Just a thought. If it is discrete enough to get her thinking about what is happening, maybe.. maybe not. I don't know. Can I make a decison by myself anymore?..... NO<P>Maybe I just feel the need to do something instead of playing this silly waiting game.

As a general rule...<BR>...contacting the OP's spouse is considered a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>...<P>It has come back in virtually every situation it has been attempted to be a regretful action!<P>Your quote... "Maybe I just feel the need to do something instead of playing this silly waiting game."... indicates your having a hard time buying into some of the MB concepts... that's OK.<P>But... like attempting to contact the OP's spouse... the quicker you can accept the benefits... the better your Plan A/Plan B/or any other Plan will be.<P>Do check out ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000086.html" TARGET=_blank>Is Plan A just a big act?</A>.<P> <P>Jim

I take it your W is engaged in an EA or a PA. I am the betrayer in an EA and my H called the OM's wife. It had the exact result he wanted. The OM's wife freaked out, and by the next morning the EA was a thing of the past. I never heard from the OM again and I am still struggling with withdrawl. Did it save our marriage? No, I still filed for divorce.<P>

Hi Jim and lonelysoul<BR>I am following Plan A as much as I can but it is difficult when I have little contact with my wife. I guess I just getting a little frustrated because I've been plan Aing my heart out for 6 months and she just gets colder and more distant.<P>I have learned that the only time she talks to me now is when she is covering something up or lying about her plans. Even still, I'm positive, happy (mostly) and full of compliments.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Goober (edited May 09, 2000).]

Goober...<P>You've got to keep it up...<BR>...until you just can't!<P>Then when you've lost enough of your love for you W... go to Plan B.<BR>(again check out <B>K</B>'s replies... they are right on the mark! ===> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000086.html" TARGET=_blank>Is Plan A just a big act?</A>)<P>Also check out my old posts... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>.<P>I'm with you on this long distance(low contact) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> <B><I>thing</I></B>...<BR>My W's been gone for 8+ months...<BR>living with OM...<BR>having every other weekend visitations with her kids (they live with me)...<P>It is hard...<BR>...and like you... I get heaps of abuse from her almost everytime we talk (not to mention from OM.)<P>I'm staying the course for my 2 years...<BR>...or until she remarries the OM (which is very possible) shortly after the divorce.<P>Hang tough though... <P>Jim

Hey Goober, <BR>It's really not the best idea to contact them. It won't solve anything and will only cause more pain. <BR>You have been given some great advice here. And we have been there. I understand how hard it is, try to stay strong. <P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them!<BR>Viki

Thanks for all your reponses. Its great to know that if I think of straying off the path that I have all of you to redirect me.<P>Sometimes I feel like I am making to easy for her to continue the affair. The only thing I was trying to get out of it was to bring it out in the open rather than having to listen to her lies all the time.<P>I will continue with the MB concepts.

