TNT

Hi, Sweetie - glad you're here!!! You're gonna find a lot of help here.<P>TNT and the others are right. It takes time and committment. Like everything else in this mess (and life, to tell you the truth) it just starts with a decision. You need to make that decision anew, every single day and then gear your thoughts and actions in that direction. You will find that it becomes real for you. You really will.<P>I gotta run, now, but I'll be back. Others will be along soon - remember weekends ('specially holiday ones) are pretty slow.<P>Talk with you later.<P>Love and hugs.<P>Lori

Hi SDS<P>Thanks for your post.<P>Letting go of the bad memories is the hardest of all because they always resurface when you least expect them too.<P>When I start to think back along those lines I try to visualise a great big STOP sign and sometimes it brings me back to the present moment.<P>I think that's whats wrong with my H too regarding forgiveness, he thinks I will never be able to forgive him and maybe thats what's holding him back.<P>talk to you soon<P>Love Gabrielle<P><BR>Hi Trustntruth<P>Thanks for your post<P>I have come to the stage that I can control my anger Thank God, for a while I was like something possessed.<P>It's the resentment that gets me, I have a lot of work to do on that issue. I will have to get myself a good plan A and try to follow it through.<P>Have a good rest.<P>Talk to you soon.<P>Love gabrielle<P>Hi Ya Lori my friend<P>I really feel I will get some good help here. Every day I say to myself "Today you are going to be a loving, caring wife" It doesn't always work but at least the thought is there.<P>Talk to you soon.<P>Gabrielle<P>PS Has anyone anything to suggest on some things that would help to get a good plan A going?

One thing that helped me with a good plan A is to start a journal. I could get all my anger and doubts down on paper. It made me feel better without taking it out on my H. Also, exercising helps take out the stress and frustration. Hope this helps!

Thanks for that nomoreu<P>Maybe that would help, I havn't tried that one yet. I know I treat him with distain at times and i feel bad about doing it but I just cant help myself, but I know i'm gonna have to stop if I want the marriage to continue and get better.<P>Sometimes I ask myself do I even want to continue and the answer is no but then the next day I think completly different.<P>Its all so confusing, but I think its the resentment issue with me, aw well maybe now that I have found this site things will improve, also I am going for counselling in the next couple of weeks on my own so I'm hoping that will help me get my thoughts straight.<P>Talk again soon<BR>Love gabrielle

HI gabriellec,<P> I FULLY understand your feelings on this. I have had a LOT of anger towards my W for her affair. THEN, I found out how in SOOOO many ways it was as much MY fault as her's!!!<P> OUCH!! That hurt! And to this day (She's living with OM after I made her leave)<BR> I STILL find things I did to HER to hurt her and close her spirit to me!!!<BR> <BR> She was really WEAK and surcame to temptation, HOWEVER, it was MY job as her H to meet her needs and make her FEEL wanted needed sexy etc.. and I FAILED HER.<P> UNTIL you come to terms with WHAT YOU DID to create the environment necessary for your H to fall prey to an affair. You will: HATE OW, HATE your H (How could he do this to me!!!) and mostly, HATE YOURSELF AND FEEL useless!! Once you do, THEN you must FIRST forgive YOURSELF and that my dear, will (in the long run) be as hard as forgiving your H!! BELIEVE it or NOT!! <P>HERE'S A PART OF A LETTER I SENT MY W:<BR> <BR>" I love you and have learned how many times you were right in your judgement in the past (I was to pig headed to admit it before) if you think OM is OK then he probably is. I never really disliked him before. I guess given a choice between LIKE and DISLIKE I would have to say I liked him. I HATED him as our realtor though, although I my have been wrong about that too who knows?? <BR> Now of course given the circumstances I've REALLY hated OM because he's taken away the only thing in my life that's ever had meaning or REAL worth. MY Family. (OK, it took me a while to realize it cut me some slack huh?? )<BR> You know better than anyone, before we met I was in his shoes at one time (not that I'm proud of it or trying to bring up bad memories) But at the time I really thought I was "rescuing" her from an unhappy life with her abusive Husband. That is (in theory) an honorable thing to do I guess. I was a little misguided but my intentions were good. And maybe OM's were too. In any event I've always preached to you that hating someone only hurts the one who hates. I guess it's time to "Walk the Walk" and not just "Talk the Talk" 70 X 7 (from the Bible) right? I will pray for him. <BR> <BR> Believe me THAT was hard to admit. I know that I have grown through all this and whether or not my W comes home, I have grown as a person. THIS will NEVER be a part of my life again, for sure.<P> I have forgiven my W and believe that God allowed this in our Marriage to heal us and mostly to WAKE ME UP!! I have forgiven OM because "He knows not what he's done" NO ONE can relate but the "betrayed" NO ONE can believe how much it hurts but US!! I'm TRYING to forgive myself......<P> However, these are VERY HARD "Growing Pains" that handled in the right way can make you into a BETTER person, draw you closer to God and maybe, give you a Marriage that you NEVER thought possible!! <BR> GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Hi please help!<P>Thanks for your post.<P>I know it was my fault too. I neglected his emotional needs for yeeeeeeeears!. Sometimes i am sorry I didn't tell him to go and stay with her after he confessed even though it had been over for about six weeks or so he said, somehow I dont believe him. Now i am glad because he would probably have gone back to her had I thrown him out.<P>I know I failed my H but come on, he could have told me he was unhappy but he didn't he just decided to be commit adultry instead.<P>You can make all the excuses under the sun but at the end of the day they are cheating SOB's and we do not deserve it. Full stop.<P>Okay I am really angry but if we all went out and did this, there would be very few marriage's left. At the first sign of preasure they find someone else, so much for the vows. I think its the cruelest thing ever for one spouse to do to another.<P>I felt so stupid, how could this have happened and i didn't have a clue it was going on. I thought I knew my H but as it turned out he has got to be one of the most brilliant liars I have ever met.(or the misfortune to meet).<P>I dont consider myself to have been a bad wife,actually I am a very loving and caring person but I do admit that I did not meet his needs either emotional or physical, but that's another issue.<P>I see him as self centered, arrogant, maybe all the qualities I would like to have myself but to me he just seems so full of himself and there is no room there for anyone else.<P>Sorry for sounding off<P>Love and hugs<P>gabrielle<p>[This message has been edited by gabriellec (edited April 25, 2000).]

hi gabriellec,<BR> I understand your anger BELIEVE me. Something you said:<P>"know I failed my H but come on, he could have told me he was unhappy but he didn't he just decided to be commit adultry instead"<BR> NO UNDER NO CIRCOMESTANCES DOES ANYONE DESERVE THIS!! BUT, the temptation found furtile soil because of OUR lack of "hearing" our spouses crys in that languge we didn't understand, fair NO but that's part of it.<P><BR> I felt the same way for a LONG time. The thing is, he probably DID try to tell you. Unfortunatly, men do not understand their feelings as well as Women. BUT, you will find, if you search, SPECIFIC times your H tried to tell you, as you find these things you're pain will calm, BUT it will be replaced by guilt and then that knowlege will HELP you forgive.<P> You said, <BR>"I felt so stupid, how could this have happened and i didn't have a clue it was going on. <BR> You/we were not stupid, and THEY never saw it coming either!!! That's how Satan works, that's why the Bible talks of a SNAKE!! <P> "I thought I knew my H but as it turned out he has got to be one of the most brilliant liars I have ever met.(or the misfortune to meet)"<P> YOU DO KNOW YOUR H!! HE is NOT himself. Or at very least the WORST of himself right now. Most betrayers lie, and in the end they hate themselves for them. And they HATE what they did as much as we do!!<BR> But hate isn't the way to love, love is the way to love. <P>"dont consider myself to have been a bad wife,actually I am a very loving and caring person but I do admit that I did not meet his needs either emotional or physical, but that's another issue"<P> I don't consider myself a bad H either, however, I was a VERY misinformed and BLIND H!!" <BR> Hang here, it will get better and you will grow!! <P> GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK<P> <P>