Been there done that. Could help, Could hurt. It will definitely be a major love buster for your wife initially. As for long term effect…..flip a coin.<P>As lots of folks here, I knew the OM and his Wife so on d-day my Wife asked me to call here and let her know. She claimed this would make it easer for her to break it off if OM had just as much at stake as she did. I asked if this was merely a easy way to get him kicked out of the house to complete or full fill her idea total freedom in her fantasy. After her third request I made the call (on speakerphone with my wife in room). The OM's wife was glad to know the truth and not upset with me at all. Low and behold this is also how she found out about the OM's last affair as well. No major love busters yet. This was a hard reality slap.<P>The next time I called her was about two weeks later too validate and compare some of the disclosures (truths?) my wife had given me. Also at the time my wife and OM were traveling together and she didn't know. In the beginning both OM's wife I though it was best to use discretion about our conversation along with anything we might learn from one another and just use it a measurement of reality and not for confrontation. This conversation proved very quickly that both betrayers were still not telling the whole truth (surprise!). OM's wife immediately called her husband and ripped him a new one with the information I had disclosed. Some of that information my wife did now know that I had knowledge of since I had not fully disclosed the depth of my snooping. So this time calling the OM's wife was a major love buster. Later that evening my wife called me to ask me what I was doing calling her and was very upset. Since I was in hard core Plan A, I explained that I just trying to find out were reality really lied. Told me that the OM's wife was very upset with me and asked that I never contact here again. I apologise4d and agreed to her stipulation, although my conversation with the OM's wife did not end on that type of a note.<P>Four weeks ago, I received an email from OM's wife (never happened before) asking me how I was doing and to give her a call. Thought long and hard about it and waited 4 days to decide, but it was a very strangely worded email and I decided to call. She told me how they had reconciled all was doing well now that the affair was over. I told her I was very happy for her but I didn't believe that to be the case. She asked me to explain why I felt this way and I told her that I really couldn’t divulge and details do to the fact that I really didn't not want her to confront her husband with any information that would ultimately lead back to me. After a dozen reassurances that this would be kept in the strictest of confidence. I told her about the cell phone records dozens of 10 PM to 3 am calls) and the hotel and bar receipts (I know what he drinks and eats due to past travel with him) and she had started taking birth control again even though I have had a vasectomy. She was shocked and couldn’t believe it because OM had been so convincing. I reminded her that both betrayers are traveling sales people and we all remember how to tell if they are lying. That's right their lips are moving. They even lie to each other. Needless to say the OM's wife went off on him and my wife once again called me wanting to know what I had been doing and get this "I though you promised not to do that anymore". Ha! Ha! Ha! I apologized again explaining that she had contacted me. Once again a major love buster.<P>So the moral to my story is probably, Don’t expect any long-term discretion about your discussion and if you choose to go forward, then do it openly. <P>Oh yea, Goob say Hi to Andy and Floyd for me and tell Barney I've got my eye on Thelma-Lou LOL!<P>Take care<P><BR>

I went after the 2 OM with a vengence. The outcome of my efforts was that one OM was stripped of his ministry, lost his 'mission', and the last I heard had moved halfway across the country. With the other OM I gave his wife the 'pieces' I had and I told her about my suspicions and asked her to see if her husband 'fit' Well she put the 'evidence' together on her own and decided it was her husband. He denied it over and over to her and when he finally admitted it, she was so devasted they got a divorce. So the one guy lost his career and church and the other lost his wife and kids. Nobody wins in the infidelity game........nobody.

Howdy Goober! (Gaaaawwwleeeey!)<P>Here are a few different ideas.<P>1. I feel strongly that the OM's W deserves to know what she is up against. But if you tell her don't embellish, don't exagerate, don't blame. Just stick to the facts. And be prepared to prove them.<P>2. Will your W resent it? Duh! Of course she will. Does that make it a LB? Maybe. But the alternative is to sit on your hands and Plan A while the affair is still operating with artificial freedom. You can't make your W stop having the affair, but you don't have to enable it by your passivity either.<P>3. I had to consider similar arguments when I was deciding whether to confront (via email) my W's OM. I avoided it at first, but then I decided I would be a fool if I never stood up and said "Stop! Leave my wife alone!" Would I want it said later that I never voiced an opinion? No! <P>Take these comments with a grain of salt. Your situation is your own, so apply these ideas only if they fit. <P>Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Goober:<BR><B>Just a thought. If it is discrete enough to get her thinking about what is happening, maybe.. maybe not. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I found out about my H's affair when the OW called to tell me she had a NEWBORN! She wasn't hysterical. I wasn't hysterical. I was numb and just treated it like information... then confronted the lying H.<P>Everybody is different, but for me it was a God send. I really didn't have a clue. Not a clue. I was relieved to know what was going on and finally felt like I could do something about it. <P>Did it suck hearing about it from her? You bet, but it was better than not knowing.<P>Can't say if it would be a good thing in your situation. Could go either way.<BR>

All I can say is I wish someone would have told me instead of everyone treating me wierd when I went into h's workplace (they ALL knew - he was the boss). Sometimes I think it's more embarrassing that everyone knew for over a year (even my MIL!) than that he actually had the ema. Well, just sometimes... Kallie