Good! You're letting that anger out here. Way to go!! Keep on venting, Sweetie!!! You have every reason to be angry!!! Now, I gotta talk a little bit about your last post. (See, Frank, I do it to other people, too!! )<P>"I know it was my fault too. I neglected his emotional needs for yeeeeeeeears!." <P>Ah, Ha! First step taken care of!! Good girl!!! You know this happened. You acknowledge it. Now, you do know that this helped to create the atmosphere in which an affair was possible, right?? Didn't CAUSE the affair, that was his choice, his responsibility. But it rarely happens in a perfect relationship.<P>"Sometimes i am sorry I didn't tell him to go and stay with her after he confessed even though it had been over for about six weeks or so he said, somehow I dont believe him. Now i am glad because he would probably have gone back to her had I thrown him out."<P>Maybe - so thank your lucky stars that you didn't!! (Even though it doesn't always FEEL that way. ) Good move on your part. So, far, you're doing great!!! And, to tell you the truth, what does it matter if had been over that long or not - I mean, really, NOW, what does it matter?<P>"I know I failed my H but come on, he could have told me he was unhappy but he didn't he just decided to be commit adultry instead.<BR>You can make all the excuses under the sun but at the end of the day they are cheating SOB's and we do not deserve it. Full stop.<P>Okay I am really angry but if we all went out and did this, there would be very few marriage's left. At the first sign of preasure they find someone else, so much for the vows. I think its the cruelest thing ever for one spouse to do to another."<P>Anger's ok. You're absolutely right. It's not fair, you didn't deserve this, no matter WHAT you did or didn't do. But there are some holes here. First of all, it's most likely, like Frank pointed out that he DID let you know, in subtle little ways and, like the rest of us, you just didn't pick up on it! Sorry, Hon, but most likely it's true. It's also very possible that he just COULDN'T articulate it. He just didn't KNOW that he was feeling - whatever it was he was feeling. It snuck up on HIM, too. Now I'll share with you some of biggest things I've learned here:<P>1. "But for the grace of God, go I." In other words, Honey, as hard as it was for me to finally admit it, I've got to agree with Harley that, with unmet needs, at the right moment, under just the right circumstances, with the right (or wrong!) person, NONE of us is immune to an affair. My self-righteous little self would NEVER be "that kind of person". My apologies to all who say "But I was ignored, neglected, etc AND tempted and I didn't succumb.". I used to be one of you - heck I AM one of you, but my thinking has changed as I understand this mess more. I now feel it's just that "the right moment" never REALLY happened to me (in my FIRST marriage - it was abusive). And the more immune, moral, noble, whatever we think we are (and I include myself AND Robert here), the more blindsided we can be when it happens to us! Robert was always one of those men that COULD NOT TOLERATE OR UNDERSTAND this behavior in ANY married person. Thought of them as scum!!! He didn't set out looking for this, he doesn't even remember when or how it changed from "the little piece of trash that just started work" to "she makes me feel WONDERFUL about myself". His statement at the beginning of this mess "I've become every man I ever hated" as he thought seriously about ending his life.<P>2. It's not likely it was at the first sign of pressure. I know, like for us, it was pressure and stress that was the catalyst to this, but I believe that it was millions of little things that layed the foundation. Sorta the straw that broke the camel's back sorta thing. A mountain can stand strong against a tidal wave, but a tiny drip, over the years, can wear it away. Marriages are not a lot different.<P>3. Breaking that vow - now that's a biggie. What a horrible thing to do to someone, huh? To inflict such pain, to disregard a sacred promise. How dare he? Well, lemme tell you. I went back and looked at our vows. Read and re-read them. Analyzed and tore them apart. Know what I discovered? What made me feel AWFUL??? We both made a number of big promises that day - the vow of fidelity was just one of them. And it was given no more importance in that service than the others. In fact, I found that some of the others were talked about quite a bit more (shall we mention "Love, Honor, Cherish"?). Boing!! Then it occurred to me - I didn't keep them all. I kept THAT one, but I didn't keep my end of the deal on some of the others. So why would I be less culpable than him? I mean, who am I to decide that just b/c the one that HE broke hurt me so badly that it's so much worse than the ones that I broke? Could it be possible that my neglect of his needs, my self-centeredness (although I always THOUGHT I was doing the right thing) inadvertantly hurt him to the point and destroyed his self-image enough that he found himself unable to resist doing something entire contrary to his nature? Maybe that's a bit of over-kill, but it does ring of truth. So, if I expect HIM to forgive ME for all those years of breaking other vows (and not just ONCE, mind you, over and over again) and hurting him, who am I not to extend the same forgiveness??<P>"I felt so stupid, how could this have happened and i didn't have a clue it was going on. I thought I knew my H but as it turned out he has got to be one of the most brilliant liars I have ever met.(or the misfortune to meet)."<P>Lying comes with the fantasy, Sweetie. Men and women who have always valued the truth above all else will find themselves becoming expert liars during this mess. It's transient, I believe. Just a symption of the condition. This, too, will pass.<P>"I dont consider myself to have been a bad wife,actually I am a very loving and caring person but I do admit that I did not meet his needs either emotional or physical, but that's another issue."<P>It's not another issue at all. Not in the least. Took me a while to understand that, too. A relationship by it's very nature is the tying together of things between two people. EVERYTHING we say or do affects everything we say or do - get what I mean? Needs are the thirst and hunger of a relationship. They MUST be met, just as we as human beings must eat and drink, in order to survive. They're different for all of us, the priorities of others don't always make sense to use, but, don't kid yourself, whether you understand them or not, they are important and sustaining to the other person and they WILL be met - somehow, by someone or something. So, yeah, Honey, it really is a BIG part of the issue. All the love and the care in the world won't make a bit of difference if we don't meet those needs. Listen to this statement "He SAYS he loves me, but he knows I need him to SHOW me and he doesn't, so he can't REALLY love me." I can't even COUNT the number of times I've heard that statement, or some form of it, coming from one of us women!!!! Read Harley's article on "Why women leave men." Same thing. So why is it any different for HIM. He can't SEE or feel our true love for him unless we SHOW him in the way it matters most to HIM. And if we don't show our spouses in that way, then, for all intensive purposes, our love doesn't really exist for them, now does it?<P>"I see him as self centered, arrogant, maybe all the qualities I would like to have myself but to me he just seems so full of himself and there is no room there for anyone else."<P>Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. Maybe it's a protective mechanism. Think of the concerns our waywards have: They'll PAY forever for the transgression, things will go back to being just as bad as before, they'll never be able to forgive themselves or rid themselves of the guilt, they'll never regain our trust, they'll fail again. And on and on. Take a look at your situation. He's still living those concerns, isn't he? And so are you, Honey. People protect themselves in different ways. His arrogance COULD just be a form of withdrawal, a wall he's building to ease the hurt and suffering that HE'S gone through. And he has suffered, Sweetie. And hard as it is to see through our own pain, our spouses have suffered so much as well.<P>Ok, how's THAT for standing on my soapbox!! Now you've heard just a little bit of the things I've learned over this last year. You are perfectly right for feeling ALL the things that you are feeling, Gabrielle. Every single one of them. And none of those feelings are foreign to me. Not one. We've all felt them. But this recovery process requires an understanding of things beyond ourselves sometimes. And one of the things I've learned is that once I began to understand and really own my share of the responsibility, so much anger and resentment just fell away. I felt stronger and better and more in control.<P>Please keep venting here. Crying if you need to. I promise that I won't make every post a lecture!!! (But they may still be pretty wordy! )<P>If you already haven't had enough of me (and I wouldn't blame you if you have!! ) read this thread. It pretty much describes the way I felt when I finally "got it".<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011747.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011747.html</A> <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Gabrielle}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>tons of hugs for you today.<P>Luv ya,<P>Lori<P><p>[This message has been edited by lostva (edited April 26, 2000).]

Hi ya Frank<P>I have read your profile and I really feel your wife will come back to you, dont ask me how I just have a feeling, she will come to her senses sometime soon. I believe it!!!!!!<P>You are right about (me coming to terms with what I did to create necessary environment for my H to fall prey to this affair)and I know I am blocking this out or trying to bucause I want him to be the blame for it all.<P>I try to think back and find some clue he was giving me, and all I can come up with is he was very hostile towards me which is not like him at all. He didn't seem to care about my feelings at all. I can remember one time in particular, I was feeling really depressed and the affair was going on at the time but I didn't know of course, and I had been suffering from panic attacks and just in general feeling very weepy. I went to see the local GP and my husband said to me "You know if you go in there and tell him this it will go down on your medical record a suffering from depression". This is how far apart we got, he just didn't care about my well being, or the suffering I was going through even though at the time I didn't know why I was feeling like this, but in hindsight it was obviously my sub-conscious telling me that there was something wwong.<P>I didn't give a sxxx what went down on my records as long as I felt better, but my H at this point obviously no longer cared.<P>Another time i can remeember, we were going to Dublin for the day and on the journey I was playing a Boyszone tape that i had just bought and my H said that one particular track he really loved, it was called "I love the way you love me". When I listned to the liriks I said to myself "he is obviously not thinking of me here cos I dont meet any of the criteria. It made me suspicious straight away but it also made me feel, well maybe this is the way he would like to think of me.<P>I still dont know if I can ever feel guilt or not because im my eyes at the moment, he is 80 per cent to blame, but hey Frank maybe in time I will come around.<P>Love and Hugs and Prayers to you in your situation and I really hope your wife sees what she is missing.<P>Gabrielle

Hi Lori my friend <P>Thanks for your post.<P>before I begin, can you tell me where I can find how you and Robert finally got back together? I would really like to read this.<P>Last night I was really on a roll wasn't I. I am in good form tonight. i know I helped a lot to create the atmosphere but I still feel angry agh!!!!!!!!!!!! . <P>This might sound stupid but what matters to me is, did he finish the affair just cos I found out or was it really finished six weeks previously as he said, the difference being (would it have continued had I not kmown about it)was it just cos he was found out.<P>As regards me not ever having affair, I said the same thing to him and counselor, it was just not the sort of think i would do, I was not that sort of person. But after reading your post, in hindsight I am saying to myself, "well maybe had you been a lot slimmer and had felt more attractive about yourself and maybe if the right person had come along and said all the right things to me then maybe I could have done the same".<P>Like you Lori, i didn't keep my vows either, well not all of them and who am I to condemn him when I have been just as bad myself.<P>For a long time, over a year to be exact, I felt this anger boiling inside of me (sorry Frank, you got the backlash last night) and you know what! I have felt it subside in the last week or more to the point that I feel a lot calmer inside,(dont rule it out in the future lori, but so far so good.<P>I have found I have started to soften towards him, nothing big, but its a start, and as you said Lori, the big issues have to be taken care of first before the fun stuff can start.<P>When you said "how can he love me if I dont meet his needs and visa versa", its just not possible is it? We need to be told constantly and have those words put into actions all the time for it to work.<P>lori, dont stop posting, I really enjoy reading your posts, you have so much wisdom.<P>When I get a post and I see your name, I give a great big smile to myself cos I know its gonna be good.<P>By the way, just before my H went to bed tonight,he said to me "you are really looking lovely lately, you have lost so much weight and I was admiring you all night". What about that! and I didn't say a thing.<P>Love ya too<P>Gabrielle

Yayyy!!! Thank goodness for little compliments!!! THAT, my dear, means he's paying attention!! And that's a very good thing.<P>Hold on, I'll be right back.<P>OK, here's one for starters. My favorite post!!!! <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000350.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000350.html</A> <P>Luv and prayers,<P>Lori<P><p>[This message has been edited by lostva (edited April 26, 2000).]

HI Gabrielle,<BR> First let me thank you for your encouraging words!! They really touched me and give me hope. Thank you SOOO much!!<P> You said:<BR>"I try to think back and find some clue he was giving me, and all I can come up with is he was very hostile towards me which is not like him at all" <BR> Yes, now you're getting it, DIG DIG DIG!!<P> You're seeing a time HE felt GUILT and lashed out. <P> And the fact that he didn't seem to care about your health is CLASSIC guilt!! He didn't want to face the fact that HE may have caused this!!! SO, it's not real or needs to be "down played"<BR> OH GOD!! I know how you felt about the song!! My W started listening to music on a STRANGE radio station ( I found out it was OM's favorite of course!! ) She was singing a song one day (four months ago) and I had PINCH myself to control my anger. The words were something like "Looks like we made it, people said we wouldn't but we're still going strong "!! AHHHHH!!! Didn't fit US that's for sure!! And the little signs we ALL OVER the place before I found out too!! <P> On a good note for me we went to lunch the other day and she didn't listen to ANYTHING but OUR music!! Hey, if the little signs proved the EA why not prove it's CRASHING! <BR> <P> You said:<BR> "I still don't know if I can ever feel guilt or not because im my eyes at the moment, he is 80 per cent to blame" <P> NO you shouldn't feel guilt, you didn't know. We don't need TWO people on a guilt trip.<P> AND HE'S 100% TO BLAME FOR HAVING THE AFFAIR! Don't get me wrong here, you didn't deserve it NO MATTER WHAT needs you missed.<BR> <BR> We need to help you find specific things that you missed in relation to filling needs or showing love in a way your H UNDERSTOOD it!!<BR> AND these things JUST made the ground furtile enough for the EA. SOO if you can fill those needs (Probably real easy to do you just need to know WHAT they are!!)<BR> Example:<BR> My way of "feeling loved" is TOTALLY different from how my W feels loved.<BR> I NEED affection, my Wife feels it by my giving her my TOTAL attention while listening to her and fixing little things around the house. ONLY GOD knows why, but I could send her 5 dozen roses and they make LESS of an impact as when I replaced a lightbulb or vacuumed for 5 minutes!!<P> Go figure!!<BR> <BR> BUT, that's what makes her "FEEL LOVE" so how hard is that?<BR> <BR> I on the other hand didn't feel loved because although she LISTENED to me with ALL her attention, would cook a big meal, vacuum the WHOLE house and when I was busy, fix all the little things around the house, things that would take her ALL day!! She would have deposited MANY more love units by simply coming up behind me, hugging me and telling me "I love you baby" That's it!! That FILLS my love bank!!<P> So it's really quite simple, we GIVE love the way we WANT love. With that in mind, I bet you could score MEGA love units by telling your H how good he looks based on HIS VERY nice complement to YOU. THIS may be one of the ways HE UNDERSTANDS love!!<BR> <BR> That's how a lot of men understand it, that and affection. That's why we end up putting TOO much weight on SEX because it makes us feel "Handsome and fills our need for contact" At least for me anyway. <P> Save all the slave labor for someone else, to ME give me a HUG and I'm LOVED!!!<P> GET IT? Mirror HIS love language, teach him yours and BANG LOVE GROWS!!<P> I bet my buddy the OM made my W's knees weak just by checking the air in her tires!!<BR> Meanwhile, I'm telling her I love her, hugging her ... things SOME women want be SHE (my W) felt UNLOVED!!<P> You're doing GREAT!! For such a short time here! You guys will be OK I feel it for you too (not because you said it BTW) <BR> I REALLY like the complement you got!! GREAT one huh!!<BR> <BR> GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK<BR> <P> <P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Ok, went back and re-read. One really quick thought here.<P>Why does it matter? I'm serious as a heart-attack. Why does it matter what the reason was that he broke off the affair. Or exactly when. Might have mattered then - ok, I'll give you that. But now? He's home with you. He's trying. He's chosen to stay. Honey, it doesn't matter. Robert came home because he heard a song and all of a sudden felt he "should". He made a committment and felt he should do his best to stick to it. Not too romantic, huh? ('Course I know that inside he loved me.....he always has. It just got buried under the rubbish.) But we're happy. I'm happy. He's happy. We're loving and living and enjoying every minute. So what if he came home for less than perfect reasons. He did it. And gave what we could build together a chance. And I'll be damned if I'll let that pass.<P>he told me the other day "You'll never know how thankful I am that you're as strong a woman as you are...I can't stop thinking about how much we would have missed if you hadn't been. We are truly blessed." <P>When you begin to dwell on the other things, replace those thoughts with things he's doing now....and TELL him. Tell him how much you appreciate the little things. Encourage and reinforce the great behavior - like the compliment! What a cool thing to say!!!!! I promise you, his reaction to your positive reinforcement will fuel your love more than you can ever imagine.<P>OK, so much for a "quick thought", huh? <P>Talk to you later.<P>Love and hugs,<P>Lori

gabrielle YOU OK?